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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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Just over four months into this horrible experience and as one of those unfortunate people that only took this drug a handful of times, I don't know how I will ever get over the regret of throwing everything away for such a stupid reason.
It pains me to see all of my old friends still going about their lives as usual after taking gram after gram of God only knows what and here I am waking up every day and thinking of ending it all. I seem to have most symptoms that people have mentioned from tinnitus and hppd like symptoms to memory problems and sexual dysfunction, all of which were not present before that night. I feel like in the space of 12 hours I aged 60 years. I now have no concept of time which is possibly the worst feeling along with not being able to recount what I have done in the same day, let alone what I did yesterday. Horrible to think that this could be the end etc.

Sorry for being so negative, just feeling awful all the time is so exhausting.
 
Just over four months into this horrible experience and as one of those unfortunate people that only took this drug a handful of times, I don't know how I will ever get over the regret of throwing everything away for such a stupid reason.
It pains me to see all of my old friends still going about their lives as usual after taking gram after gram of God only knows what and here I am waking up every day and thinking of ending it all. I seem to have most symptoms that people have mentioned from tinnitus and hppd like symptoms to memory problems and sexual dysfunction, all of which were not present before that night. I feel like in the space of 12 hours I aged 60 years. I now have no concept of time which is possibly the worst feeling along with not being able to recount what I have done in the same day, let alone what I did yesterday. Horrible to think that this could be the end etc.

Sorry for being so negative, just feeling awful all the time is so exhausting.

Hey buddy, I know how you're feeling right now. I am here to provide you with some hope. There's gonna be a point in the coming months where your mood and anxiety improves. and it's going to feel great. After that who knows what will come, maybe full recovery. Hang in there.
 
I mean if hormonal imbalances are implicated in the LTC (regardless of gender) in some way its not that surprising.

Doesn't disrupted brain signaling ultimately affect hormones downstream anyways?

I can say one thing and that is that at night I feel the closest to normal whereas mornings are hell. This has continued since day 1 of the LTC. (Not applicable to my visual snow but the mental symptoms only)
That's interesting. I always had the opposite. In the morning I felt fine but at night I would be a train wreck. It worked out really well because I worked in the mornings so I was able to keep my job.
 
Ive gotten into a debate on another site about wheather or not pure mdma can cause an ltc. I'm curious what people here have to say about it. I was told my stuff was tested and pure but I never had proof. I've read accounts on here where people said thier stuff was tested and they still got an ltc, but so many people are of the mind set that pure mdma doesnt cause this that I'm starting to belive it . What do you guys think?
 
People get similar syndromes from hallucinogens like LSD and also cannabis, so it's arguably not specific to bunk ecstasy. Depersonalization with cannabis is a common enough one, I had a friend who had this for a couple months. Also HPPD via hallucinogens, or classically noted in the literature as "Post-LSD visual syndrome".

There are case reports of psychiatric side effects of MDMA starting in the 1980s, including the typical depression/depersonalization et cetera. So I think the syndrome that we've labeled as an LTC has existed for some time, it occurs with various drugs, and is not 100% a recent hysteria thing because of people googling and self diagnosing (which is another common argument).

I'm not saying all the googling helps, and that could be a large part of why some percentage of people don't recover very fast and it could be why some percentage who might otherwise be fine after a regular comedown instead freak out for a few months.

Then those people with anxiety return to normal and come back and tell us it was all in their heads (and then bystanding people see that and apply it to everyone, and assume it's all in everyone's heads), but for most people it's not as if they would still have the same symptoms if they had taken a sugar pill.

People really love their MDMA and equate any talk of side effects to reefer madness.

The last thing I'll mention is that humans can acquire all sorts of neuropsychiatric disease without any drugs involved, so it's not a stretch to think that MDMA could precipitate illness.
 
There is no way this LTC is totally psychological. I've seen CBT psychologists who pull out a scheme sheet and I don't meet many schemas and direct negative views of myself. I don't have any direct negative views of myself I just have the damn symptoms.

I had some stool testing done recently a month ago. My microbiome is fucked. Low diversity and I need to seriously get on that probiotic train and heal this shit. It sucks but at least maybe I'm getting some hints as to what routes to pursue.

Even if the brain is the source of the issues the issues can also propagate to other places (like the gut and hormones) and imo I think treatment can come from many different angles which is a good thing for a faster recovery.

We know so little about mental illness but what if somebody just has the perfect storm of bad vulnerabilities and pre-existing issues that impede recovery. I know my recovery has been slow as hell but what if for example my gut biome was bad before and thus also predisposed me to an LTC and is now adding into the LTC. I'm thinking maybe if I target that somehow aggressively through diet would I see improvement?
 
Do you get a naturapathic BS vibe from the stool testing microbiome thing? I understand our symbiotic bacteria are important and can help produce serotonin and the active form of vitamin K et cetera but my BS detector gets a warning signal. Then again, insert quote here about how 90% of our serotonin is in the enteric nervous system (our gut)
 
Do you get a naturapathic BS vibe from the stool testing microbiome thing? I understand our symbiotic bacteria are important and can help produce serotonin and the active form of vitamin K et cetera but my BS detector gets a warning signal. Then again, insert quote here about how 90% of our serotonin is in the enteric nervous system (our gut)

See thats what I at first also was skeptical about and still am sort of but there is all sorts of new research constantly coming out about the gut-brain axis and mood disorders.


I think maybe the best thing to do is to just try incorporating the probiotic foods empirically and see what happens. If its placebo who cares its still something. I probably will be going for other treatments too though so idk if I would be able to assess much though.
 
Well guys, I'm back from Coachella which is the place where all of this bullshit started. I have both good and neutral news. Well actually I got back from Coachella last week and wrote a post similar to this but accidentally deleted.

I went into Coachella feeling pretty good but still missing that spark of life that has left a bunch of us. I have come a long ways since the damage I did last year and felt confident that I could take some acid and be okay but I still a little nervous that I'd start back at square one. A part of me hoped that I'd have a breakthrough trip that would light that spark again. Alas, there was no breakthrough but there was also no regression!

I'm confident that whatever recovery I've had has stuck pretty solidly. I even smoked weed while tripping and it didn't have any negative effects.

Now onto the good news. I started the lamotrigine about 4 days ago along with a quality sublingual b12 2500mg supplement​. I kinda wish I hadnt started them at the same time because I've been feeling fucking amazing! I can't tell which one is benefiting me more. I know the lamotrigine isn't usually therapeutic till around 100mg+ and I'm still at 25mg. So maybe it's to b12 that I was deficienct in that has been the last piece of the puzzle.

The last couple days I've been so much more naturally social and it's felt great! I feel quick witted and actually enjoy talking to people again. I am also able to visualize events that have taken place a bit more and I felt motivated to clean my room or sit and enjoy a sunset to some good music. Its a very subtle shift that has taken place but it's a stark contrast to how I used to be just a couple weeks ago. I don't know for sure if my memory has recovered fully yet but it feels a bit better too.

I just wanted to give all of you an update in hopes that it gives you hope of making something resembling a partial or full recovery. I'm still not out of the woods but I'm cautiously optimistic. Thanks again for the support thus far! Wishing you all the best!
 
Thanks for the report.

Some people have a lot of success with lamotrigine for bipolar/depression and there is a case report of it treating HPPD with success. It's a unique drug for sure.
 
People get similar syndromes from hallucinogens like LSD and also cannabis, so it's arguably not specific to bunk ecstasy. Depersonalization with cannabis is a common enough one, I had a friend who had this for a couple months. Also HPPD via hallucinogens, or classically noted in the literature as "Post-LSD visual syndrome".

There are case reports of psychiatric side effects of MDMA starting in the 1980s, including the typical depression/depersonalization et cetera. So I think the syndrome that we've labeled as an LTC has existed for some time, it occurs with various drugs, and is not 100% a recent hysteria thing because of people googling and self diagnosing (which is another common argument).

I'm not saying all the googling helps, and that could be a large part of why some percentage of people don't recover very fast and it could be why some percentage who might otherwise be fine after a regular comedown instead freak out for a few months.

Then those people with anxiety return to normal and come back and tell us it was all in their heads (and then bystanding people see that and apply it to everyone, and assume it's all in everyone's heads), but for most people it's not as if they would still have the same symptoms if they had taken a sugar pill.

People really love their MDMA and equate any talk of side effects to reefer madness.

The last thing I'll mention is that humans can acquire all sorts of neuropsychiatric disease without any drugs involved, so it's not a stretch to think that MDMA could precipitate illness.

On this topic-- sure but in those cases isn't significant stress involved?

What I don't understand is why aren't doctors seperating the biological depression/anxiety cases from the psychological depression/anxiety cases and tailoring treatments to each of those.

Theres people all over the world suffering from medication or drug induced depressive disorders. How are "thoughts" (as in CBT) causing the feelings here? I don't even understand some of the reasoning in some of these psychotherapies. Its like they ignore the biological factors sometimes. Sometimes mindfulness or CBT makes me feel like my thought patterns are causing the illness when in fact it is most definitely the other way around and sure its cyclical. But what the hell do I do when I modify a certain thought and then just get it again later. I then focus my attention on the breath or some other object or task but it doesn't actually do anything to the low mood. So then I start wondering what is the point of all this?? Thats what I really don't understand.

Also--what about prescription drugs causing anxiety or depression? Stuff like Accutane, Finasteride, antimalerial rare reactions, etc.

I'm not trying to be fatalistic but is counseling/CBT/mindfulness less effective in biological induced depression vs. psychological stress-induced depression? Can CBT truly prevent anxiety/depression from occuring 100% of the time?
I get so pissed off when I see studies on mindfulness reducing depression risk cause I simply don't see how it would reduce the risk of an LTC or other drug induced depressive disorder. I also get irritated whenever I see that anxiety and depression didn't come on in 1 day so don't expect it to go away fast cause for a lot of people here it did come on in 1 day or a week or whatever.

I asked my CBT counselor how can I prevent my low moods in the morning and they told me that they don't know how to prevent them but just said here is how you can deal with them.
 
Hello again all, I've just been to the doctor after 8 months of my comedown . I have improved a bit since last time I posted here but it seems the more I'm back to myself, the more I notice the symptoms. Decided to finally go after having a mini panic attack in front of a whole board room of people and having a terrible day in general. I've been prescribed Mirtazipine - has anyone tried this? Also been referred to a free CBT consultation which I'm going to give a try but have my doubts. Doctor didn't seem to know much about mdma LTCs but thought it was definitely an anxiety problem.

I'll update in a couple of weeks when the medication has a chance to kick in.
 
All of this for the most part seems physiological. I think your emotional/spiritual condition can determine how hard this hits you and your recovery time.
 
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CBT has been verified against placebo so based on that, in theory, it should work whether or not you believe it right?

The main thing that pisses me off about the psychological therapies is that they don't address any of the symptoms and just give coping skills.

Like I learned deep breathing stuff and doing it didnt seem to make my mood any better. At most it was useful for some anxiety but thats not my primary problem. My primary problem is the depression which comes in the morning and gets a lot better at night.

Ideal therapy for me= prevent the low mood from beginning in the first place.

Also, the low mood isnt there when im in bed it actually begins once I get going and ive actively written down every single thought I have in between and cannot find a easy one to one correlation between the two.

All that being said I think its still worth giving CBT a try. Compared to mindfulness, I still liked it more since it was a more active approach. It could very well work for you. And if its free why not.

Keep in mind I also did it without any medications.

At least for me, CBT had no real adverse effects other than frustration at points.
 
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Hello again all, I've just been to the doctor after 8 months of my comedown . I have improved a bit since last time I posted here but it seems the more I'm back to myself, the more I notice the symptoms. Decided to finally go after having a mini panic attack in front of a whole board room of people and having a terrible day in general. I've been prescribed Mirtazipine - has anyone tried this? Also been referred to a free CBT consultation which I'm going to give a try but have my doubts. Doctor didn't seem to know much about mdma LTCs but thought it was definitely an anxiety problem.

I'll update in a couple of weeks when the medication has a chance to kick in.

Hey, there is a report of this causing visual snow. Just FYI.
 
Just over four months into this horrible experience and as one of those unfortunate people that only took this drug a handful of times, I don't know how I will ever get over the regret of throwing everything away for such a stupid reason.
It pains me to see all of my old friends still going about their lives as usual after taking gram after gram of God only knows what and here I am waking up every day and thinking of ending it all. I seem to have most symptoms that people have mentioned from tinnitus and hppd like symptoms to memory problems and sexual dysfunction, all of which were not present before that night. I feel like in the space of 12 hours I aged 60 years. I now have no concept of time which is possibly the worst feeling along with not being able to recount what I have done in the same day, let alone what I did yesterday. Horrible to think that this could be the end etc.

Sorry for being so negative, just feeling awful all the time is so exhausting.

See below!

Hey buddy, I know how you're feeling right now. I am here to provide you with some hope. There's gonna be a point in the coming months where your mood and anxiety improves. and it's going to feel great. After that who knows what will come, maybe full recovery. Hang in there.

This is great advice, fnono - I can also attest to the mood improvements later down the line. I know my last post was largely negative but it was more of a catharsis effort than a overall recovery roundup. To summarize, I've come leaps and bounds since the beginning where I was absolutely devastated. As in, I've come from the deepest darkest void of utter lifeless and hopelessness to a restoration of a sense of vitality I which simply couldn't fathom ever returning.

Keep on keeping on. You just have to trust others who have been through this that you're going to get much better.

Hello again all, I've just been to the doctor after 8 months of my comedown . I have improved a bit since last time I posted here but it seems the more I'm back to myself, the more I notice the symptoms. Decided to finally go after having a mini panic attack in front of a whole board room of people and having a terrible day in general. I've been prescribed Mirtazipine - has anyone tried this? Also been referred to a free CBT consultation which I'm going to give a try but have my doubts. Doctor didn't seem to know much about mdma LTCs but thought it was definitely an anxiety problem.

I'll update in a couple of weeks when the medication has a chance to kick in.

Hi, I relate to noticing the symptoms more as you get back to yourself. I have definitely seem to suffer the most when I'm actually improving. For one it makes me desire normality more, become more scrutinizing of symptoms and critical of myself. P.s. I have prescribed Mirtazapine 15mg, of which I take half a tablet and it seems to be highly effective in alleviating symptoms although I do advise you take with professional guidance. In my opinion it's a fairly potent drug. For me it gives me more mood and puts DP/DR in remission but perhaps does enhance the visual snow.
 
On this topic-- sure but in those cases isn't significant stress involved?

What I don't understand is why aren't doctors seperating the biological depression/anxiety cases from the psychological depression/anxiety cases and tailoring treatments to each of those.

Theres people all over the world suffering from medication or drug induced depressive disorders. How are "thoughts" (as in CBT) causing the feelings here? I don't even understand some of the reasoning in some of these psychotherapies.

I'm not trying to be fatalistic but is counseling/CBT/mindfulness less effective in biological induced depression vs. psychological stress-induced depression?

A lot of mental illnesses are thought to be "bio-psychosocial" in the sense that there is a interaction between the genes and environment that can't necessarily be separated. Some diseases have stronger genetic components than others, for example schizophrenia.

If you have a relative with schizophrenia this increases your risk of developing the disease by almost 10x, and if you have an identical twin with schizophrenia, you have a 50% chance of developing the disease.

But there probably isn't one gene that causes schizophrenia - there are probably many different genes (polygenic), and some people may not have ended up developing schizophrenia had there not been in-utero stress, while some people had so many genes that they were very likely to develop the disease.

Depression is pretty heritable, but people with no family history of depression can certainly develop it randomly without an apparent cause (or the causes are subtle - decades of internal monologue in a linguistic and imperfect society mixed with a few bad genes and intermittent stresses, then an inciting event like taking E).

That doesn't necessarily mean that we should tunnel vision on the E however, because there can be multiple ways of developing the same symptoms and condition, and the treatments will ultimately reflect that commonality in the disease's pathophysiology.

What actual depression is about is essentially there isn't anything wrong with somebody's life yet they are still depressed. So there is a lot of talk about depression among psychologists who see people all day long who have had horrible lives, but a lot of the times the interesting depression that psychiatrists/neuros really talk about is when there is no clear environmental reason for it. Psychologists are probably used to sorting out people whose lives are a mess, which is sort of a reactive depression (their depression would lift if their lives didn't suck).

That doesn't necessarily mean that methods like reducing the activity of the internal monologue or reducing stress aren't important, along with cardio and medications, but I can understand how it would be difficult to causally link something like decades of internal monologue to depression.

"How are "thoughts" (as in CBT) causing the feelings here?"

So for example, if internal monologue circuitry (default mode network) is strong and hypertrophied and activates a particular depression related region like the subgenual cingulate, this can result in neurophysiology that is conducive to depression.

Consciousness is probably integrated network activity amongst the neurons. Depending upon the patterns of activity, consciousness will be different. So thoughts change neurophysiology because they really are neurophysiology (I hope this makes some sense).

One may attempt to alter said circuitry with mindfulness but it certainly won't happen overnight, and different people's circuitry could be better or worse at reverting. Maybe someone has great neuroplasticity and their mind is still malleable, maybe another person needs SSRIs and cardio to boost their neuroplasticity for that circuitry to rewire faster.


"Synaptic remodeling" certainly doesn't happen overnight but is still the major feature of antidepressant therapies and very likely mindfulness. Some brains may be more or less resistant to the remodeling, and some brains may need different kinds of remodeling. Maybe the original E use remodeled the brain in the wrong direction.
 
My Tinnitus changes pitch and gets louder when I push my jaw forward. Somatic?
 
@cotcha

When I meant stress I also meant to include negative internal monologue within that. As in somebody who may have low self esteem while growing up etc. I am ignoring all that for the purpose of this.

I am talking about somebody who is confident, successful, has everything, has an internal monologue which is "normal" (everybody has an internal monologue--i think I would be more scared if I had 0 internal monologue. Absolute 0 is physically impossible). Even thinking and fantasizing about having sex is technically internal monologue--just not negative.

And then this person goes on to develop depression or anxiety for no known obvious causes. And then notices that he or she has developed a negative internal monologue *after the fact* and they know that they are thinking negatively but are not able to stop it but instead wonder what it is that caused the sudden neural shift.
 
My Tinnitus changes pitch and gets louder when I push my jaw forward. Somatic?

A lot of people with neck/jaw problems (commonly co-morbid) have tinnitus, neck muscles like the SCM can cause both jaw problems and tinnitus (the muscle attaches up into the ear). I posted a study a while back about Botox into a muscle for tinnitus
 
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