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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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cj said:
Good point. Truthfully I want to get back to smoking weed everyday. I smoked some resin today and had a full blown panic attack. I guess I'm going to have to find a new drug or something.
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I quit weed when I was coming off benzos and it did help me feel a bit less anxious. Now I can smoke again and it's not a problem.
 
I feel mentally and physically better today. I am ready to put this shit behind me and start working again so I can move to somewhere I want to live.
 
cj said:
Good point. Truthfully I want to get back to smoking weed everyday. I smoked some resin today and had a full blown panic attack. I guess I'm going to have to find a new drug or something.
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You have to stop using drugs while you're going through such an intense withdrawal.
 
Final update: I feel pretty much normal now. I still have a few cognitive things that don't work exactly right but overall I am confident I will make a full recovery. I stopped taking Seroquel a few days ago as I didn't feel its benefits outweighed its risks. I never found any cures or comfort drugs that worked very well other than time and rest.

this was the scariest experience I have ever had with a drug and I highly recommend you don't start abusing benzos. It is 100 percent worse than opiate withdrawal. I frankly shudder at the thought of someone having to kick both in combination.
 
So glad you're feeling better!!! I am impressed with how you got through it, I know how miserable it is and you were a trooper. In the future when you feel down or are struggling o hope you look back to this time and draw strength from it as you a let a very strong person. GREAT JOB!
 
Well I thought I had gotten off easy. I started feeling awful again yesterday and its continued into today. I am guessing its the dreaded PAWS. Today is the first day my parents have let me drive myself to the methadone clinic since I got out of the hospital. I promised my mom I would go right there and back no drugs ect. So what do I do? I call walmart and get my kolonpin prescription refilled..... It was like I was on autopilot there was no argument in my head or any rationalization on my part required. I just did it.

Now I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth. Everyone is trying hard to help me but its like I just cant help myself for some reason. I haven't taken any yet as of writing this and I keep telling myself that I wont take any right now but I know myself I will break eventually. Its times like this that I wonder if it truly wouldn't be better if I was dead or institutionalized. All I do is hurt the people I love. I was really hoping I wasn't actually addicted to benzos. I told myself I had just become dependent through circumstance and bad luck. I guess that was just self delusion. I am such a piece of shit.
 
cj said:
Now I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth. Everyone is trying hard to help me but its like I just cant help myself for some reason. I haven't taken any yet as of writing this and I keep telling myself that I wont take any right now but I know myself I will break eventually. Its times like this that I wonder if it truly wouldn't be better if I was dead or institutionalized. All I do is hurt the people I love. I was really hoping I wasn't actually addicted to benzos.
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cj -

I know we don't know each other well, and you've been here for ages and I'm new...so I don't mean to sound pretentious or preachy...you said you can't help yourself for "some" reason. It's not just some arbitrary reason. Most people in our position can't control themselves around their DOC - you aren't any shitty-er than me or anyone else here. You are just addicted.

If you haven't taken any yet (and even if you have!), get rid of them. You just made it through the worst of it - please don't go backwards. There is freedom and power in knowing that you can't be responsible with the benzos and off-loading them onto someone who can. Just do what you have to do to get them away from you, ASAP. It's hard, I know, but the sooner they are gone, the sooner that voice in your head will shut the fuck up or quiet down some.

Best of luck and I'm pulling for you. I'll be thinking about you.

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
cj -

I know we don't know each other well, and you've been here for ages and I'm new...so I don't mean to sound pretentious or preachy...you said you can't help yourself for "some" reason. It's not just some arbitrary reason. Most people in our position can't control themselves around their DOC - you aren't any shitty-er than me or anyone else here. You are just addicted.

If you haven't taken any yet (and even if you have!), get rid of them. You just made it through the worst of it - please don't go backwards. There is freedom and power in knowing that you can't be responsible with the benzos and off-loading them onto someone who can. Just do what you have to do to get them away from you, ASAP. It's hard, I know, but the sooner they are gone, the sooner that voice in your head will shut the fuck up or quiet down some.

Best of luck and I'm pulling for you. I'll be thinking about you.

- VE
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Thanks for the kind words. I haven't taken any. I am going to give them to a friend tomorrow to hold onto for a little while at least. I cant believe I got myself addicted to another drug. The reality of that is just starting to sink in I guess.

To make matters worse my family is blaming me for not getting into an outpatient rehab program. They don't understand that none of them will allow me too come while I am on MMT. One of the places I talked too even had the gall to say "call us back if you ever want to get off methadone and into real recovery" I was thinking who made you the authority on what is or isn't "real" recovery? How in the world anyone thinks it is responsible to advocate that a client you have never met beyond a 60 second phone call drop there maintenance med without even a taper is a good idea is beyond me. It makes me wonder how many people have followed that advice and ended up dead of an overdose right after rehab. Too damn many I am sure.

So yeah I guess I am going to make up my own program. I am more likely to follow something if I come up with it anyway.

Hey Belfort clear your pm box I cant pm you otherwise.
 
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I made a decision to get my gabapentin refilled today because I just cant take the anxiety anymore. I was going to crack and use something so I figured gabapentin is probably the least harmful drug I can do right now. I took 900mg about 15 minutes ago. I really hope it gives me some relief because miserable doesn't even do the way I feel justice.
 
Did it help, cj? I hope you are zonked out sleeping with no anxiety right now!

- VE
 
What medications can a doctor prescribe for benzo withdrawal? Aside from a strong sleep med what else do they give? Maybe Lyrica or gabapentin? What about Somas for relaxation?
 
VastEmpty said:
Did it help, cj? I hope you are zonked out sleeping with no anxiety right now!

- VE
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It worked pretty well thankfully. I ended up taking 2 grams over 4 hours which put me into a nice sleep. First time I have been able to relax in weeks. I have 24 300mg pills left. I am going to try and ration them out for when I really need them. I guess I am starting to settle in for the long haul.

Belfort: That's a damn good question that I would love an answer too. The doctors I have seen are completely clueless on what do. The normal advice of going to NA meetings isn't doing shit for my anxiety.
 
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Once I started doing that shit got way better, for real. Where the rubber meets the road my friend, this is where change happens. Find yourself there :)
 
My therapist sent me an email asking me not to take the gabapentin. I know she has a point about my brain trying to find homeostasis and shit but at the same time she is not living in my shoes. I am just not strong enough to deal with daily panic attacks and elevated anxiety all day everyday. I don't see anything wrong with using a drug for occasional relief if it prevents me from relapsing on benzos. It also goes back to the deeper issue I have with people who are "concerned" about me. I know they mean well but piling guilt on me about using drugs only makes me want to use them more. I wish people would give suggestions instead of orders I guess. I also don't want to fuck up the therapeutic alliance I have with my therapist by letting her know I am disregarding her advice. Then I think about the fact she cant help me if I am not honest.


Any advice?
 
There is a point in trying to avoid taking drugs to comfort yourself, particularly because it primes your brain to keep looking for drugs as a source of comfort when you can't self-soothe in the future.

That being said, I think it's your call as you're an adult, and the therapist isn't the doctor who prescribed you the medication.

My advice is to try to write down your thoughts that lead you to think you need something, all of the inner thoughts and feelings. It can help to vocalize them and write them out, so you can objectively see what's going on without just "moving through the motions".
 
cj said:
My therapist sent me an email asking me not to take the gabapentin. I know she has a point about my brain trying to find homeostasis and shit but at the same time she is not living in my shoes. I am just not strong enough to deal with daily panic attacks and elevated anxiety all day everyday. I don't see anything wrong with using a drug for occasional relief if it prevents me from relapsing on benzos. It also goes back to the deeper issue I have with people who are "concerned" about me. I know they mean well but piling guilt on me about using drugs only makes me want to use them more. I wish people would give suggestions instead of orders I guess. I also don't want to fuck up the therapeutic alliance I have with my therapist by letting her know I am disregarding her advice. Then I think about the fact she cant help me if I am not honest.


Any advice?
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Be strategically honest. You don't need to, and you should strive not to, speak to your therapist without a filter. I mean, that would be ideal, if you had a therapist you felt safe enough with to do that. Unless you have lots of evidence demonstrating that there won't be any consequences to telling her something that conflicts with her worldview, only talk about what you need to talk about with your therapist.

Look into learning about cultivating a practice of wise speech - I'll be creating a section in the MBHR sticky this weekend on the subject.
 
I decided to tell her I flushed the rest of the pills down the toilet. I don't know if that was the right call or not but I had to tell her something. "Strategic honesty" I like that Tpd! I think my favorite aspect of BL is that I can be 100 percent honest with no consequences. Its a shame I cant have that in real life. That's always been my dream when it comes to sexual relationships. I want someone I can tell my deepest thoughts and secrets too without being judged. Talk about a pipe dream lol.

Captain: Your right man. At the end of the day I am the one who has to live through this shit. All she can really offer is an hour a week which isn't near enough for the problems I am facing, I am not in an ideal situation so non ideal solutions are to be expected. My brain already associates drugs with relief so its prolly a little late to worry about that aspect lol.

I really want to thank everyone for the advice and kindness I wouldn't have made it this far without you lovely souls. Ill keep you updated.
 
cj said:
My brain already associates drugs with relief so its prolly a little late to worry about that aspect lol.
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Associations fade with inactivity, so there is a reason to try to break that association now. :)
 
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