• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Binge drinking - lightheadedness

So since I updated last Ive done well with my morning routine but given my school load I fell off the exercise wagon - oops! - plan is to get back on it this week.
Mornings have still been difficult, Friday, was horrid - we had planned a nice day where we would both skip school and go for a hike and picnic etc but morning came and my daughter blew up (because she was to stay with me for the weekend as she had a party she wanted to attend in town and thus wouldnt see her mom). Eventually we made it for our hike but mornings like that really take the wind out of my sails - theyre just so exhausting mentally and emotionally.

The weekend was nice - we went swimming and hiking with the neighbors and their kids and we (the adults only haha) all had a little trip - it was nice connecting with everyone. However the 2ce left me with a tension headache all day yesterday that I just couldn't shake so I eventually took an advil before bed.

Doing poorly on my organic chemistry midterm (I left studying too late and hadnt even finished the assigned readings - but I did well on what I had studied) was stressful and recognizing my desire to drink afterwards I conceded to a toke instead. It was been a while since I drank last and I can feel the habit slowly fading as I integrate other means of stress relief into my life.

My goals for this week include getting back into exercise, finishing a project early (its due friday), cutting back on smoking (i honestly cant afford that habit either but its been indispensable in helping me quit drinking) and continuing with my morning routine.

TOC
 
Its only wednesday but i am happy to report ive found my exercise grove. I find releasing physical tension helps to slow my thoughts and thus think more clearly.

As i integrate my weekend trip i realize that i realized (haha while tripping) that Ive been kinda lonely lately and id love to have a partner to share these (and other) experiences with. However Im not sure if Im ready for a relationship and even if I was, a side from online dating im not sure how to meet new like minded people, other then to keep doing what Im doing. But sometimes I get inpatient ...

Also my daughter told me last weekend that she is going to move to her moms for the weeks and me with the weekend. I knew this was inevitable because she always wanted a sibling (and her mom just had a baby). And despite the difficulties we have been having Im still kinda hurt (that she would choose her mom)? I know I shouldnt take it personally but....

Despite being free from drinking for about 6 weeks now, I can see old me saying fuck it and drinking away my days on the couch for I have nothing left to not drink for. I know this is not the case and drinking will solve nothing but the idea of just giving up right now seems like the path of least resistence.

Who knew this would be such a long battle (wait, didnt I?)....
 
What's you're exercise routine looking like?

That sounds really hard about your daughter wanting to leave, regardless of whatever it should be. I think the way you're feeling about it, while you obviously recognize that stuff isn't going to do you or your little one much help in the long run, the way this makes you feel now is simply the way it makes you feel how. I have confidence you'll find your way with that just as you are in your recovery. They're so closely interrelated after all, your recovery and positive self indetification as a parent and father.
 
Yup, my return to meditation was just in time (last week). I find it ever so helpful in recognizing my emotions as they happen and not spiralling out of control with my emotions and thoughts during these tough times, which would then typically lead to me drinking to escape the anxiety that would accompany the constant negative thoughts

My exercise routine typically consists of 3 days with alternating full body workouts (squats, bench and deadlift or squat, row and military press), 2 days of biking to school, core exercises (mostly planks) and yoga, 1 day of 15 min of high (more like medium haha) intensity intervals and 1 day off. And ill typically try to get a walk or bike in woth my daughter on school days and as many walks/hikes as possible on weekends.

Im happy to report that I managed to pull myself out of yesterdays funk. I tried to avoid smoking and went for a run with my daughter after school (she biked) but after dinner i caved. Boy am I glad I did (id never have said that about drinking). I ended up not being able to sleep because I was thinking. So i got up, did some writing and realized i was being hard on myself. Life has been full of stressful changes lately and all things considered Im quite happy with my progress and my current situation.

Today is much better. :)
Until next time

Much love
TOC
 
I don't think anyone could ask for more :) Nice work!

Reading your post it is super apparent how passionate and involved you are in what you're doing to improve your stake in life. Makes me smile.
 
Thanks tpd

Theres a couple reasons for that
1) I gave drinking such a go, and I was pretty good at it.. So now I figure why not invest the same amount of energy (albeit positive this time) into myself. After all, Im worth it (we all are :) ).. I quote Ferris Bueller "A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in ‘Beatles’, I just believe in me.” .. and

2) a few years back I told myself Id be in the best shape of my life by 30. Kinda of a silly goal. Despite being completely unachievable now (it was possible 2 years ago, but 30 at the end of august is coming up quick), so....I figure why not aim for 31.
 
Sounds like a very worthwhile goal.

I'm basically in the same boat: who do I want to become in my 30's? That is a question that informs most of my actions these days. My 20's where an absolutely shit show, didn't accomplish anything truly meaningful to me other than graduating college. I've had to spend the last three or four years of my 20's positioning myself with what I want to do with professional life to such that I feel very ready to enter my thirties later in the year.

It's going to be such a better decade :) I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd defined my goals so clearly when I was younger. But such is life...
 
Worth while yes. But sort of silly. Reminds me of Fight Club
"... guys trying to look like men, as if being a man means looking the way a sculptor or an art director says"

What is it that you want to do professionally tpd?
...
So today marks the first day that my daughter isnt here on a week day in a long time (save when she was on vacation, etc).
We had an awesome weekend. My daughter had a friend over for a night, we hungout with friends and even got some outside time in in between the rain - hiking and swimming.

In light of her departure yesterday I decided to partake in a little 5 meo-mipt (despite dabbling in some 2C-I on wednesday after my moms memorial - everyone was drinking and it fit nicely. Light and clear headed but with a smidge of visual activity and bouts of laughter, though perhaps thats just because I was laughing at my own jokes? ha). However I feel it (the 5 meo) made me slightly more emotional (obviously?) than I would have liked when it came time for her to leave, though perhaps it was good for her to see?.

This morning was difficult , after my morning routine, as the house (I?) felt empty, like something was missing. That made me sad, so I had a little cry (my daughter once gave me great advice "just feel sad, cry and move on" and meditation has taught me similarly to experience emotions but dont hold on to them). After that I tried to go about my day but Ive been blah all day. I managed to motivate myself enough for a workout (which means Ill eat well today anyways haha - which is always helpful) and I even managed to get to that yard work Ive been putting off. But school work .... well perhaps thats best saved for a another day...

Although part of me feels drawn to look merely at the negative aspects of this change I am confident that I will not only pull through this but make the best of it.
But damn, being positive and productive is tiring some times...

My goals for this week are to actually quit smoking and follow my new schedule (in light of my new found time I figured it would be best if I made a rough schedule)

Thats it for now...
 
Well since last posting things have been improving slowly.. as I get used to the change ..
Although I have been diligent with my personal care regime my school work has sort of suffered as I am busy thinking about everything/anything else.
In fact tomorrow I will miss an exam and transfer the weight to the final in hopes that I will utilize the next month efficiently
I have come up with a plan to read, study and practise. Its only 6 pages (plus accompanying text pages) a day, plus practice. Very doable.

And now I have decided to move in September, as if my daughter isnt with me for school, then I have no need or means (as my student loans will be cut) to continue to pay what I currently do for rent. Thankfully a friend just purchased a place and is looking to rent out the basement bedrooms. Although the place isnt quite as nice and there is no lawn / gardens :-|.. the price is right, theyre on the same wavelength and its closer to the school other friends. Initially I was conflicted but it is necessary and looking around at other places this is my best option.

On the weekend we went to visit my family. It was difficult being back at my dads place - he is just so high strung and its still weird being there since mom passed. Since his heart attack he preaches "lifes too short", "relax", etc, yet he freaks out when the cat meows because he doesnt feed it enough. I neglected to bring some oil or any other treat so I decided to dip into his tramadol. With no tolerance I enjoyed the mellow calm it provided, especially in such a high stress situation. I have never really enjoyed opiods but I enjoyed this experience. So much so I decided to redose... a few times.. With diminishing effects each time, of course.

Be it simply the visit or after effects of the tramadol monday was difficult (or maybe the return to an empty house), I was just kinda blah. But I did my morning stuff and followed it up with my exercises. Yet I was still grouchy as I knew I had to babysit the neighbours kids, which is always draining (but theyre always there for me when I need someone to cover so..). But the rest of the day turned out ok. Tuesday was more of the same in the morning. Then the neighbour suggested a smoke (which I dont normally do during the day on week days) but I figured it might aid in altering my perspective. Then I went for a walk and realized what part of the issue is. On my exercise days I get out first thing in the morning, on off days not so much - thus, I plan to incorporate some sort of outside time after breakfast.

Otherwise, I havent stopped smoking but I have cut back (on amounts not days).

Guess thats it for now.
Until next time.
TOC
 
So in light of my chemistry midterm today and a lack of studying I went to see my professor to be excused and have the marks allocated to the final instead.
She was brutally honest with me and given my shit first midterm she feels its unlikely Ill even pass the course.
And given my background - accounting major - she doesnt understand why on earth im in an organic chemistry class nor what I intend to do after (assuming I finish my org. chem minor).

So here I am questioning myself..
Thank heavens I followed my routine this morning. As my head is spinning and Im having trouble staying grounded.
For the first time in a long time I thought about drinking.
Twas but a fleeting thought but none the less...

Perhaps its time to reevaluate my goals...
 
What year are you in school? It's always possible to change majors. It's important to think of the future in terms of career options vis a vis education, but IME it's even more important to set yourself up for some kind of work you can get passionate about.

I apologize I haven't been responding to your posts recently TOC. I've read them but have been a bit too busy with BL and IRL obligations to give you the time you deserve.

Soon :) have a great weekend! Definitely sounds like a good time to rely on the routine you've established for yourself.
 
Oh not to worry. This is more of a me just venting thing, than anything. I hope all is well on your end.

Well, "year" is kind of complicated haha... When I left university 4 years ago I was 4 credits short of completion but I had absolutely no desire to finish. Accounting is easy for me but as I progressed through I saw my peers seemingly thrilled by the courses and eventually their job prospects, while I continued deeper and deeper into .. depression(?)/alcoholism, both at the idea of going into such a job and my personal life at the time. ..

So last fall I returned to completed those courses and then I declared a minor in chemistry - something Ive always been passionate about. However this semester started with my dads heart attack and the loss of a friend. And then I got caught up in a condensed course and another course that was loaded with work at the beginning. But those are both done and now I can focus entirely on this course. Although my prof doubts Ill pass she admits that it is possible, if Im committed. But since the meeting I was over come with???

So it came to me the other day that I was still not at peace with my ex having moved on so fast and having a baby 10 months after she moved out. Why? I dunno. Perhaps because I havent found someone yet? Either way... So instead of my daughter coming here for the weekend I went up there to stay with them. We had a great weekend. We all hungout, played games, went to the beach, etc etc.. Although Im not sure Ive made peace with it, I am coming to terms with it. And I feel that the more I hang out with them the easier it will be (Im cool with her new bf - he's a good guy, and my ex and I have been able to remain friends, as we have a lot in common, not just for our daughters sake).

However I did have a few drinks while I was up there, on two occasions, and then when I returned home Sunday as well. Mostly because I came across some adderall and I enjoy a couple drinks with some weed on the comedown.. But it was different than how my drinking used to be. Its like as I have changed, my ideas around drinking has changed too. I drank slowly and stopped well short of bed despite having lots more in the fridge (previously Id just drink til I passed out).

Now I have no intention of making a habit of that. Nor do I feel bad this was never about complete life long abstinence from alcohol but rather my addiction to it. I have always been in the camp that drugs are not inherently good or bad and we cant blame them for our choices, try as we may. Although that was a little sooner than I had imagined my return to drinking I am confident that I have progressed enough not to revert to my ways of old. In fact after 3 days of drinking in a row I had absolutely no desire to drink yesterday. And although my routine has suffered since my visit I am back on the horse today.

Anyways I suppose I should get to work. Only 23 days until my exam and this material isnt going to read itself.
Until next time.
 
It's been a long 9 days. I took to gobbling up that adderall, at first in a half attempt to help with school work (but it doesnt really help - I just like it) for a few days. Then realizing that it wasnt helping I stopped but by then I was so burnt out from not sleeping much and crashing I just sat around for a few days. Then one day, a few days later, I took the rest (~100 mg), which was kinda silly but alas after I was 50 mg in and wanting more I thought forget it, why not? And part of me just wanted the temptation gone. Despite an early start I still couldnt sleep 16 hours after the last dose and the next day we had planned a trip to the amusement park with the neighbours, so I drank some that night too in hopes of it aiding sleep, but it did not. Boy was the amusement park a long day, thankfully the nieghbour drove.

Asides from that things have been relatively stressful. Ive made peace with my daughter wanting to move - to be a big sister - but that means I wont be able to afford my current place. Ive found a decent place, with cool friends thatll save me over 200 a month. But getting people to help move is like pulling teeth. Good friends and family alike refuse to commit. I got long winded maybes, possiblys, that should work, or if Im around that weekend. So I explained to my brother all I needed help with was the few pieces of furniture I couldnt move myself and the rest I could do myself another time, as buddy said I could move stuff in whenever, and that I needed a definitive answer. Well ah, ... I may have switched with someone that day. So I asked for a day I knew hed have off, but he just bitches about losing his weekend. Then outta desperation I asked my exs Dad, hes a good person and I still go to visit him every once in a while. After explaining the situation he was kind enough to offer his truck and trailer, as well as his services. Which is such a relief. I was so stressed yesterday about all of this and drank quite a bit .

And since Ive been eating that dex-amp my appetites been non existant and my sleep schedule is all wonky and thus I havent been following any of my routine (cant exercise on an empty belly and for some reason I really only do yoga and meditation in the am and if Ive slept in til the sun comes up I just skip it .. weird eh). So thats definitely not helping. But today is a new day. Food prep and house work with a small side of school work and core exercises is in order for today. I havent got much time left to study for my final in 20 days but Ive gotta give it a legit go.

TTFN (ta-ta for now, haha sorry its a Tigger reference)
TOC
 
Hey, TOC...glad to see you back on the thread.

Yeah, amphetamine can really mess with daily routine. Are you planning/hoping to get off of the amp? In any case, I hope your days come back into line for you.
 
Haha thanks TPD, I'll try to incorporate more into my ramblings. Years of reading old Milne (mostly Winnie-the-Pooh) to my daughter wont have been merely for her enjoyment.

Yes Simco, Im off the amp now. Its been a week now and I dont plan to acquire more. Seems I need to add it to the list of drugs I cant have in my possession without obsessive abuse.

Thurs and friday of last week I ended up drinking again. Purely out of habit. So back to the psychedelics on saturday. A 600 mg dxm trip was surprisingly light. But it slowed my internal monologue and allowed me to do some useful thinking for the first time in a few weeks, as well as just relax with friends. I had a toke at around 10 hours and all was good. Then I visited a friend around 12 hours and got righteously stoned.

This is where things got weird. I was overcome with anxiety as my thoughts began to race - failing chemistry, losing my school loans, having to move, broke as F***, over and over. My vision became black, not such that I couldnt see but it was like a black haze over everything. Like the negative thoughts I was experiencing were being externalized visually (this has happened on a few physcedlic trips before - high doses of both MDA/LSD, medium doses of both LSD/2CT7 and another high dose LSD experience - all of which occured during high anxiety periods of my life, as well as one time really hungover and after a few kombuchas which are high in caffeine) . "No way, not now, how?" ... Despite my desire to answer these questions the time for thinking was not know.

STOP! Focus on the your breath. Inhalation, pause, exhalation, pause. The rise of the belly, the fall of the belly.

A few minutes later I was out of this panic attack? spiritual / emotional crisis? Call it what you will.

My friend never seemed to notice and I was apprehensive to talk to him about it afterwards. Why? Im not sure. He is also experienced with altered states. I stuck around for a bit to calm down before heading home. Once home I wrote in my journal in an attempt to release my thoughts further. Sleep didnt come for a few more hours (the usual for me after toking) and I was up only a few hours later at my normal time - despite having only slept for 4 hours.

The following day was as any other, despite being tired. Strangely enough I was tempted to drink last night but refrained.
...
Im curious has anyone experienced this darkening of vision during a panic attack? Psychedelic or other experience?

TOC
 
Yup. I've had two panic attacks in my life where I basically could watch my vision fading as I kinda blacked out in slow motion but was still conscious of it. Very scary. There isn't much one can do in such situation but ride it out and try to avoid falling and eating shit or the pavement or something.

The first time it happened I was in a parking lot of my friend's place outside and ended up having to be carried inside after "fainting." The second time it happened I had a bit more sense of what was happening and was able to kinda grab onto a table to steady myself while I just focused on my breathing (this was before I learned to meditate in any formal sense). The second time I didn't totally faint, but came as close to it as one can.

Interesting, both of these panic attacks involved very small amounts of alcohol and/or cannabis. Not like blacking out drunk, more like fainting. Hasn't happened since I was a teen/early in my 20's though, thankfully.
 
Interesting TPD. Were you under emotional duress at the time?

Come to think of it there were at least 3 more instances then the ones mentioned above and none of the "black out's" Ive had have ever results in fainting. And some of these instances have lasted quite a while - especially they high dose LSD one.
 
Today was a difficult day for me. I have managed to abstain thus far this week without much issue. I am back to my 4 am wake up, morning routine deal. Being productive around the house, with hobbies, getting outside and exercise. School - specifically my organic chemistry classes is daunting. I fell behind early for various reasons and as its a difficult class im having a hell of a time trying to squeeze it all in in 2 weeks. I was pulling my hair out earlier and even started looking up careers in accounting (Hell im already done the degree). But the mere thought makes my skin crawl. Im so disappointed in myself for putting this class on the back burner and stressing about it now.... So I went home, ran some intervals and ate a healthy meal.... But I still feel self destructive... I considered drinking. But no, not if I want to try studying again tomorrow. I think Ill just drown my sorrows in junk food (is heart disease associated with clogged arteries caused by poor eating habits a choice like they say addiction is?)
 
So... Ive managed to maintain my healthy regime for the most part since my last post. But my productivity for school work is now non-existent. Ive stalled and Im not sure why? I believe its because there is no way for me to cover the material before my exam and have just resigned to asking for an extension - which in all likelihood will be granted if I ham up my circumstances.

Im also stressed about moving. I dont want to move but I can no longer afford my current place. Itll be good to move in with freinds but im apprehensive - Ive never had roommates before. Save for my ex - when I moved out we got a place and lived together for almost 10 years. This last year alone was challenging for a variety of reasons but was glorious in as much as I had a place to myself.

The weekend was great with my daughter. We were busy doing things we both wanted to do and things we had to do (chores) - she has been doing so much better lately. She is much more helpful and gives way less grief when asked to help out. However I took a break from my routine over the weekend and Ive noticed in many ways.

In hopes of eliciting a change in my stagnation I decided to take a a trip on Sunday after dropped her off. I went out to a quarry with hiking trails and ate some 2ct2. I spent most of the day just sitting by the water meditating or walking the trails, barefoot, attempting walking meditation. It was a great time, quite grounding, though the trip was decidedly neutral - which is fine by me. Later in the evening I visited a friend and smoked some. I am happy to report there was no "panic attack", tunnel vision, blacking out of the visual field kinda deal.

But the smoke kept me up way too late and yesterday was a write off as I was tired and thrown off by sleep routine. Last night was better but Im still not back to my most beneficial sleep patterns. And I find this really effects my day as I dont start the day the same (yoga and meditation) and it just spirals unproductively from there. Though Im productive in many ways - chores, hobbies, journal, walks and exercise - being unproductive school wise is bumming me out yet I do nothing about it... Im starting to wonder if university simply isnt for me ... all this reading and regurgitating. I just dont know what else Id do. I love chemistry and feel like I just need to stomach the boring shit to get to the good stuff - time in the lab (I loved my lab section this year though my mark wasnt great, neither was my preparation).

Supposed thats enough for now. Got to finish up some house work and food prep. Hoping to at least get to some school work tomorrow.

Just curious though, is anyone else so put off by messing with their optimal sleep habits?
 
Top