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Junkie limbo & the sad realization.

LordOfTabs

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 8, 2015
Messages
93
Since I was 15, I've been working constantly to always ensure my next fix. What's broken? Nothings broken.
Raised by two polar opposite parents, an angry aggressive drunk, and a kind hearted mother, was me. Living in this world where empowerment and enlightenment are in style today. Growing up I was always self conscious of my actions, afraid of disapproval from people I saw superior, but without the drive to do any more than coast my way around them. Walking through highschool, the silent hate manifested, as I listened to my music and ignored everything, "this world is so fake" "everyone in this world is filled with greed and condescending interests". Almost feeling euphoria from the hate running through my body, I still loved everyone on this world. No matter what. Conflicted with everything, I started getting anxiety from living a fake life. Using drugs to live in the moment and forget about hate, forget about problems, forget about responsibility, forget about school, forget about your pets, forget about your true self. People would warn me "your not experiencing the world the way it is", now, why would I want to do a thing like that?

Years go by and the only person in my life has been my friend since I could remember. Our drug habit eventually took us seperate ways. Only then, did I realize what it meant to truly be alone. Even in my own head, because who had I become?

Then I stopped keeping it a secret. All I hear the tv say is be yourself, feel empowered, live happy, so I did just that. It went from the 2 mgs of xanax a day to 8. Soon it became any substance. Adderall, ritilan, hydrocodone, oxycodone, bupronorphine, methamphetamine, alcohol, nitrous oxide, klonipon, valuim, extacy, marijuana, LSD, cocaine, then again, your supposed to explore everything in the world right?

Between my "medication" and the inevitable paycheck I suffer so hard for I would hit what trainspotting nailed on the head. Junkie limbo.

The feeling inbetween your last dose and the next. When the drug fades and you start to feel like you can do everything better, only if you weren't you. The thought sickens me. The looks of my family intimidate me, my reflection tells me I am fucked up. Bordem and thoughts of guilt, sadness, lack of love, and disrespect for yourself consume.

But when did it become so negative? At what point did being myself become such a burden? Realizing that no matter how far you go you can't get a fix. Of anything. Not even liquor.

Doing drugs, not A drug, is normal today. Lost of people do it. Why couldn't I? There should be a point when people stop stomping you down further, that's worse than murder in my eyes. In my state, there is no help. If your not normal or happy, they get rid of you as best they can. Introducing paranoia.

With age comes separation to succeed. Not to get clean and stay drug free forever no. But the desire for pleasure that comes to you, not up your nose. Managing every day, it seems very few seem to catch a break from the hostility of the average human. Use, enjoy, come down, go to sleep, wake up, go to school, come home, use, hang out, go out, come down, go home.
The more and more people try to strong arm happiness and success, the more it becomes "use". Yell at someone with a fragile emotional mind? Use. Yell at them for using? Use. Disown them for using? Use. And they wonder how it got so bad.

Live writing my thoughts during junkie limbo, I think I am ready to confront reality, and put down the drugs for a minute. The emotional suffering from what's to come might be far less intense than what I have become today.

(god we all love trainspotting right?)
 
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It is definitely true that it becomes very easy to turn to drugs after something bad has happened to you...I would frequently use drugs, heroin in particular, when something bad had just happened to me, which could range from anything from a family member dying to a girl I liked turning me down. I knew the dynamic of what was happening but most of the time I didn't care, in the short term it was preferable in my mind, compared to having to deal with whatever I was dealing with at the time.

HOWEVER, and this is important: I'd always address the problem eventually, whether it was a gram or an ounce later. The idea of permanently retreating into addiction has never been an appealing option in my mind.

In fact I think the one central dilemma of drug abuse is finding ways to deal with the struggles of life without retreating into problematic substance (ab)use. In active addiction you only really have one concern, which is keeping a steady supply of drugs, and a lot of problems you can simply write off as something related to your drug addiction. But there's obviously tons of bad shit that can happen to you which are completely independent of drugs and drug addiction. Just gotta play the hand that you're dealt...but the idea of retreating into the solace of drugs is always an appealing option..,
 
I've thought about it and I don't mind being an addict. Ny version of true happiness is finding a family of friends who except me and my passions. Where society pushed me down, drugs gave me a hand and allowed me to get over myself in order to make a decision. I didn't turn to drugs for actual happiness until I lost everything. I actually enjoyed myself more being homeless than living under someone else's judgments. I served at the shelter volunteered frequently, but I had to pay probation payments. And they were gana send me to jail if I stayed on the streets. You can find drugs in jail yes but you can't be picky. And inmates thrive on this prehistoric idea of dominance. I'm a very submissive person. No way would they help me out. I think that statement truly says how much I love and dedicate my life to psychoactive drugs. I found an opportunity to go to college free next semester and I'm taking it. Not for the job, but so I can travel America making the purest mdma with almost a sadistically artful manner. My blood family doesn't consider that "ambition". I was sober for 3 weeks strait once and my grandparents who I lived with after my mom went to rehab (methamphetamine) just barged in one day for no reason and said the worst things imaginable. Together they did this. As a result, I was hospitalized for suicide attempt, can't work my left fingers now. But while there I was able to experience the finest of modern psychiatric medication. Using my knowledge the doctors allowed me to write my own prescription for my treatment (ish). After a week there, and aalloooooot of drugs, I was happy as ever. They let me go, denying any addiction to drugs. Wonder! As a result, I'm labled a burden on the state and basically can't do shit but drugs with my life. Free xanaxes, oxies, anti depressants and its just stupid. I've sence rejected the idea and went off the pills. My limbo state cones and goes so quickly I don't even bother refilling. As a result, I will literally do anything. That's the worst part. So not only am I without a steady supply like I had when I was happy for years, I'm either in limbo and need something immediately, or I'm high and I feel like I can wait.
Guess I'm chasing the dragon huh? I always have a job and money. I spend at least 400 a week on substances alone.
 
Just a side note, I tend to balence my intake, to preserve the way my brain processes certain chemicals naturally. I thought for a while I had clinical depression, so to test this I tapered off all medications (thoroughly) and went on a 4 month (ish) sober streak, to see where my brain and I stood. My mood swings very easily to positivity, but tends to stay at a constant state of contempt. This Is only the case if I am not alone most of my time. 60% of my life was spent alone in fear, as a result it takes something horrible in the big picture to upset me. But someone smiling at me and just acknowledging my existence is literally euphoric. So, I feel like the underlying problem is in my environment and my awuantences. I've never even talked about my life to anyone. Weird feeling.
 
I can relate. I am a recovering heroin addict. I came to the same conclusion, that my addiction was pretty much fueled by my environment. The only thing I could do was leave everything and everyone I had known for 30 years and move 700 miles away. I've since managed to get sober and I'm nattending NA as well as counciling. My life has changed so much for the better in such a short time I am having trouble believing it. I have lost everything and been homeless. But now I am about to go back to college, I've got great friends and best of all o am truly happy. I guess what I am trying to say is there's no limits to what you can do in this life. Don't let drugs keep you in limbo.
 
I've always thought it incredibly hypocritical that we have illegal drugs that one is vilified for taking and then legal drugs that are practically worshipped by society. Such an artificial divide.

Having said that though, I feel freer when there is no outside substance that rules my life--legal, illegal, sanctioned or stigmatized. In a way I feel like my brain is my mind's baby and I have a very protective feeling about that li'l organ!;)
 
Limbo is fueled by depression in my case. Today I am sober and totally chill with it. I think I'm going to ride this train for a while. I'm about to be moving anyway. :)
 
Cool! So are you literally moving? What is the motivator or catalyst...work? Change? Just a house move or a whole new location?
 
All of it. Except work. I will be getting a new job too. 3 days clean also. Feels great knowing I have a goal. That's not years away
 
That fret news! Something I've found that helps to keep depression at bay is to make sure life doesn't get stale - which seems to happen for me when it becomes too routine. I will schedule activities, sometimes months in advance so there is always something coming up or going on - something to look forward to. You may want to consider doing something similar as eventually you'll get used to your new location and job. While you're new to the area look up activities online be schedule some - particularly around the three month point (don't forget to add the reminders in your calendar so you don't forget). You may also want to see if the area you are moving to has a newcomers club so you can meet people in the area and establish a social circle - which also really helps to stay sober ;)
 
so glad i read this thread... it's really honest. i hadn't thought of a lot of this stuff, but it's totally resonating. at some level, i really miss my addiction... or least aspects of it. i wish i didn't. it seems hard to make real progress with that baggage to haul around.
 
This is one of the most profound threads I've read on this site. You really have a way with words.
 
Goes to show drugs don't destroy creativity, you just have to find it within yourself. Hearing praise on a post as bold as this gives me hope that I'm not alone in the world. Such a refreshing thought.
 
How are you doing now Lord?

I read your thread, you are very honest and intelligent and sound like a really great person. I hope you're doing well..

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.



So that was that.. Long time ago
 
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