• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

My brief summary : Suboxone 8mg cold turkey days 1 - 10

I think during this process our emotions flip into overdrive or something. Just one of those weird brain rewiring type things. It's gotten much better though so you won't cry over everything forever :p
 
I just realized... tomorrow is 50 days. Seems like a whirlwind swept by and carried me to the future. That's fucking over 1/10th of a year. :O. Just feels like it went really really fast.
 
I just realized... tomorrow is 50 days. Seems like a whirlwind swept by and carried me to the future. That's fucking over 1/10th of a year. :O. Just feels like it went really really fast.

Wow that is awesome! Congratulations!

How are your PAWS treating you?

- VE
 
Mainly I am tired about halfway through the day and would kill for a nap... but chugging a disgusting redbull seems to pull me through. Occasional leg cramps at night. Also alot of brain farts. And recently, some cravings.

From past attempts I never had horrid PAWS. I don't know why. It could just be after detoxing how ever many times I think PAWS is how I'm supposed to feel?
(At one point I was taking 200+, a months script worth of Hydros in less than 2 weeks and suffering wds for a few days then be ok til the next fill. I did this for about a year as I had no connects outside of my pm doc.)

Oh! and randomly my heart will race for about 10 mins when I lay down to go to sleep. Like I can feel it shaking the bed lol. I forgot that one. That has been less and less frequent though.
 
This is a rambling message I wrote reaching out to someone to vent as suddenly my brain has kicked into overdrive in the past few days. I felt it also belongs here as to document what's going through my noggin.

"I don't plan on giving in. It's just annoying as hell when I walk outside in the morning and get ...errrm "That rush" from the smell of the cool air.

I haven't even been high on opioids since 2013. I thought I forgot that feeling in the beginning but somehow my memory jogged with the weather change. Like "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" style (If you've never seen the movie it is a must watch) I even caught myself rationalizing/fantasizing using again. So far though the... umm... smart part of my brain has stepped up and said "Nah son, that would be foolish" every time the dumb part of my brain has gone there. I don't particularly care for getting into internal debates with myself as I have a tendency to be on the losing side of the argument when the venue is held in my head.

It's just weird. I know I don't want to do it as that's not who I am or who I want to be but that little part is just nagging as shit.

So I guess at this point I'm just venting and I hope you don't mind.

What's also weird is I am recently (past week) beginning to remember a lot of shit I thought I forgot or buried. And it's all coming in waves. Nothing like emotional trauma or anything... I remember that just fine :p But just random memories of times past. I don't have a clue if it is part of PAWS or just my thoughts becoming clearer.

Suboxone is weird as hell. It's almost as if it tricks you into thinking you are normal. You feel normal, you act normal, but once off of it, looking back in retrospect, it's almost as if the last 3 years, I was putting on a performance worthy of an Oscar.

I just read everything I wrote. Apparently I'm quite scatter brained and chatty at the moment. (I'm always scatter brained but apparently at the moment exceptionally so) Slightly buzzed as Ive had 5 beers (I couldn't drink anything on subs for some reason, I'd get massive migraines)

(I have also noticed I fucking love me some parentheses!!!!)

Anyways thanks for letting me bend your ear... or... flick your eyeballs? I may post a portion of what I wrote on my thread as it may garner some answers for myself and hopefully help someone else too."

So yeah. For some reason it feels like my brain has been going through the gambit the past week. No physical pain or issues just weird .... brain stuff?
Damn, do I have a grasp on technical terminology when it comes to brain stuff!
 
What's also weird is I am recently (past week) beginning to remember a lot of shit I thought I forgot or buried. And it's all coming in waves. Nothing like emotional trauma or anything... I remember that just fine :p But just random memories of times past. I don't have a clue if it is part of PAWS or just my thoughts becoming clearer.

The exact same thing happened to me last time, Mr. Clean. I'm pretty even emotionally, always have been, even before the opiates. But during PAWS I had huge issues with keep my emotions in check regarding issues I thought I had moved past. Honestly, I never fully worked past that when I relapsed at 42 days. The only thing that helped a bit was sitting with the feeling. If I was feeling guilty for a past wrong, I just sat with that awful feeling instead of trying to push it away real fast because it was uncomfortable. It seemed like the feelings came up less if I gave them the attention they so clearly wanted.

Sorry i I don't have better advice. But this too will pass. You still walking?

- VE
 
Ty VE

I'm normally not an emotional person. Definitely have been a bit more so recently. It has gotten much better as it was happening so frequently (still is) that I'm just starting to accept them. Its not necessarily bad memories, just absolutely random.

For instance: I used to always go to my best friends house when I was 10 and his parents just built a new house in the country. We went to spend the night there in sleeping bags as there was hardly anything in the house. Not even carpet yet. I specifically remember waking up the next morning laying on the floor looking out a hole in the wall where a window would be. I laid there watching the weeds blow around the house, behind the ugly green they chose for the walls. The hole created this howling noise when the wind would blow which wasn't so spooky as it was soothing. I just remember laying there for about 30 minutes just watching.

Was this a moving memory? Not particularly, but its something I didn't remember until yesterday. Its like I go into a day dream for 5 seconds and a memory plays in my head like a movie.

Really what trips me out is how vivid they are. Like I remember them more vividly than shit I did yesterday lol.

I've had a couple bad ones pop up but nothing serious and its just more weird than anything.

As far a walking, yes and no. I am a pacer when I'm on the phone or thinking which leads me to pace about 4 miles a day at work. (Co workers absolutely love how my shoes squeak on the tile) Since I've started working again I've only been hiking twice. Last time was Sunday and I took my gf. She said "hey, we should do the expert trail!" I said "-.- ... No please " So about halfway through the expert trail ... Lol... We realized we had made a poor life choice. We finished it just fine. (Fine as in we didn't die) but it was 6 miles of uneven rocky trail that just went up and down over and over lol. My legs weren't tired but my messed up knee was super shaky... Her legs on the other hand... It looked like she was trying to walk on limp noodles. She managed to trip on a smooth paved surface as we neared the car lol. She's paying for it today as she had to wear heels to work today... She was not a happy camper.

So still walking kinda, but not so much hiking. I'm trying to get on a sleep schedule to where I can wake up, have my coffee, go hiking at like 630am. Be back by 9am. Shower and get to work by 11am. But... waking up at 5am is hard for me most days lol.

Anyways, overall I feel I'm doing pretty well and I think I've made it to "I feel like a mostly normal person" status. I think all the mental stuff going on is just my brain trying to adjust to its new chemistry. :p

WARNING: Complete digression ahead!

But this too shall pass... Funny thing you mention that. One thing I did early on to help put the length of my wds in perspective was come to the realization that literally EVERTHYTHING is temporary and everything shall come to pass. Nothing is finite. Time itself is perspective and is perceived differently by every living thing that can perceive the passage of time. 30 days was my personal "you got this" point. 30 days sounds like a lot when you feel like shit and time seemingly is dragging its feet. So I tried to put 30 days into perspective.

"30 days is only about 8% of a year. I've been alive for 28 years...30 days is only about .3% or about 3/1000ths... Hopefully I live to 70... About .1% or 3/2500ths... Shit... How old is the earth?... 4.5 billion years old ( if you are not a young earth creationist) ... ... ... 30 days is only about .000000002% or 3/164,000,000,000ths... That doesn't seem like a lot... I got this."

In other words... I forced numbers to lie to me to make me feel better lol.

~MNSC~
 
Good stuff Mr clean i think at 50 days i will be so dam happy!!! and i will know i got it for sure at that point so then party time (no ops of course) im doin those dam perenthesis too almost only here very weird. I like your time perspective but really im looking to go three days then i'll pick three more lots small battles kinda like when i played a little hockey some years back, only take one game at a time dont look past the immediate task in front of you stumbling is very easy in this game or so ive read. your doing great brotha!
 
Yeah I tried doing the breaking the time into smaller increments but I couldn't help but thinking now I have a lot of small increments lol. It's amazing what we do to occupy our brains. I can't even math bro. Lol.

On day 50ish I did celebrate and really tried to drink some beers. I couldn't drink at all on subs as it gave me a massive headache. I managed to drink like 5 beers over 3 hours and was quite buzzed. My tolerance is like non existent at the moment. :p

50 days feels great BTW. You'll love it ;)
 
Congrats on the big 5 0. I hope you can continue your journey as clean as possible. I contemplated drinking as well but thought it would not be a good idea. Fourth day no kratom for me and no kratom wds after taking it previously for two weeks highest dose of 3 grams in the very first 10 days. If anyone reading this wants my report on how to taper kratom after coming off bupe just ask. :). I want to help all. 3 weeks and feel good. After being on 8mg -12mg per day for 6-7 years. I Really came out better than I would have ever though I would. Sorry for the wall of text.
 
That's so awesome Tino. And Mr. Clean - 50 days! Only 34 more to go...that seems like a crap ton to me...it'll go quick, right?

I'm so impressed with all three of us! How cool are we?

- VE
 
I'm extremely pleased with everyone's success.:) The days seem to going by fast. There are days like today were I felt different as in I wanted to take something. A pill/sub. Lots of kratom etc. But I've held it together. I accepted that there will be these days and too stay strong for my body and mind. Listening to music is helping. Keeping my mind busy as well and my wife is supportive. She is helping me cope with not having anything to take after taking the same pill for years. Hard times but staying positive and wish you all. All positive thoughts.
-Tino
 
VE - we 3 are pretty cool I must admit. We are like... 3 awesome people (was trying to think of something clever... nothing came) As far as time wise, for me it was like today seems long but yesterday flew by. (I hope that makes sense)You've made it through the longest of days already so the rest will be a breeze.

Tino- Old habits die hard. The subs didn't really break the habit more so it buried it alive and stole it's identity.

It's not so much a craving as it is being acclimated to the ritual. Just gotta find a more positive ritual to take part in. (please no Aztec sacrificial rituals though pls)
 
Be prepared: most likely lots of rambling as I am super bored at the moment and looking for something to do.

I feel small...

I've always had the innate ability to think rationally when I focus.

Constructive focusing has always been an issue for me as I have a tendency to focus on the irrelevant. Focusing on everything but myself.

I don't particularly like irrational things, people or concepts. I try to make them... well...make sense. If I can't make sense of it I want nothing to do with it.

I am irrational... I make terrible decisions when it comes to myself. Not talking about my past use, just in general. When I do manage to try to focus on myself it always (like 90% of the time) seems to do more harm than good.

I feel I am currently on the right track. Score 1 for me. Yay! I did something right for myself. Sometimes, when I get lucky, and manage to focus on myself, I can make good decisions that have positive outcomes.

But as most can tell by my erratic writing nature, my focus seems to jump around quite a bit. This started off "I feel small" and was going to go into the emenceness of not only the world but into the vast nature of the universe and how ridiculously insignificant we are to its existence. Blah blah blah. But about 2 sentences in, my brain was like "Ooo go this way"

I'm trying not to backtrack and edit this post for consistencies sake. ( also trying not to use so many parentheses) Fuck!

Fucking hell... get back on track.

So I have a record longer than some of the most violent criminals of poor life choices behind me. ( I have never committed a violent crime) (fuck)
Whether it be with friends, career, or school I seem to always make the wrong choices.

Due to this history I have with myself I don't like facing the introspective nature of dealing with myself. It's almost like I'm trying to rationalize with a tenured politician... (maybe I should go into politics) (Fuck lol)

When I do manage to focus on something, fully, it's like a death beam of awesome focusness... just without crosshairs.

I'm not getting down on myself. It's just something I've come to accept about myself and yet want to change.

That is all.

Random rambling rant over :p

~MNSC~

EDIT: I was in a weird place mentally last night o.0
 
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MNSC, you are beautiful fucking human being. Too weird to live, too rare to die. Much like myself. I hope you stick around. We could use another fucking weirdo around here :) <3
 
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