Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

[simco]

How long do you have simco? Congrats on all of your progress.

Tomorrow will be exactly seven weeks. That's hard for me to believe! Thanks, CH!

 

[simco]

PAWS has gone from bad to worse for me in recent days. Yesterday I drove around in the countryside, weeping like a baby with the music blasting. I ended up copping, I was so desperate. But, thank god for naltrexone...after I copped, as I was getting ready to use, I thought about the strong likelihood that the relapse wouldn't even get me high. I told myself to back off and wait till today, when I could withhold my naltrexone if I still really wanted to release some pressure. When time to take today's naltrexone came around, I really really really thought about skipping it. But I just took my dose now, so am insulated for another day or so. Thankfully, the compulsion to use is less strong today. Hoping it continues to back off.

I've heard so many people shit-talk naltrexone, claiming it's a tool of the twelve-step/rehab industry... while I admit that it wouldn't be effective (and could be genuinely cruel and dangerous) for people coerced into taking it, experiences like this--where I need something to reduce the effect of rash decisions--remind me how helpful naltrexone is in my case. I feel like a dodged a bullet.

Now I just gotta convince myself to get rid of the bag.

Hmm, somehow this post became a cheerleading session for naltrexone. That's not originally what I intended... I meant to communicate how close to relapse I am right now.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Nothing wrong with advocating for what works for you simco! I'm glad you ended up turning a potentially traumatizing experience into something helpful and positive!

For the record, my beef with naltrexone is when people compare it to something like ORT (buprenorpine or methadone). They are TOTALLY different medications for totally different purposes. When prescribed and used properly, all have wonderful utility as options for people in recovery. The trick is respecting their differences. Given the state of "addiction medicine" in my country, it is no wonder these medications are so misunderstood and either too broadly used or under-utilized.

Keep up the good work simco!

 

[simco]

...
For the record, my beef with naltrexone is when people compare it to something like ORT (buprenorpine or methadone). They are TOTALLY different medications for totally different purposes. When prescribed and used properly, all have wonderful utility as options for people in recovery. The trick is respecting their differences. Given the state of "addiction medicine" in my country, it is no wonder these medications are so misunderstood and either too broadly used or under-utilized.
...

I couldn't agree more. And thanks for the kind words, TPD!

 

[herbavore]

Hey simco, that was a really strong day you had (the day you ended up copping but not using).

As far as NA goes, I hope that you can just quietly defy the zealots. Let them do what they need to do for themselves but hold onto what you know you need. I know exactly what you mean about the comfort of the "dingy room and stained chairs". When I used to go to al-anon, I felt better as soon as I got there, no matter what happened. I realized that it was because I knew that this couple of hours was a time where I would not have to pretend anything. I could be honest and I could hear others doing so as well. It's an unusual kind of communion in human society. I also was turned off by the few people that only seemed capable of speaking when it was in NA jargon. But I got so much more from those meetings than the dogma--and I think in large part it was simply setting aside this time to fully open myself up to the changes I was trying to make. That is all you are doing--whether you are driving around in your car crying (healthy!) or developing strategies like "I'll wait until tomorrow" or sitting in a meeting--you are changing, opening to new ways of thinking, feeling and being. That's hard work! It is never straightforward and rarely clear on the surface but I swear our hearts know where we are supposed to be going even in those times when our minds do everything possible to trick us off the path.

One of the best things to come out of AA?NA IMO is the "one day at a time" (even when it is literally one minute at a time). Each time you find new ways to cope with cravings you are developing mental muscle. You know crying in my car was some of the best therapy I've ever had. I used to do it all the way to work at my little country school. It was something about getting in the car that felt isolated and safe enough I guess--whatever it was, the tears could not be stopped and that was probably a very good thing.

Hang in there.

 

[simco]

I had the pleasure of taking a Greyhound bus through a good portion of the US Midwest yesterday. It had been AGES since I'd ridden a Greyhound. Geez, it was like a tour of America's desperate and strung out. People fixing in the station bathrooms, homeless camps dotting the edges of the big cities.

I had also completely blocked out the fact that it was on a Greyhound that I did my first drugs besides booze and weed. I was a kid (probably 12 or 13), riding from San Francisco to Reno. Some dude (totally adult) latched onto me and gave me weed and pills...probably some kind of 80's pharmaceutical speed, b/c we talked for hours. I can't believe he didn't molest me, though I'm 99% sure he didn't. Damn, though, that was sketchy.

I just mention all this b/c I found the experience kind of exhilarating but also triggering. I'm not proud of it (I think it's paternalistic and condescending to others), but part of what I enjoyed about heroin was its inherent deviance. Without any reason to score or use, I just don't see that fringe of American fabric any more. I guess I kind of miss the adrenaline and general feeling of alienation from a world I don't like very much to begin with.

 

[simco]

[warning... whining to follow]

Woke up at my usual ~3:30 a.m. feeling very discouraged today. I guess there are two things going on.

1. The fact is, I'm getting restless in my recovery. Life seemed pointless when I was strung out. But somehow dope struck me as a viable response to the pointlessness. With the drugs gone, the world still has no meaning. I feel like all I do each day is resist cravings. This must be the depression talking... it's hard to see much point. I try to tell myself that things will change for the better, that eventually I'll have the energy to have actual passions again. But these days, that's a tough sell. Don't know exactly why.

2. I'm realizing that I'm accumulating resentment at folks in my support network, especially my wife. I need to stress that I ADORE my wife. But an irrational part of me is pissed that I can't use any more 'because of her.' Likewise with the other friends and family who have my back. When I say that I stopped because of my wife, what I mean is that I knew I'd lose her and everything I (at least used to) care about if I let the addiction advance farther. More acutely, my wife administers my daily naltrexone pills. And my friend piss tests me every other days. I talk on the phone with various family/friends on different days of the week. All of this is my safety net; the only way I've managed to succeed as much as I have. But it's starting to feel invasive and coercive...though I wouldn't ask them to stop. I know I need this. I'm just bitching.

The worrisome part is that, for me, this kind of anger and resentment is the royal road to a run. When I get to feeling small and caged up, I act out. I don't want that to happen this time. I can see the writing on the wall, and I need to change it. Fast.

 

[the last dose]

[warning... whining to follow]

Woke up at my usual ~3:30 a.m. feeling very discouraged today. I guess there are two things going on.

1. The fact is, I'm getting restless in my recovery. Life seemed pointless when I was strung out. But somehow dope struck me as a viable response to the pointlessness. With the drugs gone, the world still has no meaning. I feel like all I do each day is resist cravings. This must be the depression talking... it's hard to see much point. I try to tell myself that things will change for the better, that eventually I'll have the energy to have actual passions again. But these days, that's a tough sell. Don't know exactly why.

2. I'm realizing that I'm accumulating resentment at folks in my support network, especially my wife. I need to stress that I ADORE my wife. But an irrational part of me is pissed that I can't use any more 'because of her.' Likewise with the other friends and family who have my back. When I say that I stopped because of my wife, what I mean is that I knew I'd lose her and everything I (at least used to) care about if I let the addiction advance farther. More acutely, my wife administers my daily naltrexone pills. And my friend piss tests me every other days. I talk on the phone with various family/friends on different days of the week. All of this is my safety net; the only way I've managed to succeed as much as I have. But it's starting to feel invasive and coercive...though I wouldn't ask them to stop. I know I need this. I'm just bitching.

The worrisome part is that, for me, this kind of anger and resentment is the royal road to a run. When I get to feeling small and caged up, I act out. I don't want that to happen this time. I can see the writing on the wall, and I need to change it. Fast.

I have some of the same symptoms brotha i have a quick temper now which aint good with where my bp is been lately and i get no more than 2 to 3 hours sleep a nite without a xan. Hang in there this has to have a turning point going back would only lead you to disaster. Its a long fuckin road but we gotta keep walkin in the right direction. I bought a nice pair of Koss bluetooth headphones before i started wds i gotta say i have them on my head for hours and hours ive been listening to music i loved from the early 90s Mind Funk, Soundgarden. AIC, and my metal side Maiden, Ozzy, SOD, Tool, Godsmack, Black label Society endless good music its been a great distraction for me. Hang in there bro its gotta get better!. TLD

 

[simco]

Thanks, @TLD! Speaking of old metal bands, I love your avatar. Hail Satan!

I know you're right. I gotta figure out a way to make it through today. I'm going to go to an NA meeting at noon, and then I've got my evening outpatient rehab at 5:30. Meanwhile, I just took my daily naltrexone pill, so even if I DID use, it wouldn't work. And nevertheless, here I am considering which ATM is closest b/c my car is awol today, and I can't quit thinking about copping.

 

[the last dose]

Thanks, @TLD! Speaking of old metal bands, I love your avatar. Hail Satan!

I know you're right. I gotta figure out a way to make it through today. I'm going to go to an NA meeting at noon, and then I've got my evening outpatient rehab at 5:30. Meanwhile, I just took my daily naltrexone pill, so even if I DID use, it wouldn't work. And nevertheless, here I am considering which ATM is closest b/c my car is awol today, and I can't quit thinking about copping.

You will forget in time you have to distract yourself somehow with hobbies music anything try not to be idle long stay busy brotha! in the long run you will be so happy not to live dose to dose anymore. and hell yeah Maiden number of the beast 666 TLD

 

[VastEmpty]

Oh, Sim. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Especially with the surviving just to fight off cravings. I guess this is what is known as PAWS. We should start a PAWS thread with a warning for all the whining that will commence. I swear to god the saying "it's easy to get clean but hard to stay clean" is taking on a whole new meaning for me.

And I hate complaining at almost 3 months - I don't want to discourage anyone coming behind me.

By the way, I don't think it's a good idea for me to taper off my SSRIs at this point. I think I need to get to a place where I want to live again before tackling that one. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow...

keep on fighting Sim. This is when we have to trust everyone who is ahead of us that it does get better. I'm fighting with you. And for the same reasons as you.

- VE

 

[simco]

Thanks SO MUCH, ve. Means the world. I really like how you put that.

 

[simco]

So yesterday was unpleasant. But in the end, the experience was positive overall. I didn't use my healthiest coping mechanisms; but I *did* manage to make it all the way through without any real damage to my progress. And the cards were stacked against me, in terms of many of my weak points getting pushed... e.g. ...A friend had borrowed my car and was MIA. It was freeze-ass cold, so I was pretty much stuck in the house. My wife was at work all day, so I was alone (and my buddy with the car is my second go-to in terms of crisis moments). It had been an emotional weekend, and I'm learning that my emotional rebounds from such things are often delayed in onset. All in all, it was really hard to get myself feeling strong.

Nevertheless, I managed not to do anything too dumb or impulsive. There really wasn't any trick to it. It was just ugly stubbornness. I broke the day up into roughly 1-hour chunks, and just tried to make it from one of those to the next. Spent time on the couch drawing. Another block of time snuggling with my dog on the floor (actually, several of these). A nap that was really more just me lying there pretending to be unconscious for a while. A few little walks out and about. Some reading. Some music.

It wasn't a day I'd want to do very often. And I better get creative again about honing my coping skills. But I'm glad it came out OK.

Special thanks to @VE and @TLD... you guys really helped!!!
Sim

 

[VastEmpty]

Hey Sim!

I hope your day was good. Check in when you can!

herb - such great advice, as always. I have a question about crying - has it ever hurt you to cry? Like physically hurt? It hurts me. I get stabbing pains in my eyes (really, more like in my tear ducts). I'll have to google it and see if I'm broken. It certainly wouldn't be the first part of my body that was broken! I just thought you might know for some reason...

- VE

 

[the last dose]

Way to hang in there Sim! boredom is my worse times those are the times my headphones go on and i walk or lift weights. And i went from a emotional wreck during end of ween and wds crying bullshit for no reason to now i seem to have a short ass temper. Maybe its because i see things clearer now after ops and call out bullshit when i see it now i have to control it with my bp rebound problems. Im three weeks tommorow feels more like i havent touched a opioid in six months. Your lucky you have a dog my dog died in 2003 at 15 years old i use to call her my first born god i miss her life with a dog definitely helps im happy you have one hang in there sim! one day at a time stay strong brotha! TLD

 

[simco]

Hey Sim!

I hope your day was good. Check in when you can!

herb - such great advice, as always. I have a question about crying - has it ever hurt you to cry? Like physically hurt? It hurts me. I get stabbing pains in my eyes (really, more like in my tear ducts). I'll have to google it and see if I'm broken. It certainly wouldn't be the first part of my body that was broken! I just thought you might know for some reason...

- VE

FWIW, last summer, when my depression was really out of hand, I had a bunch of panic attacks that were different from other ones I've experienced. With these, I would cry for what seemed like forever, desperately. The weird thing about them was: usually for me, crying makes me feel better at least for a little while. Some kind of endorphin boost, I always assumed. But with these, no relief came. Eventually, my eyes would start to ache during these bouts.

 

[simco]

Way to hang in there Sim! boredom is my worse times those are the times my headphones go on and i walk or lift weights. And i went from a emotional wreck during end of ween and wds crying bullshit for no reason to now i seem to have a short ass temper. Maybe its because i see things clearer now after ops and call out bullshit when i see it now i have to control it with my bp rebound problems. Im three weeks tommorow feels more like i havent touched a opioid in six months. Your lucky you have a dog my dog died in 2003 at 15 years old i use to call her my first born god i miss her life with a dog definitely helps im happy you have one hang in there sim! one day at a time stay strong brotha! TLD

Three weeks! Awesome, TLD!!! Yes, I'm just a couple weeks in front, and it feels like forever.

As for my dog, I totally hear you. My little guy is the light of my life. I *adore* him. But before this dog, I had another one quite a few years ago. When he died, I was so destroyed emotionally that I didn't have a pet for over 10 years. I just couldn't do that again. It's been wonderful letting this little guy back into my life. Actually, he's not very little...90 lbs of chaos 8(. But I love him.

 

[simco]

Things are really rocky. I think I'm going to stop trying to taper my zoloft...I doubt that's what's fucking me up, but I think I wasn't being realistic when I envisioned quitting it.

I just feel very stuck, depressed, and generally pissed in my recovery right now. This week, it seemed like thinking about drugs was all I could do. Getting to the point where I'm even wondering if I shouldn't just "surrender" myself to NA completely. i.e. Maybe they're right, and my only hope for a successful recovery is to bow down to The Program.

More realistically, though, I'm sure that if I did that, I'd burn out quickly and go back to using with a vengeance.

Sorry, this post is pretty lame. I haven't been writing much this week b/c there aren't very many ways to say "I'm fantasizing about/craving dope all the time."

 

[simco]

Today is my 60-day mark, free from opiates.

I suppose I'll go to an NA meeting today and grab a key tag... at least that's something to do. Man, at this point, I feel like my days involve inventing ways to kill time until I'm ready to go to bed. Yes, I'm off dope, but this is not a model I want to continue with for long. I'm just hoping that riding out this rough patch will eventually bring me to some better times.

 

[VastEmpty]

Sim -

wow, HUGE congratulations on the 60 day mark! I know it's doesn't "feel" like that big of an accomplishment cause I passed that milestone and it felt like just another day - sometimes we have to force ourselves to be proud of our accomplishments!

I hope that you feel better soon. I hope that all of us in recovery are able to live that life we hoped for when we started this process. It's all about putting one foot in front of the other and moving along regardless of how we feel.

Best set of luck, Sim. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

- VE