I appreciate it brother... Nothing really I can do though. I'm in a situation where misrepresented mental health issues as the common olden days issue's ignoring my original diagnosis of what was merged with the autism spectrum or something more like aspergers... My self harm attempts have always been misrepresented as selfish sociopathic manipulation when at the time of these incidents the only thoughts I ever had was to make things easier for everyone, which I'm sure many understand those feelings yet not all.
Social interaction at this point is beyond risky for me. It takes me so much just to get myself up and in life yet death lingers behind me no matter how much effort I make to hide my baggage others always notice and I always run into the same self centered thought that because i talk about people I've had experiences with being a detrimental experience they assume I'm talking about them or a step further manipulating and attacking my character to make me look a crazed conspiracy theorist essentially because my opinions differs as far as what's acceptable side effects and what are not. Such as suicidal ideation.. So when I either explain why I suggest nothing because I know my suggestions are not even going to be entertained so asking me what to do is pointless unless they wanted to rub in my face what they wouldn't do rather than think of what they would as they insult me, throw things around the office, and I may be a Jewish, but the first of the ten commandments is not to use the lords name in vain, and respecting others religion it's fucking out of line for a doctor to end the session walking out screaming Jesus Christ then pressuring me to stop crying and just leave. I can't kill myself, I can't live like this, I want to die as things just keep going downhill and more and more I am the monster I'm being made into, but I have to live and when I end up losing my mind I don't know what will happen next time. Hopefully that doesn't come soon and I can find a real doctor and not just a person who works as a doctor and expects the patient to have all the answers and make suggestions without a care to the results just as long as they offered something after asking what would work and shooting it down as if I asked when I was explaining why I won't explain what and before I could say because he interrupted me and said it before I could (the rubbing it in my face thing) acting like I only accepted what he said and never doubted the possibility of the plan that again I was explaining why I knew it wouldn't happen.
I wouldn't be surprised if I got mugged and a broken leg by baseball bat that upon entering ER I'd be accused of plotting to get scripted opiates.... That's how bad it has gotten and if there's a solution to that please share, but I'm getting royally fucked and can't even think straight anymore. I'd go check in somewhere if there was somewhere that wouldn't just let me can into chronic pain then the withdrawals on top that triggers the pain to extremes it should never reach and tell me I'm whining and that I need to just shut up, lay down, and just ignore it where it's to the point I'm not breathing right, spams to the point I'm thrashing in bed and not just rls, and fear I'll start screaming in pain and want to not affect the others in there breaking out screaming only to be treated like I'm threatening and not seriously struggling to not scream in pain to the point I'd be considering hitting my head on the wall.... Call it positive punishment where if I feel pain when I want to scream in pain.... Makes total sense right? To a neglected ASD person that becomes socially functional yet self isolated, physically neglected and broken, and mentally/emotionally restrained to the point of neurotic tendencies. I know my issues all to well, which makes it worse when I see it mislabeled in a completely opposing nature to the reality of the situation. Shit I could go on and on, but I don't care to derail. I'm trying to be OK, but obviously I'm not really