Killing the rest of my Depression

[falsifiedhypothesi]

So I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. I've posted on here before about it but that was long ago and those feeling are from the past. Talking about my current state of depression is more difficult, I no longer feel the crushing despair, debilitating anxiety, and inescapable suicidal thoughts but I'm still not sure it's over.

I have lost a large portion of my motivation for any activity but that has been in decline for a while now. I am trying to advance in my career as a technician at a popular American Car dealership but my passion has dried up. I'm trying my best to self learn chemistry which I have had an interest in for a year or so but that seems like it's going no where. I feel doomed to mediocrity with no strong direction.

What I'm getting at is the prominent symptoms of depression are all missing but I persist in this melancholic state, more so than ever. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it. Thank you for all replies and entertaining me on my soapbox. I don't like getting on it often but it's been awhile and I could use some honest advice

 

[Mysterie]

it seems like you are overly concerned about your future and comparing yourself to other peoples careers or what they have achieved. all you can do is embrace this moment fully, be interested in your experience and explore new possibilities.
be thankful for what you have and where you are at, the fact you are typing this on a computer means you are already have access to more opportunities than most people on the planet. if you have enough money to eat your next meal, its worth giving thanks. noticing the positive things and being thankful for it helps to put things in perspective for me. its so easy to just notice all the negative things or what we don't have etc.
you can empower yourself to live the life you want to lead, let go of the attachment to the stories your mind tells itself of being unmotivated, doomed, mediocre, melancholic. they are just stories, its not who you are. examine those beliefs, what would it be like if you lived life and didn't believe those things?

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

It's not like I'm constantly examining myself, I use to ruminate like that but have stopped. I enjoy the moment now but everytime I step back to see the big picture it dissapoints me and it's not what I want for myself.

I am thankful for what I have but am I selfish for wanting more? It's not exactly me comparing myself to other people more like comparing myself to the version of me I want to be

 

[Mysterie]

what are the features of the person you want to be?

as devils advocate my thought is the key to happiness is accepting all of the parts of yourself as you are rite now.

 

[qsbl]

So I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. I've posted on here before about it but that was long ago and those feeling are from the past. Talking about my current state of depression is more difficult, I no longer feel the crushing despair, debilitating anxiety, and inescapable suicidal thoughts but I'm still not sure it's over.

I have lost a large portion of my motivation for any activity but that has been in decline for a while now. I am trying to advance in my career as a technician at a popular American Car dealership but my passion has dried up. I'm trying my best to self learn chemistry which I have had an interest in for a year or so but that seems like it's going no where. I feel doomed to mediocrity with no strong direction.

What I'm getting at is the prominent symptoms of depression are all missing but I persist in this melancholic state, more so than ever. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it. Thank you for all replies and entertaining me on my soapbox. I don't like getting on it often but it's been awhile and I could use some honest advice

I have suffered from depression, now I am not saying I had it harder than you etc. However I didnt took the medicines from the doctors as I thought it will make you a vegetable. Instead I took to the internet. Google Tony Robbins who's a great life coach. YouTube his video called depression he has a quite a few. This really helped me, i'd love to hear your thoughts on him

 

[herbavore]

It's not like I'm constantly examining myself, I use to ruminate like that but have stopped. I enjoy the moment now but everytime I step back to see the big picture it dissapoints me and it's not what I want for myself.

I am thankful for what I have but am I selfish for wanting more? It's not exactly me comparing myself to other people more like comparing myself to the version of me I want to be

I don't think it is selfish to want more or especially to want to accomplish more, but it is important to encourage rather than discourage oneself when making judgments. I think this is what mysterie is alluding to: a removal of judgment, or at least a very nuanced change. There is a world of difference between recognizing a personal lack or flaw and berating oneself mentally for having it. I found it useful, as a less than motivated person by nature, to reframe the way I try to motivate myself to change. I try to encourage myself to see how good I know it feels to work towards accomplishing a goal rather than fixating and berating myself for not having met it yet("by now I should have___").

And one last thought: it used to be not only OK, but desirable, to have an ordinary, peaceable little life. Now every kid is taught that success means shining, standing out, not being mediocre. Since that is statistically impossible it is a ridiculous burden on developing egos. As a teacher for over 30 years I definitely saw the cultural change in action not to mention the devastating effects it is having on our kids mental well-being. I know you are not a kid but if you live in America, this has been soaking your unconscious for years. Call it the media culture, call it driven parents, call it existential despair but whatever contributes to this I wish we could flip the switch back. After all, you have a good job, time to explore your own interests (chemistry) so whether or not you climb a ladder at work or devote more hours to your personal interests, it seems the real stumbling block is maybe too much focus on the ends (usually mythical) rather than the process (most people call it a journey but I'm so sick of that word I couldn't bring myself to write it.)

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

Thanks herba. I guess I'm kind of a kid (22) and I have always felt the pressure to be an overachiever. When I was younger the thing I was most scared of was my best effort not being good enough, I stifled myself because I was scared to fail or be just "ordinary."

I was told that in these times you need a college education to really be able to succeed and I've always beat myself up over stopping college. Now that I'm older I'm regretting all the time and education I wasted, even though I know I still have plenty of time to succeed.

 

[herbavore]

Well, yes, from my vantage point of 63, you are practically a kid to me!

My mom went back to college at 38 (with three kids not yet in high school) and went on to get her masters and PHD. It's doable but this is a really iffy time to do it unless you are doing a program that will assuredly lead to better employment; it's expensive and most undergrad degrees do not lead anywhere employment-wise. My son studied political economy (and paid his way through school waiting tables at night and on the weekends) but he used to wonder whether it would have been smarter to pursue his love of fixing cars by going to automotive school and just satisfy his need to read and learn and research on his own. It's a difficult question from either side of the college/no college decision.

Most of my downfalls have centered around not trying because of being afraid to fail. This is such a silly trap and my rational mind always knew it but my much more frail emotional side would usually win out (the old, "if I don't even enter the competition I can't be rejected" trap). Eventually, with age and a lot of hard work I was able to mitigate but not fully eradicate that way of thinking. Life is just getting to know and understand and hopefully finally enjoy yourself for who you are and what you do--regardless of whether anyone else even sees what you do. It sounds like you have accomplished quite a bit for a 22 year old! So, keep thinking and feeling and being the introspective person you are--and maybe cut yourself some slack!