Yo guys what do we think about letting loved ones know when we lapse (NOT relapse fully - have slip ups.) I've had one or two but have kept it on the low because I don't want to create unnecessary anxiety for those around me. It's almost like I had to lapse to remind myself why I quit in the first place. I seemed to slip into some older way of thinking and found myself justifying using only to get "high" and say to myself "wow this sucks, I'm happy I don't do this shit anymore." Thoughts?
I have been feeling like I was gonna get high for the past week and if I actually do, not a chance I would tell anyone about it.
The thing I struggle with the most actually is kinda emo sounding but tbh, I don't know who I even am anymore.
I almost preferred the consistently gloomy feeling of being in active addiction over this unknown of sobriety.
Some days are alright, some days suck, but I don't have that guaranteed escape hatch aka heroin to fall back on.
And you'll hear that all the time "life on life's terms" and shit
Ok, well, I'm starting to think I'm not a huge fan of life's terms
And when I don't like something I usually take my ball and go home
I mean, just typing that makes me feel incredibly lame and weak but that's real shit. That's basically my addiction in a nutshell. The only thing I needed in life to be content was heroin.
Without it, there is so many more things I need to fill the void with. And I just loathe doing anything out of my comfort zone.
And then I start going on in my head about how heroin is only a problem because it is illegal. About how I could go get 2 bags right now and be good for a week. About how I live in the best and worst place in the US to be a drug addict depending on what phase of addiction you're in. About how I earned the right to relapse (that sentence alone LOL)
Jesus I'm a mess. That's what it always seems to come back to. If I'm going to be a mess anyway, why not just use drugs to stabilize that? At least then I would have an excuse for my pointless existence