Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

[cj]

I am certainly feeling good from the largish does I took earlier which is a relief. I am glad I wasn't dependent for two long I have so much respect for people who come off after years of use that must be beyond traunatic

 

[cj]

I definably feel pretty good from the 2.5mg kpin and 1mg Xanax I took today. But either my tolerance is still sky high or I am not getting full effects. I am just going to be extremely careful and use them no more than once a week. Shame I didn't do that to begin with,

Thanks again for all the help. BTW I don't mind awswering any relevant questions. I consider myself an open book on this site subdggg

 

[Jabberwocky]

What do you gain from taking benzos cj? How does your benzos use cause you harm?

One day you are going to make a bad ass harm reduction advocate. I am going to be saving a seat on the board of my mindfulness-based harm reduction organization for when you are ready

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I definably feel pretty good from the 2.5mg kpin and 1mg Xanax I took today. But either my tolerance is still sky high or I am not getting full effects. I am just going to be extremely careful and use them no more than once a week. Shame I didn't do that to begin with,

Thanks again for all the help. BTW I don't mind awswering any relevant questions. I consider myself an open book on this site subdggg

That's a pretty hefty amount of benzodiazepines for one day. I tried never to go over 1mg of alprazolam in a single day.

Do expect to become dependent again if you are taking dosages like that every day. Hopefully your doctors didn't prescribe you enough to get hooked again.

 

[cj]

Sorry from rereading my posts I was really high yesterday. I probably could have taken less but I was determined to see if they would work regardless of dose. I feel normal now that I have woken up this morning. No extreme rebound anxiety so far.


Tpd: I gain a respite from the constant nagging of my brain and the anxiety that comes with that. I have a super gnarly relationship with anxiety it really does cause me too not live the fulfilling life I could otherwise.

The problems come from my inability to regulate how much I take in a sitting and over the course of time. Like yesterday I intended to only take 1mg of kpin instead of 2mg and a xanax. Other than the addiction aspect there aren't any glaring problems. It may change my personality a bit and my family hates that I am on any drug. I mean I see the potential problems I just need some drug to escape being me for awhile.

 

[Jabberwocky]

How much did you end up taking yesterday?

Even though you may feel ashamed, there really is no shame in any of this. So what if you aren't perfect. Who is? You'll get where you need to go as long as you keep moving in the right direction compañero

 

[cj]

I took 2mg of kpin and 1mg of Xanax. I am trying my best to move in the right direction its just so hard. Not being able to smoke weed has had indirect consequences I find hard to deal with. I am just so used to being able to get that daily headchange with little to no long term consequences. Coming to terms with the fact that there aren't any other drugs that will really do that without horrible side effects is a tough pill to swallow. Im not really ashamed as much as frustrated. It seems my doctors, therapists, parents don't really care if I am happy just as long as I am sober. Whats the point in sobriety if I am miserable?

Anyway I just took 900mg gabapentin. I am going to take at least a week off from benzos. Try to keep it at that rate for awhile and see how my brain responds. I also found someone who is willing to sell me methadone take homes today so that is a plus. My goal isn't total abstinence I just want to be happy.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think you're doing great cj. You are making progress, moving in the right direction, and that is what counts. Keep up the good work my friend. You know I'm there if you ever need an ear

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It seems my doctors, therapists, parents don't really care if I am happy

Well it's not really up to them if you're happy or not.

It will seem like they don't care, and indeed perhaps they don't.

I've encountered this feeling many times over the years.

 

[cj]

I am having a way harder time staying off the benzos then I thought I would. I have been able to space my doses out to every 3 days but when I do them Ive been needing big ass doses to get any effect which sucks. I am starting to think I should have just waited awhile until I was damn good and ready to go through the withdrawal. Oh well it is nice to have days where I am not crippled with anxiety though.

I am also starting to think I have a better quality of life on benzos then off of them. I think my new plan is to find a new phych doctor who will script me a long acting benzo on an as needed basis.

 

[Moreaux]

cj - you need to formulate a valid recovery plan, you're all over the place and it's not doing you any favors. Stopping and starting benzos is horrible and is complicating your situation. Figure out what you want to work on (benzos, opiates) and focus on that. Once you get stabilized work on the other. Unfortunately, your quality of life will degrade by being on benzos long term...fortunately, once you get off them for good your quality of life will dramatically improve.

I couldn't stop everything and benzos either...I tried and lasted a month before relapsing on booze. I stayed in a relapse for a year before finally quitting everything. I couldn't go through that horrible benzo withdrawal completely sober. I understand on some levels where you're coming from, though I couldn't image stopping opiates and benzos at the same time - that truly is painful.

I have no insight on which one you should focus on, but if you're going to do benzos either do them or don't do them because the back and forth is hell on your nervous system :/. I'm sorry this isn't a positive post, I'm very concerned for you and I know the pain you're in, and am trying to level with you. I hope you start feeling better soon!

 

[cj]

cj - you need to formulate a valid recovery plan, you're all over the place and it's not doing you any favors. Stopping and starting benzos is horrible and is complicating your situation. Figure out what you want to work on (benzos, opiates) and focus on that. Once you get stabilized work on the other. Unfortunately, your quality of life will degrade by being on benzos long term...fortunately, once you get off them for good your quality of life will dramatically improve.

I couldn't stop everything and benzos either...I tried and lasted a month before relapsing on booze. I stayed in a relapse for a year before finally quitting everything. I couldn't go through that horrible benzo withdrawal completely sober. I understand on some levels where you're coming from, though I couldn't image stopping opiates and benzos at the same time - that truly is painful.

I have no insight on which one you should focus on, but if you're going to do benzos either do them or don't do them because the back and forth is hell on your nervous system :/. I'm sorry this isn't a positive post, I'm very concerned for you and I know the pain you're in, and am trying to level with you. I hope you start feeling better soon!

I totally appreciate the honesty. Here is my dilemma. I am on my last chance with the methadone clinic. I have a script for benzos so that's the only drug I can do and not get in trouble. I would much rather just smoke weed and not take any other drugs but that's not an option right now. So yeah when I stop benzos I am like you and cant handle it. but if I take other drugs I am going to get kicked off methadone at 150mg and really be in a world of shit. So that's why I am jumping back and fourth with gabapentin some days and benzos other days. What sucks is I am starting to see what you where saying about benzos not being very effective. I have taken 4mg kpin 1mg Xanax today and im still sober. Which is crazy. So I dunno wtf I am going to do. I may start looking into synthetic cannabinoids despite the risks cause I am just running out of options.

 

[Moreaux]

Is there anyway you can move to a state with legalized marijuana and do your maintenance there?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do you think you can perhaps use something less intense of a gabaergic drug than a benzo like pregabalin or (better yet) gabapentin to get your fix on? That is horrible advice frankly, but what Moreaux was saying about it being really bad for your healthy starting and stopping benzos like this is spot on. That rollercoaster you can do without!

I'd rather see you just using cannabis than any gabaergic type of drug like benzos, but I am not sure you have enough resources to successfully manage the transition of doing a geographic right now. I mean, if you could come up with a substantive plan I'd support you moving somewhere where you could use cannabis (any state where it is legalized or medicalized), but until then I urge caution.

 

[cj]

I am not in any position to move states right now unfortunately. I guess I am now in a full blown relapse as I took 2,5mg kpin again today. would getting readdictted then doing a proper taper be of any help in healing my brain? Im out of gabapentin but I am going to start making doc appointments to try and get a script again for lyrica or gabapentin. I am not physically addicted to the benzos again as I did put almost a month of abstinence between my addiction and relapse but I know its coming. I may bite the bullet get back on weed and rife it out till I get kicked out from methadone then get back on heroin and go from there. Anything seems preferable to a benzo addiction addiction frankly,

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think getting a long acting benzos like clonazepam or diazepam from a legitimate source (e.g. no more liquid RC benzos) and finding a way to take it on a schedule at lowish doses is the best thing for you to do if you can't get a safer medication like gabapentin to use to manage your stress level.

You're already addicted to benzos. Getting dependent on them again is far from ideal, but if you can get enough help to effectively manage a dependence on them and not go off the deep end again with using them you'd probably be better off than either getting back on heroin or other black market substances or having to deal with the rollercoaster of constant withdrawal and dependency. That way you at least have a chance of the stability that will be necessary for you to eventually successfully transition off the benzos when you are in a better position to.

I so do hope you find your way my friend. The world needs more kind, intelligent people such as yourself.

And for the record, getting kick off methadone and going back to heroin would be a disastrous idea given your situation.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am not in any position to move states right now unfortunately. I guess I am now in a full blown relapse as I took 2,5mg kpin again today. would getting readdictted then doing a proper taper be of any help in healing my brain? Im out of gabapentin but I am going to start making doc appointments to try and get a script again for lyrica or gabapentin. I am not physically addicted to the benzos again as I did put almost a month of abstinence between my addiction and relapse but I know its coming. I may bite the bullet get back on weed and rife it out till I get kicked out from methadone then get back on heroin and go from there. Anything seems preferable to a benzo addiction addiction frankly,

No, getting addicted again doesn't help.

 

[Moreaux]

I am not in any position to move states right now unfortunately. I guess I am now in a full blown relapse as I took 2,5mg kpin again today. would getting readdictted then doing a proper taper be of any help in healing my brain? Im out of gabapentin but I am going to start making doc appointments to try and get a script again for lyrica or gabapentin. I am not physically addicted to the benzos again as I did put almost a month of abstinence between my addiction and relapse but I know its coming. I may bite the bullet get back on weed and rife it out till I get kicked out from methadone then get back on heroin and go from there. Anything seems preferable to a benzo addiction addiction frankly,

Benzo addiction is not the ideal. The neurological damage done by quitting benzos has already happened. Starting benzos again in some ways may help the immediate anxiety but it's going to prevent the healing process from occurring in a standard timeline so that will take much much longer while you are on benzos. Benzos prevent some neurological tissue from regenerating which is part of the reason they are connected to Alzheimer's and dementia. That being said, when you do get off of benzos you will be heal properly so it's not permenant. An initial taper would have prevented that damage from happening.

That being said, Heroin addiction isn't ideal either. If you go back to smoking weed do you have somebody that can regulate the opiates for you? I think for the sake of harm reduction, the benzo addiction would be preferable to a heroin addiction.

Do you have any friends or family located elsewhere that you can stay with and try to stabilize?

 

[cj]

Today is my last day taking benzos for at least a week Hopefully. My tolerance is crazy

 

[Jabberwocky]

Is there any way you could get your methadone on the blackmarket so you could smoke weed cj? Far from ideal, but I was just curious. I think the clinic is a good place for you right now, aside from their policy on cannabis use.