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What is happening? Please help.

Lizziedoll

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 20, 2016
Messages
11
Hi everyone,
I posted about this problem in May and 5 months on, I am still suffering. I really need your help, doctors are putting this down to mental health issues, anxiety, but I know it isn't.
I don't want to make this too long so I'll keep it as short and to the point as I can.
I lead a healthy lifestyle (no drugs, alcohol etc) until April this year where I met and fell in love with someone who did a lot of drugs. For about six weeks I would do coke with him about once a week, I would take half a gram each time so not a huge amount. The first couple lines I would feel great but as the evening went on I'd start to feel paranoid, withdrawn, anxious etc. The following day I would have a bad comedown and I noticed I would have visual problems like sensitivity to light, problems with perception, mild cognitive problems, snow vision etc. I didn't think much of it as it always went away. However on May 15, which was the last time I used coke or any type of drug, I met him totally sober and within half an hour did 2 or 3 shots of alcohol and did a couple of lines of coke. The high I felt was crazy, I felt so good, happy, ecstatic etc. We had a great night and woke up feeling fine. Around midday the following day I started feeling disconnected suddenly, started having major cognitive problems (short term memory loss, floaters in visual field, extreme light sensitivity), I would get crazy déjà-vu (example i can give you is walking down a familiar road and feeling I am not moving forward, I mean I can see and feel that I'm walking but the end of the road seem to stay at the same faraway distance) and what I discovered was depersonalisation (constantly). Also my pupils were constantly very dilated although that subsided after a few days/weeks. I didn't freak out at first and put it down to a comedown or tiredness but five months on, all these symptoms are still there. Over the months I've had numerous blood tests, a brain scan (I initially thought I'd had a small stroke or aneurysm), and an eye test. None of those showed any problem, except for the eye test which initially showed blisters at the back of my eye but a follow up showed those had gone? Every doctor has put this down to the drug having "triggered something psychological that was dormant" etc but I really believe this is bullshit. I am pretty sure this is neurological or physical at least and that whatever that drug was or was laced with did physical damage to me. It was sold to my boyfriend as coke but our friend thought he tasted something in it "maybe mephedrone". I just want to point out that 3 of us took it that night and no one else was unwell afterwards. I have a history of stress, depression, anxiety but I have never in my life experienced any of this. I can live with the visual problems, however distracting and horrible they are but the depersonalisation is constant and is driving me insane. I truly feel trapped in my own head and I fear I will never snap out of it and experience "reality" again. Does anyone have any idea what the fuck has happened to me? I really need help. Thank you
 
Sounds like maybe a combination of HPPD and like you said depersonization or derealization. Lay off the drugs, take care of yourself and I think it should go away eventually.

 
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Wow that's pretty scary. I just read about HPPD and some cases seem to be irreversible :(
 
Indeed I would put it down to depersonalisation (maybe derealisation), hppd including visual snow. Check out the mdma board you'll sadly find lots of friends there. Very similar long term comedowns (LTCs). Recovery can take weeks, months, years or not at all, it really is the luck of the draw. I do believe it's a result of damage or some temporary/permanent way in which the brain works. I truly believe there is not much you can do other than live healthily, practise mindfulness, exercise and never ever take drugs again. It's then just a matter of time to see if your brain can obtain some sort of equilibrium again. Wishing you the best.
 
I totally agree with nutty. Be careful driving. It's happened/happens to me when I am under extreme stress.
 
I hadn't heard of HPPD but having read about it, I seem to fit the bill. However a couple of things are odd. 1. I did not take hallucinogenics but cocaine (although I suppose it might've been laced with something), and 2. No one else developed HPPD (we all shared from the same wrap and I took a smaller amount than everyone else)
 
Floaters and hightened light sensitivity may be symptoms of HPPD but they are secondary in nature for this disorder. In your case these visual symptoms appear to be primary symptoms of visual distortion and i assume are more likely due to anxiety. Eye floaters, however, are only indirectly related to anxiety where it may have been a cause of their formation, in and of itself they have a distinct physical cause.

Have you considered trying medication in order to correct your mental and emotional disturbances?
 
Thank you for your message. I am on antidepressants since a few weeks after this incident and it has helped me cope with the anxiety and depression but has not helped with DP/DR or visual disturbances. The only time I have truly felt like I was "back" was when I took benzos a few days following the coke use, unfortunately they are addictive and not easy to get a long term prescription for, so they aren't an option really. I feel one bad decision and two lines of powder ruined me life, and I feel suicide might be the only way out at this point
 
Thank you for your message. I am on antidepressants since a few weeks after this incident and it has helped me cope with the anxiety and depression but has not helped with DP/DR or visual disturbances. The only time I have truly felt like I was "back" was when I took benzos a few days following the coke use, unfortunately they are addictive and not easy to get a long term prescription for, so they aren't an option really. I feel one bad decision and two lines of powder ruined me life, and I feel suicide might be the only way out at this point
If only we could turn back the clock, right? I too know all too well about that. Suicide plagued my mind for far too long. One has to forgive yourself and try not ruminate about a bad decision and no life is not fair. That said it does not change your present condition. You really just have to give yourself time. Time is a great healer. I have read of people who have literally scrambled their minds / been admitted and have come out the other side back to normal. This is a marathon now and not a sprint. You just have to keep on going, living healthily, using meds if you need the assistance and believe in the rejuvinative ability of your brain to rebalance itself. Best of luck
 
I hadn't heard of HPPD but having read about it, I seem to fit the bill. However a couple of things are odd. 1. I did not take hallucinogenics but cocaine (although I suppose it might've been laced with something), and 2. No one else developed HPPD (we all shared from the same wrap and I took a smaller amount than everyone else)
How do you know you didn't take hallucinogens? All you really know is that you took some powder or other. Probably some cocaine, but could easily have had some mdma in it. That makes sense to me, because you made a point of saying how great the night was after you took it. Even the best coke would only keep me happy for an hour or so, then it's back to baseline. If their was some mdma mixed in its a whole new dimension of fun.

As people mention above, hppd usually fades. I had it pretty bad from very high mdma / acid /all the other drugs use. Full on hallucinating for 18+ months. The secret for me was to try and not let it bother me. It did feel like permanent brain damage at the time. I couldn't go into big stores, all the colours and aisles made me feel like I would fall over. But the brain's plasticity is incredible, it knows how to fix itself. After a couple of years it started to die down, before long it was gone entirely. Try not to let it worry you, and before you know it I'm sure you'll be all fixed.
 
You've gotten some great advice here. I agree with Muzda - it sounds like the powder was laced. While coke feels great, it is so very short lived. If there was MDMA or some other RC mixed in, it is not unreasonable to take much longer to come back to base line. It can take a while to heal in some cases, and that is not as uncommon as people think. I would definately advise you to stay away from benzos unless explicitly prescribed by your doctor as they dramatically slow down any type of neurological healing...they will only prolong the issues if damage was done.

Try not to think about it as it's only making you feel worse. Keep working with your doctor and keep posting on here if you're having a rough time and need to get things out. You will get better!
 
Thank you for your message. I am on antidepressants since a few weeks after this incident and it has helped me cope with the anxiety and depression but has not helped with DP/DR or visual disturbances. The only time I have truly felt like I was "back" was when I took benzos a few days following the coke use, unfortunately they are addictive and not easy to get a long term prescription for, so they aren't an option really. I feel one bad decision and two lines of powder ruined me life, and I feel suicide might be the only way out at this point

No, please don't think like that. You didn't ruin your life with one bad decision, it just may take a while and some work to get back to normal. It took the guy in the vid I posted 2 YEARS to overcome his derealization but he didn't give up. Also while it's totally understandable, worrying about your symptoms is actually going to give you more anxiety and worsen them. Try to go easy on yourself. When you feel anxious try telling yourself I'm not going to be like this forever. Breathing or meditation would probably help too.
 
Thank you for your message. I am on antidepressants since a few weeks after this incident and it has helped me cope with the anxiety and depression but has not helped with DP/DR or visual disturbances. The only time I have truly felt like I was "back" was when I took benzos a few days following the coke use, unfortunately they are addictive and not easy to get a long term prescription for, so they aren't an option really. I feel one bad decision and two lines of powder ruined me life, and I feel suicide might be the only way out at this point

The fact that you felt you were "back" when you took benzos clearly suggests that what you have is an issue of anxiety. If you are currently taking antidepressants and starting to have suicidal thoughts then this is a sign the the medication or the dosage may not be appropriate for you. The fact that your medication did not cure your DP/DR is also a reason to adjust your current treatment by most likely changing the antidepressant and/or other options as your doctor may suggest.
It is also important to note that medication does not cure you but helps your body to stabilize itself so the factor of time should also be considered as your body tries to balance out the anxious turmoil that happens inside of you.

Also, do not be afraid of taking benzos they are a great tool in managing anxiety.
 
I want to thank you all so much for taking the time to write back. I will comment if I do end up getting over this someday. Thank you
 
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