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Want to get clean

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Notnemore1985

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 30, 2017
Messages
29
I want to stop my opiates. I'm really ready. I've hit no rock bottoms yet. But it's time to take my life back. I did it once before. Kicked 95mg methadone cold turkey.
How am I so stupid to wind up back here?
I thought I could chip and get away with it. But I'm not special. I'm an idiot. I'm getting a 3 day weekend. So hope to start withdrawal tomorrow and do the last 3 days over my days off. I want this so bad. I'm really done and need to stop before I destroy my life. I'll never be able to be an occasional user. I'm hoping you guys will talk me through it since I literally can tell no one in my real life. I work in the health field and one little leak and my career will end. They'd never let me near another patient. Thanks for reading. Hope to talk to you guys.
 
well if this doesn't sound familiar...

I, too, cold turkeyed my opiate addiction once before, only to start right back up. I'm in the same shoes as you are, beating myself up for being so stupid as to let it take over again and fearing the withdrawal to come. know that you aren't alone in this. good luck
 
Addiction is a sneaky bastard. Talks you right into shit slicker than satan himself could. I had beaten it I thought. Years clean. But really I had just stayed away. As soon as someone happened into my life that had basically unlimited access, well you see where that goes. All the sudden I look up and I've been using daily for nearly 2 years. Again. I hope I can do it right this time. It's going to be hard since that person in my life is still there and will be forever. Not much I can do about that. Can't just cut off a father in law ya know? And I can't tell him to cut me off because then everyone will know. It's a mess.
 
Well ultimately it's up to you. If you want to stop you can, it's not the impossible dream. And when you've taken a decisive stand on the issue it won't even matter if you have access or not. I theoretically have access to a whole range of shit through people I know, former associates etc. but none of that even matters, because of my own conscious decision-making.
 
I actually feel pretty ok. Is it possible my taper worked? It was fast. Very fast. I slept well. Took some lope today. But felt worse during the taper than I do right now. I know I can do this. I have to. My fiance is starting a new job. There will be more money and less excuses not to buy just a little something. So now is the time.
 
What happened?

Relapses do happen at first but then you can hopefully achieve to stay clean after struggling for a while. I would otherwise recommend to get into ORT but due your profession that seems to not be an option sadly.
 
U didnt fail u just hit a speed bump..u didnt become addicted overnight so dont get down on yourself it will just start the viscous circle again..you are doin fine,your trying thats what matters
 
I'll do it with you as a buddy, if you like. It would help me. I'm about to take that leap too, but I've been faltering. What do you think?
 
I am trying to taper myself off a 420mg day Oxycontin 300mg's oxycodone 120mg's. You guys going cold turkey I salute you. I cannot stand the WD's.
 
I was doing ok. Resolve was strong. Someone came over and actually threw a little baggy of oxy in my lap as a gift. He went on vacation and brought them back as a damn gift. And I'm still taking them. Have 4 and a half 40s left now. I want them to be MY LAST EVER.

Electra, I think that is a GREAT idea. We can hold each other accountable. I wish I could do a taper. But my self control sucks so much. I wish I could open up to my fiance and have him give them to me on a regimen. But I can't tell him I have a problem. It would be the end of us.
 
Did I read this correctly? Is your father-in-law your supplier? If your father-in-law has one shred of humanity he will help you with this by not providing any more even if you ask. Have you told him your desire to quit? Is your fiance aware of his own father's addiction? It's dangerous to try to keep this big a secret from your fiance. Marriages always come down to one thing: trust. You are probably doing what most addicts do and heaping tons of shame on yourself and then assuming your fiance will feel the same. This may or may not be true but one thing for sure is that you need to find a way to understand addiction rather than judge yourself harshly for it. Low self-esteem and shame are strong triggers for relapse.
 
Notnemore1985, you really need to tell him, I think you would be delightedly surprised on his reaction and support. I know if my fiancé came to me and told me this I wouldn't just give up. Just take him to the bedroom and tell him you have a serious issue you need to talk about and I'd bet 10 to 1 you will see nothing but concern in his eyes. Like herbivore mentioned "trust" is very important. GL
 
herbavore said:
did i read this correctly? Is your father-in-law your supplier? If your father-in-law has one shred of humanity he will help you with this by not providing any more even if you ask. Have you told him your desire to quit? Is your fiance aware of his own father's addiction? It's dangerous to try to keep this big a secret from your fiance. Marriages always come down to one thing: Trust. You are probably doing what most addicts do and heaping tons of shame on yourself and then assuming your fiance will feel the same. This may or may not be true but one thing for sure is that you need to find a way to understand addiction rather than judge yourself harshly for it. Low self-esteem and shame are strong triggers for relapse.
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"like"
 
Notnemore1985 said:
TLDR; I suck and can't be honest or have any real friends that I'm not using or vice versa.
Click to expand...

Regarding herby's post above, I'd say she was spot on about her observation about how hard you might have become, conditioned to heap shame on yourself like this (which is, by the way, entirely normal for those living with the stigma surrounding substance use in an culture that is so oppressive when it comes to users, especially those involved in the "crime" of supporting their own habit by supplying those of other users). The more you can do to try and be kinder and gentler with yourself, but more you will see yourself for who you really are: a beautiful, intelligent, dignified individual who deserves nothing but love - and not a grain of shame or self hatred.

It sounds like you find yourself in a very difficult situation in terms of getting a foundation in your recovery. Have you ever tried or thought of something like ORT? It would at least help you get a handle on managing your use given the rather difficult circumstances you're working with (with your fiancé's father and your income and all). It will also do more to help you stay away from other opioids and alleviate your cravings than you might imagine.

And if you piss the soon to be father in law off, fuck him. You have yourself, your future and your health to worry about. You have a future relationship to worry about. You have way more than enough to fucking worry about, in other words. You've been through enough already, you don't need that kind of, what essentially boils down to a kind of, exploitation. Particularly by a family member.

It sounds a lot like you'd really benefit from methadone. It was a big commitment, but it was the only thing that was able to keep me away from illicit opioid use and eventually allow me to transition to a place where even the methadone itself was unnecessary. The medication gets a bad rap, but that's only because you end up hearing the bullshit about it in groups like NA that are very backward in their view of ORT, and from the people who didn't do so well on it.

You rarely hear from people such as myself who found it extremely beneficial when used as part of a more comprehensive strategy at improve the quality of my life. By our nature we tend to have moved on from the kind of perspective and lifestyle focused primarily on drug use, where as those who did not have positive experiences with it generally are either still using or, well, still caught up in struggling not using.
 
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I'm not interested in methadone. I actually was on it for a year and half many years ago. It was an amazing tool for me. Got me out of the life and away from certain people. I decided I didn't want to be addicted to anything and just went cold turkey off of 95mg. It was a terrible solid month of acute withdrawal but I did it and stayed completely sober for years.
There are two reasons I can't take it now, one being my usage is not on par with the tolerance you need to handle methadone. 15-20 mg of oxy is all I need to have me sky high. And just 10 can keep me from being sick.
The second reason is I am a nursing student and nursing assistant at a hospital. Methadone in my system would end my career. For me it's got to be clean or nothing.
 
15-20mg a day habit? that's nothing to kick. you can easily do that. the mental aspect will always be the hardest. but if you got yourself down to that, you could easily jump that and be fine in a few days. i could only wish for a habit that small to quit. im on 200mg a day and just started suboxone almost a week ago and am tapering with that. done it a few times sucessfully before. highly recommend. but i wouldn't recommend that for you. jump kiddo!! you got this! and were all here for you.
 
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