Breathe
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Messages
- 190
I am male, 160lbs, and was 34 at the time of this exp. I have been IVing heroin and meth [mostly on] and off for just over 10 years.
Both M and H were the best quality I could find in my area. And they were.
The truth is, the following experience took place after a few hours of intermittent slamming of goofballs (H. + Meth) and therefore was the result of ALL those shots, resulting in the experience that was set off by the last one, as mentioned in the title.
3pm-ish. No sleep in 2 days.
I prepared the above mentioned shot on top of my dresser, arm's reach from my bed. Nearby, my friend "Jimmy Neutron" was in some kind of weird yoga posture on the floor, attempting to hit some hypothetical vein in his forearm that he insisted wad there. I told him to "give up, even if it is there, it's probably blown out. Hit your ankle."
He said, "No."
So I ignored him and set about getting mine ready. It occurred to me that some chill, soothing music might ease the already tense atmosphere, considering Jimmy's valiant efforts, and my general disdain for his sketchy attitude when he was all tweeked out.
So I turned on a song called "Weightless", set it to repeat, and tied off.
I found a vein almost immediately, and slammed that ridiculous shot quickly without a "backward glance".
It buuuuuurned.
I felt it creep up my arm and disappear into my chest cavity.
First, the familiar onset of IV meth, lights get brighter, adrenalinnnnnnnne....
The heroin finally breaks thru and adds a warm, fuzzy glow to the sharp, edgy shit-high... and....
Then everything went white.
Or maybe a golden-white..
I did what in this area we call an "over-amp". I amped out.
Unconscious. I did too much meth, and I knew it.
Now, I have never overdosed on heroin, despite the very long time I had been slamming it. Amping out would be the closest I have ever come to falling out.
And its super weird.
Usually.
But this time made weird
sound like "fuckin...ginger beer, man!"
And here's what I remember:
I came to. On my bed.
I didn't know where I was or who I was, for a moment.
But I felt absolutely NO panic, dread, fear... No physical problems. No mental disturbance.
I only felt utter peace. Whooooooshhhhhh
I sat up from my lying position on the bed. As I moved up towards sitting upright,
all colors around me were smearing and swelling and tinged with a golden sparkle. Everything was still very bright,
as it was before I passed out.
The sunlight coming in from the nearby window was BEAUTIFUL.
Literally like....
golden-love-sparkles....
..just bouncing off everything..
...making everything it touched become golden, and just being all around gorgeous. (Kind of like the first time I saw this girl Christina in high school - she was blonde, very blonde, and painfully beautiful and I was awe-struck when I saw her. It was an innocent feeling, devoid of anything sketchy or negative: a deeply real appreciation of beauty. She was in direct sunlight and smiling. That's how I felt, looking at these sun rays in my room.)
Suffice to say that I felt a sort of deep love for the light around me, and as a result, for everything it touched.
I stood up, sloooowly. Under-water slowly.
My body felt like it was glowing or radiating light, just like the rays. I saw it in Ryan too, but his were offset by a vague greenish glow. From his skin. Like, sickly. Something was wrong. But I couldn't focus on him. Also, he seemed like he was frozen. Like time stopped.
I.....walked? ....drifted? over to my closet door mirror. I saw myself as something made of flesh and blood, but with some kind of knowledge or light implying itself from my very skin. it was visual but of no color spectrum I have ever seen. I got close enough to see my pupils.
My eyes were black.
I smiled at myself.
The movement of my mouth into a smile was slow motion and very funny to me.
I think I giggled.
I felt no "high" that I am familiar with. Nothing of the hi-power meth; nothing of the uncut heroin.
But I felt superhuman
in the most natural way I can think of.
That is to say, I felt like I was operating at 200%. Astral, subtle, physical bodies all in line, or something. Weird.
As I turned away from the mirror, I noticed that the mirror image of myself smiling stayed in my field of view, opaque, superimposed upon the actual room. I sat down on my bed and looked over. Jimmy is in motion again. He is still trying for that imaginary vein.
I suddenly had a sense that what I was experiencing, wasn't real. It was a kind of, "Wait a seconnnnnd..... WHAT....is going on here.......?"
FYI I am not prone to losing touch, no matter what I am on.
So I asked Jimmy,
"Hey... is this.....real? Like is this.....real?"
My own voice sounded foreign.
He looked at me for a moment, nodded, and went back to the struggle.
Ha! Apparently, when you're around insomniac tweekers often enough, questions like that don't draw much attention.
(See "noodle grooving".)
I laughed. I was also still dealing with having an ephemeral mirror image of myself smiling superimposed on everything so I laid back down.
The image of me smiling suddenly got very real and bright, and took up my whole field of vision, yet I could still see thru it.
But this time, the image split into 3 images. like liquid. Like weird colorful liquid. And I had a very distinct "feeling" that each one was a choice of some kind. I was sure of it.
One of me smiling..
One of me next to the girl I had just broken up with..
and one of me standing in a nearby wetland we call the Backbay.
The Backbay one meant I was to stay strung out, in order to effectively erase all memories of my ex (call her Martha. hehehe), resulting in a smiling me...?
The Martha-and-I one meant I was to get back together with her and who knows what..? Stay sober? (We were sober together)
And the me-smiling one was supposed to happen, no matter what my choice.
I chose........to be strung out.
I had a lingering and irrational sorrow about all that, which threatened to close in, if I didn't. So. Yeah. I'm sure you can empathize.
The liquid images fused and morphed into one image, and I thought that maybe I was being shown something spectacular now: something like a view into my chosen future.
Then I realized the image I was looking at, was literally the room I was in. I was back to normal vision and all that beautiful transcendental golden love sparkle stuff was gone.
And I was
fucking
HIGH.
HIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHH.
If I were to say the above to you in person, I would flail my arms around and yell,
"HIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHH!"
You know - it worked. In the end, I literally forgot about one entire year of my life spent with a girl, during which we both stayed sober. I can't remember that time unless I really really think about it. I can't say if that is good or bad - but I can say it was the quickest "getting over" period I've had.
On the dark side of things, I got the lowest, most spiritually dead that I have ever been in my entire life, during that run.
I became homeless on purpose, and spent a year in that life.
I survived by partial reliance on others, stealing, and subterfuge. I had to fight often. I got arrested and went to jail 7 times in a year, during which I constantly was in a fight-or-flight mode.
Torture would describe it, well.
Well!
All that resulted in my current revulsion with it all, and therefore, my current sobriety.
I nevertheless often wonder what that trip was about. All my time riding the fence between the dark and light sides, and I chose to dive headfirst into the dark.
I can say, without question, that I am a dramatically better person as a result...
...though I would NEVER wish what I went through, on ANYONE. EVER.
I love you all.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_methamphetamine
substancecode_meth
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_heroin
substancecode_opiates
_combo_
explevel_veryexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_difficult
exptype_addiction
roacode_iv
Both M and H were the best quality I could find in my area. And they were.
The truth is, the following experience took place after a few hours of intermittent slamming of goofballs (H. + Meth) and therefore was the result of ALL those shots, resulting in the experience that was set off by the last one, as mentioned in the title.
3pm-ish. No sleep in 2 days.
I prepared the above mentioned shot on top of my dresser, arm's reach from my bed. Nearby, my friend "Jimmy Neutron" was in some kind of weird yoga posture on the floor, attempting to hit some hypothetical vein in his forearm that he insisted wad there. I told him to "give up, even if it is there, it's probably blown out. Hit your ankle."
He said, "No."
So I ignored him and set about getting mine ready. It occurred to me that some chill, soothing music might ease the already tense atmosphere, considering Jimmy's valiant efforts, and my general disdain for his sketchy attitude when he was all tweeked out.
So I turned on a song called "Weightless", set it to repeat, and tied off.
I found a vein almost immediately, and slammed that ridiculous shot quickly without a "backward glance".
It buuuuuurned.
I felt it creep up my arm and disappear into my chest cavity.
First, the familiar onset of IV meth, lights get brighter, adrenalinnnnnnnne....
The heroin finally breaks thru and adds a warm, fuzzy glow to the sharp, edgy shit-high... and....
Then everything went white.
Or maybe a golden-white..
I did what in this area we call an "over-amp". I amped out.
Unconscious. I did too much meth, and I knew it.
Now, I have never overdosed on heroin, despite the very long time I had been slamming it. Amping out would be the closest I have ever come to falling out.
And its super weird.
Usually.
But this time made weird
sound like "fuckin...ginger beer, man!"
And here's what I remember:
I came to. On my bed.
I didn't know where I was or who I was, for a moment.
But I felt absolutely NO panic, dread, fear... No physical problems. No mental disturbance.
I only felt utter peace. Whooooooshhhhhh
I sat up from my lying position on the bed. As I moved up towards sitting upright,
all colors around me were smearing and swelling and tinged with a golden sparkle. Everything was still very bright,
as it was before I passed out.
The sunlight coming in from the nearby window was BEAUTIFUL.
Literally like....
golden-love-sparkles....
..just bouncing off everything..
...making everything it touched become golden, and just being all around gorgeous. (Kind of like the first time I saw this girl Christina in high school - she was blonde, very blonde, and painfully beautiful and I was awe-struck when I saw her. It was an innocent feeling, devoid of anything sketchy or negative: a deeply real appreciation of beauty. She was in direct sunlight and smiling. That's how I felt, looking at these sun rays in my room.)
Suffice to say that I felt a sort of deep love for the light around me, and as a result, for everything it touched.
I stood up, sloooowly. Under-water slowly.
My body felt like it was glowing or radiating light, just like the rays. I saw it in Ryan too, but his were offset by a vague greenish glow. From his skin. Like, sickly. Something was wrong. But I couldn't focus on him. Also, he seemed like he was frozen. Like time stopped.
I.....walked? ....drifted? over to my closet door mirror. I saw myself as something made of flesh and blood, but with some kind of knowledge or light implying itself from my very skin. it was visual but of no color spectrum I have ever seen. I got close enough to see my pupils.
My eyes were black.
I smiled at myself.
The movement of my mouth into a smile was slow motion and very funny to me.
I think I giggled.
I felt no "high" that I am familiar with. Nothing of the hi-power meth; nothing of the uncut heroin.
But I felt superhuman
in the most natural way I can think of.
That is to say, I felt like I was operating at 200%. Astral, subtle, physical bodies all in line, or something. Weird.
As I turned away from the mirror, I noticed that the mirror image of myself smiling stayed in my field of view, opaque, superimposed upon the actual room. I sat down on my bed and looked over. Jimmy is in motion again. He is still trying for that imaginary vein.
I suddenly had a sense that what I was experiencing, wasn't real. It was a kind of, "Wait a seconnnnnd..... WHAT....is going on here.......?"
FYI I am not prone to losing touch, no matter what I am on.
So I asked Jimmy,
"Hey... is this.....real? Like is this.....real?"
My own voice sounded foreign.
He looked at me for a moment, nodded, and went back to the struggle.
Ha! Apparently, when you're around insomniac tweekers often enough, questions like that don't draw much attention.
(See "noodle grooving".)
I laughed. I was also still dealing with having an ephemeral mirror image of myself smiling superimposed on everything so I laid back down.
The image of me smiling suddenly got very real and bright, and took up my whole field of vision, yet I could still see thru it.
But this time, the image split into 3 images. like liquid. Like weird colorful liquid. And I had a very distinct "feeling" that each one was a choice of some kind. I was sure of it.
One of me smiling..
One of me next to the girl I had just broken up with..
and one of me standing in a nearby wetland we call the Backbay.
The Backbay one meant I was to stay strung out, in order to effectively erase all memories of my ex (call her Martha. hehehe), resulting in a smiling me...?
The Martha-and-I one meant I was to get back together with her and who knows what..? Stay sober? (We were sober together)
And the me-smiling one was supposed to happen, no matter what my choice.
I chose........to be strung out.
I had a lingering and irrational sorrow about all that, which threatened to close in, if I didn't. So. Yeah. I'm sure you can empathize.
The liquid images fused and morphed into one image, and I thought that maybe I was being shown something spectacular now: something like a view into my chosen future.
Then I realized the image I was looking at, was literally the room I was in. I was back to normal vision and all that beautiful transcendental golden love sparkle stuff was gone.
And I was
fucking
HIGH.
HIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHH.
If I were to say the above to you in person, I would flail my arms around and yell,
"HIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHH!"
You know - it worked. In the end, I literally forgot about one entire year of my life spent with a girl, during which we both stayed sober. I can't remember that time unless I really really think about it. I can't say if that is good or bad - but I can say it was the quickest "getting over" period I've had.
On the dark side of things, I got the lowest, most spiritually dead that I have ever been in my entire life, during that run.
I became homeless on purpose, and spent a year in that life.
I survived by partial reliance on others, stealing, and subterfuge. I had to fight often. I got arrested and went to jail 7 times in a year, during which I constantly was in a fight-or-flight mode.
Torture would describe it, well.
Well!
All that resulted in my current revulsion with it all, and therefore, my current sobriety.
I nevertheless often wonder what that trip was about. All my time riding the fence between the dark and light sides, and I chose to dive headfirst into the dark.
I can say, without question, that I am a dramatically better person as a result...
...though I would NEVER wish what I went through, on ANYONE. EVER.
I love you all.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_methamphetamine
substancecode_meth
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_heroin
substancecode_opiates
_combo_
explevel_veryexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_difficult
exptype_addiction
roacode_iv
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