RogerSigval
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2017
- Messages
- 45
This outrageously comment is from last night, three separate times, with the addition of one from this morning, which can be differentiated by bold print; I will differentiate the timing of the other three by using numbers. By the end, I was too befuddled and stressed even to finish a post I had started in the first place, but now it's morning:
1)I hope Mental Health is the place for this admittedly very lengthy post; it's likely my own fault if not.
I'm notoriously honest for the most part (aside from what I call an "honest lie," a lie with a TANGIBLE end game that you're willing to say "got me" to if you're caught because the end game is all that matters, not the "front."
As my college semester comes to a close in one month, my mother - who has always been chronically involved in all my affairs off and on - has started taking an interest in my progress again. Except it's not just an interest; it's like she's taking my responsibility on for me by constantly reminding me of tasks and deadlines or asking me questions about how far I've gotten on project x or y. I recognize it as much. She'll constantly ask me where I'm at in my studies. But since she only knows what I tell her, I get to thinking I can quell the problem by an outright lie (this is the tangible end game lie I talk about to which I always say "got me" if caught); it is a "tangible" end game because she's providing me with beer and vodka. I will elaborate on this in upcoming paragraphs. She did this with school as a child and I ended up barely passing high school because she WASN'T providing alcohol but was still "checking in" all the time, which produces angry, rage-filled rebellion. Up until recently, when I had a sort of breakdown with past and returned delusions and hallucinations from years ago, she had stopped and, given as I live with her, this had played a large role in my academic success thus far. I'm a man of spirals; there's up and there's down. Good things = good things = more good things and vice versa; it's very "black and white." I think Skinner named it Positive Reinforcement and Negative Reinforcement.
She's supported me and also seen me lose more jobs than I've kept track of, all of which started out positive, so I'm attempting to be understanding in that regard. But honestly, I've recently been more respectful in the past few years mostly because she's been feeding me beer, vodka and drug money (which are also good things, at least in the immediate future). I get a Student Aid check every semester that pays for tuition and also provides some $2,000-$3,000 in "living cost" lending, depending relatively on the the Federal Student Healthcare fee which is only charged once every other semester. Because my GPA has, at least as of now, been a perfect 4.0, I also get a grant. Unfortunately, I ran out of money with both of these early the first semester and started making "deals." Buy me this drug or that drink now, I say to her, and you can have the whole check when it comes in! ...like Wimpy: "I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today." I always hold true to my end of the bargain, but then I have no money... which leads to more deals. Perhaps you see the spiral here. My debt to her (and the government) is nearly insurmountable at this point, so I've just given in to being the bitch as long as she provides my little slurpy and drug money. So this is the other side of the "what are you working on" question, the easily played game of winning me over with alcohol.
I've been told in confidence and privacy by psychologists that this is a so-called "toxic" relationship, which I naturally told my mother because I'm notoriously honest. Yet I'm wickedly addicted and emotionally and financially unstable and so need her (this is one of many, many reasons money is evil). Also, I feel like she does all this, both the "good" and the "bad," whatever you want to make of that, because she cares, which of course makes me feel more stressed than I already am because I have to worry about letting HER down as well as my professors at school.
This seems to be how it goes: if you provide something bad to me, you spark anger and rebellion; if you provide something good, you spark fear instead of anger because I want to please you. I am wasting so many hours worrying about making sure she thinks I'm not wasting hours, yet I would waste an equal amount of time and energy on anger... it's the Positive v. Negative that seems to matter. Is that so terribly hard to comprehend???? Bare in mind I'm a grown (physically) man!!! I'm kind of starting to wonder if this is part of what sparked the recent "breakdown" of sorts that was part of the reason I started posting here.
Now, tomorrow, I'll wake up and, before drinking and drugging, will beat myself over the head for typing this in a near-hysterical state following a confrontation and subsequent gift of alcohol. I'll think I'm posting too much or that I'm breaking too many rules or that I've posted in the wrong place. This may distract me and make me stare at the wall for a while as I run things through my head and let the chemicals do their thing. I bring this up not for pity but for an example of my personal psychology and the "spirals." The biggest problem is that it's not just my mom; to a lesser extent, drug dealers, girlfriends and potentially hetero-friends can all have this affect as long as they give me good things, be it drugs, praise, esteem or liquor. But everyone has their "fee," be it money or verbal abuse!
It's a shame... I chose this academic route myself because I love it, but all it takes is threats or stress (or alternatively believable and valuable bribes or possibilities) to make me stop or start something. I'm posting here for the third time in one day on a day in which I'd planned not to go online at all! It's a mix of getting over fear and potentially starting angry rebellion to clear things up (I think the latter may be caused by the former).
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING????
2) I was just starting to feel better, gave up on this post without posting, and went back to work, then she comes down with a beer (which I wanted) but also a scolding: "blah, blah, yap, yap, feel ashamed of yourself." I understand that I want it "both ways," that I want the beer and not the "payment" in verbal lashing, but I can't control myself! Now it's been even more hours that I'm not doing anything! THIS HAS TO STOP!!!!!
3) Fucking Christ! It's happened yet again, right in the middle of my last postscript, this time for talking to my cousin (on her side at that) on a holiday I don't celebrate but SHE does. This is "p.p.s" I suppose. I'm sorry for the desperation in my tone, but I can't do this much longer. Punching through windows, carrying knives and acts of violence towards the same person that supports me... I DON'T WANT to do it and never recognize it until afterwards. She may be on Xanax, which would be fine, but I can't tell for sure because she won't admit it like I do when I'm on something. This is what makes me BUGGY!!! I just don't get it... Obviously I'd understand if she told me that she was son Xanax, but she WON'T despite the Xanax I occasionally steal from her (which, of course, we never talk about) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm looking at this the day after and realizing it's, aside from being so ridiculously long, very telling to anyone with the patience to read it. What's even more telling is my father's new behavior. I eventually gave up on the alcohol last night (not in an abstinence sense but a priority sense) and flipped out in RAGE at her. She cried and went to bed for about 19 hours or something... Hell, she's still sleeping now! Then I had a predicament: who will get the beer and vodka??? Withdrawal is a bitch and I can't handle it!!
This is the most interesting part of the whole shitty mess - I begged my usually non-interactive father into becoming my "man" instead of her, which he did largely because (I think) he's also her bitch and knew she would lay into him if he didn't do it sooner or later after she awoke. At any rate, he gave me a warm and wonderful morning greeting by gently shaking me on the shoulder and putting a pint of beer and a pint of vodka on the table next to my bed, but then he did something he NEVER does: he said, "You know you have to do "project x," right?
WHATTTTT????
This a perfect example of what I'm talking about; time and project x are a perfect and exemplary juxtaposition. I asked the time because I didn't know what time it was, and he told me. Thank you, I said, as he was providing information I needed and I believed it was courteous to be grateful. Then he told me about "project x" (a project I gave up on yesterday because of the negativity), which I already knew I had to do, providing me with no new information at all. What am I to make of this??? Is she telling him to do it???? Is it simply that people can't give me good things without including Negative Reinforcement???
Anyone sweet enough to have read all this beast, I NEED HELP!!!
1)I hope Mental Health is the place for this admittedly very lengthy post; it's likely my own fault if not.
I'm notoriously honest for the most part (aside from what I call an "honest lie," a lie with a TANGIBLE end game that you're willing to say "got me" to if you're caught because the end game is all that matters, not the "front."
As my college semester comes to a close in one month, my mother - who has always been chronically involved in all my affairs off and on - has started taking an interest in my progress again. Except it's not just an interest; it's like she's taking my responsibility on for me by constantly reminding me of tasks and deadlines or asking me questions about how far I've gotten on project x or y. I recognize it as much. She'll constantly ask me where I'm at in my studies. But since she only knows what I tell her, I get to thinking I can quell the problem by an outright lie (this is the tangible end game lie I talk about to which I always say "got me" if caught); it is a "tangible" end game because she's providing me with beer and vodka. I will elaborate on this in upcoming paragraphs. She did this with school as a child and I ended up barely passing high school because she WASN'T providing alcohol but was still "checking in" all the time, which produces angry, rage-filled rebellion. Up until recently, when I had a sort of breakdown with past and returned delusions and hallucinations from years ago, she had stopped and, given as I live with her, this had played a large role in my academic success thus far. I'm a man of spirals; there's up and there's down. Good things = good things = more good things and vice versa; it's very "black and white." I think Skinner named it Positive Reinforcement and Negative Reinforcement.
She's supported me and also seen me lose more jobs than I've kept track of, all of which started out positive, so I'm attempting to be understanding in that regard. But honestly, I've recently been more respectful in the past few years mostly because she's been feeding me beer, vodka and drug money (which are also good things, at least in the immediate future). I get a Student Aid check every semester that pays for tuition and also provides some $2,000-$3,000 in "living cost" lending, depending relatively on the the Federal Student Healthcare fee which is only charged once every other semester. Because my GPA has, at least as of now, been a perfect 4.0, I also get a grant. Unfortunately, I ran out of money with both of these early the first semester and started making "deals." Buy me this drug or that drink now, I say to her, and you can have the whole check when it comes in! ...like Wimpy: "I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today." I always hold true to my end of the bargain, but then I have no money... which leads to more deals. Perhaps you see the spiral here. My debt to her (and the government) is nearly insurmountable at this point, so I've just given in to being the bitch as long as she provides my little slurpy and drug money. So this is the other side of the "what are you working on" question, the easily played game of winning me over with alcohol.
I've been told in confidence and privacy by psychologists that this is a so-called "toxic" relationship, which I naturally told my mother because I'm notoriously honest. Yet I'm wickedly addicted and emotionally and financially unstable and so need her (this is one of many, many reasons money is evil). Also, I feel like she does all this, both the "good" and the "bad," whatever you want to make of that, because she cares, which of course makes me feel more stressed than I already am because I have to worry about letting HER down as well as my professors at school.
This seems to be how it goes: if you provide something bad to me, you spark anger and rebellion; if you provide something good, you spark fear instead of anger because I want to please you. I am wasting so many hours worrying about making sure she thinks I'm not wasting hours, yet I would waste an equal amount of time and energy on anger... it's the Positive v. Negative that seems to matter. Is that so terribly hard to comprehend???? Bare in mind I'm a grown (physically) man!!! I'm kind of starting to wonder if this is part of what sparked the recent "breakdown" of sorts that was part of the reason I started posting here.
Now, tomorrow, I'll wake up and, before drinking and drugging, will beat myself over the head for typing this in a near-hysterical state following a confrontation and subsequent gift of alcohol. I'll think I'm posting too much or that I'm breaking too many rules or that I've posted in the wrong place. This may distract me and make me stare at the wall for a while as I run things through my head and let the chemicals do their thing. I bring this up not for pity but for an example of my personal psychology and the "spirals." The biggest problem is that it's not just my mom; to a lesser extent, drug dealers, girlfriends and potentially hetero-friends can all have this affect as long as they give me good things, be it drugs, praise, esteem or liquor. But everyone has their "fee," be it money or verbal abuse!
It's a shame... I chose this academic route myself because I love it, but all it takes is threats or stress (or alternatively believable and valuable bribes or possibilities) to make me stop or start something. I'm posting here for the third time in one day on a day in which I'd planned not to go online at all! It's a mix of getting over fear and potentially starting angry rebellion to clear things up (I think the latter may be caused by the former).
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING????
2) I was just starting to feel better, gave up on this post without posting, and went back to work, then she comes down with a beer (which I wanted) but also a scolding: "blah, blah, yap, yap, feel ashamed of yourself." I understand that I want it "both ways," that I want the beer and not the "payment" in verbal lashing, but I can't control myself! Now it's been even more hours that I'm not doing anything! THIS HAS TO STOP!!!!!
3) Fucking Christ! It's happened yet again, right in the middle of my last postscript, this time for talking to my cousin (on her side at that) on a holiday I don't celebrate but SHE does. This is "p.p.s" I suppose. I'm sorry for the desperation in my tone, but I can't do this much longer. Punching through windows, carrying knives and acts of violence towards the same person that supports me... I DON'T WANT to do it and never recognize it until afterwards. She may be on Xanax, which would be fine, but I can't tell for sure because she won't admit it like I do when I'm on something. This is what makes me BUGGY!!! I just don't get it... Obviously I'd understand if she told me that she was son Xanax, but she WON'T despite the Xanax I occasionally steal from her (which, of course, we never talk about) AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I'm looking at this the day after and realizing it's, aside from being so ridiculously long, very telling to anyone with the patience to read it. What's even more telling is my father's new behavior. I eventually gave up on the alcohol last night (not in an abstinence sense but a priority sense) and flipped out in RAGE at her. She cried and went to bed for about 19 hours or something... Hell, she's still sleeping now! Then I had a predicament: who will get the beer and vodka??? Withdrawal is a bitch and I can't handle it!!
This is the most interesting part of the whole shitty mess - I begged my usually non-interactive father into becoming my "man" instead of her, which he did largely because (I think) he's also her bitch and knew she would lay into him if he didn't do it sooner or later after she awoke. At any rate, he gave me a warm and wonderful morning greeting by gently shaking me on the shoulder and putting a pint of beer and a pint of vodka on the table next to my bed, but then he did something he NEVER does: he said, "You know you have to do "project x," right?
WHATTTTT????
This a perfect example of what I'm talking about; time and project x are a perfect and exemplary juxtaposition. I asked the time because I didn't know what time it was, and he told me. Thank you, I said, as he was providing information I needed and I believed it was courteous to be grateful. Then he told me about "project x" (a project I gave up on yesterday because of the negativity), which I already knew I had to do, providing me with no new information at all. What am I to make of this??? Is she telling him to do it???? Is it simply that people can't give me good things without including Negative Reinforcement???
Anyone sweet enough to have read all this beast, I NEED HELP!!!
