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Should this be the end?

R

ReluctantUser

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
4
Greetings all, this is my first post. First off I am an alcoholic and rather a garbage head when the occasion arises. Several weeks ago I posted on FB my suicide note, but my aunt walked in my house while in the act and the police prevented the situation. I have been looking for a painless way to do this as my father just passed and my mother is in the hospital and may soon suffer the same fate. I have suffered from MDD for years and it has only gotten worse with my alcoholism and drug abuse. I will not bother posting my entire suicide note here as it was not as poetic as I planned as it was written in haste. I am still undecided on the issue, but if my mother passes, I will be homeless and left with nothing; making it the most logical solution for me. I would like to know (I have looked up several LD50's of the drugs I possess) if anyone knows a cheap way to make my transition. I have several Benzo's, blood pressure meds, and that's all I can think of that will do the trick aside from adding tons of alcohol. Also I may be going to jail in several weeks and if that is the case, would like to do it before then. My entire family except one hate me and is afraid of me in my altered states. I would appreciate any known methods of euthanasia and not a lecture on how I should stay living. I have never posted here, so hope this is the place to do this. I don't want a lecture, simply advice. I have heard a proper hanging is a good method, but think I would prefer and overdose of a kind. Thanks in advance, and I may change my mind about this if my mother lives through what she is going through. This is not definite, I am simply looking for ideas. The post I wanted to comment on was closed, so I hope this one will not be before I get some input. Thank you.
 
Yeah. I understand what you are going through. I went through an almost similar thing. It will be very hard to rebuild your life after what you did. The most damaging thing you did is sharing your note on facebook. A note like that can spread virally and people now know what kind of person you are although they may not say it to your face. They will look at you in silent disdain. The damage you did to your reputation is substantial as now even future employers will note your suicidal tendencies. If you plan on living, here is what you have to do. Delete your facebook, change your name, and change where you live. It may be the case you cannot even live in the United States. You have to live in the shadows for a while until this situation dies out. Please do not be where you at. People that you know will always remember you as the loon who tried to off himself so if you plan on living, start a new life.
If you plan on doing what you want to do, my suggestion would be barbituates or benzodiazepines. Good luck!
 
Sorry, RU - I don't mean to lecture - but I just don't think it is fair or reasonable to ask people to tell you how to die and tell them not to say that you shouldn't do it. You indicate you are unhappy with your addiction issues - have you sought help in trying to get sober?

I am sorry you lost your dad and that your mom is ill. I really hope she pulls through for your benefit. Grief is hard and everyone deals with it differently, have you considered counseling? You just lost a parent, which is a rough time for most people. Please don't decide to end your life because you are temporarily suffering.

Sorry i did exactly what you didn't want, but I can't just not say it. Also, I think perhaps asking people how to commit suicide is against the rules here on BL. I only say that cause I've seen posts like this be closed or deleted in the past.

- VE

ETA: I went and read the BLUA again. I think this may fall under discussing "criminal activity" but did not see anything specific to suicide being off limits.
 
Society is extremely cruel. You have done more damage to your reputation than you could possibly imagine. Your note on facebook spread faster than a forest fire, literally. You need to find a way to circumvent this problem. And you need to avoid jail because after you serve your jail time, you will be lucky to get a job at McDonalds. If you plan on continuing your life, you need to play more carefully. You have NO PRIVACY on facebook. You waived it the second you made an account
 
I don't think anyone here is going to give you suicide advice in open forum. Maybe if you PM someone who sounds sympathetic you'll get some help. It's too bad really but there is such a stigma against helping someone else out when it comes to dying that you're seen as real shitheal if you give this kind of advice. I plan on taking myself out but I've done extensive research for over a year and am making sure I don't fuck up. That's the last thing you want so my advice is to be careful and do some serious research. Life is very difficult and suffering is the norm to one extent or another. So I sure won't judge you negatively. Your situation seems very rough. You have all my empathy my friend and I'm sorry life has dealt you such a shitty hand.
 
The FB post was deleted the next day. I could care less about my FB posts as I only sign on maybe once every few months; I don't really do social media. I'm in Mensa, 140+ IQ, skilled in math and science (mostly physics), majored in ceramic engineering, and am a capable programmer; I will not take a job at McDonalds. And no, I didn't wave my privacy. I made one post in about 8 years and deleted it the next day. Granted it is still available, but only to those whom know how to find it or already read it. and saved it.

@VastEmpty Yes, over the years I have been in 10 rehabs, the longest being 6 months. I am planning on going into a 6-12 month program as soon as I know my mother will live. I also thought the Dark Side forum was for such things as asking the darker questions that humans face, such as suicide; which is why I posted here. I have seen similar posts on this site in other forums that were referred here. I do, in no way, mean to sound obnoxious or insulting, I am just following what I have seen posted here in the past. I am not out to offend anyone in any way, simply asking for advice if I so choose to end my life as I feel is my right.
\
 
Yeah man. We all want to help you but there is a stigma going around in society that is it wrong and/or illegal to tell someone how to do something. I would go on a different forum, but I will say that what you are looking for starts with the letter "B". Don't do alcohol man. That hurts like hell!
 
. I'm in Mensa, 140+ IQ, skilled in math and science (mostly physics), majored in ceramic engineering, and am a capable programmer;
Click to expand...

I don't mean to be harsh but if you're that smart you should be able to figure this one out for yourself.
 
:| Tough situation, so I feel such empathy for you. Many things can change the trajectory of your life. Chronic illness/pain can deeply affect our ability to cope with loss and the loneliness we're left with. I certainly do not fault you for considering suicide, though I would say for now...LIVE for your mother. She may pull through only to die from heartbreak that you've taken your own life. Tell yourself you have that option "down the road", but give yourself time.

You sound intelligent and thoughtful. I can see where you'd be able to make yourself a good living. Lord knows I don't have answers.

I am 55, battling disease for many decades. Not gonna lie...I am disappointed every day that I awaken ONCE AGAIN to have to do this shit all over again. I cannot recall a life without pain. It only gets worse to cope, as my body ages. I have a dear husband of 36 years. He's the only reason I stay. It comforts me to know when the road gets too rough for me to maintain my dignity, I can hit the exit.

Don't hang yourself. Another member told of his misadventure with attempted hanging. He said the beam broke. Now, many years later, he is happy it did. I have a rather dark macabre sense of humor, so we joked about it. There was a book published by The Hemlock Society many years ago. Our world has changed MUCH since then.

I truly believe all states should make legal (assisted suicide) like Oregon did. I think of Brittany Maynard. I've tried to have the conversation with my husband, but no way. I will stay with him as long as I can do so of my own volition. I'm not sure how much longer that can be. For today I say FUCK IT...I'm going to vape some MMJ and watch Downton Abbey.

Always...Wait one more day! Things may turn around for you. Keep your options open!
 
This is some very tough shit. The reality of our true condition, to end in decay and death with a real possibility of depression and physical pain. I have a lot of empathy for all of us. Whatever each person decides for themselves, I'll honor that.
 
ReluctantUser - welcome to Bluelight! Yes, you're in a tough situation but it is not impossible. Nobody here is going to help you with committing suicide. Attempting an overdose is very risky as it is surprisingly difficult to actually commit suicide with a drug cocktail. Often times people survive and are left in a worse situation as they have sustained permanent brain damage. Please don't listen to deadendgame, you are not automatically unemployable or ostracized from society because you posted your suicide note online. Yes, that wasn't a good decision but you are not the first nor will you be the last person to contemplate suicide. I bet many people connected to you on Facebook have had similar thoughts, only they didn't advertise them online. You posting a suicide note online signifies that you are really struggling in life, nothing more, nothing less. Did anyone reach out to you after you posted it?

Right now you are going through tough times, and the benzos and booze only make it significantly worse. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to get into therapy ASAP, and start tapering down on the benzos and stop the booze. If you have alcohol withdrawal then stop the booze but continue on with the benzos. If you need exact info on how to do so please message me - I am a recovering alcoholic and benzo addict. Do not just stop both simultaneously as it's both very dangerous and very painful (speaking from experience), and it will almost instantaneously make you stupid for a little while (you will forget your name) until your brain and body stabilize and heal. I promise you the alcoholism is only making the depression exponentially worse, I drank for 17 years regularly and then daily, always heavy, and my depression reached levels I didn't realize was possible. I attempted suicide more times than I can count, most often by trying to mix pills and booze. It really doesn't work like you see in the movies but I won't discuss the details because I don't want you to troubleshoot and find workarounds to be successful.

The best thing you can do for yourself is find a good therapist, one that deals with depression, anxiety, and addiction. You have multiple levels to resolve to get to a better place. You need to learn how to deal with life in a healthy manner and not rely on substance. This is not an easy process but it is so worth it. Your Mom is still alive and it may help her get better if you start taking action to get better yourself. One thing I learned in my deep dark descent into the rabbit hole is that you addiction and depression sucks the life out of family that love you...you getting on the path to health may make all the difference in the world for your Mom to start improving. My parents were/are in their 70's when my addition was at its worst and I thought they were going to die at any minute - I had no idea I was what was killing them. My addiction caused my Dad to have cardiac events and be hospitalized on numerous occasions. It took a lot of time and two trips to rehab but I am now over two years sober. The process sucked, it was hard, and I wouldn't trade it for the world because I am so much happier than I ever have been in life now. I'm 40 years old, was a depressed kid, a weird youth, and a failure as an adult. I am just starting my life as previously I had never lived. I never thought it could get better. Even the bad times now are better than the good times back when I was drinking.

Don't commit suicide - we cannot predict the future, we can't even accurately guess. Give sobriety a try. Give yourself sometime. If you're not remotely better in five years, and you've made life changes and have given it a valid go of it then off yourself - send me a message, I will tell you the quickest most painless way to go. Don't just throw in the towel yet. Please do message me now for conversation, I know how hard it is and I know what it's like when getting out of bed in the morning is a major accomplishment. I also know what it's like to have everyone hate you because you're miserable and drunk. We change, people change, we get better and people's attitudes and perceptions of us improve. Screw Facebook, who cares that you advertised your issues; they're yours, own them, they are nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who is judging you has issues; happy well adjusted people don't speak poorly of people when they're down, nor do they hold it against them. Get healthy, reconnect on Facebook, let people know you've overcome your problems and you will be admired. Give all this a thought. You deserve better than this and you can have better than this.
 
I want to share my experience with being a career professional and being a raging alcoholic suicidal pill popper. In the thick of my addiction I worked IT for a city, which meant I also worked for/with their emergency responders - police and fire. Everyone knew I was a drunk and would try to give me encouragement. My depression got so bad that I was attempting suicide once a month, sometimes more frequently. This went on for a year. I would drink a lot of alcohol and take several Xaxax (10+) and a bottle of Ambien (which I had around as that stuff didn't phase me). Of course someone would find me unconscious and they would call 911, so frequently the people I gave IT support to would be in my house, and because people knew me I would end up with five or six cop cars parked out front with fire and rescue. Nine out of ten times I would only be in my underwear (I'm a girl, I'm modest, it was embarrassing). If it was a particularly tough time for me I would slice my arm up (I was a cutter) before popping pills so there was that. I would usually have these events during the week so I would go to the hospital, they would pump me full of stimulants and charcoal, then I would have to go to work the very next day. I knew these people knew how suicidal I was and I still had to work with them. They knew all my problems and it was humiliating. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I checked into rehab. I had to quit that job. Two years after rehab I got a much better job in the same city - it paid double what the city job paid and had better benefits and loads less stress. As the job was writing software for the military, I had to get a Top Secret clearance. I passed and got the clearance even though I had the addiction and all the suicide attempts. I was open and honest about everything and was not penalized. The point that I'm trying to make to you is that your career opportunities are not over just because you posted something on Facebook. You're embarrassed now but that embarrassment will go away when you start getting better. I have since moved to a different city but frequently go back to my old city where all that really big fun went down and I see people who witnessed my downfall. We talk about aspects of it if they ask. Nobody treats me poorly because of it, as a matter of fact many of them ask me personal questions on how I recovered because they have a friend or family member going through something similar and they want to help. It was a bump in the road, and not something I am ashamed of anymore. Could it hold me back in my career, in some instances yes. I'm certain there are some positions I wouldn't qualify for because of the mental health piece, but those were positions I wasn't interested in to begin with. Three years after that time I had a job where I was making almost six figures a year. I had met the love of my life, got married, and bought a house on a golf course a few miles from the ocean.When I Was actively drinking I never saw that happening. I was thrity-five when I got married - it was my first marriage. I always thought I would be alone. I always thought I would be stick in the same small town with the same low paying city job barely making ends meet, drinking and generally feeling like shit. I never saw the life that I live today happening, not in a million years. I just wanted to share - everything is temporary, life always changes...sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. If you get through this you will be so much stronger than you were that when life hits you with something difficult again, you'll be better equipped to handle it.

Sending big hugs to you!
 
Moreaux said:
I want to share my experience with being a career professional and being a raging alcoholic suicidal pill popper. In the thick of my addiction I worked IT for a city, which meant I also worked for/with their emergency responders - police and fire. Everyone knew I was a drunk and would try to give me encouragement. My depression got so bad that I was attempting suicide once a month, sometimes more frequently. This went on for a year. I would drink a lot of alcohol and take several Xaxax (10+) and a bottle of Ambien (which I had around as that stuff didn't phase me). Of course someone would find me unconscious and they would call 911, so frequently the people I gave IT support to would be in my house, and because people knew me I would end up with five or six cop cars parked out front with fire and rescue. Nine out of ten times I would only be in my underwear (I'm a girl, I'm modest, it was embarrassing). If it was a particularly tough time for me I would slice my arm up (I was a cutter) before popping pills so there was that. I would usually have these events during the week so I would go to the hospital, they would pump me full of stimulants and charcoal, then I would have to go to work the very next day. I knew these people knew how suicidal I was and I still had to work with them. They knew all my problems and it was humiliating. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I checked into rehab. I had to quit that job. Two years after rehab I got a much better job in the same city - it paid double what the city job paid and had better benefits and loads less stress. As the job was writing software for the military, I had to get a Top Secret clearance. I passed and got the clearance even though I had the addiction and all the suicide attempts. I was open and honest about everything and was not penalized. The point that I'm trying to make to you is that your career opportunities are not over just because you posted something on Facebook. You're embarrassed now but that embarrassment will go away when you start getting better. I have since moved to a different city but frequently go back to my old city where all that really big fun went down and I see people who witnessed my downfall. We talk about aspects of it if they ask. Nobody treats me poorly because of it, as a matter of fact many of them ask me personal questions on how I recovered because they have a friend or family member going through something similar and they want to help. It was a bump in the road, and not something I am ashamed of anymore. Could it hold me back in my career, in some instances yes. I'm certain there are some positions I wouldn't qualify for because of the mental health piece, but those were positions I wasn't interested in to begin with. Three years after that time I had a job where I was making almost six figures a year. I had met the love of my life, got married, and bought a house on a golf course a few miles from the ocean.When I Was actively drinking I never saw that happening. I was thrity-five when I got married - it was my first marriage. I always thought I would be alone. I always thought I would be stick in the same small town with the same low paying city job barely making ends meet, drinking and generally feeling like shit. I never saw the life that I live today happening, not in a million years. I just wanted to share - everything is temporary, life always changes...sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. If you get through this you will be so much stronger than you were that when life hits you with something difficult again, you'll be better equipped to handle it.

Sending big hugs to you!
Click to expand...
qft

suicide is a permanent solution for what is often a temporary problem ya dig ?
 
It's still a solution and in the end you're dead anyway. What's a year or twenty. Underlying your quote that is often bandied about when the topic of suicide come up is the unconscious belief in personal immortality. See Ernest Becker's Denial of Death And in many cases the suicide who holds back continues to suffer and suffer year after year waiting for a relief that never really materializes.
 
It is quite possible to support the right of every human being, regardless of age, illness, circumstances or cause of despair, to end his or her own life and to still hold the opinion that it is not usually the best solution. I agree with Moreaux that giving a sober life a full and concentrated chance before allowing despair to be the final word is a good idea in your case. Do you think if you could kill the despair you would want to live? Most of us would but some might still answer 'no'. It depends how much a person has detached from life. The truth is that Bluelight does not allow threads on how to end life--it would be irresponsible and IMO immoral to do so on the internet. Having said that, there are many resources on the web elsewhere. I am not closing this thread because I think that no matter how you feel about your life and imagined death at this moment, you did reach out to your fellow human beings for help. While we cannot advise someone how to kill him/herself we can certainly relate to your feelings of overwhelming despair--most of us here have felt the same (or currently still are in some cases).

I can only imagine that dealing with the grief of your father's death, the anxiety over your mother's illness and having anything at all to do with the criminal injustice system, not to mention fear of homelessness etc, would have you quite rationally wanting out of your pain. But here is a truth:grief can be a wisdom, loss can be a door opened, not slammed. Anxiety can be tamed and diminished. A life of cascading mistakes and failures can be the source of great compassion and courage and resilience--and the world needs so much more of this. The best people I know are people that have been broken and know exactly what that means and how it feels.
 
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