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I'm Really Scared--this is It

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elstongunn39

Bluelighter
Joined
May 30, 2014
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174
I have had terrible insomnia ever since my Lyme infection this summer. It gets worse (gets in intense feedback loops) with stress and school. Working on my thesis. I feel like I am destroying my body. Have pulled all nighters and not gotten anything done, just stayed up because I couldn't sleep--numerous nights. It hasn't bumped up my blood pressure a ton yet, but I know it will. I don't want to live like this and I don't want to die young... I would rather commit suicide than become a stressed unhealthy middle aged person I am 22 I used to be young and healthy and my mind was strong I want to die if I can't turn this around i feel like i'm experiencing all the negative effects of being a meth user with none of the actual positives or energy or pleasure of it... i just get stressed and stay up all night all the time won't this ruin me? i'd rather die i want to be healthy but iid rather die than be a pathetic piece of adrenaline soaked meat
I don't have the guts/means to now. but my next paycheck is going toward a gun or to some fentanyl/phenobarbital/cyanide off the darknet
 
See if you can approach your university for some free or at least low-cost counseling. It sounds like stress and anxiety are the culprit so learning some techniques like mindfulness or CBT would be really, really helpful for you. Take a step back from your thoughts and observe them (after all, you manufacture them so you are in control even if you can't see that right now). I'm a really anxious person by nature and it's been a long road to undoing all the mental bad habits that keep that going. But mostly that was because I grew up in a time when there was no understanding (at least in the West) of neuroplasticity. At 22 you are still very young and in fact your brain is still developing. Thinking is an exploration, over-thinking is a tortuous trap and usually the only exit a person can find is that kind of fatalistic thinking you are now finding yourself doing (the only way out is death). You do not have to take this path. There are literally an infinite number of ways that your life can proceed. Perhaps you will need to take only one or two steps to the side of your life as you are currently living it, or perhaps you will need to go 180 degrees and question everything you are doing--that is your exploration to take and yours alone; but it can be a lot easier with a counselor or therapist that can help you shift from the fatalistic perceptions to more fluid ways of thinking. Your goal is a healthy relationship with your own mind. In my experience, this is a lifelong endeavor. Once I learned to enjoy the drive rather than continually projecting my anxiety ahead of me to the mythical destination, it got a lot easier. Are you happy with your field of study?
 
I've experienced cyanide poisoning before and thankfully didn't suffer brain damage, but I needed therapy for PTSD afterward. It's a horrible way to go, not at all like they depict in the movies.

Insomnia can be complicated but most cases can be helped. The fact that you've done meth in the past is irrelevant. You can get better.
 
Foreigner said:
I've experienced cyanide poisoning before and thankfully didn't suffer brain damage, but I needed therapy for PTSD afterward. It's a horrible way to go, not at all like they depict in the movies.

Insomnia can be complicated but most cases can be helped. The fact that you've done meth in the past is irrelevant. You can get better.
Click to expand...

how on earth did you get cyanide poisoning?

and OP you're still young, try to see if uni has free counselling.
 
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