I don't believe in monogamy.

[thesavoyard]

I used to come here a lot. I may have even posted nudes in the nudy thread back in the day. My old handle was felix77, then when my SO hacked my account I switched to ski_bum for a while. Now I can't access either one.

I'm posting here because I been married for 11 years. We've experimented a little, most just her chickening out. I've always been the one to do the compromise in the end because how I feel is not the "normal" way. Honestly, there is nothing I love more in this world than taking some molly and having sensual sex. I prefer it not being always a duo. She has berated and corraled me now into a monogamous relationship that I am not comfortable with and I'm afraid that no matter how I love her, this might be the end. She has gotten to the point where she won't let me out of her sight. To be honest, she probably has good reason because I will cheat now. I'm fed up with it.

I still love her and I want to give her three options.

Stay with me and drop some of your controlling and prude nature, be truly brave and actively participate.

Or

Respect my needs and give me liberty, look the other way and I will try not to hurt her.

Or

Realize that I don't even believe in monogamy and will no longer be monogamous. We can leave it at that if she can't cope but I will not keep paying for a marriage I made in my 20s and beliefs I no longer hold true.

Any insight on how to approach this and to be honest without being hurtful or force her to leave would be appreciated. She needs to know though that she can not dismiss the conversation again.

 

[Vastness]

Just break up with her, get a divorce, whatever you need to do to finish things, it's going to be the cleanest and only option in the end. You said it yourself, your reasons for getting married no longer hold true.

Realise that all your 3 options basically amount to "let me cheat on you and/or have sex with other women or it is over". This is not a fair or realistic proposition, if anything it is just selfish and cruel on your part, and frankly it's a little ridiculous that you would even be considering such an ultimatum.

If you have different views about monogamy the relationship is finished, so don't prolong the inevitable hurt any more than you need to.

I have never been married so perhaps I don't know what I'm talking about but I know if the situation was reversed, and a woman said to me anything like what you are proposing to say to your wife, I would immediately get the fuck out of there and never look back.

 

[Iron Lungs]

The most self centred ultimatum ever!

Its not going to happen and it definitely sounds like eventually your going to be on your own!

 

[protovack]

Whats so great about these other girls you are lusting after that would cause you to destroy your marriage? You know the reality will NOT be as good as you think. You will lose your marriage and regret it. Think this through

 

[Mike541]

Monogamy can happen, but it's not the truth. As a guy who constantly wants to fuck every girl I come across I realized one day, wheather you like it or not your girl wants a different dick here and there too aka "strange". Once I accepted that my gf and I had swinging experiences and 3 somes (mostly with another guy). What I discovered was that it turned me on to see her get off to what she wanted without fear of me judging her.

 

[pofacedhoe]

op how did it go?

 

[Xorkoth]

Well, you honestly have to respect her stance on the matter. My question is, was she ever into not being monogamous with you, or have you been trying to force it the whole time? If the latter (which it sounds like from your description), you should never have married her and honestly that's your bad and it was always destined to end in pain for her. If the former, that sucks that she's changed her views, but that's how it is.

If you're happy in your marriage besides this, I think if it were me, I'd deal with it. Random sex is fun, but it doesn't compare to something meaningful with someone you love. I mean I am in a 3 year relationship and for a while I wanted to experiment with other people but didn't because I realized I also didn't want to think about her with other people. Then we started feeling like monogamy was what we wanted. Obviously part of me would like to have sex with someone else too, as I'm sure she feels sometimes, but also the relationship is amazing and brings me a lot of joy and comfort. Of course I was also married for a long time before, so monogamy is something that's not challenging for me in general.

I'd say if this is causing you to think it's the end of a marriage of 11 years, it's probably the end. Just tell her you can't be monogamous and you have to end it. There's no way to not hurt her a lot here but being honest and up front will be less painful ultimately than cheating on her secretly and having her find out.

 

[Jmr828]

I have the same problem in my marriage. My hubby is very uptight, total buzz kill and no fun. I have cheated many times. Been caught many times too. Been married 16 years and feel like I'm in prison, being forced to become June Cleaver. I feel your pain. I find it very admirable you are honest. Good luck!