I'm worried my daughter is doing heroin

[Cornucopia]

Hi, I might just be an overprotective concerned mom, but I'm worried my daughter is using heroin (or something else.) Am I right to worry? To give some background information:
She is 19 years of age and still lives at home with me and her dad. She is currently attending art and media college but she is not doing her best. She has missed deadlines for her assignments and just doesn't bother. She never bothers to look after herself, and which we have been called into the college numerous times. Still, she doesn't change her attitude, and has been on a downward slope since we had those meetings. One thing which I am worried about is that when I have given her money for food at college, she has not been using it and has instead said that she has forgot to bring lunch, in order to get money from her peers and the tutors. She's never had many friends and is socially withdrawn at college and at home she never goes out anywhere. So I don't know where she could have got anything, however I'm still suspicious.
She doesn't have a job either, and instead she does chores at home (washing up, cleaning etc) in order to get money for "travel". She apparently saves it all up for her future ambitions but I have never seen it. And she refuses to use her own money to pay for ANYTHING, insisting that she is saving it all up for travelling. Furthermore, I have noticed things going missing around the house, including cutlery such as spoons, and sometimes money has gone missing as well.
What do I do? She is tired all the time and apparently has no energy to do anything. She doesn't even care for her appearance at all and sleeps as soon as she gets home, sometimes through to the morning the next day.
What do you think? Am I right to be suspicious? Should I ask her about it? (I know that she will deny it even if she was using) but I'm just concerned about the way she is right now, that she doesn't seem to care about herself, and might have turned to drugs.

 

[chelle216]

I think it's great that you're concerned about your daughter's wellbeing, however, I think you should think in terms of a mental health issue before anything else. Your daughter is at an age where some mental health issues first start manifesting, such as bipolar disorder, but let's not jump the gun here. I think it's entirely possible that your daughter is just having a difficult time possibly due to depression/anxiety or is simply overwhelmed with her schooling and perhaps would like a break. Is it possible she's using drugs, sure, but you lack stating that you've found proof in your daughter that points more specific to opiate abuse; physical things such as, pinpoint pupils, nodding out, excessing scratching, track marks, ect.

I would encourage you to have an open discussion with her WITHOUT bringing up your fears of drug abuse. Instead ask your daughter if she's having problems with depression or anxiety, and let her know that she can come to you with anything and should have no fear in doing so. Wait to talk about your drug suspicions until you have more definitive proof, otherwise you risk pushing her away.

 

[treezy z]

She sounds fucking depressed first and foremost, could be drugs involved possibly from the money thing but everything else sounds like depression. the drugs are not necessarily heroin (the sleeping etc is a depression symptom.) Quite frankly she would have OD'd on heroin by now if this has been going on a while because heroin is not really heroin at this point it's fentanyl laden poison (at least in New England.)

 

[LucidSDreamr]

having been the son on heroin...shes not going to admit it to you as long as she still has free food, heroin money, and free housing. I'm sorry to say but the only way to find out for sure is to be underhanded. Try getting a hair sample to drug test perhaps.

if her pupils are pinpoint sized its likely heroin

 

[Bearlove]

She is an adult now and it's time for you to treat her as such - tell her that you are concerned about her health and her grades and explain your concerns. Drug use doesn't need to come into play but I would be addressing the lack of hygiene, lack of personal care and I would address the money going missing also.

I wish you well

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Im not sure i can add much. Confronting is likely not going to work.

Increasing support to elicit more answers may help, but may not too.
Discussions around depression might help you rule it out.

Missing spoons is an interesting thing to note.
I truly hope you get through this, your questioning a forum is a great idea, just not sure if anyoone could actually confirm it.

 

[subotai]

I mean, just going off what you said, sounds like your daughter is using opiates. Might not necessarily be heroin but some kind of opiate.

whatever you do, don't try and make it feel like you are punishing her for whatever coarse of action you take

 

[Cornucopia]

Well, there have been instances where she was acting strange. A few nights ago she was falling asleep while standing and brushing her teeth and had left the tap on. She seemed almost unaware when I came in to do my teeth... And she was still standing! I k ow that's not the only time something like that has happened as there has been more than one occasion, she was acting really slow and like she was in "another world." I have noticed her scratching a lot, but then it's no surprise because she just doesn't look after herself. As far as track marks, I haven't noticed, as she rarely wears short sleeves so I never get a look to be honest. And as for her eyes, I haven't noticed anything.
I haven't found anything like needles in her room either, (I haven't searched around to be honest as it is a pig sty in there), but I think that if she is, indeed doing drugs, she would have hidden them rather well...
Yes she has suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, maybe a year or two ago, and then she gradually got better. But now she's started going downhill again. I want to talk to her without sounding nosy.
Thanks for your advice.

 

[T. Calderone]

I think nodding out while standing could indicate your daughter's on some type of downers. Couple that with the fact you're missing spoons and money and she's scratching, it does look suspicious. I'm a mom, too and my son wasn't really good at hiding his drug use (then again, it wasn't opiates) It is possible that her mental health issues of the past may have been drug related as well. It's hard to tell for sure. Has she always been sloppy or is this a fairly new thing?

What you can do is watch her closely and have a talk when you feel the time is right. I don't think your daughter will be very forthcoming so you have to be prepared for her to deny it. What I would be doing right now is taking inventory of valuables like jewelry and electronics. Also, limit the amount of cash she has available. Can you give her a debit or prepaid card? (a way to not give her cash) I think if you search her room, you may find your missing spoons and other paraphernalia. Many drug users also keep stuff in their car.

 

[Relapz]

Sorry to say but "nodding off" or falling asleep is a definite sign of opiate use, it may not be heroin but it could be pills.

I know confrontation might not be something you want to do but this could be the difference between life and death, you should definitely sit her down and talk to her. But don't attack her because that's not going to help the situation, simply express your concern and how you want to help her.

I hope it all works out, if she is on heroin recovery is possible.

 

[Cornucopia]

So, I just found out my daughter has been using heroin... I can't believe it.
I just don't know what to do. I sat down with her and asked her if there are any problems she is having that she wants to talk about, and be honest with me. I voiced my concerns to her, and she broke down and admitted that she has been using. For 5 months! She said it helps her to deal with her anxiety and depression, and if taken away then she won't cope without it. I also looked through her phone and found contacts for drug dealers! It turns out that someone from college got her into drugs and she goes to the park (by herself) in order to get high. Before now I never would have expected this from her. She is not like the kind of "rebel teen" that you hear about.
Needles to say I have taken away her phone, and confiscated all paraphernalia. What do I do nexT? I want to help her - she is my daughter. And as you can probably tell I'm still shocked. I know it will be really hard for her, but I need to help her come off this awful drug. Does anyone have any kind of advice for me and my daughter? She needs help. Right away.
I also don't want to get the police involved. I know she has this problem, but she is a good kid... She is still my baby girl, but I now she needs help. She took drugs because of her depression... I feel like a bad mother. I didn't notice anything before now, I never talked to her. Maybe this never would have happened if I had been a better mom. Does anybody have some advice? I have never been in this kind of situation before, and I just don't know what to do. She needs help...

 

[Felonious Monk]

Look into dual-diagnosis treatment facilities, places that will treat mental health issues (the depression and anxiety) as well as the substance use issues that stem from them. Make sure the place is progressive and stresses a "harm reduction" model of treatment--these are the most scientifically sound and give the best chance of success (what that means is they don't demonize medication-assisted treatment and will give your daughter the tools she needs to succeed).

 

[Cornucopia]

Look into dual-diagnosis treatment facilities, places that will treat mental health issues (the depression and anxiety) as well as the substance use issues that stem from them. Make sure the place is progressive and stresses a "harm reduction" model of treatment--these are the most scientifically sound and give the best chance of success (what that means is they don't demonize medication-assisted treatment and will give your daughter the tools she needs to succeed).

It will be hard for her, and the family... But I think that is the best option for her right now. She is still downstairs crying because she is getting these terrible withdrawal symptoms, she's afraid that if we take that away from her (the drugs) then her depression and anxiety will come back, and she is going to get ill. I tried to explain to her already that she needs to get treatment, and that this will help her with her mental health and well-being, but she's still in denial. Maybe if I sit down with her and talk it through with her, she'll calm down about it? Anyway, I'm afraid to leave her on her own at the moment, with the way she is and he state she is in right now. I think it will be best if we, as a family, work through this together. I'll be back with more news to let you know how it goes. I am really praying for her right now, that this will work for her. I would hate for her to come back out of treatment, only to get involved in this kind of stuff again. Thanks for the support, and I'll take it into consideration.

 

[Relapz]

Unfortunately to say but she must be ready to change and stop for it to be successful, but there are other options for treatment of depression and anxiety. I used heroin for the same reasons, and being a drug addict and all (I believe its a disease, my whole family is alcoholic). But hopefully she is willing to stop and change her life, there is options like suboxone and methadone which are harm reduction drugs which she could be on daily, but are a slippery slope because they are just as addictive and difficult to stop.

Let her know that getting off of heroin in a medical detox facility is not as painful as she may think, and that she can do it. Be there for her, but also don't blame yourself. It is in no way your fault, just like it is not my parents fault I used heroin. Don't blame yourself, it is not your fault.

 

[systems-vehicle]

This.

My mental health was what motivated me to start and maintain a heroin/opioid habit. It seems like such a panacea when you first find it.

Most mental health isn't treated properly, especially with the availability of anti-depressants. It's so much easier and (for both the patient and the services) to prescribe/take the pills and neglect to confront the underlying issues in a proper psychotherapeutic setting.

Your daughter's still young. You should both try to think of this as a new beginning. She needs to accept that heroin is just treating the symptoms of her condition, whereas to live a fulfilled life she has to work on curing it.

In the short term, I'd recommend a buprenorphine/subutex taper (or maintenance) over methadone. Methadone, for me, just further entrenched my negative, addictive tendencies and inhibited my personal growth and ultimate recovery.

I can't stress enough how important proper psychotherapeutic treatment is. My mental health has always been a far greater burden than addiction. I doubt I'd even have had such problems with addiction if I'd addressed my mental health as early as your daughter now has the opportunity to.

Good luck!

 

[T. Calderone]

Don't blame yourself for your daughter getting on heroin, Cornucopia. You did the right thing in having this talk. Now that this has been revealed, she can get help for her addiction. What you may want to do is call your insurance provider and see if they can get her into a detox program. She may have to take the rest of the semester off college as well so you might want to speak to them and say she has a medical issue. (I'm going to move this to the Dark Side)

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Im sorry this resulted in her actually being on heroin, however, you are doing very well in approaching this with her.
She will need support, and guidance (from the system. Counseling, rehab, psychologist, etc) what ever works in her situation. Communication and honesty are half the battle tho, your doing well.

 

[herbavore]

Look into dual-diagnosis treatment facilities, places that will treat mental health issues (the depression and anxiety) as well as the substance use issues that stem from them. Make sure the place is progressive and stresses a "harm reduction" model of treatment--these are the most scientifically sound and give the best chance of success (what that means is they don't demonize medication-assisted treatment and will give your daughter the tools she needs to succeed).

The kind of help your daughter gets is so important. Telling a young person that they must give up the only thing that has so far seemed to help them feel at ease in their own minds is a losing strategy and yet this is often all that traditional rehabs offer (at least in the US--can't speak for other countries). From the outside it is easy to see that an addictive drug is not the solution but from the inside things look very different. One of the biggest problems your daughter will have to navigate is the comparison of instant alleviation of difficult emotions she gets from a drug and the very slow alleviation that comes over time from different therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Mindfulness Practice. A person that has no faith in their own abilities for healing must first find that faith and that can be a very tall order, especially for a young person that has not even fully matured.

Encouragement and education are the most important things that you can offer. Read everything you can to understand addiction and share this material with your daughter and your partner (and any other relevant family members). Drug abuse and addiction are rife with shameful stigma and this is the worst setting for rebuilding faith and empowering your daughter to create change from within.

Good luck. From one mother to another, I know how difficult this is for you and how helpless you can feel. It is very, very important to get support for yourself during this time. One of the hardest things in the world is determining how best to help one of our own children in this situation. Trust your instincts but be very clear that you have control over nothing but your own actions and reactions. Your daughter is on a path of her own and her stumbles and falls will be excruciating to watch but it is so important to understand the difference between genuine encouragement and trying to "fix" her problems yourself.

 

[cj]

First of all make sure she gets a proper medical taper I can't stress that enough. If you make her go through unmedicated withdrawal lifes gonna get ugly. Also she sounds depressed possiby suicidal. I started shooting heroine at her age because I wanted to die and hey if I can feel great and die at the same time then hell yeah. 5 months is not a long habit at all so I wouldon't recommend impatient rehab just a quick trip to a 5 day detox. Then she needs a full physiological evaluation. I would venture to guses there's been trauma in her life? I was sexual abused and until I started unraveling that disgusting stuff I didn't want to quit heroin. Your goal as a loved one is to create an environment where she feels loved and supported not punished and untrusted. Forget that shot about the police and never mention it again please they don't care about her.

I'm gonna ask the mods to move this to sober living as we have some people there with long term recovery short term recovery and everything in between. I myself was only able to quit by getting on methadone maintenance. I put my parents through hell for 10 years before that. Inpatient rehab the 30 day 30 grand abstinance only programs are 99 percent trash they are selling you hope but the truth is the ball is in your daughters court.

My advice is get her into a short term detox then ignore there advice for further treatment. Get her a therapist and phychiatrist be prepared to try a few and give her the confidence to work through her emotional issues. Keep an eye on her obviously but don't smother and don't punish it will only drive her away. Your next conversation should start with honey what do you want to do about this situation. Empower her to want to get better. At 19 this can just be a bump in the road if handled correctly. Or it can be a lifelong problem. Handue it with kid gloves.

 

[neversickanymore]

please get an opioid reversal if you're in an area where this is legal, if not find a way. Too much fentanyl etc out there. As your daughter works at trying to conquer this ask her if you can observe her dosage.