Recovery Witness Me!

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Haha, apologies for the thread title, I just finished watching the new Mad Max. It's appropriate in a sense. I want to kick this opiate habit and need for any mind altering substance and improve my overall mental health. Bluelight peeps, I need your help. I need you to hold me accountable. I am an extreme introvert and don't know how to ask for help from the "realworld" so I came to cyber space. No one knows my struggles. Today I open up to you.

I can't remember the last time I've had a natural night sleep. Booze, weed, and now opiates have been my release for the past 10 years. 5-10 mg's of hydro, oxy, whatever I could get to take the edge off soon escalated to a 90mg oxy a day habit. I've switched my oxy habit to a fentanyl habit. Slapping on a 75 mcg patch every 2-3 days is a lot easier. With the patch I get a good 6-8 hours of mild euphoria...which is really nice. This is followed by a day or two of just feeling normal. I actually like this part...i dont feel high or zoned out and feel like a functioning part of society again. After the 2.5-3 day mark, the w/d kicks in and I change patches for a fresh one.

I want to kick it altogether. I want to experience normal without the help of self medicating. I've decided I am going to taper with a 12.5 mcg reduction every few days. I fear the withdrawal. I fear it more than anything. I started last night by reducing down to 62.5 mcg. I can feel a mild w/d already. Hot/cold flashes coupled with muscle aches. The muscle aches are the worst because of the extreme uncomfortable creepy crawly feeling under my skin. I feel like I cant sit still.

I don't know if withstanding this prolonged mild w/d is better than just cold turkey w/d. Do I feel a little sick for a long time, or a lot sick for a few days???

I'll post back each day and welcome encouragement and any insights or personal recommendations and experiences.

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Today is day two. I woke up groggy. My body aches and the hot/cold flashes are still a nuisance, but bearable. I just need to keep myself busy so I can keep my mind off of it. I've become irritable and desire solitude. Solitude means being left alone with my thoughts, which means I can hear the cravings.
'Come on man, just one more pill...you will feel amazing and have a great day.'
I tell myself No...I will sacrifice today for a better tomorrow.
'But tomorrow isn't guaranteed, live in the moment, in the now...'
This back and forth I go though with my inner demon is more prominent than ever. It has such a hold on me and it doesn't like being told no. I must stay strong. I must fight it. He will only get stronger. I am more ahead than I thought. Inspecting the patch I have on, I have only 50 mcg working in me instead of the 62.5 I previously thought. I am already ahead of schedule. A small victory indeed. For a moment this makes me happy...but then the demon whispers...
'Put on the other 12.5....it will make you feel better.'
'That's a good idea...no...NO...stop it. I will resist your temptations demon."

 

[VastEmpty]

Ugh - I now that demon all to well. Mine looks like Oscar the grouch and pops out of a garbage can...I've been known to sit on top of the lid (mentally of course) and keep him in there. We used to be friends, but not anymore. Now I'm pretty sure he wants to kill me, but of course he doesn't admit to that.

Keep it up, bigpop, we got this. I'm on day two of cold turkey, so I'm feeling your pain.

- VE

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Dude, that's awesome, glad you made the decision and we will get through this. I've never visualized my demon, only heard his voice. He was the enabler of good times. I imagine, over the course of the next few weeks, we will meet on a much more personal level. We will come face to face. I plan to turn my back and run...and lock him out for good.

VE, and anyone else who is facing the struggle, good luck and just know if we beat this, it will be the greatest accomplishment of our lives. Nothing good comes easy.

 

[Moreaux]

Keep up the good work guys!

Emotionally, how are you feeling BigPoppaGoonie?

 

[I cup]

Ween down !! Don't just jump off bud , unless you have a week off work n responsibilities .....
Read other threads ( I'm sure you have ) for good advice - look into kratom ( this week , before the ban hits ) and use while weening down - that's the #1 advice I'd give anybody , it honestly made it sooo f'n easy for me ..... No joke , I was you ( but oxy ) 5 mos. ago and kratom gets more credit than anything for getting me thru and NOT having even one day sick

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Keep up the good work guys!

Emotionally, how are you feeling BigPoppaGoonie?

Thanks so much Moreaux! Its the encouragement that will get me through.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck right now, I'll be honest. I've given up my source of happiness. The depression is definitely peering it's ugly head. I was on lexapro a few months ago because of my general unhappiness in life but couldn't tell if it was working because of the opiates. I decided to get clean first, then work out my mental stability afterwards. Man, it's tough. Having a clear head really lets you dwell on all the things in life that have been fucked over by the addiction. It gets overwhelming, and I try to shut it out for the time being, but it's hard. I know I need to get clean first, then work on rebuilding life, but that doesn't mean the thoughts don't linger. I just have to take it one day at a time...so far this site has been a Godsend since I have been going through my addiction (and now recovery) by myself since no one knows about it.

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Ween down !! Don't just jump off bud , unless you have a week off work n responsibilities .....
Read other threads ( I'm sure you have ) for good advice - look into kratom ( this week , before the ban hits ) and use while weening down - that's the #1 advice I'd give anybody , it honestly made it sooo f'n easy for me ..... No joke , I was you ( but oxy ) 5 mos. ago and kratom gets more credit than anything for getting me thru and NOT having even one day sick

First, congrats on the sobriety, it is certainly encouraging to hear from others that beat this.
I have heard about kratom only recently...I'll look into it, thanks!
I am definitely doing a taper (or ween) from this and think it will help me be successful in my battle. I've tried to quit cold but I wasn't able to handle the physical withdrawal.

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

"Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fights battles nobody knows about." I came across this quote by chance and it gave me great hope. I actually cracked a smile for the first time in a while. I want to channel the pain into something productive. Maybe I should start doing artwork again. I wonder if I can take the pain and addiction that caused me so much loss and flip it into something lucrative. I feel hopeful for once. Withdrawal has made me become bi-polar . Here is a sketch I did last time I attempted withdrawal.

 

[VastEmpty]

^ that is beautiful!

Please do pick your pen back up. You are super talented. Don't let that go to waste.

- VE

 

[MisterNotSoClean]

That shits damn sexy! I play guitar and in the throws of wds it's difficult. Super shaky hands kinda tripped me up and it just didn't feel quite right. I pick up the guitar now (a month later) and I can feel it start to flow again. Great release of that internalized emotion but don't get discouraged if it doesn't start flowing right away!

 

[Moreaux]

Thanks so much Moreaux! Its the encouragement that will get me through.

Emotionally, I'm a wreck right now, I'll be honest. I've given up my source of happiness. The depression is definitely peering it's ugly head. I was on lexapro a few months ago because of my general unhappiness in life but couldn't tell if it was working because of the opiates. I decided to get clean first, then work out my mental stability afterwards. Man, it's tough. Having a clear head really lets you dwell on all the things in life that have been fucked over by the addiction. It gets overwhelming, and I try to shut it out for the time being, but it's hard. I know I need to get clean first, then work on rebuilding life, but that doesn't mean the thoughts don't linger. I just have to take it one day at a time...so far this site has been a Godsend since I have been going through my addiction (and now recovery) by myself since no one knows about it.

That was the hardest aspect of getting sober for me, realizing that I would be starting completely over in my late thirties because I ruined my life. Being an addict since I was a teen, I never set a solid foundation for myself. Realizing all the poor choices I made, having to focus on being an adult, and then rebuild my life really hurt and was quite overwhelming. Eventually you learn to plan and set priorities and get to where you want to be, but first you have to accept your situation It's tough but it gets better. Only consider those thoughts productively, don't allow yourself to ruminate on them, and shut them down when you find you are not considering them from a constructive vantage. Remember, it's about progress, not perfection...the game is far from over :D

 

[the last dose]

Ween down !! Don't just jump off bud , unless you have a week off work n responsibilities .....
Read other threads ( I'm sure you have ) for good advice - look into kratom ( this week , before the ban hits ) and use while weening down - that's the #1 advice I'd give anybody , it honestly made it sooo f'n easy for me ..... No joke , I was you ( but oxy ) 5 mos. ago and kratom gets more credit than anything for getting me thru and NOT having even one day sick

I cup i just posted this in another thread here maybe i can get some good advise from you anyways here it is.... (Kratom experts can i get some advise please ive been in pain management for more than 15 years after a car accident. Ive been as high as two 80mg oxys with four 30mg roxys a day believe or not ive weened myself down to three doses a day each dose is a 15 roxy and a half of another 15 roxy total 67.5 mg roxy a day. I have my kr- cough cough ready for jumpin do you guys think i can jump without missing work im planning on 7 grams bali for each starting dose. Im gonna try to get clonidine and lyrica from my doc maybe use the lyrica only when i jump to kr then the clonidine when i stop kr after atleast 3 weeks on kr. What can i expect goin from roxy to kr and then stopping kr after 3 weeks, remember ive been on oxy for 15 years never stopping does that matter or all that matters is the dose you jump off from thanks for any help getting ready to do this for real soon god i hope i can do it!!!!)

 

[the last dose]

Bigpoppa you have some serious skills best of luck to you brotha!

 

[I cup]

Deff. Pick up the pencil again ..... That's good shit ! Good for your mind as well .....
Pm me anytime , but real quick - first I'm sure you know you have today and tomorrow to get kratom for the foreseeable future w/ the ban coming up
I wouldn't start w/ 7g. , 4 was plenty for me - esp. While weening down my doses - like 4g am then 2-3g noon , 2-3 early evening was plenty to play the role - too much is too much , it's not like oxy where more makes it better - more will slow you down and
" stone" you - and a little more will make you sick feeling so it's deff. A " less is more " type ..... You'll know when you figure out your dose -

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

Just a quick touch base for accountability...So far today I've had a job interview as an analyst for a reputable healthcare company. Wish you guys could have seen me, I nailed it! I hate interviews, (and any social situation where I am the focal) but the words that flowed out of my mouth blew me away. My subconscious kicked in and was like 'we need this, we got this'. THis was a huge morale booster and a small victory indeed.

The wife is off of work today so I'll be spending my day with her. I've convinced her to help me go through the house and do some declutter. This should help keep my mind busy and her company will be an outlet from being stuck in my own head all day.

I'll post again tonight and respond to everyone who took the time to post. Reading the posts and hearing from you all has become the highlight of my day.

I am still holding strong with my dosage. I change to a new fentanyl patch tonight. I really want to go down another 25 mcg, but think I will stick with going down 12.5 mcg and see how it goes. What do you all think?

 

[the last dose]

Deff. Pick up the pencil again ..... That's good shit ! Good for your mind as well .....
Pm me anytime , but real quick - first I'm sure you know you have today and tomorrow to get kratom for the foreseeable future w/ the ban coming up
I wouldn't start w/ 7g. , 4 was plenty for me - esp. While weening down my doses - like 4g am then 2-3g noon , 2-3 early evening was plenty to play the role - too much is too much , it's not like oxy where more makes it better - more will slow you down and
" stone" you - and a little more will make you sick feeling so it's deff. A " less is more " type ..... You'll know when you figure out your dose -

first off bipoppa sorry for posted so much of my shit in your thread, i cup i started my own thread if you want you can answer these questions there and thanks for the info. Do you have any knowledge about are withdrawl symptoms longer the amount of time you have been taking ops cause im 17 years or is it just dose related to when you jump off. thanks just wanted to say one more thing after last dose midnight last night i took one 15 roxy at 8 this morning and im gonna make it to my 3 oclock dose this is huge to me.

 

[BigPoppaGoonie]

No worries. You are seeking answers to help you kick your habit. I commend you for that. Now gtfo....haha i kid i kid.

 

[the last dose]

lmfao!

 

[I cup]

first off bipoppa sorry for posted so much of my shit in your thread, i cup i started my own thread if you want you can answer these questions there and thanks for the info. Do you have any knowledge about are withdrawl symptoms longer the amount of time you have been taking ops cause im 17 years or is it just dose related to when you jump off. thanks just wanted to say one more thing after last dose midnight last night i took one 15 roxy at 8 this morning and im gonna make it to my 3 oclock dose this is huge to me.

Well , I'm sure by now you know how for sure you have to be in your want to quit ..... And that's 1/2 the battle
I had a 10yr run so perty much the same boat - long term , I'd say the w/d will be the same initially but you will have some lingering issues like I did/do - using so long , it becomes all you know - your way of life .... Kratom has really helped as far as mental fatigue and mental boredom , it's the learning to deal w real emotions and realizing just how much " feeling " of life I have missed that still gets to me
The anxiety ect. W/d bullshit will go away fast for you I'm sure , it's the learning to be the real person you are that takes a bit - BUT it's a wonderful thing and exciting to go thru - life is slower paced than snortin' a 15 ( or 2 ) and talking someone's ear off and speeding thru life ..... Quiet walks alone , sitting outside staring at the stars at 3am , reading to my kids , these are the things that make it good

Congrats big time , don't kill yourself weening too fast - you only have to do this once if you make it count !! Start breaking those 15's into 1/3rds and do 10mg doses ect ....