• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

April Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs. Spring is in the Air

JunkieGirl...welcome back and congrats! That's a great accomplishment. I'm really sorry to hear that other shit has you down. But that makes the continued clean time that much more impressive.

FWIW, I just celebrated my first 6 months clean off heroin...when I was just starting to get my shit together, your story was especially inspiring to me. I'm so glad to hear that you've continued to stay on your square.

<3
Sim
 
Simco that is fucking amazing! I'm so proud of you. That's worth a whole bunch and I really hope you don't think any differently then that.
<3
 
I have been off h since march 21, 2005. I'm struggling with prescribed opiates for pain issues. I wish it was easier, but I haven't found anything else that works for the pain as well. I just take too much sometimes. It's really troubling me.
 
JunkieGirl...welcome back and congrats! That's a great accomplishment. I'm really sorry to hear that other shit has you down. But that makes the continued clean time that much more impressive.

FWIW, I just celebrated my first 6 months clean off heroin...when I was just starting to get my shit together, your story was especially inspiring to me. I'm so glad to hear that you've continued to stay on your square.

<3
Sim

Ditto! So glad to hear you are doing well J! <3
 
I almost threw away my 10+ months of clean time today for some odd reason. I've never come that close to copping since I've been clean and it scares the shit out of me. I was in my truck on the way to get some dope when I talked myself out of it. I live in a recovery house and knew I could get away with it but something stopped me and I'm just thankful for that.
 
I almost threw away my 10+ months of clean time today for some odd reason. I've never come that close to copping since I've been clean and it scares the shit out of me. I was in my truck on the way to get some dope when I talked myself out of it. I live in a recovery house and knew I could get away with it but something stopped me and I'm just thankful for that.

I don't think you can ever simply "throw away" all that time you've earnt struggling! But I'm happy for you man and I know how scary it is. Keep fighting ;).

I myself am definitely in a relapse now. I booked a time to the ORT program and had my meeting today. The staff seem really knowing and understanding. I might give it a shot. I will still unfortunately be addicted then but at least the social, economical and emotional punishment will be much less severe with legal buprenorphine...

Good luck everyone, you're all doing such a good job.
 
Congrats Evilpanda! These situations make us stronger. I am also afraid of relapses, I think that would end all my hope, but as times goes by I got used to getting through stressful times, I assume that's part of the package. :)
 
i go on vacation with a friend this weekend. they mean so much to me and we've been looking forward to it for months. i will not be a cranky dope sick mess during. i will not do dope when i get home today. if i do, i'll post in this thread and admit it. let's see how this works.
 
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i go on vacation with a friend this weekend. they mean so much to me and we've been looking forward to it for months. i will not be a cranky dope sick mess during. i will not do dope when i get home today. if i do, i'll post in this thread and admit it. let's see how this works.

Good luck! I'll look forward to hearing how it goes. Meanwhile, sending you my best.
 
I almost threw away my 10+ months of clean time today for some odd reason. I've never come that close to copping since I've been clean and it scares the shit out of me. I was in my truck on the way to get some dope when I talked myself out of it. I live in a recovery house and knew I could get away with it but something stopped me and I'm just thankful for that.

Glad you talked yourself out of it. When that shit happens, I usually spend some time reflecting on the time up to that point to figure out what made me decide to relapse. Sometimes it's just boredom.
 
i go on vacation with a friend this weekend. they mean so much to me and we've been looking forward to it for months. i will not be a cranky dope sick mess during. i will not do dope when i get home today. if i do, i'll post in this thread and admit it. let's see how this works.

We're rooting for you hydro! How long have you been using opioids? How long have you been struggling with using/not using them?

Try and not beat yourself up too much if you slip up. It happens to the best of us (a class of people I already know for a fact you are a member of!).

Keep your head up <3
 
Indeed! Don't put yourself down, we're all in same boat. Been there, done that! ;)
 
thanks, Sim. congrats on your six months.

appreciate the empathy, toothpastedog and Erikmen. not sure i deserve it. i'm not ditching some epic habit. i'm trying not to use right now for a specific reason. and i just walked in the door and don't know how it's going to go. well i kinda do know exactly how it's going to go. having a horrible case of wanting my cake and to eat it too.

i've been using opiates for about 14 years, toothpastedog. i don't know about the struggling question. i wouldn't call myself an opiate addict. nor would i try to argue that i'm not. it's like going to aa and talking to those people. i don't know if i'm an alcoholic. my story doesn't match theirs. my addictions look like my own.

anyway, hope everyone is doing alright. i know some of your stories but not all. hope everyone is doing alright.
 
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Fuck that negative self talk story shit hydro, there is no comparing our suffering. At one point I was banging 3 grams of heroin a day, but it was easier to come off that than it was to stop using when I was using in more moderation.

We all have our own crosses to bare, our own challenges. The fact that some people's issues are more dramatic than other's doesn't mean that they are any less difficult to overcome.

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I get the feeling you rely on opioids to help manage your mental health (that is also what drew me to them). Have you ever tried something like ketamine or other NMDAr antagonist type dissociatives? I found they were really helpful at helping me get a hold on some of my mental health issues. Entheogens and empathogens actually have been more generally speaking.

I would definitely bet you'd get a lot out of iboga as well. If you don't mind my asking hydro, why kinds of mental health challenges do you face (for some reason I remember you mentioning bipolar at one point, but I forget if it was type I or II).

Have you ever found anything other than opioids effective at managing your mental health concerns?

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A question that is asked to infrequently is whether or not the opioid use is actually a problem to begin with - most people just assume it inherently is, when this is not in any way always the case (tends to be with something as illegal and stigmatized as heroin, but that has to do with the stigma and criminal nature of heroin rather than anything inherent to it's pharmacological actions).

Do you feel like your opioid use represents a problem that you need to address? Or more that it is something you engage with to try and get more of a handle on another issue you are struggling to manage (and if so, have you identified this other issue yet)?

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You're a wonderful, beautiful, very special person hydro. FUCK ANYONE who says otherwise. I'll always have your back. Always <3
 
hi toothpastedog. i absolutely use drugs due to mental illness. i've been diagnosed with a variety of things, but for the past couple of years they say bipolar type ii and intrusive thought ocd. i recently came out of a low and can identify i'm having some mania. thinking i can manage what i obviously cannot.

opiates are not my drug of choice. second place. what i want are benzos. it's easier to not touch something that's already burned me so bad. so things like opiates and alcohol are often where i turn, both of which lead back to benzos.

i appreciate the kind words. i don't think i'm a bad person. i know i'm in large part a very selfish person.
 
Well if you put it like that, so am I (and people who know me wouldn't describe me as selfish, they'd describe me as perhaps a bit intense or devotional, but not something that has a negative attache to it).

What I mean to say is, on some level we're all very selfish people - we have to be to a degree; it is biologically a trait that we all evolved to possess to one degree or another. From what I can tell of you, you are a sensitive, kind hearted person who is highly intelligent.

I'm not trying to brown nose, I'm just trying to tell you like it is.

You have some real amazing talents hydro, I know this for certain from the time I have spent working with you on BL and what I have seen you post. You are hard working, creative, with a real intuitive flare and knack for capturing the essence of a moment.

Getting in touch more with your talents and abilities as opposed to your defects sounds just like what you need IMO. You have SOOOOOOOO much potential hydro, seriously. You always struck me as someone who was really hard on themselves, which as an artist makes sense (I speak from experience). But you're wicked smart, AND wicked talented. It is just a matter of being kind enough with yourself such that you are able to cultivate your talents and shine!

I wouldn't say you're a selfish person, at least not in the lay sense of the word. You might be unskillful in some of your habits, but that can be said of most people. It doesn't define who you are. I mean, we all have our faults, but you are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more than any "bad" or unhealthy choices you might have made in the past or might be yet to make in the future.

You are so much more than you know hydro <3
 
you're kind and i know you go through a lot. glad i've gotten to know you on here recently.

here's admitting it. i smoked dope tonight. not appropriate for me to be posting in this thread for the time being. wishing you all the best and talk to you elsewhere on bluelight for now.
 
Actually this is probably the most appropriate place to post such a thing. I mean, the goal of SL is to support individuals - anyone - making an attempt at sobriety. You are clearly still interested in sobriety, so this is the perfect place to talk about it!

Please try not to beat yourself up too much for smoking dope tonight! Being hard on yourself like that won't make it any easier to stop - actually being hard on yourself it will make it more challenging!
 
you're kind and i know you go through a lot. glad i've gotten to know you on here recently.

here's admitting it. i smoked dope tonight. not appropriate for me to be posting in this thread for the time being. wishing you all the best and talk to you elsewhere on bluelight for now.

I had the same thing happen to me in a way. You almost just kind of accept the relapse and if anything try to do more damage control instead of preventing it in the first place. I got high recently, but I made sure to do it at a good time where I wasn't going to be interacting with anyone. I don't even remember much of what happened really, but I smoked about a pack of cigs over that two day period and I normally only smoke 1-2 cigs a day.

I dont feel the urge to use anymore though, I'm actually kind of scared of ODing now tbh. If anything, I'd almost be more liable to get hooked on pain pills again due to my low tolerance but at the same time I would eventually go back to heroin.

idk, I'm just tired of that lifestyle. And that 2 day stretch of getting high didn't bring back any good memories for me.
 
Sounds like you are in a really good place with this right now subotai!

What are you doing to keep yourself focused on moving ahead in your life? Not only with your recovery, but in terms of what you want to achieve for yourself?
 
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