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Does it bother anyone else how uptight partners get about opposite sex friends?

Z

ZayKayWill

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 19, 2016
Messages
54
It makes me so angry. On one hand I do know that there are a lot of unfaithful people out there who can't seem to control themselves when it comes to other people of the opposite sex, but still. There are some people out there who legitimately can be friends and nothing more with people of the opposite sex. Feelings could develop, sure, but it's not like it's gonna happen inevitably. If every person instantly fell for someone simply because they spent so much time with them, how do you explain all the people who end up getting divorced and all that crap? I do agree that perhaps you shouldn't spend AS MUCH time with them as you do your SO just so you're still making your current relationship something special, but to order your partner to not even be friends with someone of the opposite sex? That just doesn't sit well with me. Yet it seems to me that the majority of people in life have this mindset. Or am I wrong? If I am, PLEASE do say so because I would love to be wrong in this manner.

If my partner say had a really good childhood friend of the opposite sex and they were hanging out a lot, all I would do would just address it and tell them how I feel about it. "Hey honey. While I do respect your friendship with Larry, I'm still your boyfriend. I'm not saying stop being friends with him, but when you treat him like he's equal to me, it makes me feel like I'm not special in your eyes." Yet most people would automatically break up with them no questions asked. I hate it. :/
 
yeah it seems it comes from having issues trusting other people, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy, through not trusting your partner you push them away.

also the sexualisation of the opposite sex, to the extent that you can't seperate wanting to fuck someone and enjoying their company or conversation. which is to me immaturity

i think its important to maintain friendships whilst in a relationship regardless of their gender.
 
no-one in a relationship should be ordering their partner to do anything

if you put up with that kind of crap more fool you

if someone doesn't want you to have friends thats not cool- its controlling

how long ago did you spilt up with your girlfriend and you are still angry?
 
Trust and honestly are foundations of a relationship. You HAVE to trust your partner. I have never had issues with my partner going to visit his female friends. Why? I trust him. He doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with my male friends. Why? He trusts me. However, neither of us have had a reason not to.

Many people do have reasons. Maybe their previous partner cheated on them. Maybe they are trying to make it work with a cheating partner. In that case, I can see it. Two different scenarios but you have to be understanding on why one person is worried. And just help them out by even giving them extra info. Ex. texting "hey I'm at Anne's place, she says hi!" and just checking in with the partner. Also making sure that your partner knows who your friends are. Not every detail of the conversation. But if Anne is a really good friend, make sure your partner knows it. Introduce your partner to Anne. Make sure your partner knows the important people in your life. Eventually you'll show you're trustworthy. But a lot of people (male and female) have trust issues, just by being burned in the past. Please give them some slack. They've suffered a lot. Extra communication really helps the situation.
 
llama112 said:
Trust and honestly are foundations of a relationship. You HAVE to trust your partner. I have never had issues with my partner going to visit his female friends. Why? I trust him. He doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with my male friends. Why? He trusts me. However, neither of us have had a reason not to.

Many people do have reasons. Maybe their previous partner cheated on them. Maybe they are trying to make it work with a cheating partner. In that case, I can see it. Two different scenarios but you have to be understanding on why one person is worried. And just help them out by even giving them extra info. Ex. texting "hey I'm at Anne's place, she says hi!" and just checking in with the partner. Also making sure that your partner knows who your friends are. Not every detail of the conversation. But if Anne is a really good friend, make sure your partner knows it. Introduce your partner to Anne. Make sure your partner knows the important people in your life. Eventually you'll show you're trustworthy. But a lot of people (male and female) have trust issues, just by being burned in the past. Please give them some slack. They've suffered a lot. Extra communication really helps the situation.
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Yet you wouldn't be okay with your partner going on vacation with another female friend? xD
 
I fully acknowledge that this may not be a particularly mature or even rationally justifiable viewpoint, but I generally do view it with suspicion when ANY heterosexual individual has a large amount of opposite sex "platonic" friends. I think women are also a lot more tolerant and accepting of this idea than men, and tend to think that men who have a problem with it are being irrationally jealous and possessive... whereas those men who do have an issue with it typically think that women are just being too trusting and naive. I am generalizing massively here of course, but this is just my experience, anyone is free to contradict me. I would like to think the reality of the situation is somewhere in the middle.

Obviously there are different levels of friendship also, and it's not sensible or realistic to have an issue with all of them, but I don't think I could ever date someone who had a very close opposite sex "childhood friend" as you describe it, because in my view there would be a level of emotional intimacy there which I wasn't part of and wouldn't be able to accept, even if there had never been any expressed sexual or romantic feelings. I think there is also an argument that there is no such thing as a truly "platonic" friendship and if any 2 people know each other long enough, and connect with each other emotionally for an extended period, then inevitably there will be some romantic feelings that develop, and even if these are mostly unconscious and never acted upon, the potential is there for these feelings to corrode the health of any actual, "official" relationship that either person may be in.

Again I want to clarify I'm not saying that it's necessarily right or healthy to think like this, this is just my opinion and/or gut feeling, and I haven't historically been that great at maintaining long term relationships in my own life so maybe that says something. However I do think it's an interesting topic and one in which everyone should try to see both sides.
 
Disagree. I think people often believe they are the "exception" somehow, as if they are not at risk for the temptation of an opposite sex "friend". Usually these people are always complaining about the "rules" and "i can be friends with whoever i want". Guess who ends up cheating--thats right, those people.
 
protovack said:
Disagree. I think people often believe they are the "exception" somehow, as if they are not at risk for the temptation of an opposite sex "friend". Usually these people are always complaining about the "rules" and "i can be friends with whoever i want". Guess who ends up cheating--thats right, those people.
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If a girl comes onto me, I won't turn her down, but that doesn't mean I can't still just be a friend, especially if I'm in a relationship. I have multiple female friends who are nothing more than that. Yeah people do get tempted, but that's on you. Everyone has a 'crush' on people they find attractive. It's up to you whether or not you act upon those. I'm the kind of person that would immediately confess if I cheated. I know from experience. I didn't cheat, but I did help my best friends girlfriend cheat on me...so yeah.
 
ZayKayWill said:
If a girl comes onto me, I won't turn her down, but that doesn't mean I can't still just be a friend, especially if I'm in a relationship.
....
I didn't cheat, but I did help my best friends girlfriend cheat on me...so yeah.
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These sentences don't make sense but if they mean what it sounds like you intended them to mean, they don't paint a good picture of you as a person.

Do you mean cheat WITH you?
 
Vastness said:
These sentences don't make sense but if they mean what it sounds like you intended them to mean, they don't paint a good picture of you as a person.

Do you mean cheat WITH you?
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Yeah my friends gf and I were hanging out one night and she came onto me. I pushed her off at first but we were drinking so I guess that kinda made me say screw it after a while. I ended up telling the friend though. We're still friends to this day.
 
ZayKayWill said:
Yet you wouldn't be okay with your partner going on vacation with another female friend? xD
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Why would he want to go on a romantic vacation with someone other than me? If he can answer that with a good answer then okay. But I find it hard to think of a good reason. But he can try. I'm open to the idea if there is a good reason. That's something I just couldn't think of a good reason. It is all depended on the exact situation.
 
llama112 said:
Why would he want to go on a romantic vacation with someone other than me? If he can answer that with a good answer then okay. But I find it hard to think of a good reason. But he can try. I'm open to the idea if there is a good reason. That's something I just couldn't think of a good reason. It is all depended on the exact situation.
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I can understand that.
 
Vastness said:
I fully acknowledge that this may not be a particularly mature or even rationally justifiable viewpoint, but I generally do view it with suspicion when ANY heterosexual individual has a large amount of opposite sex "platonic" friends. I think women are also a lot more tolerant and accepting of this idea than men, and tend to think that men who have a problem with it are being irrationally jealous and possessive... whereas those men who do have an issue with it typically think that women are just being too trusting and naive. I am generalizing massively here of course, but this is just my experience, anyone is free to contradict me. I would like to think the reality of the situation is somewhere in the middle.

Obviously there are different levels of friendship also, and it's not sensible or realistic to have an issue with all of them, but I don't think I could ever date someone who had a very close opposite sex "childhood friend" as you describe it, because in my view there would be a level of emotional intimacy there which I wasn't part of and wouldn't be able to accept, even if there had never been any expressed sexual or romantic feelings. I think there is also an argument that there is no such thing as a truly "platonic" friendship and <b>if any 2 people know each other long enough, and connect with each other emotionally for an extended period, then inevitably there will be some romantic feelings that develop, and even if these are mostly unconscious and never acted upon, the potential is there for these feelings to corrode the health of any actual, "official" relationship that either person may be in.</b>

Again I want to clarify I'm not saying that it's necessarily right or healthy to think like this, this is just my opinion and/or gut feeling, and I haven't historically been that great at maintaining long term relationships in my own life so maybe that says something. However I do think it's an interesting topic and one in which everyone should try to see both sides.
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If that were true people wouldn't be getting divorced or breaking up.
 
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To me it seems odd people are jealous of their partners alternate social connections. I've been in an open relationship for 15 years, I've met my partners other partners and even had a few threesums along the way despite his tastes are not exactly mine. Over years we noticed we had become monogamous and we're actually discussing if we felt we had lost something in our sex life by not having extra affairs.

I can understand an absolute safe sex rule (we have this) but to mistrust each other so much you need to edit each other's behavior seems like a short term relationship in the making. I would assume we are all now capable of planning to not get pregnant, it is easier if everything is on the table. Without restrictive rules it allowed us the freedom to have our lives our way and still be there for each other.
 
I kinda trained myself out of being on edge about a partners friends when I was young because other girls who were jealous and controlling seemed like really hard work as girlfriends and when I hung out with my then partner and his mates they would all complain about their controlling jealous girlfriends and some cheated anyway.

My then partner had heaps of female friends and stayed friends with exes but I hung out with them from time to time and it was all good.


My then partner didnt like me having male friends because they were mainly my friends partners and not his own crew. There were no real jealousy issues really.

If someones going to cheat, they will do so regardless on how many opposite sex friends they have.

Worrying about cheating is just a waste of time and could make you seem like someone thats not worthwhile being around so dont worry about it and just appreciate what you have.
 
YES. I hate it. My boyfriend and I are not jealous at all, but we talk openly about the issues. I know he would never cheat on me, and vice versa. He has more issues with my male friends than I do with his female friends. I kind of like it because he's very protective.
 
The ones most uptight about their partner's opposite sex friends are usually projecting, that is, they're likely to cheat so they think their partner must be too. The same as how constant accusations of cheating always come from cheaters themselves, they're cheating and don't want to feel bad about it so they try to force the idea that its ok for them to cheat because their partner must be doing it too.

You can't tell your partner who they can and cant be friends with. They're your partner, not your property.
 
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I have always been chill about opposite sex friends, however a similar mind on the subject is a rarity.

I've learned to just respect the boundaries and wishes that my partner needs to feel secure and any guy who was my "friend" always seemed to have an alterior motive, anyway.

I choose a healthy relationship over suspicion and sneaking around to be friends with some guy I knew beforehand and that is because the majority of people who inhabit this earth have a hard time staying platonic, which renders trust issues in most people. I have never had an alterior motive in any friendship of mine ...

learn, grow, respect other peoples feelings and then you will flourish. ^_^
 
I dont know any males who are "good" friends with any females that they wouldn't shag given the opportunity. All I ask is that my chick acknowledges that those guys are hanging around for a reason. After many years and proving to her that guy who isn't attracted to her at all in her mind will drop everything to bang given the opportunity she finally understands lol
 
Depends..

1. How close is this friend?
2. How attractive is she?
3. How cool am I with her?
4. How much do I trust him?
5. How secure do I feel about the relationship?
 
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