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March 2017 Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. something new is happening!!!

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Yeah Subtotai, there is a LOT of psychological rearrangement that goes into staying sober.

Like Erikmen was saying, your moods and feelings are going to shift and change often, so finding something that appeals to you,
that speaks to you in some way, is a great way to smooth out those bad feelings. Talking to someone helps too - and here you are
posting about it, which is great.

Getting off drugs is technically the easy part. But what happens when you're physically detoxed but still WANT to use?
The psychological aspect of this is incredibly important. None of us will ever last in sobriety if we don't actually want to be sober.
I've struggled with that. And even though we are all unique, irreplaceable individuals, there are certain things that are common
across the board for us - like temporary chemical imbalances, suppressed emotion coming back up, a lack of coping skills, etc..

I've been writing a guide on how to fix some of the more important components of ourselves, as a way to ease the psychological
load of getting sober, so that actually staying sober is easier to reach and to manage. I've gotten about half of it typed up and posted
in this forum: http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/817897-How-To-Repair-Your-Body-Mind-Soul-A-Guide
Check it out, and maybe give the meditation part a try... It helps me daily, and can do the same for anyone.

yeah that is all true.

my problem is, I just take for granted that I will be able to just get sober again if I go back to using. I'll just use heroin for, idk, couple weeks? Then realize the error of my ways and stop again.

When in reality I'll just get high and never look back. And you always hear about the people who were clean for however long, went back to shooting up, and bam, they're dead within a matter of days of relapsing.

my real problem is idk what the fuck I want to do with my life. I don't form relationships with people, and I don't know why that doesn't bother me. Don't get me wrong, I'm cool with everyone, but I just always feel like an outsider.

even at NA, a lot of people that go to NA meetings are douchebags.

and you always hear people say "don't worry about what other people think and just associate with people that will truly appreciate you for who you are" and it's just like, yeah, I can do that no problem. I do that TOO well tbh. I see all of the negatives in people and wind up just distancing myself and then I look around and it's like shit, I'm the only one here

so naturally, at that point, I use drugs. Because it takes me out of that reality.

But why though... why am I such a pessimistic fuck? I'm actually pretty positive on the outside come to think of it. Like interacting with other people, I'm always positive.

but inside, and on the internet, I'm just like "fuck this shit. Here's a list of reasons why I hate you and everything about you"

idk, talking about all this feels good though.
 
And I hate when people say that shit

"don't care about what other people think bro!"

"just do you man!"

fuck that. "Me doing me" is basically me getting high on drugs

I absolutely care what other people think about me. The only reason I'm not still using is because I was just alternating between being sick all the time and high all the time and couldn't even be relied on for anything

It wasn't like "hey, let me get sober because I deserve better"

it was like "hey, all of these people that want to see me do better are running out of patience". That and jail, jail was pretty lame. Although it's really not as bad as people make it out to be. You basically play cards, read books, eat shitty food, play chess, and talk about drugs and sports all day. That's what I did in jail and it's like fuck, I did all that stuff anyway! It's really not that terrible but at the same time would I be willing to go back as a result of using drugs?

Idk that answer changes day to day to be honest. Again, I'd be lucky with that outcome though. I'd probably just wind up dead

I still don't really have much vested interest in my own life. Not that I'm suicidal or anything, just indifferent. If I did OD though my family would be pretty sad and that would make me sad but it's not like I'd be sad for myself though.

Idk I'm a very cynical person but it hasn't really steered me overly wrong tbh. The world is out to get me, one way or another.

like Terrence Howard said in Get Rich or Die Trying

"when I'm right I'm right and when I'm wrong I still could have been right. So even when I'm wrong I'm right"

or something like that. I haven't seen that movie in a while
 
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I get it man. And I'm usually pretty turned off by cliche phrases like the ones you just mentioned.

I've had to do things differently than ever before, for that very reason.

I have found most people in recovery to be douchey, slutty, unstable, back-stabbing, etc....
I've found a lot of people with fucking issues, and that isn't what's good for me.

So I've stayed away from all that. I go to maybe 2 meetings per week, and I live away from city now.

I guess my point is, what has worked for me was being able to roll with my own punches. Do I hate the community
I'm a part of? Yeah, pretty much. So get away from it. Does hanging out with these people or in this area make me
want to use? Yeah. So I stay away. I did all this rather blindly, with no foresight or real planning, on purpose, becuase
I knew that if I was aware that adapting and modifying my physical life to suit my needs meant living in the mountains
near a lake, away from society and all the action, I probably wouldve steered clear of that idea.
Fuck the people. Fuck me, and Fuck you too. From a pessimistic perspective, fuck everything - but even THAT is able to
be adapted and turned into a healthy lifestyle.

I'm telling you I was just like that. I stopped suddenly and was like I cannot stand these fucking creatures, I hate my job,
my g/f is bipolar and makes me crazy etc etc etc. instead of rolling with it, I went straight back to dope.
This time I rolled with it. I bet you can too. You sound just like me, 2 years ago.

You mentioned you don't know what to do with yourself. That's a problem - because we all need purpose.
how do you feel about spirituality?
 
Sorry for the triple post but I hate people who are overly open about being "in recovery". I hate that term in general, "recovery" that is.

idk it implies that there is an end goal or something that is obtainable

so im in recovery... but once an addict always an addict?

so what exactly is the end game here? Or is this just an unintentional tolerance break?

id rather just never speak about it in public. Once people know you were a drug addict they look at you differently. They don't trust you absolutely anymore.

and I dont need that daily audit from some random fuck
 
I am pretty spiritual actually.

im a pretty narcissistic person to be honest. I always assume that other people don't have the same interests as me or talk about stuff I talk about or work as hard as me or are as funny as me or as accepting as me or as helpful as me and it's all bullshit

im really not that cool. If I was that cool I wouldn't need to use drugs

but about spirituality, yeah I believe that humans reincarnate and this is just one of my lives and im supposed to learn something while I am here. And I feel like I have lived a lot of lives before. Someone once told me I have the aura of 65 year old man.

whatever that means, I might have just taken too many drugs
 
That's the thing dude, I'm fucking good at anything I actually try at. I'm really not trying to sound like a douche but I'm being dead serious.

I just dont want to do anything
 
I get the chance to be in a video Tuesday about recovery. it's a pretty big deal for me because out of like 250 people, they chose me to do the video with the program director. not trying to boost my ego or any of that shit, i'm just glad that someone finally caught on listening to my stories and how it has helped people in and outside the rooms.

i will be 7 months sober on the 22nd, and will turn 29 on the 21st.

got the chance to attend an Alanon meeting today, and felt like a cold piece of shit after the meeting, felt some type of way during the meeting because it was an open-speaker meeting, and got to hear a lady tell her story about her alcoholic son, and the shit he put his mom through. wow

so grateful to be alive and sober while typing this today, and not fucking dead because of a $20 bag of heroin.

I stay in the solution today, and not the problem.
 
How are you attending to yourself with the feelings that meeting brought up? Sounds like you're doing some good old fashion gratitude practice in response to those feelings of guilt/shame that were activated by the share (which I also know all too well).

Gratitude, forgiveness and patience practices are awesome in terms of an antidote to the kind difficult feelings - the self hatred, anger, and shame - that often come up in this game of life.

Nice! If it is cool with you and you are able to, I'm sure you would have a very receptive audience in SL. It would certainly be awesome to a reputable BLer in action like that :)
 
Feelings blah. There is this abstinence oriented Refuge meeting I occasionally go to these days, used to go more regularly, and it always seems to fuck with my head when I go there now. I mean, I'm glad I do, but it's frustrating sometimes. I have a hard time with that medium of recovery (the whole meeting concept, like 12 step stuff). It's hard to put my finger on what I have a hard time with about it, but I think it has to do with the non-professional nature of it. It's good to get out of my comfort zone though, that's what I keep telling myself.
 
I haven't been to a meeting in a while but mainly because all I want to do when I get done work is smoke weed and I don't want to go to a meeting stoned because it would be weird

so I haven't made much effort to get to one. Idk, the more I think about it, I don't know if I ever really liked meetings or if I just liked going to them while in rehab, which I only liked because it was better than being in jail.

its easy to go to meetings and push them all the time when you don't do anything all day. Which is what cracks me up about certain recovery houses. They don't do shit to put you back to being productive. They just want a certain amount of money a week and people have their families pay and basically just have a drug-free vacation for however long they deem necessary

and go to meetings with a bunch of other people doing the same thing, talking about bullshit, and mainly being there to just eye fuck women and check out what shoes people are wearing

im liable to go for a cup of coffee, grab a pretzel or cookies, and dip out before the serenity prayer

then again, you do hear some good stuff in meetings too. Idk, I'm just tired of the first description though.
 
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LOL so much of that is the truth, well, all of it really. It is good for socializing me to the bullshit of the "real world" though, putting up with all the crap just to get to the good share at the end. Then again, I guess this is why I only go to meetings like that one so often. I thankfully have discovered some other outlets when it comes to "therapeutic" type support groups IRL. Gotta be true to one's own self!
 
Coffee and cookies at home is good too though. =D

Wish I had any of the above at the moment.
 
Day 1 for me again, so sick of starting over but very glad I got out before I lost everything. Going through alot of shit in life, but I realize the only way things will get better for me is to stay clean sober, that I cant use substances to deal with everything. Very difficult time right now, I'm just trying to make it through work and get home. I wish everyone the best on their journeys.
 
Coffee and cookies at home is good too though. =D

Wish I had any of the above at the moment.

And some meetings have so, so much more than just bad coffee; both materially and allegorically speaking this is also true ;)
 
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I rarely order coffee out because I get the best coffee for at home.

I will have to make a large mug tomorrow. %)
 
Day 1 for me again, so sick of starting over but very glad I got out before I lost everything. Going through alot of shit in life, but I realize the only way things will get better for me is to stay clean sober, that I cant use substances to deal with everything. Very difficult time right now, I'm just trying to make it through work and get home. I wish everyone the best on their journeys.

Being out of the game before rock bottom is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
It's going to be tough but you know that.
Wish you luck, perseverance and patience! :)
 
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