Hello all, there may be a lot of stories which are similar to mine in some ways, but I really feel the need to share this with you and hope to find some guidance or reassurance. Maybe you'll find something useful too.
About 6 years ago, in February of 2011, I took LSD for the first (and only) time with my best friend and his brother, at their place. It was a bad trip, the worst (and most traumatic) experience of my life. I thought/felt like I was going to die that night. When the trip started to take place, it felt like my heart got stabbed by a knife. I can still feel the scar from that psychedelic/emotional wound, to this day. A few hours in, I had a full-blown panic attack. Once I started to lose it, I jolted out of there, my friend chased after me to no avail, I got into my car and drove back home.
Once home, I went into my parents' room and my dad drove me to the ER. So, I spent the 2nd half of this terrifying trip in the hospital. I recall assaulting a few of the people working there while tripping out. While at the ER, I remember thinking something along the lines of how "I must be dead and maybe this is purgatory..." Obviously, they stuck some IV-needles or something into my arms, in order to calm me down. Although, I tried to take them out and ended up making my arms bleed in the process.
Next morning, I woke up with these bloody scars all over my arms. Which healed/went away after a couple of weeks.
For the following few months, I kept going back to my friend's place, maybe in a state of shock and denial. We smoked up a lot of cannabis every day in this period. Probably not a smart choice, in hindsight.
Then, near the beginning of June 2011, I had some kind of nervous breakdown or psychotic meltdown/episode. Everything just exploded, I went really ballistic on people, social media, got into a bad fight with my (ex-)best friendbecause I blamed him for what happened that night. 'Cause I think he should've warned me about the potential risks and dangers of LSD, and I feel like he tricked me into taking it by saying something stupid like "if you take this, you'll sleep like an angel". Right before taking acid, I remember thinking how this would be like getting high on weed, just much better... Anyways, needless to say that we're not talking anymore and we've drifted apart.
So, this period of "temporary psychosis" lasted for that whole summer and maybe some parts of the fall, then it started to wind down.
From around December 2011 to September 2012, I went into a seriously dark and chronic depression. 10-12 hour nightmares every night, constant suicidal and self-critical thoughts during the day, could barely take care of myself... thank god my family was there, otherwise I don't know how I would've made it out alive. I went to see a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with "major depressive disorder", which was the only diagnosis I ever received and never went to see another psychiatrist since then 'cause getting labeled sucks. She prescribed me some anti-depressants, which I took for a month but then stopped 'cause they weren't really doing much.
In the years since all these "negative" events, I've been to therapy for 3-4 years, seen 3 different therapists, tried Gestalt, CBT, and EMDR (for anyone who's familiar with these). My life is somewhat functional these days, but I haven't really gone back to being fully recovered yet; I don't know if I'll ever quite feel like how I used to feel Pre-LSD => normal, happy, blissful. I still struggle with occasional mild depression, I get quite anxious when interacting socially with new/unfamiliar people, and probably display symptoms similar to a PTSD patient. Even though it could be a lot worse, I want to get better.
There has been 1 other instance of tripping out - on shrooms, in November 2015 in Amsterdam, at my brother's place, which actually was quite amazing. It was a light potency dose and I felt a lot more in control and aware of what I was getting myself into this time.
But I still feel like it hasn't really "fixed" me. I've tried almost everything at this point, from therapy to meditation, talking about it with friends, eating healthy, exercising regularly, reading/studying psychology-mind-consciousness-spirituality... but I don't know how to put this shit behind me, that trip still haunts me to this day. And it's getting exhausting, 5-6 years of this is ridiculous, sorry if I'm ranting or complaining too much.
The main psycho-somatic illness/manifestation which shows up in relation to this is excessive belching after eating meals. I have this constant urge to burp very loudly and stomach gas/air tends to accumulate every time I eat something. I never had this problem prior to taking LSD, so I'm sure that there's some correlation. I think that this psycho-somatic illness will go away when I'm fully recovered, if that day ever comes.
Questions:
1. Would taking LSD again be a good idea? If I had a good trip on LSD, would it be able to "undo" the damage caused by the first bad trip?
2. Do you have any other advice, suggestions, thoughts? Is there something else I may be missing?
TL;DR - Took LSD in 2011, bad/traumatic trip, nervous breakdown a few months later, followed by chronic depression lasting 9-10 months. Around 6 years later, still not fully recovered... please help.
Thank you in advance.
About 6 years ago, in February of 2011, I took LSD for the first (and only) time with my best friend and his brother, at their place. It was a bad trip, the worst (and most traumatic) experience of my life. I thought/felt like I was going to die that night. When the trip started to take place, it felt like my heart got stabbed by a knife. I can still feel the scar from that psychedelic/emotional wound, to this day. A few hours in, I had a full-blown panic attack. Once I started to lose it, I jolted out of there, my friend chased after me to no avail, I got into my car and drove back home.
Once home, I went into my parents' room and my dad drove me to the ER. So, I spent the 2nd half of this terrifying trip in the hospital. I recall assaulting a few of the people working there while tripping out. While at the ER, I remember thinking something along the lines of how "I must be dead and maybe this is purgatory..." Obviously, they stuck some IV-needles or something into my arms, in order to calm me down. Although, I tried to take them out and ended up making my arms bleed in the process.
Next morning, I woke up with these bloody scars all over my arms. Which healed/went away after a couple of weeks.
For the following few months, I kept going back to my friend's place, maybe in a state of shock and denial. We smoked up a lot of cannabis every day in this period. Probably not a smart choice, in hindsight.
Then, near the beginning of June 2011, I had some kind of nervous breakdown or psychotic meltdown/episode. Everything just exploded, I went really ballistic on people, social media, got into a bad fight with my (ex-)best friend
So, this period of "temporary psychosis" lasted for that whole summer and maybe some parts of the fall, then it started to wind down.
From around December 2011 to September 2012, I went into a seriously dark and chronic depression. 10-12 hour nightmares every night, constant suicidal and self-critical thoughts during the day, could barely take care of myself... thank god my family was there, otherwise I don't know how I would've made it out alive. I went to see a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with "major depressive disorder", which was the only diagnosis I ever received and never went to see another psychiatrist since then 'cause getting labeled sucks. She prescribed me some anti-depressants, which I took for a month but then stopped 'cause they weren't really doing much.
In the years since all these "negative" events, I've been to therapy for 3-4 years, seen 3 different therapists, tried Gestalt, CBT, and EMDR (for anyone who's familiar with these). My life is somewhat functional these days, but I haven't really gone back to being fully recovered yet; I don't know if I'll ever quite feel like how I used to feel Pre-LSD => normal, happy, blissful. I still struggle with occasional mild depression, I get quite anxious when interacting socially with new/unfamiliar people, and probably display symptoms similar to a PTSD patient. Even though it could be a lot worse, I want to get better.
There has been 1 other instance of tripping out - on shrooms, in November 2015 in Amsterdam, at my brother's place, which actually was quite amazing. It was a light potency dose and I felt a lot more in control and aware of what I was getting myself into this time.
But I still feel like it hasn't really "fixed" me. I've tried almost everything at this point, from therapy to meditation, talking about it with friends, eating healthy, exercising regularly, reading/studying psychology-mind-consciousness-spirituality... but I don't know how to put this shit behind me, that trip still haunts me to this day. And it's getting exhausting, 5-6 years of this is ridiculous, sorry if I'm ranting or complaining too much.
The main psycho-somatic illness/manifestation which shows up in relation to this is excessive belching after eating meals. I have this constant urge to burp very loudly and stomach gas/air tends to accumulate every time I eat something. I never had this problem prior to taking LSD, so I'm sure that there's some correlation. I think that this psycho-somatic illness will go away when I'm fully recovered, if that day ever comes.
Questions:
1. Would taking LSD again be a good idea? If I had a good trip on LSD, would it be able to "undo" the damage caused by the first bad trip?
2. Do you have any other advice, suggestions, thoughts? Is there something else I may be missing?
TL;DR - Took LSD in 2011, bad/traumatic trip, nervous breakdown a few months later, followed by chronic depression lasting 9-10 months. Around 6 years later, still not fully recovered... please help.
Thank you in advance.
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