My Drug confession
As many drug enthusiasts do, I peruse erowid I’d say at least a couple times a week, so I shall lead with the trip report style introduction.
It is worth mentioning I just smoked a little bit of DMT, low dose of course (otherwise I wouldn’t be able to type)
To this date, here is the list and amount of drugs I have done, I will rank them from first exposure to last.
Drug: Weed
Amount: Hard to calculate, daily use for 5 years in Herbage, Edible and Wax variety. Recently I was ordering a QP of herb every 3 months (I sell a little bit, but smoke most of it myself)
Thoughts: Love it to death, I know I am psychologically addicted, as most long term smokers are. (Not as innocent as it once seemed, upon reflection)
Drug: Cocaine
Amount: 3 grams
Thoughts: I don’t get the fuss, it’s overpriced as fuck, gives you a bit of energy and a tiny bit of Euphoria, the short duration brings out fiendish behavior.
Drug: Heroin
Amount: 1 gram
Thoughts: Peaceful, makes you feel complacent and relaxed. The itchiness and inability to sleep is a sober reminder to the intoxicating experience.
Drug: MDMA
Amount: 2 grams
Thoughts: The equivalent of canned Euphoria, it feels fake, you sweat a lot, and can’t sit still. The Synesthesia is interesting, but not worth the super fired feeling in my opinion.
Drug: Ketamine
Amount: 2 grams
Thoughts: Makes your body feel drunk, and brings mental calmness.
Drug: Methamphetamine
Amount: 8.22 grams
Thoughts: I told myself I needed to try it, within a month I finished a gram. It gives you energy and makes you feel like a boss, king of your world. When I got my first gram I said I wouldn’t get anymore, after I finished the gram I’d say I ordered a 1/4 oz within two weeks. When your on it you wonder why everyone else doesn’t do it, and the answer is because it is addictive as fuck. First it was, only when I need the energy, then it was only a couple times a week, then it turned into the not every day mentality, then only to not do it when you can feel the strain on your system from constant use. It’s a hell of a drug…But in my defense, I never tweaked and never went over 20 mg, averaging at about 10.
Drug: LSD
Amount: 30 some hits
Thoughts: Love a good trip, it makes everyone more interesting. Realized there was a problem when I was dropping practically every week, sometimes days apart. Don’t necessarily like the body high at times, the aversion to eating and drinking, the strained chest, and overall body rigidity. (That’s why you smoke a bunch of weed with it, to relax,.and by a bunch I mean a bowl every two hours max. Loved practically every trip until it turned on me, and I am still puzzled to why. I dropped after a good day at work, just wanting to relax, had a small meal before, a little bit of weed and all of a sudden while watching TV on my computer the screen got uncomfortably bright…At some point into the feeling of uncomfortableness, I decided to smoke more weed. A little while later I started to tell myself I should not freak out as my heart started to pound really fast and I started sweating profusely. I grabbed an ice pack to cover my forehead, and then I felt like I wasn’t able to breathe. My body began to panic as if I was choking on something, and I was having difficulty swallowing and breathing…Since I noticed the brightness of the computer screen my vision kept getting more distorted…I started to feel like I was going to pass out, and in all honesty probably have a seizure or something.
For a good 20 minutes I was in a cycle of getting up, shaking my hands in panic as if I was choking, drinking water to clear my throat, sitting down as to not pass out, and looking up my symptoms in fear of a irreversible problem. After I had been restless from this discomfort for about half an hour, I bit the bullet in concern of my personal safety (not wanting to die) and alerted my mother to the fact that I wasn’t feeling well, and that I think I needed to go to the hospital. In the panic of the moment (and I mean panic, as I didn’t even make it into her car with anything but underwear on, I forgot to mention that I had dropped acid.
WE got to the hospital and I was admitted slowly, as my mum expressed concern to the nurses about my pre-existing health problems, I realized the shit show I was about to endure. once I got to a room they attached heart monitors, an IV, and had me piss in a cup. Eventually the doctor came in and asked for a moment alone with me, seeing as that I’m an adult.
There was no fooling her, she new I was on drugs and asked what I had taken. I told her a couple hits of acid, and her immediate response was something to the tune of it is an unpredictable drug. I told her I didn’t know what had happened, it was for me a manageable dose. Anyways, she then gave me the ultimatum of telling my mother or telling my mother, and gave me time to do so.
I remained mostly silent with my mom in the room, trying to calm down and rest, in addition to figure out what to say…Eventually she asked what I wasn’t telling her, and I said I had dropped two hits of acid. In the somewhat disturbed and shook state I was in, I also admitted to my constant drug use for the past six months including all of the substances previously mentioned in addition to DMT. I also, in retrospect over-shared in my personal emotional state and problems relating to my recently deceased father.
By the time she drove me home 4 hours later I was given the ultimatum of quit drug use all together at home, or go to Rehab. Within a mere 4 hours I went from relatively innocent son to addict in the eyes of my mother.
Fast forward four days later, and I had convinced her that a little bit of weed is not the worst thing for me, until I can wean myself off and get the other shit out of my system. three days after telling her I would quit even weed eventually, I was back to smoking at work, thinking how could I ever live without weed.
Today my friend innocently remarked that I have looked stoned while at work for the entirty of the last two days. I have also smoke very low doses of DMT a couple in the last two days.
In a conversation I had with my mother yesterday, she asked if I had given her all of my stash the night we came back from the hospital, I told her yes, lying about the 5 grams of DMT I had paid for a week before my bad trip.
She said if she ever caught me lying about drugs again, I would have to find somewhere else to live.
In my exposure to drugs I have learned a few things, one is that a lot of drugs are overly demonized, Meth being the main one, not to say that they are not dangerous and pose threat of addiction, and self destruction, but that in the majority of cases addicts are almost depicted in a cartoonish/propoganda type way. The second thing that I have learned is that drug use gets out of hand faster then you realize, to the point that you don’t realize you have a problem, until you have a problem on your hands.
So here I am, a 22 year old guy who has experimented with a number of recreational drugs in the past six months, and I know whole heartedly that I have already lied to my mother after telling her I wouldn’t, and don’t seek to remedy the situation at all, in fear of the consequences.
I love my mother, and she is no innocent player, as she has done her fair share of drugs, but seeing my father struggle with addiction/depression my entire life, and me slowly falling into the same path in her eyes, she seems closed minded to me. Mainly due to the fact that she has called multiple family members to alert them to my fuck up, and path of recovery that I am on.
I have learned that drugs enhance life, there is one for everything. Meth for energy, Acid for watching good movies and sex (or masturbation), Weed for Pain/escape/ammusement, Ketamine for Pain/escape, DMT for pain/escape…And fuck Coke and Molly (not my cup of tea)
Before any responses are formed, it is worth mentioning that while I may have recently overindulged in the aspect of frequency, it was never amounts. I never did more than 15 mg of meth, 100 mg of Molly, 50mg of DMT, 150 mg of Ketamine, 10 mg of Heroin, 500mcg of LSD, or 50mg of coke over several hours.
Before my recent LSD trip gone bad, I had only had two OD panics, one being on Molly where I hastilly scribbled an 22 page confession of drug use in a sketch book, thinking I was going to have a heart attack or something. I told my mom I loved her, and not to blame herself if I didn’t make it. (It is worth mentioning, I still have it stashed away, and obviously never shared it with anyone. The second OD panic was after snorting about 20mg of DMT, tripping for what seemed like 10 minutes, only to wake up choking, not knowing who or where I was, and in the sudden realization that drugs had ruined my life, and that I had got to that point in a split second.
I’m not saying I don’t have a problem, I’m just looking for some friendly words of advice.
As I mentioned before my father died recently, and that was before the start of my heavy usage. In fact I have came to the realization that I was heavily using in an attempt to understand how my father had neglected our relationship. I felt like I needed to do drugs to understand drugs and the pysche behind them. Safe to say I understand now, to some degree.
I’m looking for someone who can relate to some of the things I have just explained, while I am looking for some friendly words of advice, I am also not looking to be stigmatized or talked down to.
I’m in a bit of a vulnerable position and mental state.
As many drug enthusiasts do, I peruse erowid I’d say at least a couple times a week, so I shall lead with the trip report style introduction.
It is worth mentioning I just smoked a little bit of DMT, low dose of course (otherwise I wouldn’t be able to type)
To this date, here is the list and amount of drugs I have done, I will rank them from first exposure to last.
Drug: Weed
Amount: Hard to calculate, daily use for 5 years in Herbage, Edible and Wax variety. Recently I was ordering a QP of herb every 3 months (I sell a little bit, but smoke most of it myself)
Thoughts: Love it to death, I know I am psychologically addicted, as most long term smokers are. (Not as innocent as it once seemed, upon reflection)
Drug: Cocaine
Amount: 3 grams
Thoughts: I don’t get the fuss, it’s overpriced as fuck, gives you a bit of energy and a tiny bit of Euphoria, the short duration brings out fiendish behavior.
Drug: Heroin
Amount: 1 gram
Thoughts: Peaceful, makes you feel complacent and relaxed. The itchiness and inability to sleep is a sober reminder to the intoxicating experience.
Drug: MDMA
Amount: 2 grams
Thoughts: The equivalent of canned Euphoria, it feels fake, you sweat a lot, and can’t sit still. The Synesthesia is interesting, but not worth the super fired feeling in my opinion.
Drug: Ketamine
Amount: 2 grams
Thoughts: Makes your body feel drunk, and brings mental calmness.
Drug: Methamphetamine
Amount: 8.22 grams
Thoughts: I told myself I needed to try it, within a month I finished a gram. It gives you energy and makes you feel like a boss, king of your world. When I got my first gram I said I wouldn’t get anymore, after I finished the gram I’d say I ordered a 1/4 oz within two weeks. When your on it you wonder why everyone else doesn’t do it, and the answer is because it is addictive as fuck. First it was, only when I need the energy, then it was only a couple times a week, then it turned into the not every day mentality, then only to not do it when you can feel the strain on your system from constant use. It’s a hell of a drug…But in my defense, I never tweaked and never went over 20 mg, averaging at about 10.
Drug: LSD
Amount: 30 some hits
Thoughts: Love a good trip, it makes everyone more interesting. Realized there was a problem when I was dropping practically every week, sometimes days apart. Don’t necessarily like the body high at times, the aversion to eating and drinking, the strained chest, and overall body rigidity. (That’s why you smoke a bunch of weed with it, to relax,.and by a bunch I mean a bowl every two hours max. Loved practically every trip until it turned on me, and I am still puzzled to why. I dropped after a good day at work, just wanting to relax, had a small meal before, a little bit of weed and all of a sudden while watching TV on my computer the screen got uncomfortably bright…At some point into the feeling of uncomfortableness, I decided to smoke more weed. A little while later I started to tell myself I should not freak out as my heart started to pound really fast and I started sweating profusely. I grabbed an ice pack to cover my forehead, and then I felt like I wasn’t able to breathe. My body began to panic as if I was choking on something, and I was having difficulty swallowing and breathing…Since I noticed the brightness of the computer screen my vision kept getting more distorted…I started to feel like I was going to pass out, and in all honesty probably have a seizure or something.
For a good 20 minutes I was in a cycle of getting up, shaking my hands in panic as if I was choking, drinking water to clear my throat, sitting down as to not pass out, and looking up my symptoms in fear of a irreversible problem. After I had been restless from this discomfort for about half an hour, I bit the bullet in concern of my personal safety (not wanting to die) and alerted my mother to the fact that I wasn’t feeling well, and that I think I needed to go to the hospital. In the panic of the moment (and I mean panic, as I didn’t even make it into her car with anything but underwear on, I forgot to mention that I had dropped acid.
WE got to the hospital and I was admitted slowly, as my mum expressed concern to the nurses about my pre-existing health problems, I realized the shit show I was about to endure. once I got to a room they attached heart monitors, an IV, and had me piss in a cup. Eventually the doctor came in and asked for a moment alone with me, seeing as that I’m an adult.
There was no fooling her, she new I was on drugs and asked what I had taken. I told her a couple hits of acid, and her immediate response was something to the tune of it is an unpredictable drug. I told her I didn’t know what had happened, it was for me a manageable dose. Anyways, she then gave me the ultimatum of telling my mother or telling my mother, and gave me time to do so.
I remained mostly silent with my mom in the room, trying to calm down and rest, in addition to figure out what to say…Eventually she asked what I wasn’t telling her, and I said I had dropped two hits of acid. In the somewhat disturbed and shook state I was in, I also admitted to my constant drug use for the past six months including all of the substances previously mentioned in addition to DMT. I also, in retrospect over-shared in my personal emotional state and problems relating to my recently deceased father.
By the time she drove me home 4 hours later I was given the ultimatum of quit drug use all together at home, or go to Rehab. Within a mere 4 hours I went from relatively innocent son to addict in the eyes of my mother.
Fast forward four days later, and I had convinced her that a little bit of weed is not the worst thing for me, until I can wean myself off and get the other shit out of my system. three days after telling her I would quit even weed eventually, I was back to smoking at work, thinking how could I ever live without weed.
Today my friend innocently remarked that I have looked stoned while at work for the entirty of the last two days. I have also smoke very low doses of DMT a couple in the last two days.
In a conversation I had with my mother yesterday, she asked if I had given her all of my stash the night we came back from the hospital, I told her yes, lying about the 5 grams of DMT I had paid for a week before my bad trip.
She said if she ever caught me lying about drugs again, I would have to find somewhere else to live.
In my exposure to drugs I have learned a few things, one is that a lot of drugs are overly demonized, Meth being the main one, not to say that they are not dangerous and pose threat of addiction, and self destruction, but that in the majority of cases addicts are almost depicted in a cartoonish/propoganda type way. The second thing that I have learned is that drug use gets out of hand faster then you realize, to the point that you don’t realize you have a problem, until you have a problem on your hands.
So here I am, a 22 year old guy who has experimented with a number of recreational drugs in the past six months, and I know whole heartedly that I have already lied to my mother after telling her I wouldn’t, and don’t seek to remedy the situation at all, in fear of the consequences.
I love my mother, and she is no innocent player, as she has done her fair share of drugs, but seeing my father struggle with addiction/depression my entire life, and me slowly falling into the same path in her eyes, she seems closed minded to me. Mainly due to the fact that she has called multiple family members to alert them to my fuck up, and path of recovery that I am on.
I have learned that drugs enhance life, there is one for everything. Meth for energy, Acid for watching good movies and sex (or masturbation), Weed for Pain/escape/ammusement, Ketamine for Pain/escape, DMT for pain/escape…And fuck Coke and Molly (not my cup of tea)
Before any responses are formed, it is worth mentioning that while I may have recently overindulged in the aspect of frequency, it was never amounts. I never did more than 15 mg of meth, 100 mg of Molly, 50mg of DMT, 150 mg of Ketamine, 10 mg of Heroin, 500mcg of LSD, or 50mg of coke over several hours.
Before my recent LSD trip gone bad, I had only had two OD panics, one being on Molly where I hastilly scribbled an 22 page confession of drug use in a sketch book, thinking I was going to have a heart attack or something. I told my mom I loved her, and not to blame herself if I didn’t make it. (It is worth mentioning, I still have it stashed away, and obviously never shared it with anyone. The second OD panic was after snorting about 20mg of DMT, tripping for what seemed like 10 minutes, only to wake up choking, not knowing who or where I was, and in the sudden realization that drugs had ruined my life, and that I had got to that point in a split second.
I’m not saying I don’t have a problem, I’m just looking for some friendly words of advice.
As I mentioned before my father died recently, and that was before the start of my heavy usage. In fact I have came to the realization that I was heavily using in an attempt to understand how my father had neglected our relationship. I felt like I needed to do drugs to understand drugs and the pysche behind them. Safe to say I understand now, to some degree.
I’m looking for someone who can relate to some of the things I have just explained, while I am looking for some friendly words of advice, I am also not looking to be stigmatized or talked down to.
I’m in a bit of a vulnerable position and mental state.
