I wish i could just wake up

[Hmess0610]

I dont know how it got so bad....
I was young and in love.
He was my everything and i was his for 3 or 4 years.... we had adventures, learned together, shared so many experiences....
Had two beautiful children....

We had been doing meth off and on that whole time. And it was not too bad... we were weekend worriors but we slowly devloped at bad sex addiction he is also addicted to porn.

We met people got high and had some thrills but when it was time for the fun to stop we didnt.... and it got worse....alot worse..

We were on our own in our own apt for the first time.... and i let him get out of control. We were smokeing everyday or trading me for shit if we could.....then i was preg.... he wouldnt stop drugs and pressured me too.
And then he started beating me.... it had happend once or twice before but this turned in to a regular thing... he wated me to keep fucking him like i did before i got pregnant and made me feel bad for not doing it. He told me im a fat whore and spit on me while id be breaking down in the living room. As our 2 year old watched the whole thing. He choked me, punched and kicked me.
If he wasnt doing that he was gone all night.either finding places to jerk off or get more shit. It finally came to a head after i had my son...he had a causal encounter with our nabor and that changed my husband for good. This guy had never done meth and was mentally unstable (unknown at the time) we asked if he wanted to party and he got bad... like try to.munipulate and controll people and my husband adopted that mentallity. Next he was parinoid about me cheating. He would harras and punch me with our son in my arms... take our daughter and say "mommys a whore. Can u say that?" He was so far gone from the man i knew and loved. I had to go but im still dealing with this...im only 24 and ive beem sexually mentaly and physicaly abused by the man i thought i was goning to spend the rest of my life with.... my bestfriend.... my soulmate...

Now when we talk all he says is ur a whore and im going to make u suffer. He wants me to feel how he feels because he is all alone now...as if its my fault.

ive had to put a court order of protectio on my husband for one year and he will be in jail for 5 months of it.

Ive never felt like this in my life.... i was a happy positive peace and love kind of girl.... now im a druggie slut who has ripped her life to shreds...... im stuck in my depression amd its hard to see me getting sober...

 

[starting_over]

Welcome to Bluelight

It saddens me to read your story, you're only a couple years younger than me but have gone through a whole lot more.

I think your husband is no good, you and your kids need to stay away from him for life!

What's your housing situation like? Can you move back in with your parents? Or with a friend?

Have you cut back on the meth?

Try not to call yourself a druggie slut! Negative self talk is a vicious circle, trust me I know.

Sending good vibes your way!

 

[herbavore]

You and your kids have a lot of healing to do. First things first: believe in yourself again. Believe in your own power to be a good mother. Your children are going to need counseling for what they have witnessed--believe me, if they get it now while they are still very young, it will avoid so many consequences for them (and for you) in the future. Most communities have low-cost to free counseling for children that have experienced trauma. Please look into it. Children absorb things on a very profound level but they are also masters of adaptation and perhaps do not show clear signals of the depth of their trauma. The depth of your trauma is equally important. You all deserve to get help and to enjoy this time of life (it goes so fast!) together. Please be aware of the vulnerability you feel right now and do not ever consider going back to a man that becomes violent and verbally abusive--even when it is because he is high. Do whatever you can to raise your own self-esteem as the lack of that will be your biggest weak spot. You have shown a lot of good instincts and courage getting out of the situation and getting a restraining order--keep building on that strength!

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

You sound like a caring person and you are definitely more than a, "druggie slut."

No matter what your husband has convinced you of and no matter what you may think of your self at the moment you deserve human rights, dreams, and happiness. Keep your mind set on bettering yourself and you will succeed even if it only in small ways. Don't beat yourself up for the decisions you've made. Even if you don't quit meth that doesn't make you a bad person.

Your journey may be tough but it is by no means impossible. I hope you find happiness, you deserve it.