Ethical Dilemma

[Moreaux]

I'm really torn about where to post this, but I am in great turmoil. My parents are in their mod 70's, and we are very close and always have been. The reality of the situation is that they are getting older and don't know how much more time they have left. They have begun the process of thinning out their possessions and as I am an only child I have first dibs on everything. Well tonight my Mom wanted to clean out her cedar chest so we went through it together and I pulled what I wanted. This really really sucks and is horribly painful, and I try hard to keep it together when I have to go through their stuff as I want them, not their stuff. There were a lot of really cool cloths from the 60's which I took as I don't really have memories of my Mom wearing them, but they fit and are really nice vintage suits, jackets and skirts. My Mom will never be that size again and hasn't been that size since she had me 40 years ago. The dilemma is with respect to her fur coats. I have always been against fur (I used to bitch when she would wear them around me), but she gave me several of her coats. These are very sentimental to me as I have so many fond memories of her wearing them, and they were very very important to her as she grew up in extreme poverty (food was an issue) and they represent security to her I think. Because of the memories, and the fact that even after all these years they still smell faintly of Chanel No 5, I want to keep and also wear them, but just touching them makes me sad because of the animals that were sacrificed. On one hand the animals are dead and are not coming back, and throwing them away is not going to bring them back (to make matters worse, she commissioned these coats overseas as they were endangered species...I know). On one hand I don't want to support the fur industry, on the other my Mom has worn these coats for most of my life and they are horribly sentimental - the most sentimental cloths that she has. I want to wear them because of the sentimental factor, but I am so appalled by the fact that they are fur. It's horrible and gross that they exist, but just wasting them makes the loss of life even more appalling. Getting rid of the coats is not an option. This sucks on so many levels and I absolutely hate it. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Please no mean or sarcastic responses because I am very sensitive about this, and am depressed because I had to go through some of her things in preparation for her dying. Thank you!

 

[rainyday107]

Bummer, I lost my post.

Definitely take the coats! It is sentimental and no new animals were sacrificed. Don't stress a minute over it. It's not "bad" ... I am sorry times are hard.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Just keep them but you don't need to wear them... they're memories.... they're part of your mom... she wants you to have them.

You wanting to hold onto memories and your mother's belongings =/= you supporting animal cruelty.

 

[tokezu]

I don't think it's unethical to keep and even wear them. As you said yourself, not doing so wouldn't bring those animals back and I guess it could even be argued that now that these fur coats exist they should be used. Would the slaughter of those animals be even more senseless, if the fur coats aren't even worn by anyone? I really don't know.

But a totally different matter is how you would personally feel about keeping/wearing them. Analogous to this I would think it makes total sense if a vegetarian decides to eat meat that would have been thrown away otherwise. The problem is not the using of animal products that are already there, but whether or not you encourage the ongoing production of those. Still I would assume many vegetarians couldn't bring themselves to eat that exemplary piece of meat, because they just can't shake the thought of the suffering that is connected to it. So if the thought of wearing or even just keeping them is just too much for you, I think you are under no obligation to do so. Maybe your mother doesn't realize that this offer is putting you in such a tough spot?

If you are thinking about actually wearing them, have you considered how other people might react? They might just throw an insult at you and not even give you an opportunity to explain yourself. Would you be willing to risk being in those kind of situations?

Not sure if any of this helps, sorry that must be a really tough situation for you.

 

[TheAppleCore]

If you are thinking about actually wearing them, have you considered how other people might react? They might just throw an insult at you and not even give you an opportunity to explain yourself. Would you be willing to risk being in those kind of situations?

This was the first thought that came to my mind. The only issue I see is the potential to be negatively judged by people on the basis of your clothes. You won't have the chance to explain yourself to random passersby on the street, but you should be able to clarify the situation to the people whose judgment really matters, like friends and employers. Plus, how does anyone know that it's not faux fur, unless you tell them?

You would be supporting the fur industry by purchasing a brand new fur coat, but you're not doing so by merely wearing a coat that your mom bought years ago.

I say, take the coats, wear the coats, and don't beat yourself up about it.

 

[Moreaux]

Thank you guys! Your comments have made this much easier. I think I'm going to ask my Mom not to give me her stuff on holidays because it makes me sad and to give it to me on nonspecial occasions. She gives me something, usually some of her jewelry on Christmas as she thinks it's a special time. However, she is doing this to make sure I receive the items, in the event of her death she doesn't trust that I would get everything. I'm sensitive regarding my parents aging and cry if I think about them passing however brief, so getting early inheritance is tough, especially when it's a family thing and everyone is there watching me as I try to keep it together.

I will probably wear the furs as it really does make the loss of life even more pointless if the coats just languish in my cedar chest. If people hate on so be it, though I have to admit I give people dirty looks when I see someone in fur. This has really gotten me thinking about lifestyle choices and while I am a vegetarian I do also wear/use leather because of its durability. I think moving forward I will be more mindful about all products and will avoid leather and other animal products where the animal is killed, and only get humanely sourced wool etc (if it exists).

I think the biggest positive coming from the coats has been getting me to consider the products I buy/use. While I don't eat meat and only buy cruelty free organic products (make up, hair dye, household cleaners, garden and lawn stuff, etc) my wardrobe was not really a consideration aside from organic cottons and moving forward I will be more mindful and considerate, though I am still going to use the leather items I have.

Thanks again guys, you were really a big help!

 

[d1nach]

I dont believe it is in anyway unethical. Like the native americans when they killed buffalo they didnt recklessly kill them and when they did they used every last part of the buffalo. I think the most respectful thing you can do for those animals is to cherish and make use of their fur because so long as you are using the coat your minimizing the waste from their death.

 

[MazDan]

Reading between the lines, I get the impression your greatest concern is........ what will other people think.

Now I cant tell you how to deal with that thought process but I can tell you how I deal with it.

When I was about 13 years old I was waiting for a bus with many other people when a mate came up and "pants" me. This involves sneaking up behind grabbing my trousers and yanking down firmly to the ankles leaving me out there for all to see.......it embarrassed the shit out of me.

When I got home, naturally the experience consumed me but it turned out to be a very valuable experience. I searched deep inside for what the real problem was......I was not in pain, I would still eat that night and the sun would come up tomorrow. So what was the problem? And for the first time in my life I realised that it was only a problem in my head and that what happenned in my head was 100% able to be controlled by me. I realised that the chances of ever seeing any of those people again were a million to one so who cares what they saw or what they thought. And anyways why should I care anyways?

And so I began to evolve my own ideas on me and the relationship with the rest of the world.

Now I dont know if that has helped you or not, I hope so. My ideas are that I dont give a crap what anyone thinks of me. I do however give a massive crap about what I think of me. I make sure I always do my best to live up to the standards I set for myself because the harshest and only judge of me is me. Nobody else has the right to judge me until they have walked a mile in my boots.

Oh and just for the record, I would wear the fur coats and quite happily get into a serious discussion with anyone who wanted to challenge me. The lesson that can be taught to the challenger here is nothing to do with the fur coat.........its everything to do with walking that mile.

 

[nuttynutskin]

You're not supporting the fur industry by keeping them... She's the one that bought them, not you. Hold on to them if nothing more than for sentimental value would be my advice. As far as wearing the, that's your discretion. Some people might give you looks or potentially say something but you can tell them that your mom gave them to you for sentimental value and to fuck off.

 

[withlove]

you aren't the problem with the fur industry, its not people like you who actively work to challenge it and not purchase into it. These coats are vintage, vintage fur is a whole other story and these are also part of memories you have and cherish from your mother. I really wouldn't stress over this, there arent even any militant vegans i know who'd tell you to not keep them if they bring you comfort given the circumstance.

also from what i have been told, when people get old they really like knowing where there stuff is going, it helps them know its getting passed on and not thrown out. It gave my grandmother great comfort to know i would have things of hers and that should could pass them on to me and i would take care of them. so while its sad, its a really nice thing to be able to do for your parents.

 

[zephyr]

I have my grandmothers furs in storage. They are from the 1920's and 30's. They were a status symbol and high fashion in her era. When she was alive my older sister was very vocal about her distaste for such things and didnt want to know about them and this made my nan feel awful as the animals they came from were regarded as vermin back then and things were different.

We are in Australia and the climate is warm and furs are impractical. We dont need furs.

I keep them as they remind me of my nan and wont throw them away or sell them.

 

[d1nach]

I really do think the best way you can care for the animals is to keep them. There is a difference between wasting life and using prices from a life when death is out of your Control.if someone is fatally killed in a car accident it's not promurder to use their organs to save someoneelses. I know I'm just repeating myself but I think even the most hardcore animal lovers would agree when the Indians used every lastpeice of the Buffalo and did so sustainably and with respect for the life that was lost that gave them these things that is nothing like irrespinbily mass hunting animals for a tiny piece and just tossing the rest away. The longer you keep using it the more respect you show that you value that animals lifeno matter what people think.

 

[Sadie]

Just keep them but you don't need to wear them... they're memories.... they're part of your mom... she wants you to have them.

You wanting to hold onto memories and your mother's belongings =/= you supporting animal cruelty.

I couldn't have said it better. They are part of you. Sadly those animals died but that was decades ago. You're not advocating anything, if anything you're respecting the life they sacrificed as well as appreciating your mother. No about of ridding yourself of the furs will bring the animal back.

Keep them. You don't have to wear them but you can appreciate them not only for your mother but the animals that provided those memories.

TL: DR you can't change the past. At least appreciate the memories.

Sorry for your loss. Still there

 

[Jabberwocky]

Some great advice here. I just lost my grandmother and had a similar dilemma when it came to her small collection of Chinese ivory sculptures. For the reasons highlighted in this thread, I decided to keep them. I won't sell them, and display them proudly in my little library room. They are very sentimental to me, reminiscent of a great matriarch.

Follow your heart Moreaux! Hold this fear of the impending loss of your loved ones with the tender care I know you have in abundance. Remember there is no rush when it comes to mourning. You'll come to terms with things in your own time, especially once things have happened with great finality.

Most importantly, I hope you continue to carry on and try to enjoy and make the most of your time with your parents. Have you considered talking to them about their feelings regarding their deaths?

My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's not too long ago. Though he has years left to live, he is - not at all unwisely - getting all his affairs in order. What is sad is that the since he knows how and has a fairly accurate perception of when he will die, it seems like he has become more depressed than usual and is beginning to act like he is waiting to pass away instead of striving to make the most of the substantial time he has left.

The point is, talking with him about my concerns has helped him become more aware at just how much he is really struggling to come to grips with his recently discovered condition. It was not exactly a surprise to me, something like this happening, as I have noticed he has not been in good health for some time. But understandably it is very, very difficult to come to grips with things. And, just as importantly if not more so, it has helped me to understand his situation and get to know and appreciate the man my father has in fact always been (the fact he hasn't been a big figure in my life has made this difficult in the past).

Food for though.