• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery Oxymorphone hell...slowly reclaiming my life

Poke, you're doing freaking great! Some of the reliefs of early recovery will start kicking in now. Those first couple weeks are these toughest, physically.

Like sim said, I too find that interacting with family to be very difficult right now. I'm not sure why... It may be because one thing myself and my family all have in common is drugs.. my mom is one of those " if it's prescribed you're not a drug addict" as she pops 4mg clonazepam a day and many oxys.

But I really enjoy seeing my sister and my dad.. my sister is sober and always has been. And it's nice to see people truly happy sober. I guess I just answered my own question..... It's hard to be around other addicts while early in recovery.

Sorry to dump my shit in your thread..... Thinking of you lots. And I'm way proud of you! Few stick around here....I hope you remain one of em ?
 
Thanks for the posts, my friends, they lift me up every day, knowing we are in this together... I don't care if the content is positive or negative.. this shit is hard to do.

This is not my grown children's first rodeo with addiction issues for mom. It seems when I have a major life event, this is in retrospect, if there is too much going on, I default to drugs or alcohol.
It was a great visit! My daughter trusted me enough to babysit the infant while she took the toddler on some errands...that was so heartwarming. The little one is an angel... If she is being held, unless she is hungry, she does not cry. She is so content.
I went to the PCP yesterday, and found out I have a mild illness, and so hopefully it will clear up soon. It explains while I feel rundown in the evenings.

Anyway, I guess today is day 18, and I am still committed to this process.
 
Slaaaaaaap!! That was a jumping high five. Day 18/19 is awesome! Must have been great to watch you're grand baby ?
 
POke, so glad the family visit was good. When family is good, it can be really great!

And check out how those days are starting to add up. To Sixx's jumping high five, I'll offer:


Code:
     . SLAP .
   .           .
   .           .
     . SLAP .


my best ASCII top-gun high five :)
 
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Sounds like you are gaining valuable insight into your relationship with substance use P0ke, making this process well worth it indeed. Get well soon!
 
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Thanks for the high fives and thanks for your kind words, TPD. Today is day 19... TBH, I am still struggling with some physical symptoms, as well as the flatness, insomnia, and depression/anxiety. I have a raging headache today, and if I take OTC pain relievers it makes my mood worse. Also, I continue to be plagued with this oh so annoying post nasal drip. My doctor has me using Flonase. On day 3 of it, and still have that annoying cough and tickle in the back of my throat. it is wearing me down.

Not in the sense that I want to use... I do not, at all. I have no cravings. I just want to have this dry coughing stop and get rid of this headache.

I went for two shorter walks earlier this morning, instead of one longer one, as my knee is really sore. Whine, whine, whine... sorry, but this is where I am at.

Now that I know to take this whole process "one day at a time", I am hopeful tomorrow may be a better day.
 
I have 3 weeks clean and sober today. It has given me a great boost, emotionally.
 
You are doing soawesome!! Though that comes as no surprise to me. I knew this time would come for you. Sooo happy fir you <3 :)
 
3 weeks clean is tremendous!! Kudos P0kemama!! For the dry cough, try a bit of yellow mustard (like the ones that come in packets) or drink some dill pickle juice, old home remedies that work for me when I can't stop coughing due to tickle in throat. I knew at one time WHY it works, but don't recall ATM. So VERY proud of you! Grateful and thankful that you are still posting. It's positive hope for those of us needing or required to get off opes. I smiled the moment I read you were 3 wks clean!! :)
 
Hi TLD!! How are you doing these days?? You are such a blessing in my life, I hope you know that! You are jersey strong!

I have 25 days clean today, and had some struggles with sleep, as well as other lingering, w/d symptoms, but managed to get a great sleep last night. I caved and took a long hot bath, which I usually hate, as I am a shower girl. I also took 3/8 of 1 mg ativan. I am so terrified of getting another addiction, but I had to sleep... I was too negatively impacted by ongoing insomnia. I feel it was well worth it.

You take care... and have a wonderful day!!
 
Hi Sista!! 25 days is awesome! im doing ok 4 months clean now for me. Dont feel bad about taking benzos i dont think most of us would have made through wds and paws without them.
I was worried about trading one addiction for another also so i only did benzos 3 or 4 nights a week, ive gone a week or more without any benzos and had no wds. Insomnia to me is the worse
part of wds and paws lack of energy sucks too.

Have a great day!! thanks for the kind words!!!!!!!!
 
POke! I'm so pleased to hear about your progress. And if caving involves a hot bath, well, then, awesome!

I don't want to be flip, but so long as you continue to use the benzos cautiously, I think you can safely consider them a viable tool in your kit.

<3
Sim
 
Thanks, TLD and Sim, for weighing in on the ativan. I am going to try and use it only when absolutely sleep deprived or I have an important day to wake up to. I think my body is addicted to them, b/c I took about .5 of 1 mg ativan, most nights while using opiates, as they slightly enhanced the opiate effects, until my PM doctor told me to quit them as the DEA had issued a strong warning that doctors are not to prescribe or allow their pain patients to take both a benzo and an opioid. I was able to quit, last September, without much problem. However, after taking it last night... wow... it worked so great. I also know that if I take it everynight, I will build tolerance quickly. I only have two bottles of 30 left, so I will have about 6=8 months worth if I take such small amounts, and not every night.
It is so encouraging to hear, TLD, that you went a whole week without your Xanax, and had no withdrawals from it... certainly gives me hope!!
 
POke! I'm so pleased to hear about your progress. And if caving involves a hot bath, well, then, awesome!

I don't want to be flip, but so long as you continue to use the benzos cautiously, I think you can safely consider them a viable tool in your kit.

<3
Sim

This is a very good post.

Thanks, TLD and Sim, for weighing in on the ativan. I am going to try and use it only when absolutely sleep deprived or I have an important day to wake up to. I think my body is addicted to them, b/c I took about .5 of 1 mg ativan, most nights while using opiates, as they slightly enhanced the opiate effects, until my PM doctor told me to quit them as the DEA had issued a strong warning that doctors are not to prescribe or allow their pain patients to take both a benzo and an opioid. I was able to quit, last September, without much problem. However, after taking it last night... wow... it worked so great. I also know that if I take it everynight, I will build tolerance quickly. I only have two bottles of 30 left, so I will have about 6=8 months worth if I take such small amounts, and not every night.
It is so encouraging to hear, TLD, that you went a whole week without your Xanax, and had no withdrawals from it... certainly gives me hope!!

I'm really glad to hear you are doing well P0ke! Remember that a little lorazepam goes a long way. Perhaps next time you need to take it (unless the shit has really hit the fan) try taking 0.25mg. I know it sounds like nothing, but with some melatonin, a hot bath and some herbal tea or cocoa or something to put you in the mood, I have a feeling it would still make a difference.

Sooner or later I bet you'll find you don't even need to take the lorazepam and are able to simple rely upon your new healthy habits to see you through (no rush though!).
 
Thanks, TPD... I take what you say to heart, as I think I read that you have gone off benzos without a slow taper? Am I mistaken? If you think I can eventually move on, that would be great! Yes... my new good habits are still a big part of my day to day life. I totally understand you are not a fan of 12 step meetings, and I respect that about you... trust me, I struggle more with the personailities and egos... man, addicts are so sick, in some cases, but right now, meetings give me comfort. I just sit there, and probably miss half of what people are saying, but it gets me out of the house in the evening, when my anxiety tries to ramp up, and having contact with other humans is very helpful.

I continue to rely on breathing techniques to slow my racing thoughts, etc; use my positive visualization and affirmation CD;s, and man has my diet improved! I was eating fast food toward's the end of my using days regularly... not only have I lost the weight we do when sick in acute, acute withdrawals, due to walking and eating fresh veggies and lean chicken, I have lost another 5 pounds, which I really needed to lose! I have hours some day that I feel better than I have in years... and I cherish those hours very much.
I know the longer I stay clean, and use healthy behaviors, I will feel better as I move farther away from using.
 
Thanks, TPD... I take what you say to heart, as I think I read that you have gone off benzos without a slow taper? Am I mistaken? If you think I can eventually move on, that would be great! Yes... my new good habits are still a big part of my day to day life. I totally understand you are not a fan of 12 step meetings, and I respect that about you... trust me, I struggle more with the personailities and egos... man, addicts are so sick, in some cases, but right now, meetings give me comfort. I just sit there, and probably miss half of what people are saying, but it gets me out of the house in the evening, when my anxiety tries to ramp up, and having contact with other humans is very helpful.

I continue to rely on breathing techniques to slow my racing thoughts, etc; use my positive visualization and affirmation CD;s, and man has my diet improved! I was eating fast food toward's the end of my using days regularly... not only have I lost the weight we do when sick in acute, acute withdrawals, due to walking and eating fresh veggies and lean chicken, I have lost another 5 pounds, which I really needed to lose! I have hours some day that I feel better than I have in years... and I cherish those hours very much.
I know the longer I stay clean, and use healthy behaviors, I will feel better as I move farther away from using.

You're doing so freaking great, POke! It's fantastic that you're willing to push your boundaries (in this case by going to meetings) in order to do something that you find therapeutic. Sounds like you're taking great care of yourself...how much more could any of us really hope for?

Keep it up!
 
Thanks, TPD... I take what you say to heart, as I think I read that you have gone off benzos without a slow taper? Am I mistaken? If you think I can eventually move on, that would be great! Yes... my new good habits are still a big part of my day to day life. I totally understand you are not a fan of 12 step meetings, and I respect that about you... trust me, I struggle more with the personailities and egos... man, addicts are so sick, in some cases, but right now, meetings give me comfort. I just sit there, and probably miss half of what people are saying, but it gets me out of the house in the evening, when my anxiety tries to ramp up, and having contact with other humans is very helpful.

I continue to rely on breathing techniques to slow my racing thoughts, etc; use my positive visualization and affirmation CD;s, and man has my diet improved! I was eating fast food toward's the end of my using days regularly... not only have I lost the weight we do when sick in acute, acute withdrawals, due to walking and eating fresh veggies and lean chicken, I have lost another 5 pounds, which I really needed to lose! I have hours some day that I feel better than I have in years... and I cherish those hours very much.
I know the longer I stay clean, and use healthy behaviors, I will feel better as I move farther away from using.

If you keep up the good work and continue challenging yourself in small, meaningful ways to establish healthy habits in all the different areas of your life, which you will be able to rely on when the going gets tough to help regulate your mood, I have no doubt you can accomplish anything you set your mind to when it comes to your lifestyle. If that means eventually getting to a place where you don't "need" to rely on benzodiazepines to manage anxiety and stress, that is what it means. Shit, if I can deal with my anxieties without having to rely on benzos, I have a hard time really believe that there are many people out there who "need" to take them forever. But that is another discussion for another time.

You know that story, the which wolf do you feed story? It's like that with managing anxiety and benzos. The more you rely on using benzos to manage your anxiety, the "better" you will get at relying on benzos to manage it. The more effort and resources you put into learning new ways of handling stress and use other tools, the more skillful you will become at relying upon those. There is nothing wrong with using benzos if they aren't negatively impacting your life though, so for now perhaps it would be best to focus on using them in ways that don't create more harm than help. You're doing fantastic P0ke, I've really enjoyed seeing you come all this way :) <3

You're doing so freaking great, POke! It's fantastic that you're willing to push your boundaries (in this case by going to meetings) in order to do something that you find therapeutic. Sounds like you're taking great care of yourself...how much more could any of us really hope for?

Keep it up!

This is precisely why I go to Refuge meetings. TBH one day I'd like to get to a point where I am have cultivated my equanimity practice and can deal with sitting through 12 step meetings without wanting to rip the speaker's head off or something - well, at least to the point where even if I do have those kinds of feelings I'm able to hold them in a way that allows me to still get what the good they have to offer too. I have no doubt one day I will get to this point. Given how much I struggle with Refuge meetings sometimes, I figure they are enough of a challenge for me ATM though.
 
Hi TPD: I rely on ativan to relax me enough to fall asleep. I did cut down to .25mg of ativan, divided into 2 1/8mg doses. I was sure that last night I could fall asleep without any, as I had done my longest walk to date in the morning, and then mowed the lawn in the afternoon, as well as some chores around the house. I logged over 10,000 steps on my Fitbit for the first time ever!

So, I took a bath, went to bed at 11:14pm, and after not falling asleep in the first 15 minutes, began to get anxiety over not sleeping, and the back in forth in my head to take an 1/8 of ativan, etc. So I took it at 12:19am, then drank some Sleepytime tea, listened to my guided visualization CD, and took the other 1/8. I went to bed around 2:30am, and woke up around 7am.

So, I don't know if the ativan really relaxes me, or if it the placebo affect and I think it does. IDK...but I think I am going to start my night off by going to bed without it, in case I am able to fall asleep... which would be great!!
 
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