I am at a complete loss of words and thoughts right now. I was on xanax (taken as prescribed 3-4mg a day) for four years and somewhat successfully detoxed with the aide of a hospital setting and compassionate nurses. I was then lucky enough to receive a full scholarship to a somewhat plush rehab. Was put on 2400+mg of gabapentin, lexapro, trazadone, ya know the whole rehab cocktail. It now feels like I have been through like six different withdrawals. Fast forward three months out of rehab, one month into sober living, I was finally feeling somewhat normal after being weaned off the Rehab meds.
I start to get my life back in order, got in a nice condo with a great friend of mine. Was able to acquire an enjoyable job that pays decent coaching gymnastics (I was a gymnast for 14 years). Started smoking weed pretty regularly right out of sober living, drank a few times, but nothing severe until I had the bright idea to order some etizolam online to combat the anxiety that was slowly creeping back into my life (most likely exasperated by the pot smoking). I have always been a hardcore stoner at heart and popping a xanax or two with a couple bowls was always my favorite combination and my vice.
So my etizolam arrives and the vendor screws up my order and repays me by sending me (120) eti pellets instead of (30). So here I am around 40 days later on a 4mg+ etizolam habit which I am not entirely sure are completely pure and kosher, at least when I was prescribed xanax I knew it was pharmaceutical grade and had no adulterants in it. I am already completely dependent on the etizolam and made the decision to go to the ER today in an attempt to procure a small legit benzo script to replace this new, nasty eti habit. I was given two ativan and sent on my way after hours of sitting in the ER. I have been having very serious suicidal thoughts the last seven days, and every day it seems to get worse and worse. My depression and anxiety are achieving an all time peak, and my insurance lapsed about 8 months ago, so I only have some shitty Medi-Cal bull.
Anyway I feel as if my eti habit is making my anxiety worse, my depression is borderline suicidal, and it seems near impossible to achieve acquiring a real benzo prescription from a legit psychiatrist be it that I have no car right now, shitty insurance, and would have to lie about my etizolam usage and tell them about my prior xanax usage. I am digging myself lower and lower each day and need some suggestions to get out of this funk. I have so much shit going on with me having to find a new place to live, finances, finding a means to get to work. I am severely overwhelmed almost all of the time. Suicide and irrational thoughts flood my head the majority of the day. I really have no fukn clue what my next step should be. This is my first post on BL, and I am really hoping for some sort of feedback. I feel like a good portion of people on here can relate to one or many of my issues or obstacles.
Rehab was easy, 5 star chefs prepared our meals, we were drove from meeting to meeting, we all had free gym memberships, and all the therapy, yoga, and snacks you could ask for. Then they chuck you back into the real world where staying sober is the real challenge. Hopefully this W/D won't be as bad as the last one (I still have plenty of Eti's, but I REALLY want to stop taking them, should probably devise my own taper schedule but that's near impossible). I was in the hospital for 12 days and had two seizures. Fuck benzos and GABA drugs. Please send good thoughts this way, I am really at my wits end and really have no plan on how to remedy this shitty situation. AND I'm not even entirely sure getting a legitimate benzo script is the best idea! Thanks to whoever read even part of this..
-Jace
I start to get my life back in order, got in a nice condo with a great friend of mine. Was able to acquire an enjoyable job that pays decent coaching gymnastics (I was a gymnast for 14 years). Started smoking weed pretty regularly right out of sober living, drank a few times, but nothing severe until I had the bright idea to order some etizolam online to combat the anxiety that was slowly creeping back into my life (most likely exasperated by the pot smoking). I have always been a hardcore stoner at heart and popping a xanax or two with a couple bowls was always my favorite combination and my vice.
So my etizolam arrives and the vendor screws up my order and repays me by sending me (120) eti pellets instead of (30). So here I am around 40 days later on a 4mg+ etizolam habit which I am not entirely sure are completely pure and kosher, at least when I was prescribed xanax I knew it was pharmaceutical grade and had no adulterants in it. I am already completely dependent on the etizolam and made the decision to go to the ER today in an attempt to procure a small legit benzo script to replace this new, nasty eti habit. I was given two ativan and sent on my way after hours of sitting in the ER. I have been having very serious suicidal thoughts the last seven days, and every day it seems to get worse and worse. My depression and anxiety are achieving an all time peak, and my insurance lapsed about 8 months ago, so I only have some shitty Medi-Cal bull.
Anyway I feel as if my eti habit is making my anxiety worse, my depression is borderline suicidal, and it seems near impossible to achieve acquiring a real benzo prescription from a legit psychiatrist be it that I have no car right now, shitty insurance, and would have to lie about my etizolam usage and tell them about my prior xanax usage. I am digging myself lower and lower each day and need some suggestions to get out of this funk. I have so much shit going on with me having to find a new place to live, finances, finding a means to get to work. I am severely overwhelmed almost all of the time. Suicide and irrational thoughts flood my head the majority of the day. I really have no fukn clue what my next step should be. This is my first post on BL, and I am really hoping for some sort of feedback. I feel like a good portion of people on here can relate to one or many of my issues or obstacles.
Rehab was easy, 5 star chefs prepared our meals, we were drove from meeting to meeting, we all had free gym memberships, and all the therapy, yoga, and snacks you could ask for. Then they chuck you back into the real world where staying sober is the real challenge. Hopefully this W/D won't be as bad as the last one (I still have plenty of Eti's, but I REALLY want to stop taking them, should probably devise my own taper schedule but that's near impossible). I was in the hospital for 12 days and had two seizures. Fuck benzos and GABA drugs. Please send good thoughts this way, I am really at my wits end and really have no plan on how to remedy this shitty situation. AND I'm not even entirely sure getting a legitimate benzo script is the best idea! Thanks to whoever read even part of this..
-Jace
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