gaslighting

[unearthlyn]

to gaslight someone is to manipulate them by psychological means into questioning their own sanity, like if you do something wrong to me and i call you out in some way it would be my fault for being upset.. it's a good tactic if you are using it on someone who is easily manipulated, but im a manipulator as well so i dont really fall for it. my recent ex boyfriend started doing this to me recently and i didnt even notice until i was breaking down and a nervous wreck for his actions.. what do you do when someone is gaslighting you? am i truly over reacting or insane or am i too forgiving? how does one manipulate a master manipulator??? give me ideas!!

 

[Smellitfirst]

how does one manipulate a master manipulator??? give me ideas!!

You remove them from your life.

 

[CFC]

You don't. You leave that person. What's the point of it for you anyway? You'll never have a genuine relationship with someone if you're always fake. You may as well date a computer program.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

to gaslight someone is to manipulate them by psychological means into questioning their own sanity, like if you do something wrong to me and i call you out in some way it would be my fault for being upset.. it's a good tactic if you are using it on someone who is easily manipulated, but im a manipulator as well so i dont really fall for it. my recent ex boyfriend started doing this to me recently and i didnt even notice until i was breaking down and a nervous wreck for his actions.. what do you do when someone is gaslighting you? am i truly over reacting or insane or am i too forgiving? how does one manipulate a master manipulator??? give me ideas!!

Maybe your boyfriend noticed how you have tendencies like a sociopath, or are a sociopath and are attempting to manipulate him and turned the tables on you?

This is not a healthy relationship for either of you to stay in. Just break up and don't have contact with each other. Seriously, it's for the best.

 

[tathra]

You remove them from your life.

qft. gaslighting is abuse, the best thing to do about abusers is to remove them from your life rather than acquiescencing to the abuse.

 

[pofacedhoe]

yeah when you clock it you remove it

 

[Tranced]

Call them out, then step away.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Well hang on now. OP admitted to being a manipulator themselves, which is kind of an odd thing to proclaim about yourself. Perhaps OP's ex-boyfriend is giving her a taste of her own medicine, and she's beginning to realize that maybe she has been acting a little "crazy", and their way of dealing with it is to chalk it up to "gaslighting" as opposed to admitting that they're conducting themselves inappropriately?

I simply must play devil's advocate.

Bottom line, there's simply not enough information in this one paragraph to honestly know what's up here. Why did you break up? Who called the break up? Exactly what kind of manipulation are we talking about, can you give examples? Can you give an example of how you manipulate(d) your now ex-boyfriend? Can you be honest and ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, what he's doing to you is some sort of "payback"?

Not saying any of this is justifiable or good in any way, this relationship sounds toxic as hell and it's a good thing you broke up, but you should probably leave each other alone.

 

[Emptty]

Well hang on now. OP admitted to being a manipulator themselves, which is kind of an odd thing to proclaim about yourself. Perhaps OP's ex-boyfriend is giving her a taste of her own medicine, and she's beginning to realize that maybe she has been acting a little "crazy", and their way of dealing with it is to chalk it up to "gaslighting" as opposed to admitting that they're conducting themselves inappropriately?

A lot of people will turn a situation around on the victim ("I'm not manipulative, you are!") as a form of gaslighting so someone saying they're manipulative could actually be the result of gaslighting and not a genuine fact about themselves. But I agree there's not enough information here to say one way or the other.

To answer the OPs question if someone is gaslighting you then you either need to confront them if it's safe, or remove them from your life. Some people are unintentionally manipulative and can stop if they become more aware of their behavior, but be sure there's actual effort going into that and they don't just say that they'll work on it to get you off their case. Victims of abuse and manipulation tend to end up being overly forgiving of their abusers behavior so I would hesitate to say you're overreacting but again there's not a lot of information here. If you really feel you're being mistreated I would recommend ending any relationship you still have with your ex but that has to be up to you.

I mean regardless of how he's treating you it doesn't seem that you benefit much from having contact with your ex, so why bother maintaining it?

 

[tathra]

Victims of abuse and manipulation tend to end up being overly forgiving of their abusers behavior

Its Stockholm syndrome, a Stockholm relationship if you will. First you have to get them to realize that yes, they're a victim and being abused.

Love the hxh avatar btw.

 

[brookelyn33]

I was in a relationship for almost 9 years with a narcissist. Gaslighting is one of the narcissists favorite tools to use in controlling you.
Best advice is to cut ties and be done with it. It took years for me to catch on to what my ex was doing to me. He had me convinced that I was bat shit crazy, to the point where I had made an appt with a psychiatrist to be put on meds, which is exactly what he wanted. Luckily I decided to open up to a close friend about what was going on. She counsels women who have gotten out of extremely abusive relationships and she started sending me articles about narcissist and gas lighting. It was a complete and total "AH HA" moment for me.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

A lot of people will turn a situation around on the victim ("I'm not manipulative, you are!") as a form of gaslighting so someone saying they're manipulative could actually be the result of gaslighting and not a genuine fact about themselves. But I agree there's not enough information here to say one way or the other.

Well said, good point. Maybe that's why she blamed herself for being manipulative.

 

[Cogari]

Cheers for clearing that up, didn't understand the term.

It's fucking disgusting. What you do is take a step back and realise what's happening: someone wants to break you. They want to destabilise you in order to control you. That's down the path of mental and physical abuse, trust me. See it for the attack it is, and fuck them off. Don't hesitate. If you are seriously suspicious that someone is going that far, it means they are fucking creepy at the very least, and you deserve better. You wouldn't let someone put you in a literal cage, so don't let that scumbag do it with emotional abuse. Please, please outmanoeuvre him by not playing the game, when you join in the silly mindgames you don't win. Be with someone who actually cares about you, no self respecting man wants to control their partner.

 

[pofacedhoe]

even on a date recently i was thinking, this dude is a little shit he brought up his birthday once saying it was october then later it was july, a light went off in my head. trust your intuition.

gas lighting is lying, if you keep feeling like they are a liar then get them out of your life.

gas lighting and all these problems all trace back to the early stages which is lying about any old random shit and you not saying "hey, you're lying- why are you lying?"

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I didn't even know "gaslighting" was a thing. That is definitely what a guy is doing to me. He even admitted he knows how to get inside my head and say the worst things that will mess with me. He takes everything I told him and uses it against me. He's a complete cunt. It's scary to deal with sociopaths.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I didn't even know "gaslighting" was a thing. That is definitely what a guy is doing to me. He even admitted he knows how to get inside my head and say the worst things that will mess with me. He takes everything I told him and uses it against me. He's a complete cunt. It's scary to deal with sociopaths.

Yes it's not fun. Get out of that relationship now. My ex did what you are describing, and leaving was the best thing I did. Stay safe.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Yes it's not fun. Get out of that relationship now. My ex did what you are describing, and leaving was the best thing I did. Stay safe.

Thank God you left! I'm not actually in a relationship. This is a guy I hooked up with twice last year. Now he's accusing me of things I didn't do all this time later. He comes up with more false accusations and leaves voicemails and texts that are extremely degrading. Definitely gaslighting because he's throwing everything I told him in my face and making me feel like the worst person on Earth. He's actually the evil one though and when we kinda made up one time in the past, he admitted he knows what to say to hurt me the most.

All I can do is get police involved at this point because I take threats seriously.

 

[Cogari]

Getting away is the only solution. Trust me, people who are content to get in your head and take pride in it have a good chance of becoming physically abusive too. If they see you as lesser than them, eventually they may resort to hitting you because they fudge the gap of respect, and don't mind hurting you because you're beneath them. As someone who did wind up taking it for far longer than I should have, do not allow it to happen to you. They will walk away with anger at you and the same smugness, and you will feel inferior. It's just not worth it.

 

[xivixive]

i dunno, my wife says i do this to her all the time. to that i say - did you ever consider that the basis of my critisizing is the FACT that what i am saying to you is the truth about the way things really are? ever consider YOU are the one that the problem is originating from? ever consider that it is not me "being mean" its you failing to recognize or acknowledge that there is an issue on YOUR end, and you're the one avoiding the consequences of refusing to change the behavior that is causing me to even have this conversation?

*i don't mean you, OP, this is just what i say to the wife and its easier for me to type "1st person" then trying to reorganize it

 

[Xorkoth]

My ex-wife used to do this to me, and over time (~12 years) it broke me down in some really profound ways. For the longest time I realized it was her problem, and didn't let it affect my self-esteem (although I guess my self-esteem wasn't that high since I didn't think to myself, this is fucked up, I need to leave), but eventually I started believing her. She would blame me for all the things that she hated about herself, and make me believe it was me who was that way and she who had to deal with it. Incredibly manipulative and abusive. By the end I was thinking I was crazy and damaged and a total piece of shit - she had me believing that I was doing it to her when I was just desperately trying to assert myself. Then she finally did something to break the spell (told my good friend she had feelings for him), and I saw it for what it was, I was with a person with borderline personality disorder or something related, who hated herself and emotionally manipulated me in order to feel better about herself and have power over someone. I'm thankful every day I got out of that. Eventually found my current girlfriend now and I get to experience a truly healthy relationship without any dysfunction or abuse, we've never even gotten in a fight after almost 3 years. What a fucking difference that's made in my life.