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November Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. It's Fall! Again!

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Hey Good Day! How are you feeling? Where are you at in your journey? Still struggling to make the switch from H to subs?

- VE
 
thanks, all for the nice words.

@Good Day: yeah, my DOC is/was heroin, for about the last four years. i tried maintenance (subs), which for some reason never worked for me. this time i'm taking oral naltrexone... so more or less cold turkey, in that i'm not using opiates. but i do have medicine in the mix too.

@VE: i'm feeling pretty good. i mentioned in another thread that a few weeks ago i had a bit of an epiphany, realizing that it was up to *me* to find a way out of this mess; that no counselors or fellowships or clinics have keys to the kingdom. ever since that, i've been feeling pretty strong. however, i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop... i'm sure things are gonna get tough again.

just for the record--when i say i'm "clean" i mean from opiates (and other hard drugs)... i.e. i am still vaporizing cannabis now and then.
 
Well, I hung out late with a few of my buds from the rehab that I've been at, and we walked along the side of the ohio river, and I noticed that they went into the bushes to get something, and they fired up what looked like a roach, they asked if I wanted in and I for once in my life said No.
I knew in the back of my head that if I were to take a hit from the roach then everything I have worked so hard to get over the last 3 months would have been a total fucking waste, and today I do not want to waste anymore time!

So now i'm dealing with what should I do about my buds, I don't want to turn them in to the rehab, and I talk to these guys every day. So I'm going to pray that they can hopefully get the help they need while they are here.

really sucks.
 
Getting clean is the best feeling I have ever felt in my life. For the first time since I was 15 years old (I'm 28 now) I feel like a normal human being. I am no longer numb.

I am really getting my shit together finally and I am so damn proud of myself. It's only getting better. I'm only on Day 10 of my current taper drop, but there is no stopping me now. I was in the hundreds of milligrams of oxy's and also sniffing china white all day every day. This went on for 4 years.

I presently take 20mg oxycodone 12 hours apart, and this coming week I am moving down to 20mg. I can't wait to be free, but I already feel like I am. I know I'm going to beat it, and I will bounce back and stronger and tougher man than ever before. After all the misery, torture and hell of this nightmare of a withdrawal that felt like I was just taking shit kicking after shit kicking from Satan himself, nothing can even phase me anymore it seems. My ex girlfriend stopped by since she refuses to stop trying to get me back, and a verbal fight ensued. A really bad when, she insulted me a lot and she was very clearly coked up. She has also been offering me free Dilaudid pills that I will either sniff or inject, because she does not want to see me get better, as she knows I will be an engineer with someone new. But it's like... once I calmed down from the panic attack, it just didn't phase me.

It's the best feeling I have ever felt in my whole entire life, and all it is, is just feeling human again. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful not to be numb. I have excruciating chronic pain in my spine as well, that is what led me down this path in the beginning, but that doesn't even really bother me too much either. I'm just so grateful to be clean and so proud of my progress. I spent a lot of money on healthy foods and supplements, that normally would have gone to a single day of oxycodone. I was taking massive doses for my tolerance and getting sick 3 hours later. It completely ruined my life for those 4 years, especially in the later stages.

I am going to be posting in Sober Living more often once I am completely clean, which should be in just a couple weeks. I will still need a little benzo for my panic disorder, but I'm working on that too and I don't have the same self control issues with those as they don't get me high when I take them for horrific panic attacks.

I made a recovery channel on youtube (anonymous, face covered) if anyone is interested to see the transformation. I was reading emails I sent to friends a little while ago, and it doesn't even sound like me. It's like I'm reading emails from somebody else that I don't recall ever writing. It's crazy... I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I want to jump for joy and I would if it wasn't for my damn back. It's the best feeling I have ever felt in my whole entire life and it's just feeling normal, that's it. Normal and well without all these fucking drugs.

Maybe I will post more here once I am completely clean, even though I am tapering harshly and taking shit kickings day after day. It's just that, I feel like I could be judged for still using a little bit while choosing to taper. I posted something in Other Drugs section and I was insulted really harshly by another member of the community. I contacted some mods about it, because I was really hurt by the insults that totally caught me off guard, but I feel like in Other Drugs section I was ridiculed and judged for getting clean. I really wasn't expecting that from another member of the community. I'm actually furious that the mods didn't give him a warning as he very obviously deserved one for writing me an essay of insults over 2 sentences that were a little out of context - but again, nothing can really phase me anymore. I just don't want to be posting in the wrong sections and pissing other people off. I consider myself clean as my doses are just slight taper ones for relief, as I have chronic pain and it would be too hard on my body to go cold turkey. I haven't been high in a long time and I've been tapering for months. I usually post in the dark side helping other get clean too : )
 
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Me too dude. Ex girlfriend stopped by, still trying to get me back after all the bullshit. Shouldn't have even talked to her, it ended with myself having a panic attack that I still haven't really calmed myself down from. It was a nightmare. I can't deal with that kind of stuff too well. I made an effort to ensure that I will never see her again. Was a real trigger too as she was very clearly on... well something bad. Shouldn't say what in sober living. Made it through, I'm just too committed to sobriety at this point.
 
yesterday was tough. anxiety was way up. i could feel old depression-related unease creeping around the edges of my thoughts. i did think about using, though not like "maybe i should cop"... just kept remembering old behaviors and sensations, all of which made the anxiety stronger.

but i cooled things down and got through it without messing up.

i de-escalated by bundling up on the couch and reading. i've been reading tons recently, and a couple weeks ago i remembered these books i loved when i was a kid... i've been reading the hell out of them. they're by a guy named John Bellairs. they're a little bit supernatural/spooky, but basically very sweet, always about misfit kids with untenable secrets they have to keep. somehow, they're perfect for my current state of mind. fast, easy reads. got me through yesterday, at least!

here's hoping for an easy, beautiful day for everyone.
 
@ShroomySatori

Congratulations on your journey to recovery ShroomySatori! Sorry to hear your ex is harassing you - you may have to block her from your like (phone, email, social media, etc) if she continues as the harassment could be a huge trigger for relapse. Regarding your anxiety - look into breathing techniques, mindfulness, and meditation as those are great ways to manage it non-pharmaceutically. Increased anxiety is very common in early sobriety and usually levels offs and decreases once you've been sober for a while. Stay strong and please do keep us updated. If you find you are struggling feel free to create a new thread and we can all discuss it.

@Captain.Heroin

Hope you're Sunday goes better and you're able to find some peaceful moments.

@simco

Reading is very relaxing - glad to hear you're getting back into it. I've slowly started to get back to some of my hobbies inused to do before the addiction took all my time - very relaxing. It's surprising how much we give up to accommodate the addiction. Since getting sober I've started golfing and dancing again. This past week I found a bunch of yarn from when I used to knit and crochet and ended up making a blanket. I'm probably going to binge knit for a while - it's a nice mindless calming activity that keeps my OCD entertained lol.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the weekend!
 
Dude you predicted it man. I just came to this thread to ask how you guys deal with PAWS cravings. I need help right now. I really do. The cravings for dilaudid are extreme. I have all the gear and shit.

Okay so I was calm and collected before I saw her. I've been a wreck ever since. I screamed at her to get the fuck out of my life for good. When she left I threw the chair and hurt my back. She emailed me in the middle of the night saying how worried about me she was. She called me this morning, I didn't know it was her and I answered. She immediately started guilt tripping me about our history and how good things were in the past, and if we just take a break things will be better in the future. I was very, very clear last night. I mean, I screamed at her. I told my family she was using cocaine again because I wanted to be absolutely certain that she will never be in my life. Yet she continues to harass me.

Man you predicted it so well. Fuck guys I need to start posting hear and not just the dark side. I am the one who is tapering best and people are looking up to me. I made a youtube channel to document my progress and it has been amazing. But why now. Why on Day 10 of this past taper drop, below my prescribed dose. Why do I feel such a strong desire for the shit that is killing me? I swear it has to do with last night and her contacting me. It's too much for me to handle emotionally. I need to block her you're right. I need to make sure she has no way of contacting me. I need to make a new email, change my phone number.

I'm doing a lot of things for my health bro. A lot. All my money I used to spend on heroin and oxy is going to healthy organic foods and tons of supplements. I find valerian and L-theanine help the anxiety. Yet, I still get hit with cravings hard. It happened once before and I immediately got out of the house and went for a walk until they passed. And I was good. But this snake of a woman man. It's too much it is just too much. She was a cheating, manipulating, lying, secretive bitch to me by the end of it. She guilt trips me about how amazing it was in the beginning, when we were travelling the world together and everything... it's just hard. By the end of it she was travelling to the other side of the world, going on vacations to visit friends without me and not contacting me whatsoever while she was gone. That is never okay with me and I can never ever forgive her for fuck knows what or who she did while she was gone. And then, predictably, she tries to get me back when she senses that it's over between us.

I do a lot of yin yoga. I'd highly recommend yin yoga, but my testosterone is so low now that I haven't had the strength lately. My friend Laura says the same thing - just breathe through it. Create distractions.

Man I just can't relapse because of a fight with an ex girlfriend I no longer give a fuck about, and who recently relapsed on coke. She wants me to fail. She knows if I do, that I won't get my shit together, I won't make it as an engineer and get with another woman who is far more compatible. She has to be out of my life, I know that. Right now I'm just focussed on getting past the cravings. It's really tough but I have made it so far. I can't stop now.

It was really nice of you to message me man because I am honestly in tears right now. I would regret it so much. Thank you so much dude, honestly just thanks I really needed to hear that.
 
I will just add one thing friends. The only reason I have the D's is because she gave me them for free. That is how fucked up this is. I have no trouble controlling oxy's. I've been tapering with percocet for crying out loud and I never get cravings for those. It is when things come in more abusable forms... I need to flush them. I know that and I will. Right now. I don't need them and I didn't pay for them. Also, sorry if I'm not allowed to mention specific drugs in this section. I don't know if that is a rule or not because I feel like it could be triggering for some people.

Okay so I am picking up my guitar and I am not stopping until I feel better. I'll return later as I really need some support to get through through this, sorry to say it but I can't relapse after making it so far. And I won't. I've been tapering with percocet for a really long time and I don't find oxycodone to be all that mentally addictive. I never get cravings to pop more percs. That's why I have been so successful tapering with oral oxycodone from a massive habit in the hundreds of milligrams, plus heroin, down to just 20mg every 12 hours half of which is extended release. I'm almost there. Tomorrow I was going to drop to 10mg every 12 hours. I just need to ensure that I avoid triggers like this obvious one. She obviously doesn't give a fuck about me if she is giving me those when she knows I'm getting clean. It was selfish on her part, essentially a bribe to hook her up with her bullshit.

Sorry if I'm breaking any rules by mentioning specific drugs, I don't know if that is allowed or not but I feel like I just had to explain. Time to pick up my guitar for a few hours and I'll check back in later. I have to get through this or I feel like I am going to die next time.

edit.... k luckily my little bro is here and I just gave him the bottle of the evil ones. Didn't tell him what they were just said to flush them. I couldn't do it on my own... that stuff is no percocet. It has an enormous hold on me when I have it on hand. I'm lucky as fuck that I didn't abuse it. He must think I'm a little crazy but that's cool, he learned from my mistakes and is smarter than I will ever be. Fuck I just hate mentioning the specifics here, sorry if that's not allowed but I had to let it out.

Thank fuck my little bro took those away from me. No judgement. He is so cool and already plays in a band cause he doesn't fuck around with shit ever. I never would have had them if it wasn't for her negative influence. And by the way, the word 'harassment' stood out loud and clear to me. That's precisely what this is. I have expressed my feelings very clearly, and I continue to be harassed. I think starting my own thread might be a good idea. I know I'm still using a bit but I'm almost over it - it used to be SO much worse. I would take massive expensive doses and be sick 3 hours later. I'm doing so damn well for myself, on a strict percocet taper. I'm cutting to 20mg, 10mg 12 hours apart tomorrow and then I'll almost be over it consider I had an all-day-every-day uncontrollable sniffing habit as recent as this summer. I have made so much damn progress I'll never ever give up, but I feel like cravings are going to increasingly become an issue for me and I need to be prepared for that. They can be incredibly powerful, and I don't understand it. Why, when I am feeling better, do I suddenly want the shit that is killing me.

Just shredded my fingers until they hurt. Just played the guitar as fast as I could. That's what I do when I get anxious or have cravings. I have to rest my back right now for a bit, but I'm going straight back to the post-hardcore music. I have to remember that I sold half my vintage pedal collection for this bullshit. I have to remember that I didn't even play guitar for a year and a half when my habit got really nasty. I have to remember that I feel like a human again. There is too much at stake. Way too much.
 
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Stay strong, @shroomy. Drama like your ex is bringing is part of recovery. We just gotta figure out how to get past it without using. Easier said than done, though, I know.

Did you get rid of the dillies and the paraphernalia?
 
Yes absolutely. Well... I didn't. Man... she tempted me with them, that snake of a woman. Gave them to me for free. I can't resist that I'm a junkie fuck! So I gave them to my little bro. He was doing yard work and I gave him the bottle and was like bro just throw these away for me. He doesn't do any drugs. I have enough to finish my taper without them.

All I have is percocet now the way I like it. I don't have cravings for those, I've been tapering with them for a long time. The cravings have passed. I'm just going to start my new thread because I feel like I am the one in the tapering thread at the dark side who has made the most progress by far, I feel like I am giving most of the advice at this point and I feel like to continue my journey I need to start talking to people who are completely clean. So I'll start a new thread now.

Thanks for the help.
 
I have 39 days clean from subs, and I feel like my cravings are more intense than ever right now.

Someone above said their cravings aren't at the point where they're saying "maybe I should cop".... well that's exactly where my cravings are at. A week ago I would've agreed and said I've thought about using, but it wasn't this extreme.

Sub withdrawal is fuckin terrible. Idk if it'll ever end.
I'll never touch a sub again, I just wanna buy a bun and forget about the misery I'm in.. even if it's short-lived. (& not enough to get re-addicted)
 
Hey ark9. Sorry the cravings are that bad. Do you have a way to handle situations like this? Personally, when I start craving, I need to take serious action quickly. Maybe visit with someone who doesn't use? Shit, sometimes I just go to the movies to get safe.
 
@shroomysatori. I notice that when I'm feeling good and strong, that's when the worst Cravings hit. I think it's because I get the feeling like oh hey I've got this! And then bam!! I'm in a situation ? Gotta learn to stay humble I suppose
 
I agree completely. When I start feeling great, that's when I want to get high again it seems. It's just like, I've done so well, and I beat this, so I may as well celebrate. It's such bs. Tolerance goes up faster than anything right? Even if I made it down to nothing, I feel like I would very quickly skyrocket back up to over 100mg oxy / day. Within a few days.
There is no way around it. I have to stop. I can't control this stuff at all when I get going with it. If I relapse, who knows how long my run will last before I gather up the strength to try quitting again - and when the wd's are worse than they were previously, it is not exactly encouraging...

I say this shit and here I am having unbearable cravings again... I think it's out of frustration this time. I've been having non-stop cravings lately. I just know that they will pass and to keep myself distracted. I never even knew cravings like that existed, though. Definitely not like fiending for a bong toke haha. Nothing at all like that. Every cell in my body was just screaming and calling out for them. This is really just getting started eh fucking hell.
 
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just finished my absurd aerobics class for the day. i can't fucking believe i'm going to aerobics classes. but i find that having the instructor and other students around does motivate me. and even though i don't feel like it, i *know* the exercise keeps my spirits up.

seriously, though... jazzercise is some humiliating shit. ok, it's not really jazzercise, but still...
 
Hey everyone. Sorry to jump back to election talk, but I just needed to check out mentally after that happened and haven't been around and seriously thought about using. What keeps gnawing at me and causing me anxiety is that I wouldn't have gotten sober without health insurance, made affordable by Obamacare. And while Trump says he's not going to dump Obamacare before there's an alternative, I don't buy it. I don't think Congress at all would have any problems sleeping at all after kicking 20 million people off Obamacare. My Congresswoman is a Democrat, but she is just one person out of 435. Dems better grow a pair and start filibustering shit, unless they want people to become so disillusioned they quit voting at all.

Hey Simco, I go to yoga. Got into it during rehab, actually. There's always the 20 year old women who can twist themselves into pretzels, but the middle aged and older ladies are having just as much trouble as me, so I don't feel quite so self-conscious.

Today is a lousy weather day in Florida (overcast and clammy). Maybe that's why my anxiety and mood have been particularly bad today. Hope everyone else is having a good day.
 
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