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Binge drinking - lightheadedness

haha d1nach now its payday loans.. I love it..
cant say im down for the high interest charges alcohol wants to charge me anymore :p
Despite never letting my daughter see me drunk/drinking she is the reason I wanted to change. It was beginning to bleed over in other ways into my life.

Thanks Kassoviv.. Im with ya!

toothpastedog said:
While what you say is very true, that bit about just accepting the bad as "the way it is" sounds a bit defeatist, no?
Click to expand...

Im not so sure about that. From the meditation on hindrances that I have:

We need to feel and observe these negative feelings with compassion ..
We need to be particularly aware as these feeling arise without trying to change or struggle against them
The arising of these feelings is outside of our control but the way in which we relate to them can determine our degree of being trapped or of being free

...
My take: life ebs and flows. Usually these feelings pass rather quickly if I dont dwell on them. Why struggle against the current.
Negative emotions can be beneficial. (Obviously if they persist for too long this is not the case but those are separate instances.)
And even if they arent struggling doesnt accomplish anything but make it worse.
Now attempting to alter them through positive action is different in my opinion and encourage-able.

And thanks starting_over .. I know my troubles have been relatively small but it is nice to see them fading into the background
 
So yesterday was the first time in a month I was well enough to see my mom. Despite being bedridden she is doing much better than what relatives reported during the time I was unable to visit.

After leaving I got stuck in traffic on the way home - argh, stressful.

So somewhere between traffic and getting back to my relatives place where I stay when I visit mom (its closer) I decided to grab some beers. They are always drinking and I was kinda stressed, so I managed to justify it. I limited myself to buying 3, as Ill always drink what I have and never (ok usually never) make a run for more once Ive started. So we hungout, watched some soccer and drank. It was ok. Then I went to bed

This morning I woke up surprisingly hungover. MY first thought was to grab a drink from their stash to deal with the hangover, theyd never notice. But I went about my morning routine and meditation helped to put things in perspective. Helped me realize where following that craving and that drink would lead (more drinking) and a harder time refraining tonight and moving forward.

Im not entirely happy with my decision to drink. Mostly as to my motivations (would I have been more accepting it was for recreational as opposed to stress relieving purposes?). But I remained within reasonable limits and I didnt continue drinking upon waking up (two things I have not done while/after drinking in quite a long time).

I dont want or plan to make a habbit of drinking, even within reasonable limits, like this. Mostly because I am concerned with where it may lead. But I dont want to make any self fulfilling prophecies.

I dont know where this is going, just venting really. Truthfully things are still mildly hazy (weird - crazy to think how hazy things were before)
That's all for now
ToC
 
So I finished exams.. All but one course is left lingering: will I pass. Why? Because I left 6 weeks of work for 3 days ... Perhaps that works for some courses but I just couldnt manage with my Intro Chem course. The exam kicked my ass. I then had another exam Thursday. Given the stress associated with potentially bombing a course and fucking up my student loans I wanted to get wasted on Friday. I decided against it and ate a bunch of (pot) oil instead. I spent the day/night visiting friends and had a great time catching up, eating, laughing and talking. I even managed to accomplish some stuff around the house - try doing that drunk...

I have found since quitting my daily smoking habit ingesting decarboxylated pot oil <1 a week gives me psychedelic like effects - insightful critical thinking, (sometimes) visuals etc etc. I find that engaging in these sorts of things on a regular basis (though not so regular I develop a tolerance) really helps to give perspective to my life (my action, predominant emotions of late, habits, etc). So it stands that this experience really helped to quell my craving to drink..

But then the weekend came and as my daughter goes to her moms I have time to visit my mom in the hospital. I was looking forward to this. Despite being quite... (burnt out?... not really the right word...) from the previous days adventures....Boy was yesterday a heavy trip. At one point when I was the only one in the room my mom asked if she could tell me a secret. But of course.. "They dont think it work" (early November she had received a bone marrow transplant after they believed her previous transplant had begun to reject after 10 years. They did tests on Thursday and the results will be available early next week)

Boom.. That hit rather hard. I felt deflated.

So we stayed until dinner but Mom got tired and concerned for my drive home given the crappy weather.. So she kicked us out in the nicest way possible haha...

The whole way home all I could think about was hitting up the liqour store and getting wasted. I fought with myself. Realized I was just attempting to escape, from my emotions: fear of the future (whats next? - losing my mom - will further treatments even be worth it, given the chemo and radiation took such a hard toll this time), anxiety, sadness, desire (for this to be finished. My fucking head was spinning by the time I got back to town. And thats usually when Id get drunk just to stop the anxiety

Fuck that. "If I can just make it past the store and inside Ill be ok"... I did. So I just sat here reeling for a while. Letting waves of different emotions wash over me.
Eventually I couldnt take it anymore and had to go visit some friends.
This didnt really help as all she wanted to do was rabble about her shit and Christmas and blah blah blah... I had to leave

I decided to drown my sorrows in junk food - ick. Part of me questions which is worse - junk food or booze? haha.. Im not really kidding
As I go for snacks I recall the grocery store now stocks booze (thank you Ontario - no more monopoly for you Mr Government)
But Im past the stronger cravings to get drunk and just grab snacks

I was in bed at a good time. Got lots of sleep and feel good for not drinking - though still kinda foggy from all the pot on Friday (funny how without a tolerance I realize just how long it takes to clear from my system). Today we are supposed to do Christmas at the hospital with my mom and some relatives .. I hate Christmas at the best of times. Today shall likely prove to be quite trying. Thankfully its Sunday and all the liquor/beer stores will be closed by the time I get out of there today...
 
So I figured I would just keep this going as opposed ot starting a new thread...

So over the holidays (from school) I was doing well.. No drinking, even when my daughter was away (I think.. things are fuzzy now).
I rolled (MDA) with some friends on New Years and we ate a low dose of mushrooms the next day. Things were well. I was having a great time with my daughter.

And then my Uncle called telling me my mom had been transferred to ICU. However they ddint expect any major changes to occur within the next short while.
I attempted to make arrangements with my daughters ex to take her that night but she was being ... ahem ... herself...
Thankfully my neighbors are wonderful and I made arrangements for them to watch my daughter while I went down for a few days to visit mom before taking my daughter to her moms.

Then I get a call from my uncle later that night about power of attorney and a do not resuscitate.
Fack! But the weather and the roads were bunk and they said not to worry.

This was too much. Drink. 1. 2. 3...

Then I get a call from my brother saying I need to get down there now.
Thank fuck for good neighbors. They drove my drunk ass down there.

By this time mom was in a coma. She passed some hours later.

My ex was kind enough to make an appearance and she took our daugther for another week so I could grieve, make funeral arrangements, go through moms stuff, etc etc.
From there I spent the next week or more (about 10 days) drinking 12+ beers or ~ a 26er at night/in the morning when I woke up to rid myself of the hangover (read prolong).

Then I found moms pain (hydromorphone) and sleeping pills(zopiclone). Well somebodys gotta use em or they'll just go to waste.
So I started popping em a few drinks in (I did a bit of research and there are definite interactions with alcohol but I figured if I stayed low the respiratory depression and thus the risk should be minimal.. but truthfully, part of me didnt care. I couldnt see past the grief and my need to numb the pain. Though at the time I played it like everything was ok).
But then some more drinks later I'd be doubling then tripling the dose.

Then Id wake up and wash down some more with my morning drinks and spend the day in a relative stupor.
It didnt take long to build a tolerance.
Then somehow I had burned through moms supply 3 days later.
Thankfully.
However I still continued to drink.

But the week passed and it was time to get my daughter and for us both to return to school.
Coming home that night was hard.
It was like somehow coming home made it all real.
I drank quite heavily that night/morning (from 3 - 5).
That was Monday.

The rest of monday was horrible. I was shaking and dry heaving (I hadnt been eating so there was nothing to bring up). Anxiety was horrible.
I decided that was enough. I didnt drink at all monday night.

Tuesday was better as I woke up early to yoga and meditation.
I ate healthy and drank plenty of water to stay hydrated. But my head was still spinning with thoughts of mom, emotions, thoughts of all the school I missed, all the reckless things I had done over the past week. Around and around I went. But Id catch myself and recenter only for it to come back sometime later.
No drinking tuesday night.

Today I was up early again.
Woke up to the song from moms funeral in my head.
Yoga and meditation.
Breakfast. Chores.
Then routine with my daugther.
The anxiety is still here though.

So I went to school. Started in on some work (not much, but its a start). But my head is still spinning at times.
Being mindful helps.
Time will help too.
After a good base of eating and mindfulness practice this week Ill start exercise next week.

Thanks for listening.
TOC
 
I'm sorry about your mom. I'm glad to hear you where able to identify you went back to drinking and stop. You can't control drinking after a unimaginable loss. But your ability to recenter yourself so quickly is impressive.
 
Thank you for updating us on your journey and keeping your original thread going toc. All things consider I think you're doing pretty well, particularly with all the difficult shit going on outside of simply (hah!) your process in recovery.

Sounds like you have gots some pretty good self care basics going on! What do you do for fun?

BTW, with your continued feedback and updates on your progress, you're helping others more than you know :) Thank you! <3
 
Thanks for the responses folks..

@d1nach - it was kinda hard not to recognize ha. I knew it was gonna happen after Mom passed, even caught myself on the third day. Stating no more. But then I started compiling a slide show for the funeral about my mom/our family, with my aunt and next thing ya know: Im at the store, then back at my bothers place and .. drunk. Not to mention all my relatives kept calling me out on it. Despite some of them drinking daily themselves (but "not before 11 pm"... right...). But it got me when my Oma (grandma) said something.

@tpd - haha ya.. simply recovery. I used to think negatively about people who couldnt quit their vice. "It's just a choice". Now, I understand, its more than just a choice, it's more like choices, along with a potential health related issue. Kinda like that saying "You can take a boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of a boy." (or however you may like it). A lot of us can recognize the need to quit our d.o.c. but simply quitting isnt enough if that's the only step in the recovery process we take. Thus I have taken, as you have kindly pointed out, some steps I believe are necessary to help me continue down my path of sobriety (I also recognize that sobriety means different things to different people now).
ow
As for fun? I dunno, after I hooked up with my old lady (ex now) I left a lot of my hobbies behind, with the exception of my psychedelic use :p .. I've always found that fun but these days its more of a once a month (if Im pushing my tolerance / can find the time) and its usually more of an introspective, alone in the dark kinda vibe. Though occasionally, I'll make time to enjoy a trip with friends (ie New Years) . Anyways, then I became a parent and went back to school and me time became even harder to find.

Now Im realizing the importance of such activities. Truthfully I enjoy all things kitchen chemistry. Making extracts/tinctures (peppermint, turmeric, etc). I recently took to brewing kombucha and experimenting with different teas or various flavour additives during the secondary fermentation stage. Even baking (though I dont make much time for it) and cooking - I usually roast a whole chicken weekly and turn whats left into stock, experimenting with different flavours (veggies and spices and such). Ive even been known to garden if what grows is useful to the aforementioned mucking in the kitchen, otherwise Ill just hose the plants when they look half dead.

Thus I am rather excited to announce that earlier today I have taken the first steps necessary to complete a minor in chemistry. Im currently in my last year of accounting but it was killing my soul. I meet with a professor today to discuss and he referred me to an academic advisor, I have a meeting next week to determine if my plan is feasible (not sure why they wouldnt want my money ha).

Other than that, just being outside. Im lucky enough to have a conservation area just down the street, however, I havent been in there much lately. Partially due to the rain, also due to my crappy mood. So I am trying to make a point of that.. Other than that I dunno..Ive talked to friends who play on sports team and will likely join up this summer. In the meantime Im also considering getting my fishing license, my daughter has always wanted to go but Ive never had my license (and one shouldnt break the law :p).

Today has been the best day since returning.
Id like to delude myself into thinking shitty days wont come, but they will. Im just thankfully that I am taking some steps necessary to prepare for them.

Venting here, to people who understand, is ever so helpful.
Thanks be to Bluelight (haha)

TOC
 
Nice work! I always loved chemistry in high school and college. Sometimes I wish I'd concentrated more in that field. And cooking is a fantastic fucking hobby to have in recovery. Nothing like tasty, healthy, creative food stuff! Next to music and art, which actually food can easily become, I find preparing dishes to be one of life's greatest pleasures.
 
So today is proving to be a difficult day thus far ..

I need to get to work on my school work (Im 2 weeks behind now) but I cant think straight as my mind swirls over the various unresolved issues I face. I attempt to use the various techniques gained from meditation to bring my attention back to the current. However they work only momentarily, then my anxiety comes flying back, as I lose my focus and my thoughts begin to race again.

Thus I am attempting to sort out some issues (financial and a conflict with my classes). I havent exactly sorted them but as I attempt to do so I am provided with some reprieve from this anxiety.

Forget next week, Ive been eating well/often enough, Im starting my exercise regime tomorrow.
 
So today marks a week of being alcohol free. Weekends are usually difficult for me as my daughter goes to her moms and its easier for me to just say fuck it, however, I am happy to report that it went ok.

Although I have made no major progress in regards to my school work, I am taking small strides, such as getting my textbooks, printing out my course outlines and getting my binders ready. Today I plan to knock of an assignment so that I can start ready/studying for my first exam on Feb 2 (as much as I think 4 smaller exams is a better setup then 1 larger one, its a pain when Im behind... dope!) However, I have: ate well (95% of last week), continued with my morning mindfulness routine (even through the weekend) and began my exercise routine as well. And during my procrastinating on the week I also managed to rotate my tires.
Ah, I am also happy to report that my cherry vanilla kombucha turned out quite tasty. A few more tweaks and friends say I need to start selling it.

Although I dont think complete life time abstinence from alcohol is my goal, complete alcohol abstinence for the now definitely is.
I am happy to report that this time feels different.

Perhaps its because I dont have the stress of my mom being ill (as horrible as that is to say considering)?
Perhaps its because of all my failed attempts?
Perhaps its because I am better to control my anxiety via my continued mindfulness practices?
This time when my negative thoughts (about all the things I have yet to accomplish, or otherwise) begin to spiral out of control and my anxiety begins to boil over I allow myself to remember all the positive accomplishments I have achieved, no matter how small. Whereas I would previously turn to simple breathe meditation or yoga practices in an attempt to calm down (but these alone have not typically worked in the past). Although it is not an instant cure, recalling these positive achievements combined with other various healthful activities (yoga/meditation/exercise and healthy eating - despite the difficulty in doing so when overwhelmed with anxiety), I am typically able to pull myself out of it (within a day or so).

Although my habit wasnt that great I am thankful to be freeing myself from it.
Thank you all for your support. Even if you didnt post. Just reading your posts in other threads, learning and knowing that the struggle is real and different for all of us, was/is incredibly helpful.
I wish you all the best in your recovery and future endeavors.

I will continuing posting from time to time. Likely more during difficult times.
But for now I hope that the worst is behind me.

Much love
TOC
 
You're doing fucking awesome TOC!

Alcohol is kinda funny, with me. I enjoy the effects of a mild buzz, but it was never my cup of tea. However, recently I found myself having a drink here and there in the evenings. What I noticed is that, while very enjoyable for maybe one or two hours, I alcohol makes me feel like shit. Fucks up my GI system, gives me a headache, even just a couple drinks makes me a little depressed the next morning (even after a full night sleep).

What I'm trying to say is that, I have very, very few reasons to be interested in drinking. But because it is so incredibly accessible and a part of social life, I still find myself drawn to it even though it offers me very, very little in the way of rewards. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for those who find it more enjoyable than I do!

Anyhoo, what kind of meditation(s) have you been practicing?
 
I would agree with you ToC, the stress of your ill mother passing away has some impact on your stress levels. Hope you've had enough time to grieve and can focus on yourself moving forward.

Get started on those assignments and keep reviewing what you've learned. Constant review = better retention and higher test scores.

https://uwaterloo.ca/counselling-services/curve-forgetting

Make sure you're not just re-reading, but testing yourself too:

http://www.facultyfocus.com/articles/teaching-professor-blog/rereading-material-good-study-strategy/
 
Lol I kinda laughed when you said no major progress in regards to school work. You got to put things in perspective the fact you where able to do anything at all is a major accomplishment after loosing someone so major in your life. That's enough to send people spiraling for years even life even if all you did was put a cover on one text book that would be amazing . You can't spiral out of control from one drink. You can only spiral if you continue to drink instead of identifying wait I've tried this before it didn't work.
 
Sounds like a lack of nutrients/minerals that the alcohol is depleting your system due to the lack of proper diet, as well as dehydration on top of that.


Mostly just simply dehydration in my opinion.



Other negatives:

Decreased organ function
esophageal damage
gastrointestinal issues
increased cortisol
elevated estrogen levels
decreased testosterone levels



The negative list to alcoholism goes on and on. Seek some help and get this nipped in the bud! I've been down this road, my drink of choice was vodka, several cup fulls a night until just passing out. Waking up and repeating the cycle over and over, I knew when it started taking it's toll on my daily functions work, family, etc.. Something needed to be done. The ethanol had damaged the lining on my throat making it impossible to even get water down, yet it didn't stop me from drinking more vodka every day. I was trying to numb something deep within me, I believe it was insecurities tbh.

AA wasn't for me, but I found nutrition/lifting weights to be my godsend.
 
Good point I don't drink but after drugs I can't tell you how many times I ended up in the er convinced something is seriously wrong only to get IV fluids and electrolytes and walkout fine in a few hours
 
@tpd I downloaded a set of guided meditations a while back called "Insight meditation". In it it guides you through breath, walking, body sensations, hindrances, emotions and meta meditations - all at about 30 minutes long.

I would have to agree with you that alcohol offers me very little in the way of rewards (if any - long lasting anyways). However I keep returning.

@ starting over - thanks for those links. I used the techniques described to review and test myself to successfully conquer my accounting midterm - 97%!
...
Unfortunately I didnt for my chemistry midterm and it kicked my ass... And todays bio midterm is going to do the same (but at least im not as delusioned as I was going into my chemistry exam ha)

@ d1nach - thanks again for the kinds words. I am gaining more insight into my actions the longer I am away from constant drunkenness.

@ intense - I too am finding that nutrition and weight lifting / exercise in general (trying to keep weights, cardio and yoga in balance) to be most beneficial to my struggles - which I think is mostly anxiety (which is severely increased by my attempts to curb it with (binge) drinking ... you see the cycle).
----
As noted I am getting back into the swing of things with school, though some areas are in definite need of some more attention. Generally I'm relatively satisfied with my studies.
I have continued with my exercise (weights, cardio and yoga) and mindfulness routines. As well as my healthy eating.. and maintaining an orderly house
And my relationship with my daughter is significantly improved as my head clears and i am able to communicate better.

As far as my drinking goes: I havent quit. I have drank 3 instances in the last 3 weeks.
3 weeks ago I decided Id like a drink or 3.. So I grabbed a six pack and enjoyed 3 after completing my work one night while lazying around after dinner. The other 3 the next night in a similar fashion - not trying to get wasted, just to enjoy.

2 weeks ago I was frustrated about a situation with my ex (as she expects me to accomodate her yet wont do the same) and came home after dropping my daughter off with the intent to get wasted. I succeed. Had leftovers when I woke up and continued to polish them off. By that time the stores were open, I was drunk and depressed and figured Id keep it going. I did. By that night I had finished everything but I had enough though and didnt return for me. The next day was difficult as I felt like shit (and old habits die hard - not going to get more to cure my hangover was mildly challenging) but I decided it that was enough and stuck to my routine of exercise and healthy eating. Honestly it took me that day and 2 others of not drinking and my routine to feel normal again.. Thats enough binge drinking for now!

And last weekend after bombing my chemistry midterm I said fuck it and grabbed a bottle of wine to go with my pizza. I finished the bottle that night. The next day I was tempted to continue like I "normally" would but before I had the chance I forced myself out for a long run. By the time I came back more booze was the last thing that I wanted haha.. And then a friend came over hes a very positive influence these days (he rarely drinks) so drinking around him during the day is outta the question (Ive never got the stigma associated with day drinking - like the time of day or night makes it any better or worse :s )... He then proceeded to encourage me to apply for business grants to start selling my kombucha officially ... He's in touch with all these mba students (as hes in the process of starting his own biotech company) and is going to put me in touch with them to help write all these grant proposals .. Well see how that pans out over the next few months...

Anyways thats all for now.
Hope everyone else is well.
ToC
 
Nice work ToC, sounds like you are fighting the good fight. Keep surrounding yourself with likeminded, goal oriented people who's company you enjoy and you'll go far :)
 
So its been a while since Ive posted last, just thought I would check in.
Things have been going alright, school has been a crap shoot, but whatever, Im having a good time doing it.
My diets been ok - not immaculate but Ive done worse.
Exercise has been relatively consistent and Im slowly feeling better physically (and in turn mentally).

My drinking has been up and down but typically I am able to control it through my healthful regime.
My daughter was away over March break and I drank most of the week, off and on. Although I still forced myself to be productive and healthful before drinking.
Visiting my Dad's place since Mom has past was difficult but I managed to visit for a few days without drinking.

I drank again on friday. I find I typically drink once a week now and its usually on Fridays after dropping my daughter off at her moms (its still relatively stressful and I return home passed my usual bed time - this is something unavoidable, unless I consider changing my weekday routine but I find it really works for me). But whatever I buy I drink. So is my drinking "under control", in my opinion not exactly. Am I content with the level that Im at, sorta, but that doesnt mean I am not trying to reduce it further.

I find come the weekend I need a way to relax above and beyond my exercise, yoga and meditation. Books and movies are ok but I dont like just sitting. Hiking and getting outside are better. But something in me usually craves a substance. Not necessarily to forget my woes (Im hard-pressed to find any).. but just as a sort of treat, after all its the weekend.... I will usually opt towards pot but I find it keeps me awake and thus dont like to partake if its too late in the day, especially if its edibles (Saturday I was going for over 12 hours - I have little tolerance and was surprised by the potency... oops :) ).

If anyone can relate or has any suggestions (even comments) I'll definitely give them some thought.
Thanks
TOC
 
You might want to look into partaking in some kind of NMDAr antagonist/dissociative use on some weekends (ketamine, MXE, DXM, PCP, etc). There is some research out there that it helps to interrupt alcohol use disorder, certainly so as far as depression is concerned, so it is definitely worth looking into.

Just be careful and do plenty of homework on how these kinds of substance work before partaking in them, particularly if you aren't familiar already with how you react to them. They are have the potential to be very powerful, constructive therapeutic tools. When used properly, they are absolutely divine, but when used improperly they can lead to rather uncomfortable experiences (though this really goes for any psychedelic type drug).

I posted this article on ketamine's usefulness in treating depression which you might find interesting: https://bluelight.org/vb/threads/81...eat-depression-why-can’t-doctors-prescribe-it

Thanks for checking in TOC, always good to hear from you!
 
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