Just Relapsed After 1st Outpatient Rehab Session

[Sobrietysucks]

Hi I just came back from my first outpatient therapy session. It's the SMART kind.
It was a horrible experience I couldn't focus on anything anyone was saying and kept stressing out over when it would be my turn to speak, I was a nervous wreck which ruined the remainder of the session. I was so angry at my inability to keep it cool. I came home angry and just snorted a ritalin and wanna get fucked up.
Funny how something that's supposed to help did the completely opposkte.


Did outpatient therapy help you? How was your experience?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

it sounds like you have some social anxiety?

maybe social interaction while sober is a trigger for you

 

[Sobrietysucks]

it sounds like you have some social anxiety?

maybe social interaction while sober is a trigger for you

Yes. I took a Xanax an hour before going but that even couldn't help me. Bjt I also drank coffee and had a cigarette which most likely excarberate my anxiety. I was fine until i walked in the room late, then my heart began to beat hundred miles an hour seeing people (sat in circles) talk one by one.

I made this thread to see if anyone had a similar experience so I can know if the problem is just me or the outpatient therapy environment..?. Everyone seemed so confident and relived to open themselves up while I stressed the fuck out. Once the panic started, i should have left the room but i froze and endured through the whole 2 excrutiating hours.

Everyone knew each other and I was the only new person there

 

[Moreaux]

Sometimes outpatient helped me and sometimes it was a trigger. I found if I wasn't engaged with the material being discussed then I was just actively focused on my addiction which meant indirectly I was focused on my DOC and then would go use immediately after the session.

I have also experienced extreme anxiety in outpatient sessions but I am not certain the specific trigger. I have had sessions where I would sit there dripping sweat barely able to keep it together but it wasn't that I was nervous or intimidated by anyone else. I think I felt trapped. I also felt like I was failing, and having to sit in a group of my peers everyone else seemed to be doing great and then there I was - barely hanging on.

I also think my expectations of how outpatient would help me were incorrect or misguided. I have always expected therapy in any form to just instantly click and life would immediately improve, which is unrealistic. Many times I expected therapy to make staying sober easier and I found that only rarely did I get introduced to new tools that would accomplish that goal. I'm not trying to knock therapy as looking back I did get a lot out of it, however, it really does take time for the pieces to fit to where there is a noticeable impact and life to get better, and that also added to my anxiety in outpatient.

I wanted desperately to be sober, like yesterday, and it seemed to take so long to make progress, which definately added to the trapped feeling and the anxiety.

In your situation you may want to record how you felt in your session, and how you feel in upcoming sessions. If you have the anxiety again try to note when it got the worst, and what was going on prior to the onset of the anxiety. Caffine and nicotine probably contributed, as did being late, but none of those should have caused the level of anxiety you experienced. It sounds like you have emotions you need to work through and/or underlying frustrations that you need to work through.

When's your next session? Try taking steps to mitigate the anxiety before hand - eat something before you go. Try to minimize your caffine and nicotine during the day before the session, and try to get enough sleep the night before. Can you schedule some time prior to the meeting to do something you enjoy? Also, listen to music that makes you feel positive before you go, and listen to it loud.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

Hi I just came back from my first outpatient therapy session. It's the SMART kind.
It was a horrible experience I couldn't focus on anything anyone was saying and kept stressing out over when it would be my turn to speak, I was a nervous wreck which ruined the remainder of the session. I was so angry at my inability to keep it cool. I came home angry and just snorted a ritalin and wanna get fucked up.
Funny how something that's supposed to help did the completely opposkte.


Did outpatient therapy help you? How was your experience?

wow bro I saw this and just had to comment, I was the exact same way as you in the outpatient programs that I tried. The way you describe how everyone there is all confident and relieved to be sharing, while people like you and me are so stressed out is spot on. I used to get so nervous come my time to speak I was almost unable to do so, I dreaded speaking so much.

There were 2 outpatient programs I went to, one was very large it had like 70 people maybe, the other only had like 10 at most. You see the bigger one that I went to I failed, whereas the smaller one I did better in. Maybe you should try to look for another program that has MUCH LESS people, I know it easier said than done but just a thought.

At the large out patient I was unable to connect to anyone, couldn't and wouldn't share in the groups, and was angry the entire time. One thing to note, I was first in their inpatient rehab, then put in their outpatient so I had like 45 days clean. I relapsed 2 weeks after the start of outpatient. It was a miserable experience for me and actually made me want to get high to spite all those people in there. My last day before they kicked me out, I shot a few bags in the parking lot after my ride dropped me off and went in there FUCKED UP. People there were very upset.... not for me of course, apparently i was a danger for them.

That smaller outpatient program I mentioned was many years ago, even before the other experience I just described. So I don't remember much, but I did do better there because it was just me and a couple other people in the group. I was able to share and definitely gave it a good try, I did however ended up getting kicked out of there for using also....

best of luck to you man, find another program with less people, or try one on ones... just wanted to let you know there are others like you

 

[Sobrietysucks]

An update: i haven't been on much since my relapse I have been an absolute mess. I am binging on ritalin/adderall, chain smoking, watching porn excessively , binge on Xanax to sleep.

 

[cj]

I can relate.