Weeks going by progressively escalating, poly substances, and tip toeing on the line

[Sierrapnw]

I have visitied this site for a couple years now and have received much knowledge and hope for myself. Please excuse me for possibly not being the best at my first point , but I've listened to recovery ads on tv over and over and needed to reach out
Long story short , I'm a women in her 20's, native ,started drinking young but over the years have had it become a daily ritual and cause lots of set backs In my life. Day before 21st birthday got a dui and hit and run from doing a 720 into a fence and had 4 fence poles go straight through my back windows. Since then it's been putting back together the shambles of my life . But before that I had my first white experience when I wa 18, plastered drunk with my cousin , she allows me
And her to take a ride with randoms from
A party , he dropped everyone off and took me
To his home. Gave me
My first line ever and ended up dropping to the ground and had my heart stop. I came to later god knows how and ended up naked with cigarette burns on my back.dude took
Me back to my
Parents and before dropping me off wanted to double check my
I'd, then sped off When I was 19-20 I dated my
First heavy dealer and picked up a rotten white addiction. Wake up if I even slept and line up 6 lines on my Amy wine house cd at 4:30 am and start my day, get off at 11 and pick up more ritually. Was trying to sleep one night knowing I had to be up a 4:30am to open the bikini barista stand I worked at and felt my heart to wanting to explode in my chest at 1am and had my realization then I was going down a very dangerous path .
After that period of time after the dui I still drank and eventually got caught up again shoplifting presents for Christmas , my lawyer pleaded about my alcohol dependency and had me in op for 6 months. For little over half the time I was attempting to clean myself up by drinking only 2 days after my most recent meeting then staying sober 5 days till my next one. By the last 2 months my weight from an emotional and physically abusive relationship with a heavy dealer sent me to the easy street using fake urine . I have been out of treatment for over 2 months and have gone back into drinking the moment I'm off work , even driving straight to the nearest store and cracking a bottle in my car just to come down from 30mg addy and white I've done through the day, then get home and pray there's bars my man has left for me, if not brown he's left sitting around accidentally. I've dabbled a bit in clear time to time but not recently being it makes me an unproductive violent trainwreck. DOC , alcohol, white, but the more I'm experimenting the more I'm enjoying combos like like ups with xan and I'm beginning to dabble in perc/ Vicodin. Only on occasion being my bf has been 3 years clean from brown he is very strict on opiates
I've had a new job that I love and am
Fortunate as heck to have but even tho I know more than a handful of my coworkers are coke heads getting plugged from my dude...I'm Getting an uncontrollable cough I can't stop and my nose is a leaky nasty gold mind of snot disaster. I wake up every morning feeling like I have a horrible cold and the more I'm around what my man does and the more I learn , the more tempted I'm becoming to try speedballs, more time in brown, and I know if I did I would have
No turning back
I apologize if I posted this unfashionably. If so please let me know.
I am looking for anyone with advice from their experience or knowledge. Please and thank you

 

[badfish45]

I'm kind of in a rush and honestly don't have the best advice to give but wanted to let you know I read through this and my heart goes out to you. You've come a long way simply admitting you have a problem and I applaud you for reaching out. You've gone through a lot i can tell just from reading this here.

I can promise you no matter how it feels there's a life outside of your addiction. You have a future past this life if you truly desire it.

 

[herbavore]

You have recognized that you need to change everything and yet I know how terrifying that must feel. If being clean makes you an " unproductive,violent trainwreck" it is going to be next to impossible to want to get there. In other words, you need a source of inspiration and motivation to get past that state and into something that feels good to you. Clearing your brain of the effects of substances does have to come first but you need support to untangle the life that you have accepted around the drug use (abuse, lack of belief in yourself). You are young and you can change everything but you are going to have to have a lot of support. The first step may be one of the hardest. Do you think your current bf would want to change his own life with you? If not, living with him is going to be a major problem in your own recovery. Do you feel ready to face that choice?

 

[cdin]

you're pretty young. keep going like that you'll feel old in no time (if you don't already). It's much easier to stop doing high intensity stimulants when you feel beat as fuck. Don't have to let it get there though, id turn it around right now while there was still time