Binge drinking - lightheadedness
- Thread starter tired of crap
- Start date
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I am so happy to have put down the cigarettes (for good I think) and have started vaping again. The vape stuff has gotten SOOOOO much better in the last few years. $100 can get you a great, extremely satisfying setup. Actually you can probably find something that works nearly as well as anything for well under that.
I also find smaller more frequent healthy meals to work better than less larger meals. I feel better with four to six very small healthy meals a day than I do with three larger meals. As long as I have three regular meals and perhaps a bit of banana or something for a snack in the afternoon I'm generally good though.
What is your diet like these days TOC?
I also find smaller more frequent healthy meals to work better than less larger meals. I feel better with four to six very small healthy meals a day than I do with three larger meals. As long as I have three regular meals and perhaps a bit of banana or something for a snack in the afternoon I'm generally good though.
What is your diet like these days TOC?
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
nd misery loves company, so please stay a minute .... funny how eminem comes to mind everytime i hear that phrase now... Though i dont listen to such negativity much these days)....
Well i managed a work out and to stay well fed... Im a smaller dude but damn if i dont eat every 3 hours I fall apart at the seams ...
After shopping i visited some friends for a bit. I turned down a toke as I feel like ive been smoking too much.. usually less than 3 x a week but thats more than Id like.
I was hoping to have a quiet weekend as i did so much driving last week.. but i got roped into helping my exs dad with his duct work... He helped me move, so i owed em one... And hes a good guy anyways
... Next weekend wont be any better either as i gotta head up to my dads place to put on snow tires (and well likely stay all weekend...). No rest for the wicked i suppose
Well i managed a work out and to stay well fed... Im a smaller dude but damn if i dont eat every 3 hours I fall apart at the seams ...
After shopping i visited some friends for a bit. I turned down a toke as I feel like ive been smoking too much.. usually less than 3 x a week but thats more than Id like.
I was hoping to have a quiet weekend as i did so much driving last week.. but i got roped into helping my exs dad with his duct work... He helped me move, so i owed em one... And hes a good guy anyways
... Next weekend wont be any better either as i gotta head up to my dads place to put on snow tires (and well likely stay all weekend...). No rest for the wicked i suppose
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Im the same tpd. If im on track im usually at about 5 small meals.
My diets alright. Id say about 80 % healthy ish... I definitely eat pasta and cheese upon occasion... And when im feeling lazy ill grab a pizza, perhaps once a week... But its definitely improving, and i notice when i regress.
One thing i noticed was a lack of healthy fats in my diet... How? Why? ... Well i noticed i was constantly hungry, even eating 5 meals... And considering what i eat, usually chicken, rice or quinoa and veg... Fat was the only group missing..
so im trying to incorporate more healthy fats into each meal - flax with my oatmeal... Safflower oil or coconut (less so due to the degree of saturation) in my stir frys (except i dont fry, i just reheat ha)...trying to use olive oil on my salads... But man ... Im nkt liking it much ... And then sunflower seeds or organic peanut butter with my snacks
My diets alright. Id say about 80 % healthy ish... I definitely eat pasta and cheese upon occasion... And when im feeling lazy ill grab a pizza, perhaps once a week... But its definitely improving, and i notice when i regress.
One thing i noticed was a lack of healthy fats in my diet... How? Why? ... Well i noticed i was constantly hungry, even eating 5 meals... And considering what i eat, usually chicken, rice or quinoa and veg... Fat was the only group missing..
so im trying to incorporate more healthy fats into each meal - flax with my oatmeal... Safflower oil or coconut (less so due to the degree of saturation) in my stir frys (except i dont fry, i just reheat ha)...trying to use olive oil on my salads... But man ... Im nkt liking it much ... And then sunflower seeds or organic peanut butter with my snacks
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
That is one of the hardest things I struggle with in terms of my diet - getting enough healthy fats I mean. Good fish in my area is very hard to come by. Nuts can be good, but one has to be careful about portions, and it's very easy to overdo it with too much nuts.
Flax is amazing. I used to put that in pretty much everything. Same with chia seeds (not quite as healthy, but still pretty good - plus they are fun to cook with; they make for a great base for puddings). There are lots of similar seed type foodstuffs that are great. They aren't even as cost prohibitive as they used to be, although IME it's still best to get this sort of thing at specialty/higher quality food stores like Whole Wallet.
Flax is amazing. I used to put that in pretty much everything. Same with chia seeds (not quite as healthy, but still pretty good - plus they are fun to cook with; they make for a great base for puddings). There are lots of similar seed type foodstuffs that are great. They aren't even as cost prohibitive as they used to be, although IME it's still best to get this sort of thing at specialty/higher quality food stores like Whole Wallet.
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
As far as i know we dont have Whole Wallet up this way...
When I first read that though I ran a little fantasy number, a slogan of sorts:
"We offer only the finest foods, so be prepared to empty your Whole Wallet" ha
...
So another busy weekend away from home.
Ended up at my daughters grandparents on her moms side. Dave, her grandpa, was the only one whod commit to helping me move, so when he asked for help, I felt obligated. I mean, hes always been good to me, so why not?
But being away from home is difficult as no one respects our eat/sleep schedule. And my daughter ends up a ravenous, exhausted monster. But we survived.
..
After dropping her off yesterday I had to come up to my dads to put on my snow tires. At the time o was quite apprehensive and not sure why. But on the drive i came to realize a few things about why....
Dad is always so high strung. And it usually leads me to regress to my old escapist ways - constantly being stoned, drunk or eating his meds.
Which leads to my next reason... Last time i was here i noticed i had ate almost all of his tramadol (over the last few visits) and ive been avoiding coming up because hes bound to have noticed by now... When i first got here, he was away, and i went to the cupboard, simply outta habit. The bottle was gone, so he obviously noticed... Honestly im not sure if i should just admit it or let it slide?
And finally... This was the time moms health really began to slide last year and coming home always stirs up emotions surrounding that whole ordeal. Part of me wants to avoid these feelings but the other wants to process and deal and let go.
...
I asked my brother if he was around - trying to avoid staying at my dads... But he never got back to me. So i resigned to staying at dads..
Dad was his typical high strung self but as always he ignored my drug abuse and nothing was said about the tramadol.
I had planned to change the tires after he went to work (so it wouldnt be so stressful) but he insisted on helping and we did them super early, despite my concern for the neighbours "oh f*** them" he says...
Now... Im??? Well im glad ive been clear headed lately as im able to process the emotions surrounding my mom...
But I think its time for a run along the water again... Being up here always reminds me how much i miss being close to nature... i cant wait to get outta the city
When I first read that though I ran a little fantasy number, a slogan of sorts:
"We offer only the finest foods, so be prepared to empty your Whole Wallet" ha
...
So another busy weekend away from home.
Ended up at my daughters grandparents on her moms side. Dave, her grandpa, was the only one whod commit to helping me move, so when he asked for help, I felt obligated. I mean, hes always been good to me, so why not?
But being away from home is difficult as no one respects our eat/sleep schedule. And my daughter ends up a ravenous, exhausted monster. But we survived.
..
After dropping her off yesterday I had to come up to my dads to put on my snow tires. At the time o was quite apprehensive and not sure why. But on the drive i came to realize a few things about why....
Dad is always so high strung. And it usually leads me to regress to my old escapist ways - constantly being stoned, drunk or eating his meds.
Which leads to my next reason... Last time i was here i noticed i had ate almost all of his tramadol (over the last few visits) and ive been avoiding coming up because hes bound to have noticed by now... When i first got here, he was away, and i went to the cupboard, simply outta habit. The bottle was gone, so he obviously noticed... Honestly im not sure if i should just admit it or let it slide?
And finally... This was the time moms health really began to slide last year and coming home always stirs up emotions surrounding that whole ordeal. Part of me wants to avoid these feelings but the other wants to process and deal and let go.
...
I asked my brother if he was around - trying to avoid staying at my dads... But he never got back to me. So i resigned to staying at dads..
Dad was his typical high strung self but as always he ignored my drug abuse and nothing was said about the tramadol.
I had planned to change the tires after he went to work (so it wouldnt be so stressful) but he insisted on helping and we did them super early, despite my concern for the neighbours "oh f*** them" he says...
Now... Im??? Well im glad ive been clear headed lately as im able to process the emotions surrounding my mom...
But I think its time for a run along the water again... Being up here always reminds me how much i miss being close to nature... i cant wait to get outta the city
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I know what you mean when you talk about feeling obliged to help a family member but that being stressful and counter productive at a certain point in terms of your own health and recovery. It's a really tough situation.
Basically it's the same one I'm in with my own dad. With him, I know he just loves having me around even if I dip into some of his meds (cannabis, and especially his GBP, although he doesn't seem to use much GBP so it's not like I'm keeping him from getting his medication). It's inappropriate I'm taking someone else's medication period, but it would be doubly so if he needed to take every pill himself... Iono I just really don't like taking anyone else's meds considering I used to be a bit of a thief in that regard - I don't want to engage in that kind of behavior and it leads me to feeling like a bit of a piece of shit which just makes me want to use more drug which I definitely don't need as an influence right now. I know he understands and just appreciated having me around considering I'm doing so much better in all regards (especially in terms of ethically questionable choices), but it's still difficult for me considering a lot of the guilt I have surrounding my relationship with him, as well as other/prior difficult aspects to our relationship.
Hopefully you can let your family know you need help in terms of managing relationships with family. Even if you feel strong obligations, perhaps in part due to prior unethical behavior there is some guilt surrounding, your other relatives have obligations to help out with family too. It isn't fair or reasonable for anyone to have expectations along the lines of you having to be there for them all on your own, without a helping hand when you need it.
Have you tried reaching out and talking about some of these issues with anyone? It sounds like your family is generally on the more supportive side of the spectrum, so that is a huge leg up, but it still sounds quite difficult. And understandable, but that doesn't doesn't necessarily make it any easier. But it's super important to communicate our needs and feelings surrounding them clearly to family members. Not in terms of "I don't like that you do X behavior," more so in terms of "when I experience X it makes me feel Y."
I know with my own recovery, I have to be very, very careful with the amount of time I spend around my parents and family. It just causes so much stress - anxiety on everyone's part really defines a lot of my parental and familial relationships. And that's been the dynamic long before drugs ever came into the picture or I started to really struggle. Anxiety can be very hereditary.
I hope you're able to continue to be sensitive to your own needs related to stress and recovery when it comes to dealing with your family. Especially considering it sounds like they would totally understand if you where to explain to them how it's difficult for you. I doubt anyone in your family, especially not you daughter's grandfather, wants to cause you stress even if indirectly. It's easy to feel like I need to have perfect relationships with my family members, especially with the obligations I feel as a son, but that kind of perfectionism is so entirely counter productive.
I'm no good to them if spending time with them causes me more stress than I'm able to handle. With more time and effort working on myself I have developed a higher tolerance to the stress I experience around my folks, but I've a long way to go yet.
Sounds like you're best devoting as much energy to continue working on improving your own health/psychology/QOL as opposed to devoting that effort to repairing familial relationships. But it's a balancing act for sure, as just ditching family isn't really appropriate either.
It's telling you have the pull to spend more time in nature - that means you've both identified healthy ways of coping and still have a need to put your primary effort into taking care of your own wellbeing prior to being there to support some family members. This might make one feel like one isn't good enough or doing enough as a son or relative, but it's important to come to terms with. Because you'll be far less available to be there for family when you are struggling to just be there for yourself.
How are you feeling about the holidays coming up?
Those are very often are among the most stressful times of year for many people. Being proactive protecting yourself from sources of stress that increase around this time of year is always really important for me. Sometimes that means limiting the amount of time I spend with family, but it also means making sure I make sure to take good care of myself when I do chose to spend time with them. I often feel like I wish I could spend more time with family and continue putting my efforts into creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships with my parents, but like I said if I'm not able to take care of myself I'm not of much good to them either. It's just the reality I live with.
The positive side of that is that, as I continue to put my own health first in all my relationships with other people, I continue to develop more fulfilling, healthier relationships with my family. As my own health improves, I become more of the friend and family member - and especially the kind of son - I so want to become. It's slow going sometimes, but nothing if not a process. Progress, not perfect, right?
Basically it's the same one I'm in with my own dad. With him, I know he just loves having me around even if I dip into some of his meds (cannabis, and especially his GBP, although he doesn't seem to use much GBP so it's not like I'm keeping him from getting his medication). It's inappropriate I'm taking someone else's medication period, but it would be doubly so if he needed to take every pill himself... Iono I just really don't like taking anyone else's meds considering I used to be a bit of a thief in that regard - I don't want to engage in that kind of behavior and it leads me to feeling like a bit of a piece of shit which just makes me want to use more drug which I definitely don't need as an influence right now. I know he understands and just appreciated having me around considering I'm doing so much better in all regards (especially in terms of ethically questionable choices), but it's still difficult for me considering a lot of the guilt I have surrounding my relationship with him, as well as other/prior difficult aspects to our relationship.
Hopefully you can let your family know you need help in terms of managing relationships with family. Even if you feel strong obligations, perhaps in part due to prior unethical behavior there is some guilt surrounding, your other relatives have obligations to help out with family too. It isn't fair or reasonable for anyone to have expectations along the lines of you having to be there for them all on your own, without a helping hand when you need it.
Have you tried reaching out and talking about some of these issues with anyone? It sounds like your family is generally on the more supportive side of the spectrum, so that is a huge leg up, but it still sounds quite difficult. And understandable, but that doesn't doesn't necessarily make it any easier. But it's super important to communicate our needs and feelings surrounding them clearly to family members. Not in terms of "I don't like that you do X behavior," more so in terms of "when I experience X it makes me feel Y."
I know with my own recovery, I have to be very, very careful with the amount of time I spend around my parents and family. It just causes so much stress - anxiety on everyone's part really defines a lot of my parental and familial relationships. And that's been the dynamic long before drugs ever came into the picture or I started to really struggle. Anxiety can be very hereditary.
I hope you're able to continue to be sensitive to your own needs related to stress and recovery when it comes to dealing with your family. Especially considering it sounds like they would totally understand if you where to explain to them how it's difficult for you. I doubt anyone in your family, especially not you daughter's grandfather, wants to cause you stress even if indirectly. It's easy to feel like I need to have perfect relationships with my family members, especially with the obligations I feel as a son, but that kind of perfectionism is so entirely counter productive.
I'm no good to them if spending time with them causes me more stress than I'm able to handle. With more time and effort working on myself I have developed a higher tolerance to the stress I experience around my folks, but I've a long way to go yet.
Sounds like you're best devoting as much energy to continue working on improving your own health/psychology/QOL as opposed to devoting that effort to repairing familial relationships. But it's a balancing act for sure, as just ditching family isn't really appropriate either.
It's telling you have the pull to spend more time in nature - that means you've both identified healthy ways of coping and still have a need to put your primary effort into taking care of your own wellbeing prior to being there to support some family members. This might make one feel like one isn't good enough or doing enough as a son or relative, but it's important to come to terms with. Because you'll be far less available to be there for family when you are struggling to just be there for yourself.
How are you feeling about the holidays coming up?
Those are very often are among the most stressful times of year for many people. Being proactive protecting yourself from sources of stress that increase around this time of year is always really important for me. Sometimes that means limiting the amount of time I spend with family, but it also means making sure I make sure to take good care of myself when I do chose to spend time with them. I often feel like I wish I could spend more time with family and continue putting my efforts into creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships with my parents, but like I said if I'm not able to take care of myself I'm not of much good to them either. It's just the reality I live with.
The positive side of that is that, as I continue to put my own health first in all my relationships with other people, I continue to develop more fulfilling, healthier relationships with my family. As my own health improves, I become more of the friend and family member - and especially the kind of son - I so want to become. It's slow going sometimes, but nothing if not a process. Progress, not perfect, right?
Last edited by a moderator:
aihfl
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2015
- Messages
- 2,834
I have to keep my mother at arm's length. If I allow it, she just brings chaos into my life which is not good for someone who's sobriety is as shaky as mine is. My therapist told me that I have a tendency to bend over backwards to help people to my own detriment and that I've just got to learn to tell people "no" when warranted.
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Ah, going to help my exs Dads isnt thattt bad. He and his wife are good people and always very kind. I interpret (is that the right word?) most of the stress when visiting. But they dont understand the importance of a proper routine with my daughter (as neither has had any children of their own, which theyve raised anyways) and that presents many difficulties. I have talked to them about ot but they merely dismiss it - as I find most of my relatives do. Mainly due to the fact that "we dont see her much, its ok to spoil her, its only one weekend."
Yes, my dad and i have had our share of difficult moments. Mostly in my teenage years. Now weve come to accept each other but his constant bickering, negativity and high strung nature are still difficult to be around. Hence my reluctancy to visit since hes bounced back from his heart surgery. ... But i also feel for him because hes dug himself into a hole because of this aspect of himself. He has but 1 friend, barely talks to his brother and rarely talks to his dad. And my brother has not been able to forgiven him for the plethora of wrongs he has committed against us and our mother.
Im curious tpd whats gbp?
Yes, i too have been guilty of thieving pills from relatives im the past and it has weighed on me. But given my dads unwillingness to accept pain medication i didnt feel too awful until i realized just how many I had pilfered. Then i was embarassed and filled with guilt and reluctant to visit.
I can relate to being better able to handle stress when Im healthier. This visit was my least stressful yet - as i am so much healthier (though Ive still got a long way to go). This visit I took the necessary me time and went for a couple of runs on some of the beautiful trails up that way. Its amazing how beneficial exercise in nature has been and continues to be. We have some decent trails here actually (and i need to get out on them more - thats my goal this week) but they arent quite so vacant given the difference in population density.
Im kinda excited about the holidays though i know theyll present challenges - as this will be the first christmas without mom. Like youve mentioned though so long as I continue to be proactive with my health i forsee no major hiccups in my recover.
How about you tpd, any holiday plans? When is your thanksgiving anyways?
...
Yes aihfl, I too am learning that No is an acceptable answer. Though ive never been one to go out of the way to please my dad. Hes always been too much of a d***.. unfortunately i even went out of my way as a teen to purposely frustrate him. At the time i felt it was only fair given the years of "abuse" we were forced to endure.
However i do have a problem saying no to my close friends. But as i realize the importance of putting my own needs first (when its necessary to ensure my own health), it becomes easier. Thankfully they are great friends and understand, when im not able to help for this reason.
Yes, my dad and i have had our share of difficult moments. Mostly in my teenage years. Now weve come to accept each other but his constant bickering, negativity and high strung nature are still difficult to be around. Hence my reluctancy to visit since hes bounced back from his heart surgery. ... But i also feel for him because hes dug himself into a hole because of this aspect of himself. He has but 1 friend, barely talks to his brother and rarely talks to his dad. And my brother has not been able to forgiven him for the plethora of wrongs he has committed against us and our mother.
Im curious tpd whats gbp?
Yes, i too have been guilty of thieving pills from relatives im the past and it has weighed on me. But given my dads unwillingness to accept pain medication i didnt feel too awful until i realized just how many I had pilfered. Then i was embarassed and filled with guilt and reluctant to visit.
I can relate to being better able to handle stress when Im healthier. This visit was my least stressful yet - as i am so much healthier (though Ive still got a long way to go). This visit I took the necessary me time and went for a couple of runs on some of the beautiful trails up that way. Its amazing how beneficial exercise in nature has been and continues to be. We have some decent trails here actually (and i need to get out on them more - thats my goal this week) but they arent quite so vacant given the difference in population density.
Im kinda excited about the holidays though i know theyll present challenges - as this will be the first christmas without mom. Like youve mentioned though so long as I continue to be proactive with my health i forsee no major hiccups in my recover.
How about you tpd, any holiday plans? When is your thanksgiving anyways?
...
Yes aihfl, I too am learning that No is an acceptable answer. Though ive never been one to go out of the way to please my dad. Hes always been too much of a d***.. unfortunately i even went out of my way as a teen to purposely frustrate him. At the time i felt it was only fair given the years of "abuse" we were forced to endure.
However i do have a problem saying no to my close friends. But as i realize the importance of putting my own needs first (when its necessary to ensure my own health), it becomes easier. Thankfully they are great friends and understand, when im not able to help for this reason.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
GBP = medical lingo, short hand for gabapentin
I'm actually looking forward to my thanksgiving this year. I normally go down to see my dad and have it with him, but this year I'm going to have it with my mom and a number of good friends will be there (normally I only have thanksgiving with family, many of whom I don't necessarily enjoy the company of - this year that is totally not happening): my mom, me, the woman who is basically my god mother and helping me pay for graduate school (amazing generous, loving and supportive woman my mom has known since she was a teenager), two Chinese buddhist nuns (one of whom I've become close with, even had a short lived sort of boyhood crush on 8)), a Serbian undergraduate student I've become friends with, and a friend from my program who is also in recovery and his SO.
But the cool part is we are having the actual meal at a botanical gardens, so the setting is going to be amazing. Good company and an absolutely amazing setting (they make the place look super special for holidays like this) is going to make for an amazing time I think. I have a feeling it's going to be a very special event for the people I invite, particularly the nuns and my friend who's in recovery (he's been struggling recently so I think he'll enjoy some good family oriented R&R like this, considering his family is all the way across the country and he has to be very careful to limit contact with them for the sake of his own wellbeing).
Haven't really planned Christmas yet, but I'll be spending time with my dad for that as it's kind of a tradition of ours. My mom is Jewish so I don't feel so guilty spending Christmas with my dad, especially considering I'll be doing thanksgiving with her. Sometimes having parents who got divorced is a pain in the ass, but it is what it is. With my dad living in another city that is really nice, it's certainly a good excuse to travel somewhere nice.
Welcome to my life 8)
I'm actually looking forward to my thanksgiving this year. I normally go down to see my dad and have it with him, but this year I'm going to have it with my mom and a number of good friends will be there (normally I only have thanksgiving with family, many of whom I don't necessarily enjoy the company of - this year that is totally not happening): my mom, me, the woman who is basically my god mother and helping me pay for graduate school (amazing generous, loving and supportive woman my mom has known since she was a teenager), two Chinese buddhist nuns (one of whom I've become close with, even had a short lived sort of boyhood crush on 8)), a Serbian undergraduate student I've become friends with, and a friend from my program who is also in recovery and his SO.
But the cool part is we are having the actual meal at a botanical gardens, so the setting is going to be amazing. Good company and an absolutely amazing setting (they make the place look super special for holidays like this) is going to make for an amazing time I think. I have a feeling it's going to be a very special event for the people I invite, particularly the nuns and my friend who's in recovery (he's been struggling recently so I think he'll enjoy some good family oriented R&R like this, considering his family is all the way across the country and he has to be very careful to limit contact with them for the sake of his own wellbeing).
Haven't really planned Christmas yet, but I'll be spending time with my dad for that as it's kind of a tradition of ours. My mom is Jewish so I don't feel so guilty spending Christmas with my dad, especially considering I'll be doing thanksgiving with her. Sometimes having parents who got divorced is a pain in the ass, but it is what it is. With my dad living in another city that is really nice, it's certainly a good excuse to travel somewhere nice.
Welcome to my life 8)
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Your holidays plans sound legit. Thanksgiving at a botanical gardens sounds beautiful.
I often wonder about the effect separeting from my ex will have on my daughter but we ve managed to remain cordial thus far, so im hoping it wont be too much of a pain in her ass moving forward.
...
So despite all the progress im making in so many aspects of my life there are still a few areas that ive identified as needing improvement.
1 - my schedules gone to hell. Its all over the place. And i really do benefit from a routine.
2 - im being really lazy in regards to school work / hobbies. I waste most of my day away - watching tv or browsing social media. And given i only have 1 class theres no reason i cant fit my hobbies in as well.
I really need to come up with a schedule that includes school work as well as all the other activities that i benefit from - and stick to it. While im not stressing about school if i dont get to work soon i will be come exams.
I know ive screwed my loans up but whatever... Im just so thankfully that im able to take this time to work on myself. Im not sure how successful i would have been if i had had a fulltime job that required any sort of thinking.
.. but alas ifs and buts are not candy and nuts... So im counting my blessing.
I often wonder about the effect separeting from my ex will have on my daughter but we ve managed to remain cordial thus far, so im hoping it wont be too much of a pain in her ass moving forward.
...
So despite all the progress im making in so many aspects of my life there are still a few areas that ive identified as needing improvement.
1 - my schedules gone to hell. Its all over the place. And i really do benefit from a routine.
2 - im being really lazy in regards to school work / hobbies. I waste most of my day away - watching tv or browsing social media. And given i only have 1 class theres no reason i cant fit my hobbies in as well.
I really need to come up with a schedule that includes school work as well as all the other activities that i benefit from - and stick to it. While im not stressing about school if i dont get to work soon i will be come exams.
I know ive screwed my loans up but whatever... Im just so thankfully that im able to take this time to work on myself. Im not sure how successful i would have been if i had had a fulltime job that required any sort of thinking.
.. but alas ifs and buts are not candy and nuts... So im counting my blessing.
aihfl
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2015
- Messages
- 2,834
TPD your Thanksgiving plans indeed sound wonderful. I don't have any plans. I was thinking about going to see my mother, but I was asked to take part in a performance of Georges Bizet's Carmen and there's a rehearsal the day before Thanksgiving so traveling is out of the question. Plus I got in huge argument with her last night because she's insisting that I go to treatment for one year plus and that just ain't happening. She talks out her ass. She's got no idea how expensive that would be and when the chips are down she's not going to support that.
TOC, I am having the same issues you are. I'm in dire financial straits at the moment so returning to IOP is out of the question until I get my income tax refund. I just sit and watch MSNBC and surf bluelight most of the day and ruminate on my problems which leads to taking a benzo and chain smoking. I really need to get this shit resolved and move on.
TOC, I am having the same issues you are. I'm in dire financial straits at the moment so returning to IOP is out of the question until I get my income tax refund. I just sit and watch MSNBC and surf bluelight most of the day and ruminate on my problems which leads to taking a benzo and chain smoking. I really need to get this shit resolved and move on.
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Take part in a performance of Carmen aifhl?
The name rings a bell but im not familiar with the arts ... Do you play an instrument, sing, act?... Dance?
Seems like your mom means well but as you said sometimes it may be best to keep her at arms length.
What is iop?
Have you ever tried meditation aifhl?
Im being unproductive in many ways but I do manage to get around to my routine (most days). Out of everything i now include in my routine i believe meditation was the most beneficial, especially during the first few weeks. It helps me to avoid the constant dwelling on my issues - which would previously give me a case of the fuck-its and lead to poor decisions.
Im really not versed on tapering off alcohol and if i understand correctly those benzos were perscribed for this but just be careful not to replace one habit with another man ... Im sure youre aware and mindful of this... Just saying man
The name rings a bell but im not familiar with the arts ... Do you play an instrument, sing, act?... Dance?
Seems like your mom means well but as you said sometimes it may be best to keep her at arms length.
What is iop?
Have you ever tried meditation aifhl?
Im being unproductive in many ways but I do manage to get around to my routine (most days). Out of everything i now include in my routine i believe meditation was the most beneficial, especially during the first few weeks. It helps me to avoid the constant dwelling on my issues - which would previously give me a case of the fuck-its and lead to poor decisions.
Im really not versed on tapering off alcohol and if i understand correctly those benzos were perscribed for this but just be careful not to replace one habit with another man ... Im sure youre aware and mindful of this... Just saying man
aihfl
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2015
- Messages
- 2,834
Carmen is a "warhorse" opera about a fickle Spanish gypsy girl and her hapless lover who deserts the military and joins her band of thugs to be with her, long story short. I had a career as an orchestral musician until I drank and drugged myself out of it.
IOP is intensive outpatient program. The reason I say my mother talks out her ass is that I found a program several years ago I really wanted to go to called High Watch Farm in Connecticut. She reassured me cost is no issue but when I told her High Watch Farm was $8k for 28 days (which is downright affordable for an inpatient rehab) but the caveat was they didn't deal with insurance she indignantly said, "Do you think I'm made of money???" So fuck her.
Yes, I used to do yoga. Once I get some money I'll rejoin the gym and start going again. I used to go several times a week. I have a book on meditation by a Tibetan monk that one of my friends gave me and there is a weekly Refuge Recovery meeting where I live now.
I'm aware of the issues with benzos. I'm actually prescribed them for acute panic attacks which is what is happening to me now. I don't want to have to keep taking them because I am aware of the addiction/tolerance issues.
IOP is intensive outpatient program. The reason I say my mother talks out her ass is that I found a program several years ago I really wanted to go to called High Watch Farm in Connecticut. She reassured me cost is no issue but when I told her High Watch Farm was $8k for 28 days (which is downright affordable for an inpatient rehab) but the caveat was they didn't deal with insurance she indignantly said, "Do you think I'm made of money???" So fuck her.
Yes, I used to do yoga. Once I get some money I'll rejoin the gym and start going again. I used to go several times a week. I have a book on meditation by a Tibetan monk that one of my friends gave me and there is a weekly Refuge Recovery meeting where I live now.
I'm aware of the issues with benzos. I'm actually prescribed them for acute panic attacks which is what is happening to me now. I don't want to have to keep taking them because I am aware of the addiction/tolerance issues.
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Sorry man, didnt mean to come off as preachy about the benzos.
What instrument did you play? Do you still practice about the house? .. i was never one to be able to hold a tune or carry a beat.
Gyms are expensive. I cant afford the gym or yoga or meditation classes... I just practice/exercise at home these days - it presents challenges but we gotta make due.
...
One of my goals this week was to get out and about in nature more - be it running or simply walking/hiking.... So i managed a decent run this morning. I wanted another but im not sure itd have been wise because im still sore from my strength exercises yesterday. So i went for a brisk walk just now. It was nice.
But now im feeling???
Lonely i think.
Seeing couples (or people with dogs...ha.. as silly as that sounds) made me realize im in need of companionship.
Ive been keeping in touch with friends more frequently but its not the same. Its been a year and a half since my ex moved out but we were merely living together for years before that, for the sake of my daughter and now ... Now id like to think im ready to date again but its been so long (over 10 years).
Ive created online dating profiles on various sites/apps. I can strike up a conversation, carry on with the chit chat... But then i just let it fall to the wayside and never meet anyone... Funny just as im typing this one of the ladys i was chatting with but i let the conversation stall just messaged asking if id like to meet up for coffee.
Im not sure what to do... Thoughts?
What instrument did you play? Do you still practice about the house? .. i was never one to be able to hold a tune or carry a beat.
Gyms are expensive. I cant afford the gym or yoga or meditation classes... I just practice/exercise at home these days - it presents challenges but we gotta make due.
...
One of my goals this week was to get out and about in nature more - be it running or simply walking/hiking.... So i managed a decent run this morning. I wanted another but im not sure itd have been wise because im still sore from my strength exercises yesterday. So i went for a brisk walk just now. It was nice.
But now im feeling???
Lonely i think.
Seeing couples (or people with dogs...ha.. as silly as that sounds) made me realize im in need of companionship.
Ive been keeping in touch with friends more frequently but its not the same. Its been a year and a half since my ex moved out but we were merely living together for years before that, for the sake of my daughter and now ... Now id like to think im ready to date again but its been so long (over 10 years).
Ive created online dating profiles on various sites/apps. I can strike up a conversation, carry on with the chit chat... But then i just let it fall to the wayside and never meet anyone... Funny just as im typing this one of the ladys i was chatting with but i let the conversation stall just messaged asking if id like to meet up for coffee.
Im not sure what to do... Thoughts?
aihfl
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2015
- Messages
- 2,834
Oh I didn't think you came off preachy about benzos. I appreciate the concerns. I seem to be doing better today - I've only taken 1.
My instrument was oboe. I don't really practice anymore (I practice more piano than oboe) but I'll need to look at Carmen. I haven't played it in about 7 years.
I was into the online dating thing but somewhere along the line I realized I'm just too fucked up right now to be in a relationship. When I split with my last girlfriend a year ago, that was the first time since 1995 I haven't been in a relationship or married. The prospect of being alone was terrifying and I selfishly thought, "now what am I going to do for sex?" I'm ok with it now. I've got to fix myself before I have something to offer someone else. But I'm with Sim. Go for the coffee date!
My instrument was oboe. I don't really practice anymore (I practice more piano than oboe) but I'll need to look at Carmen. I haven't played it in about 7 years.
I was into the online dating thing but somewhere along the line I realized I'm just too fucked up right now to be in a relationship. When I split with my last girlfriend a year ago, that was the first time since 1995 I haven't been in a relationship or married. The prospect of being alone was terrifying and I selfishly thought, "now what am I going to do for sex?" I'm ok with it now. I've got to fix myself before I have something to offer someone else. But I'm with Sim. Go for the coffee date!
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Honestly i had to look up what an oboe was .. looks like a super complicated clarinet (though im sure thats not doing it any justice). Would you be playing the oboe for carmen or the piano?
The concern that im too fucked up to be in a relationship is definitely something thats holding me back. Despite all the progress ive made im not certain that id be able to offer much to a relationship (doubt). But for some time now ive felt that thats been whats missing. But at the same time i question if my longing for companionship (desire) will make me vulnerable.
And then part of me thinks stop thinking so damn much and just see where it goes. Coffee (though i never touch the stuff ha, but actually ive never had a cup) is just coffee, not commitment.
The concern that im too fucked up to be in a relationship is definitely something thats holding me back. Despite all the progress ive made im not certain that id be able to offer much to a relationship (doubt). But for some time now ive felt that thats been whats missing. But at the same time i question if my longing for companionship (desire) will make me vulnerable.
And then part of me thinks stop thinking so damn much and just see where it goes. Coffee (though i never touch the stuff ha, but actually ive never had a cup) is just coffee, not commitment.
tired of crap
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 26, 2009
- Messages
- 1,289
Well my ind