• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

April Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs. Spring is in the Air

you're kind and i know you go through a lot. glad i've gotten to know you on here recently.

here's admitting it. i smoked dope tonight. not appropriate for me to be posting in this thread for the time being. wishing you all the best and talk to you elsewhere on bluelight for now.

I want to echo TPD's comments--this is exactly the place to discuss this. And I'm really glad you felt OK with explaining what happened. Keep shining light on the secrets, man.

It strikes me as important (or at least noteworthy) that heroin isn't your DOC. I have a similar dynamic--heroin *is* my DOC, but in a pinch, for some reason that I've never understood well, I'll monkey around with stimulants. The reason I bring this up is that I can sometimes get better insight on my motives for using when I'm dealing with "second choice" drugs instead of H. That is, when I feel compelled to use coke or amphetamines, my underlying motivation is usually not too hard to excavate. That's in contrast to dope; my relationship with that drug is so complicated, I have a motherfucker of a time figuring out which end is up when I'm craving heroin.
 
Sounds like you are in a really good place with this right now subotai!

What are you doing to keep yourself focused on moving ahead in your life? Not only with your recovery, but in terms of what you want to achieve for yourself?

Right now, mainly just going to work. I was exercising a fair amount in jail and rehab but once I started working that dipped down a bit. I started going to the gym again last week though. feels good.

As far as what I want to achieve for myself, I still dont really know. It's weird though like I've felt my confidence come back as I get further and further away from the addict lifestyle. I don't know what I want to do with my life necessarily yet, but I am 100% sure that I will be able to do it when I finally decide what that is. When your biggest problem is being introverted, things actually arent that bad.

I am a good person at heart. of course theres some flaws, but by and large I am a good person. The problem throughout my life has always been in my own head, not with other people. Other people like me and want to interact with me. What I need to start doing is actually letting that happen.

Because in all honesty, im pretty fucked up. I could sit here and talk to myself in my own head for hours and not even realize it. And the way I think about stuff and how my mind works, its fucking out there man.

But I almost feel too odd to truly form friendships with people. But I can be cool with everyone.

I dont know what Im even talking about anymore. Its like, I say Im confident and know what I need to do to improve my life but I never actually do it. I guess I still dont care enough to actually change much. The knowledge that I could if I wanted to always seems to be enough for me, I dont need to actually do something to feel good about it. I can just be like "well if I really put my mind to it I could do that" and call it a day knowing full well that I could. No motivation to do much
 
Subotai, remember that there's no need to figure things out in any rush. It sounds like you're making real progress...out of jail, distance between you and active addiction, employed and busy. That's a fuck-ton, man. I hope you're proud! <3
 
thanks simco, I do feel somewhat proud of the difference between myself now and this time last year. But only to a certain extent, since this is what I really should have been doing all along.

I was also living with my grandparents and my aunt who was also a drug addict. My grandfather basically would just worry about my grandmother (who passed away in November) and that left me to my own devices. My parents are pretty hands off when it comes to telling me what I should or shouldnt do and my brother moved out of that house in late October of 2015 so for a solid year and a half I was basically just a full time junkie who would go from job to job for a week or two, get a paycheck, have pretty much everyone I worked with realize I was a junky, and promptly move on to the next job.

its hard sometimes because I still work in the same area that my grandparents house is in and it brings back a lot of shitty memories. And some random memories as well

thats why I keep thinking the best course of action for me might be to just move to California. Fuck school, fuck working in a deli, fuck Pennsylvania, I should just go.

Getting back to the "100% sure I will be able to do it" bit from the last post, that is kind of the reason I would just want to go. If I'm as smart as I say I am, I'll figure it the fuck out.

I have a little bit of money saved up that I was going to spend on a car but I might just save it for if I do decide to go west. Idk, I just need to do something different. I love Philadelphia sports teams but the actual city itself can get bent, seriously. Philly sucks. The only reason people from Philly talk shit on everywhere else is because our city actually is pretty sad to live in.

The closest beach requires you to go to New Jersey and the water is a nice greenish brown color anyway.

The three major themes are beer hipsters, open air drug selling, and poverty. Not a huge fan of all 3 of those.

Outside of the occasional 70 degree and sunny day in April/May or September/October, the weather is usually either way too cold or way too hot.

I dont really go skiing or snowboarding so the mountains dont really appeal to me and its not like theyre "close" anyway

marijuana is still illegal, they havent even enacted the medical program yet. The bill for MMJ passed, but apparently it takes 2 years to do fucking anything in govt

Idk, im glad I grew up here, and it helped me become the person I am today, but I feel like its time to move on. The only positive thing I can honestly say growing up here helped me with is keeping it real. And I dont exactly love that saying but its really the only way I can describe it. You have to keep it real because the reality sucks and hits you across the face each and every day.

Oh and hating on things, I can be a real good hater. Oh, youre having a good day? Well guess what? Im not, and youre about to not be either because...

lol, two quality traits Ill tell ya. a hater who keeps its real. because thats what people want to hear all the time.

get me out of here!
 
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marijuana is still illegal, they havent even enacted the medical program yet. The bill for MMJ passed, but apparently it takes 2 years to do fucking anything in govt

I simply wasn't going to wait in Virginia an indefinite number of years for the politics to change. I moved to California and am glad I did.
 
^ not to play armchair psychologist but I used to think along similar lines. It took a very long time for me to discover and then acknowledge that there was a weird "fear of success / fear of failure" dynamic at play that had really been hamstringing me for pretty much my whole life.

I wasn't even aware of it even though it had dictated so much of my "lazy, underachiever" behavior until I'd been in therapy for years.
 
That dynamic sounds eerily familiar JBrandon ;) I'm a little confused as to what was your post in response to (was it what subotai was saying)?
 
It's been a big week! DWI case resolved on Monday, got a raise at work and a potential new NA sponsor on Tuesday, and six months clean today. I feel wonderful.
 
Wooooooh! Congrats Kiefers :D

How are you going to celebrate your new raise? Hopefully you can find something special to do to reward yourself that is still in line with your new healthier lifestyle :)
 
Good question. I forgot how to celebrate without drugs. There are a lot of endings and new beginnings happening for me this week and in the not-too-distant future so I may hold off until the following weekend to make any plans.
 
Toothpastedog,

Blue light mobile has been totally fucked for me for probably six months AT LEAST. The posts I see are always out of order and if I don't check the time stamp for each one I wind up replying to a post that is already buried. I was replying to whoever said they believe they can do all kinds of shit but never do it, content in their belief that they could if they really wanted to.
 
Toothpastedog,

Blue light mobile has been totally fucked for me for probably six months AT LEAST. The posts I see are always out of order and if I don't check the time stamp for each one I wind up replying to a post that is already buried. I was replying to whoever said they believe they can do all kinds of shit but never do it, content in their belief that they could if they really wanted to.

Yeah, the mobile version of this site is fucked, I just use always use the full version.
 
LOL it's all good. I like to use the full site version when I'm using my phone: https://bluelight.org/vb/threads/713150-Bluelight-Mobile-(With-Links-to-Both-Mobile-and-Full-Site!)

Good question. I forgot how to celebrate without drugs. There are a lot of endings and new beginnings happening for me this week and in the not-too-distant future so I may hold off until the following weekend to make any plans.

How about going out to dinner and/or a movie with friends? Or just taking yourself out and doing something small like that that is nice for yourself :)
 
^ I like the old ones.

Pretty happy with my sobriety these days. :)
Sometimes it feels good to be the only without a hangover at work. Especially on Mondays.
 
LOL so true. And you get to mess (in a kind enough way I mean) with those who are still fucked up from their weekend ;)
 
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