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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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Hello guys. It's been a long time since i've posted here. Some of you may know me and my story. Briefly I was able to get 100% better and today I live normally, with anxiety which I have total control and I keep fighting without fear but i have consciousness and the knowledge of my sympthons and that i'm in control. I had pretty bad desrealization and every anxiety sympthon you can imagine, if I could give you all an advice about LTC is that certanly a lot of your sympthons are not caused by any damage and yes because of anxiety. Not talking about them all but most of it problably. Anxiety is a fucking bitch. Right now i have a sore throat that is totally caused by anxiety, i have been very anxyous the last weeks, but it's life man, it happens to us but to a lot of people who doesn't even do drugs too.

An interesting thing that I have to say is that I have done something that most of us would probably never do again, i did used mdma again. It was on my birthday, December 8th. It was only 1/4 of a pill. Very different from the 7 untested pills I took before my breakdown.

And you will not believe it, I barely felt the effects, but the next day I had several panic attacks and fought ferociously with an anxiety at the level of depersonalization for 1 week, which, knowing my body, I assure that was entirely caused by anxiety. Seriously, I'm sure it did not even affected my serotonin levels, because it was such a low dose, but I had a week of derealization very similar to my ltc. And that made me realize even more that a lot of what happened before was caused by anxiety.

Anyway, I can control all my panic attacks now, I really feel like a master of mind control sometimes because of the things I've been through, it's cool to think about it. But guys, my brain is is perfect, I perform all the functions I need better than I've ever done before, I feel even smarter and wiser, right now I'm starting my own business and this week I spent over 60 hours studying digital marketing, and I'm taking care of all the functions of the company, I'm Extremely functional, and I still smoke marijuana every day.

If you knew the state in which I have been subjected for months and months you would not believe that it would be possible for me to be like I am now, that said what I can tell you: do not think that you are going to be in this state forever because your brain Will recover or you will get used to the sympthons that may actually have been caused by some sort of damage if you really belive that, and the anxiety problems will disappear. And Neuroplasticy is very possible, i did threat myself with escitalopram for 8 months, and with xanax, but I stopped taking all.

To be honest, my vision has never been the same, it is very blured, grainy and i have astigmastism and miopia, but I got used to it. Seriously you could get used to any kind of vision, because there are people that are used to no vision at all. Normally when I post I stay around the forum for a few days so if you have any questions please feel free to ask. And sorry if i wrote something wrong, i'm brazilian and all english i've learned was trought tv shows and movies.

Wish the best for everyone.
 
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I don't think this is entirely anxiety in the sense that I don't think its "all in our head".

Anyways, I have increased anxiety as I mentioned and the visual snow grainy stuff is really getting to me. I had felt like I had adapted to it and it was no big deal as early as a week or so ago. And I've had the VS for a while now and it doesn't bother me much.

Yet right now its bothering me and I can't stop thinking about it no matter how much I try. It feels like its gotten worse--can VS progress or get worse in any way? Or is it relatively constant but only awareness does?
 
Budal202 said:
If you knew the state in which I have been subjected for months and months you would not believe that it would be possible for me to be like I am now, that said what I can tell you: do not think that you are going to be in this state forever because your brain Will recover or you will get used to the sympthons that may actually have been caused by some sort of damage if you really belive that, and the anxiety problems will disappear. And Neuroplasticy is very possible, i did threat myself with escitalopram for 8 months, and with xanax, but I stopped taking all.
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Hey Budal - good to hear you're doing much, much better. You reached out to me in the early days of my LTC - and as anyone here knows, that care is like gold.

I'm 13 months in and I'm currently about a month into a course of 25mg Agomelatine for my lingering anxiety. I'm not entirely sure if it's helping much - I'm definitely less anxious but I've also completely cut out booze and weed since early January after pushing things a bit hard over Xmas.

Lexapro is something my Doc would like me to try if Agomelatine isn't the answer... What symptoms did you still have when you started the course of Lexapro and how quickly did things start to improve?

I have anxiety, but really, it's just a feeling of brain-deadedness that I battle most. Tinnitus still around day 1 levels, head pressure still there, floaters still floating about. I just want to really feel alive again.
 
Is it known which SSRI is the most effective in up-regulating neurosteroids, allopregnanolone in particular? I'm considering Sertraline since another sufferer have had great success treating his LTC with a small dose (12.5mg), but I would reconsider if there's something else that's more effective.
 
Go Easy said:
Hey Budal - good to hear you're doing much, much better. You reached out to me in the early days of my LTC - and as anyone here knows, that care is like gold.

I'm 13 months in and I'm currently about a month into a course of 25mg Agomelatine for my lingering anxiety. I'm not entirely sure if it's helping much - I'm definitely less anxious but I've also completely cut out booze and weed since early January after pushing things a bit hard over Xmas.

Lexapro is something my Doc would like me to try if Agomelatine isn't the answer... What symptoms did you still have when you started the course of Lexapro and how quickly did things start to improve?

I have anxiety, but really, it's just a feeling of brain-deadedness that I battle most. Tinnitus still around day 1 levels, head pressure still there, floaters still floating about. I just want to really feel alive again.
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Hey my friend, it's good to hear about you. I do remember our talks.


You seem fine, your posts does not sound desperate, your going the right way, acceptance and chill a little.


Well i really don't know Agomelatine so I can't tell you anything about it, but what I do know is lexapro. If you look at the review of Lexapro in "Depression" area on drugs.com you will see a lot of people saying that the medicine saved their lives. I think it's score is one of the highest. It helped a lot for me, because it put me in a half anesthetized state with a good feeling, I became more distracted with my anxiety, I started to feel the energy of the contact with other people better, instead of being stuck in my thoughs. This probably have to do with serotonin. However, it did not completely remove me from depersonalization. Some people can cure totally with medications, some people don't. Even if you were able to cure all your sympthons you still need to care of your mind. This is the best part because the traumas of your mind can be minimized or even cured in a lot of ways.


There are people who have cured themselves with religion, there are people who have healed themselves with meditation, people who have been so effective in taking the focus out of anxiety and calming that over time the person even forgot and improved. I have cured myself with science. I took advantage of the obsession during my LTC and read a lot about neuroscience, then started to get more interested in astronomy, studying dream science, psychology which enabled me to finally UNDERSTAND everything that was happening.


But analyzing today I truly believe there are several ways for you to heal from LTC. Anything that lessens your anxiety will contribute a lot, believe me.


Tell me, you say you have a "dead brain" feeling, and I also had it for a long time, but I called it "brain fog." Do you have insomnia problems? And how is the anxiety itself? Does it consume you all day leaving you tired? Both insomnia and anxiety can cause brain fog and especially when you start noticing it, then it gets your attention and strengthens.


Anyway, try lexapro, it will not cause you any permanent sexual disfunction, this is paranoia. It increased my libido because it allowed me to let the anxiety aside.


wish you the best my friend, good luck.
 
Budal202 said:
Tell me, you say you have a "dead brain" feeling, and I also had it for a long time, but I called it "brain fog." Do you have insomnia problems? And how is the anxiety itself? Does it consume you all day leaving you tired? Both insomnia and anxiety can cause brain fog and especially when you start noticing it, then it gets your attention and strengthens.
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I don't really have any insomnia problems - apart from the first week or so my sleep has been remarkably good. My anxiety isn't all-engrossing, but it pops out of nowhere when I least expect it. For example, I was at a large work dinner where people were going around the table taking turns to introduce themselves and give a 1 minute spiel about themselves. It's a pretty easy thing, but as we went from person to person I started to get more and more anxious, to the point where I could barely speak by the time it got to me. Pre-LTC I wouldn't have even contemplated a problem like that.

The anxiety when I talk in either a social or work setting impacts on my speech. I still can't find words and find myself getting flustered - this raises my heartbeat and can induce visible sweating, which can make things even worse.

I guess the thing is, if I could remove myself from having to socialize or work, I would be "anxiety-free" in the sense I'm not really "nervous". But I have the brain fog, tinnitus and head pressure which are typically "anxiety" symptoms.

This LTC business ain't easy!
 
Guys do not be afraid of taking psych meds, they do help. I just added 15mg of Mirtazapine to my 100mg of Sertraline. Slept like a baby.
 
ScaredFirstTimer said:
Is it known which SSRI is the most effective in up-regulating neurosteroids, allopregnanolone in particular? I'm considering Sertraline since another sufferer have had great success treating his LTC with a small dose (12.5mg), but I would reconsider if there's something else that's more effective.
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The pro-growth effects of SSRIs/SNRIs are probably downstream of the serotonin portion itself, rather than an off target effect of that particular med. I would guess that a lot of choosing an SSRI/SNRI has to do with the side effects - fluoxetine and sertraline are known to be the most activating, with the highest rate of insomnia/nervousness and such. I think Lexapro is supposed to be one of the best. That being said, it seems to be known in the literature that some people need to try different SSRIs until they find the right one for them.

Its thought that most of the pro-growth effects of anti-depressants are mediated by something called BDNF, brain derived neurotrophic factor. This encourages the neurons in the hippocampus to grow, and causes more new neurons to be born and migrate to the hippocampus.

The hippocampus inhibits the stress response, so this growth/birth of hippocampal neurons is probably pretty important, but it'll be seen with all SSRIs (although it won't be seen right away).
 
Budal202 said:
Hello guys. It's been a long time since i've posted here. Some of you may know me and my story. Briefly I was able to get 100% better and today I live normally, with anxiety which I have total control and I keep fighting without fear but i have consciousness and the knowledge of my sympthons and that i'm in control. I had pretty bad desrealization and every anxiety sympthon you can imagine, if I could give you all an advice about LTC is that certanly a lot of your sympthons are not caused by any damage and yes because of anxiety. Not talking about them all but most of it problably. Anxiety is a fucking bitch. Right now i have a sore throat that is totally caused by anxiety, i have been very anxyous the last weeks, but it's life man, it happens to us but to a lot of people who doesn't even do drugs too.

An interesting thing that I have to say is that I have done something that most of us would probably never do again, i did used mdma again. It was on my birthday, December 8th. It was only 1/4 of a pill. Very different from the 7 untested pills I took before my breakdown.

And you will not believe it, I barely felt the effects, but the next day I had several panic attacks and fought ferociously with an anxiety at the level of depersonalization for 1 week, which, knowing my body, I assure that was entirely caused by anxiety. Seriously, I'm sure it did not even affected my serotonin levels, because it was such a low dose, but I had a week of derealization very similar to my ltc. And that made me realize even more that a lot of what happened before was caused by anxiety.

Anyway, I can control all my panic attacks now, I really feel like a master of mind control sometimes because of the things I've been through, it's cool to think about it. But guys, my brain is is perfect, I perform all the functions I need better than I've ever done before, I feel even smarter and wiser, right now I'm starting my own business and this week I spent over 60 hours studying digital marketing, and I'm taking care of all the functions of the company, I'm Extremely functional, and I still smoke marijuana every day.

If you knew the state in which I have been subjected for months and months you would not believe that it would be possible for me to be like I am now, that said what I can tell you: do not think that you are going to be in this state forever because your brain Will recover or you will get used to the sympthons that may actually have been caused by some sort of damage if you really belive that, and the anxiety problems will disappear. And Neuroplasticy is very possible, i did threat myself with escitalopram for 8 months, and with xanax, but I stopped taking all.

To be honest, my vision has never been the same, it is very blured, grainy and i have astigmastism and miopia, but I got used to it. Seriously you could get used to any kind of vision, because there are people that are used to no vision at all. Normally when I post I stay around the forum for a few days so if you have any questions please feel free to ask. And sorry if i wrote something wrong, i'm brazilian and all english i've learned was trought tv shows and movies.

Wish the best for everyone.
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Hi Budal, nice to hear someone else recovering to a tolerable state. It encourages us. Sent you a PM, please look. Bye.
 
Adubbs, I am definitely fortunate to be able to still enjoy those substances but as cotcha said I feel that LTC is more of a generalized term for the core symptoms but with a wide range of possible other issues.

Trust me when I say I'm a shell of a former self and while I'm definitely getting better I still can't help but feel the spark of life is missing. I'm basically anxiety free and not as depressed as I used to be but like the rest of us here I used have an overflowing love of life and for the connections to those around me. Now life and those connections feel distant and unimportant. I'm just going through the motions hoping change comes all the while knowing that we need to be the change we want yet still the practical application seems impossible.

Amml or anyone else, what was it like when you felt normal again? Did you suddenly have a passion for the things you used to enjoy? Were you motivated again? Was it like a switch being flipped or more gradual change?
 
Brain_fog88 said:
Adubbs, I am definitely fortunate to be able to still enjoy those substances but as cotcha said I feel that LTC is more of a generalized term for the core symptoms but with a wide range of possible other issues.

Trust me when I say I'm a shell of a former self and while I'm definitely getting better I still can't help but feel the spark of life is missing. I'm basically anxiety free and not as depressed as I used to be but like the rest of us here I used have an overflowing love of life and for the connections to those around me. Now life and those connections feel distant and unimportant. I'm just going through the motions hoping change comes all the while knowing that we need to be the change we want yet still the practical application seems impossible.

Amml or anyone else, what was it like when you felt normal again? Did you suddenly have a passion for the things you used to enjoy? Were you motivated again? Was it like a switch being flipped or more gradual change?
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For me the "switch" flipped when I started the SSRI treatment. Before that I felt blind to the things I liked in life before. I remember on the 3rd day after I took Sertraline we went hiking and I realized again how beautiful the environment and nature was.
The change I feel still today is between my normal state, where I like to have fun, go outside, work on my hobbies and so on and the depressive state where I feel empty, act aggressive, am unmotivated to do anything productive and can't experience good things, like you could take me to a beautiful location but I just wouldn't see it, like being blind for it.
This states of mind change from time to time, but I remember that both states changed to positive during my whole recovery. At the moment I use st. johns wort and curcumin to keep myself more easily in the normal state. I also take a low, non psychoactive dose of Iboga root bark (NOT ibogaine) 1-2x/week (approx. 0,1g-0,2g/dose) because it helps me feeling energized and supports my cognitive and motoric functions.
Before my SSRI treatment the depressive state was completely empty, sometimes I couldn't even hold up a normal conversation or get myself some food, for some time so bad that I had a calorie uptake of under 500kcal/day because I felt so apathetic, now my worst state is just being pissed off easily, being tired, feeling unconfortable, but normal living and working is still possible.
Also the normal state during the SSRI treatment was very exhausting and kind of maniac, now it somehow normalized to the state I had been before the LTC. Not 100% on my best days, but I feel satisfied and well.

Wanted to add something else. Today in school we talked a bit about burnout and our teacher told us that it can take up to 1,5 years to fully recover from burnout and in this time the person should not work or just easy work and/or do any mentally exhausting activities. And remember, this is not caused by any drugs, but neurochemical changes could be see for such a long time!
Now I really don't wonder anymore that it takes so long to really recover from a LTC. Cotcha already said it, but now I also believe that you can see neurochemical changes for such a long time not only because the direct effect of the drugs, but mosty also because of the extreme mental stress that a LTC can cause. Maybe a proper therapy from the beginning of the LTC could speed up the recovery.

I think a big problem in my recovery and also in the recovery of some other people were those informations about "permanent brain damage", etc. I still remember when I began reading about this it was a big shock to me and totally f*** me up mentally. This was actually also the point where suicide thoughts began to kick in heavily and the depression got worse and worse. Also reading stories from people that still had problems after years was definitely not what I needed at this point. Since then I constantly, and therefore I really mean it as I say, I spent every single second about thinking this brain damage thing. I wasn't doing a single move or talking a word without comparing how I was feeling/acting before the LTC. Thank god, since I'm feeling better I really start to live my life normal and those thoughts got much less and are now not disturbing me in my life anymore.

Another thing compared to burnout is the fact that nearly everyone here with LTC continues to live an average life with work, family, school, studying, and so on. People with burnout often get an official diagnosis and special therapies for burnout. I think if you would let someone untreated with burnout to continue his or her life like it was before, it would surely crash the person.
I hope in the future there will be more real information about the LTC after MDMA use and also proper treatment methods.
 
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Encouragement needed... Thanks

Hi All, or anyone who could help, really...

I am making a conscious effort to keep off the forums, but I end up coming back here when I get incredibly frustrated and impatient.

Also going through an LTC from a candy flip (LSD (25ug) +MDMA (tested,pure 125) I had on December 18th, 2016... I did a really dumb thing and trusted someone due to my nature (more on this later) and this was my third candy flip since August 21, 2016 and I didn't know about spacing (if you're going to say something about how dumb this is or doom and gloom about it, please don't as I am waaay too sensitive to read that shit right now) and everyone else that had done it with me, the guy in particular had done it all those times and even then some more with MDMA and they all seemed just fine... The trip itself wasn't great, actually it was pretty bad and had some anxiety and couldn't get warm enough for a while... I thought I was fine for about a week (sort of, looking back I don't see how I didn't see the aggression and hyper emotional things I did to myself as a sign) and then I smoked some weed and my world came tumbling down. I told my boyfriend (at the time) to call 911 because I felt like I was having a psychotic episode and I needed help because I literally wanted to gut myself with a knife the panic was excruciating and unlike anything I've felt before... The next few days were fucking awful, drifting in and out of sleep and general anxiety, could barely eat, everything tasted like cardboard...

Either way, I know this kind of stuff takes time and I'm not even at two months, but sometimes I feel like I'm running out of people to talk to, that I can't trust anyone (I'm sure this is related to the guy I was dating at the time not doing what I needed him to do), and really symptoms of paranoia that my rational self knows isn't true, but the racing thoughts come and I attempt to stop them with mindfulness, positivity, and all that stuff (Been doing CBT for 2-3x week) and stuff.

I was a pretty spiritual person before this (all connected, bits of the universe, Neil Degrasse Tyson shit), and now it feels like I'm just... scared of everything all the time. When I write or talk to people it kind of subsides and I know that it's because it activates different parts of the brain, but I feel like I have a predisposition to self sabotage and one of these days I'll just lose it at my job or with someone I care about or even myself. I don't want to die guys, but the suicidal stuff is really heavy. I used to be such a social and fun loving person, (free-spirit), smart and brave (I've ridden my bicycle halfway across the country by myself), and now I feel like the day in and day out is so incredibly surreal and shitty and overwhelming that I want to jump out of my own skin sometimes. I've literally been brought down to my knees.

I'm resourceful and creative and I think that this has creating a perfect shit storm of cornering me into an anxiety corner that feel inescapable. Mindfulness works, but sometimes I'll look at what reality is and my expectation of wanting it to be better makes it seems like "what's the point" because I can't appreciate the trees, the water, nature, like I used to and it hurts me very, very deeply.

I want to believe in something because belief in nothing is dangerous for me, but believing in the unknown freaks me the hell out. I know, I know, I sounds like I'm a paranoid person and it pains me deeply to feel this way myself because I know it's irrational.

Here are the facts:

Sleep: 6-7 hours a night; I do wake up once a night to pee like clockwork not sure what time though because I don't bother checking in order to reduce anxiety (but if I work out too late I can barely sleep more than 2-4 hours. I assume this is because cortisol levels are raised)
I feel that this is a real good sign of recovery, but what I feel and think during the day makes me feel otherwise (like it might take me a year, and I can't... I just can't accept that yet I guess because I'm such an impatient person)

Anxiety and DP/DR: usually worse in the morning mid-afternoon. I have floaters and was having vision problems prior to this so I went ahead and got glasses since I do work at an office on the computer most of the time. This change in perception really fucks with me too sometimes, but I have to completely rationalize EVERYTHING all the time and it's just so much fucking energy.

I went through the hypochondriac phase already too. Had bad allergies, popped a claritin and felt like I had fucking LOST it (not sure if it was because I read that it might cause symptoms of nervousness in people or because I felt I couldn't break myself to calmness). I ended up getting a neti pot of sorts and just do that and the nasal spray religiously everyday to not have to take any allergy meds, and it got so bad that I would wear like a bandana based on the allergy forecast just to make sure. I'm aware this may be excessive but that's better than putting any meds in my body at this point. Now, I'm afraid of eating too much carbs or bad shit (still kind of am, just staying away from carbs and slowly reintroducing shit that's whole foods, if you will). Also masturbated and felt great and then had the most intense thoughts of suicide the same time later.

And here's the real fucking kicker. Even though I'm depressed and anxious, I've always been a deeply sympathetic and empathetic person. There are times where I cannot literally take shit that people say even though it's bound to happen. My ex's brother's dog died and I felt FUCKING devastated. I don't know if this has to do with the fact that I'm a female or not, but I feel like this shit is way way worse. I'm going through this LTC, a breakup, and the general hormonal fluctuations it comes with being a woman. I've lost weight from eating healthy which has always been welcomed but everything has changed so fast that it feels like I'm in some kind of goddamn nightmare that I can't wake up from, or that I'm already dead and this shit is what is left (I know it's irrational, but it's what my asshole brain like to think when I'm at my worse) and I feel incredibly alone and I would love to be able to talk to someone who can offer some words of wisdom and advice for when the going gets tough.

My brain has been so used to playing devil's advocate for everything (this is why I was always nice to anyone no matter what; I prided myself in this and now I can barely feel connection to anyone which fucks with me so hard) and it has the tendency to continue to do so with this as well. Routine used to kill me, and I think it still does, but doing anything too far out of the ordinary causes anxiety because it challenges my perception of reality in my DP/DR state.

My comprehension is all there for the most part. I can only not focus when I'm too busy being anxious about how long I'm going to be this way. When I get bored at work, I start researching like nuts because... well it's seems to "calm" me down. I've always been a good student and liked researching but only the things that interest me or are needed to reach a specific goal. I have no goals anymore other than to get better so that's why I research "how to get better". I do meditate (headspace) and it does help, but I'm not sure I can meditate my way through this the whole fucking time. I'm exasperated and fragile, yet volatile and self deprecating.

Got a physical (I know it wouldn't show anything, but just in case), and all vitals are fine. I know I don't have anything life threatening other than my own mind turning on itself and anxiety which leads to the former. I don't want to take any meds, and exercise sometimes feels like I'll be panicked, but I just get through it.

I'm occasionally able to enjoy stuff, but I have to rationalize it. Like the vast complexness of the world and earth and planets and shit gives me anxiety... it's overwhelming to watch nature shows (and who knows maybe it's triggering because the meltdown that happened from weed was in the snowy mountains of Washington followed by being off the grid for two days with someone else's family, tell me if that ain't some shit).

Talking about it, really, helps bring me back, but how often can you bug the same people about it before even you start getting frustrated and they don't understand? They can sympathize but there's no empathy. And thus, I'm here, asking for some email buds or something or words of encouragement or at least someone that can say "yeah, I had that paranoia too but it went away." Or something like that. I am accepting that I won't be the same person again and hope to come out stronger out the other end but this paranoia and anxiety matched with my desire to be connected to other and the universe is not a good combo. Sometimes I feel like people aren't real, and I know that's irrational because my fear is making that thought up and the fact that I feel real means it's real. But yeah... Help?

Also the good days I went out and didn't drink (but really wanted to) and I danced/rode my bike (shit I used to enjoy). But I rode my bike another time and didn't feel the same and that fucked me up too (I had thoughts of jumping off a bridge... my intrusive thoughts are fucking AWFUL, like so demented and fucked up they make me feel so so bad). My biggest fear is ending up in a mental institution because of this. So yeah, baring my soul here when I should be trying to do work and keep my job instead of getting worse rather than better due to researching and being on forums.... Can anyone help?

Lastly, I had a ton of separation anxiety but that's mostly gone now. If I'm super tired I guess I get what you call brain zaps but I'm not really sure what that is and I'm not trying to research it more. Sometimes I feel like if I get too hot or too cold it makes me anxious. So mindfulness in those situations doesn't particularly help.

Has anyone else had these crazy thought processes? I know this is all a result of anxiety at this point, but shit, sometimes it's just... insurmountable when there's a highly analytical mind pushing you to the edge.
 
I recently came down with "floaters" once my anxiety went up and to be honest I think its hyperawareness at least in my case. In fight/flight mode my brain "went looking" for something to be anxious about and there it was right in front of my eyes no pun intended lol.

Was walking down the street and randomly became hyperaware of these things that didnt seem to exist before. And this is mid LTC so I have the knowledge at least that its not some "damage" though I got it checked anyways.

Also @cotcha

Besides the 5-HT genes do you reckon the COMT catecholamine genes also play some role?
 
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Recoverybear,

Sorry to hear you're going through this with the rest of us. You've definitely come to the right place! I haven't found any anywhere else on the web that has such a strong community of people trying to help each other through this crap. I don't even know where to begin but I will say that reading your story felt like I was recalling my whole LTC word for word except I'm a guy. So know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling right now.

I want to start off by saying you have to believe that it's not going to be this bad forever. Myself and a lot of us here felt that same way but eventually, with enough time, the symptoms lessened and became tolerable. Some people like Amml and Cotcha have made amazing progress and their stories should give you some hope. They give me hope.

My LTC started after Coachella of last year and for the first 7 months I went through the OCD/anxiety research every thing 24/7 phase. Unfortunately it's really common cause we get it in our heads that we've caused permanent brain damage which leads to the downward spiral of self loathing. My old positive internal dialogue was silent and had been replaced with a broken record playing in the background of my mind. It would be on repeat 24/7 as if it were a separate consciousness. It always said the same thing "You've fucked up, you ruined everything, your life is over, you're already dead, you should just kill yourself". The only way I made through that was by trying my best to remember how the old me would have dealt with it. Just because I had become disconnected from my old identity didn't mean I couldn't use the lessons I had learned then to help me now. My hobby used to be research. I would just learn and explore whatever knowledge I could find from physical geography, astronomy, and biology to philosophy and religion. I used to be so in touch with myself and everyone around me that I saw how we were all connected but also more importantly I felt those connections. I can't feel them anymore and yes that destroyed me on some level but I know they are there and that's what gets me through the tough times. I should add, that even with that knowledge, the thought of suicide was still present at times but I told myself that if I can't keep going for myself then at the very least I owed it to my friends and family to go through the motions of life. I just treated life like a job that I wanted to get better at. I don't know if that's the best approach but it worked for me.

Something happened around the 8th month that gave me hope. I was in deeper despair than usual for a week but then the next day I felt okay. I don't think it's what you would call happy but I didn't feel permanent despair. I feel like that was my brain recalibrating and lowering the bar for happiness. I felt that my brain threw me into the depths of a depression that I hadn't experienced before and then when I felt anything slightly better than that my psyche interpreted it as a sense of "contentment". This was a replacement for the joy I used to feel. These feelings of dread would come in waves followed by longer periods of contentment. Since then I've improved much more but a full recovery still feels far off.

I just wanted to summarize some of the key things that I went through. I hope they help a little. You touched on a lot of stuff that we can discuss through email if you'd like. There are a lot of other people here with much more knowledge about the mechanics of LTCs than I and they will definitely help you out.

I'm approaching the one year mark in April and while the anxiety and deeper depression have subsided I still feel like I'm not my old self. The important thing is that I have improved. I never thought I'd get this far when I used to be where you are now. I'd read and reread these success stories and I felt with every fiber of my being that it'd be impossible for me to get half way to some form of normalcy like they did. I can tell you that it is possible but it just takes time and support. Your friends might not understand but they will still be there to help you no matter how much you go to them with the same concerns. If by some chance they do get fed up then you can count on us cause we know exactly what it's like to go through this and we won't let you or anyone struggle alone.

Here's my email for anyone that wants to talk. [email protected]
 
Glad to read that many people are slowly recovering! It's a sloooooooooooooooooow process. Not a linear recovery by any means as well. So that 5 year recovery point is becoming more and more understandable, because in 2 years I have recovered leaps and bounds, so tack on another 3 and I'll probably forget the damn thing ever happened. I posted this in the previous thread, but it always helps to put a face to a name in this situation so if you want to check out my instagram or chat on there my IG is: anthonyyfisherr. I've already chatted with several other people, and I'm always surprised by how normal we all are besides this hidden LTC ;)
 
Amml,
Thanks for the insights! I've been slowly getting those moments of joy but they feel hollow or shallow. I worry that since I've come this far without the SSRI that I may be close to something resembling a recovery and that the treatment might affect me negatively and I'll lose what I've gained. At the same time I also feel that my progress has stopped and I need just as little push over this hill. So I took the middle road and ordered some really great brands of St. John's Wort and curcumin. I'm gonna see how those treat me. I'm also taking Bacopa, 5htp occasionally, and L theanine.

I'm pretty sure the theanine supplement cured my anxiety by silencing my ruminations long enough for those negative thought loops to lose their footholds. It's called theanine supreme if anyone is interested. I highly recommend it! I was hoping you could recommend an iboga supplement.

One aspect of my LTC I forgot to mention was that the 3 years leading up to it I was working 100hrs a week with no real vacations except for edc and Coachella. I was on call all night and started work early during the day. Sometimes I only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep. It was hard on my relationship and myself but it wasn't anything I felt i couldn't handle then. I was always just that positive of a person that I found joy in even the most stressful of moments. Once the MDMA started to chip away at that joy I think I started to feel the burnout you speak of. I should have listened to my body and mind cause leading up to that last Coachella I felt something was off. I thought I was invincible and I couldn't have been more wrong lol.

Here's to hoping that the curcumin and wort works!
 
Hey guys decided I would come back every six months and post a status update. Yesterday marked one year and six months since last MDMA and every other drug and alcohol use for me. I am doing way better than I was even six months ago.....I still have bad waves but they are seemingly less severe and my good waves have been seemingly more frequent. I haven't taken any medications and I am refrainging from doing so unless something in my recovery changes for the worse......I don't want any unnecessary set backs and I fear SSRIS could do that.....please correct me if you think otherwise......I have dealt with literally every symptom in the LTC " book " so trust me I know where all of you are coming from. I will update every six months guys hopefully I continue on the upward rise. For now I will leave you with hope. I feel pretty good as of late and have felt true recovery is possible....so keep going guys. Everyone who is just beginning or under a year even I can promise you it does get better....slowly but surely it gets better but by bit. You will have ups and downs. Just press through the downs the ups will come
 
See though burnout is at least caused by identifable factors. This I have no idea.

Ive consistently tried to modify my thoughts for 1-2 weeks and I still don't "feel" anything.....

Its very dissapointing not to see any results.
 
socrilus said:
See though burnout is at least caused by identifable factors. This I have no idea.

Ive consistently tried to modify my thoughts for 1-2 weeks and I still don't "feel" anything.....

Its very dissapointing not to see any results.
Click to expand...

First I thought I'd share an interesting quote since you've said before that you have a need to know what exactly is causing the symptoms

"Rumination is a cognitive process that involves repetitively focusing on the causes, situational factors and consequences of one’s negative emotion, and it is a potent risk factor for depression."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4940187/

Anyways, if your primary concern is anxiety/panic attacks, a practice like vipassana (essentially mindfulness but using the breath as an anchor) might take a bit longer to learn and apply effectively because we tend to forget to be mindful and breath slowly through our stomachs etc once we're on the verge of a panic attack.

I'm definitely not saying it's the perfect cure, and everyone's symptoms are different, but I wouldn't count out mindfulness/vipassana.

You also have neural situations where some brain cells are supposed to inhibit the stress response, and antidepressants can help strengthen those brain cells over time.

Normally glucocorticoids (cortisol) have a negative feedback function - they increase the activity of the hippocampal neurons and this increases the inhibitory effect that the hippocampus has on the HPA axis. But a sustained elevation of glucocorticoids can atrophy the hippocampal neurons, and then the inhibitory effect of the hippocampus on the HPA axis decreases.

In this manner, the effect of acute glucocorticoid administration (which may temporarily lift depression) differs from chronic stress.

A large part of how depression therapies like SSRIs work is by exerting a pro-growth and protective effect on the hippocampus (which takes a little while, hence the delay in improvement with SSRI treatment).


If mindfulness can help with panic attacks in a person, over time it will have a protective effect on the hippocampus and will help more new neurons migrate to the hippocampu but this effect may not be realized right away.
 
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