• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

rest in peace bardeaux

i wanted to post moar but they contained our parents with us etc. and want to respectfully retain their privacy. I'm still totally struggling for words and in that horrible state of numbing shock. speaking with johns parents, oh gosh. i can't believe my best friend and first true love is gone?

i feel like i have to say something to you all as for the past seven years you all have been a huge part of our lives and then when we separated; our solo lives. john was an amazing man. it wasn't a huge argument or even an ugly separation between us, once he had returned to the USA for the final time he asked me to marry him and i said no. its not because i didn't want to, i just knew we were both so sick and tired of living between the two countries and fighting the odds to be together and that we needed it to end. so i ended it.

the past six months we had been in intimate personal contact as he was really struggling with addiction. it killed me. i even told him i felt partially responsible as it was our final separation that seemed to trigger him to self destruct and he assured me that while yes it killed him too, he was responsible for his actions. we spoke about so many things and I'm so grateful to have had that opportunity, and I'm also so glad that he got to meet his half sister as i knew it was something he'd always wanted to do.

john was truly a free spirit, and heres something bluelight wouldn't have known. he wasn't meant for this world. he wasn't just a communist by belief, he genuinely couldn't understand why he was forced to go to school, then should have had a full time job, gone to college and spent his lifetime paying for it. he always questioned why he was supposed to conform to a system that he thought was ridiculous. he always said he was going to break free of the system before he had to resign to it and be imprisoned by it. he went through a plethora of part time jobs and when he had had enough of one, he simply didn't arrive to the next shift and instead sat at home reading, writing and researching and compiling data on topics of interest to him. this frustrated me to no end as he was so intelligent and i always questioned why are you selling yourself short? when in reality i admired his tenacity in constantly saying no to conforming. he stayed true to his word to the bitter end. he had a bunch of student loans and used school as a way to further bide time and increase his knowledge on people, the environment and life; but both he and i knew (because we spoke about it alot) that the government was never going to see a penny of that money back and that he was simply enjoying and giggling at the prospect of having a free ride at THEIR expense.

regardless of what anyone says or rumor has it, john was not a tragic drug addict. he had vices that he used to cope and find an escape from the anxiety of living within a society he peacefully resented. he had never even seen or toyed with the idea of heroin or fentanyl during our union. it was only when migrating home to his family that had returned to michigan that he considered the notion (being surrounded by it). he always had a propensity towards opiates of the gentle kind. he was a control freak. he loved psychedelics and weed but hated their negative effects over his mind and yearned to just feel peaceful, and found that equilibrium in opiates. he could be in control of how inituative and introverted he was without completely cutting himself off from humanity. even where drug deals were concerned he'd rather privately order something online than deal with people and potential dangers. he didn't like dealing with negative situations or people, he simply wanted to get what he wanted and to feel what he wanted hassle free and without bothering anyone.

if its any consolation to anyone john knew exactly what he was doing. he never planned on living a long life and doing things the way others did. he wanted to endulge in what he wanted to, learn about human existence and things relevant to his personal interests then politely bow his hat, say "thanks for the experience" and leave. <3

again, I'm so sorry to everyone he loved. i sincerely meant it when i say he loved you guys and the happiness/oneness you all bought to him. bluelight was the one place he felt he could truly be himself and connect with like minded people. we spoke about you all alot when living together and if any of you was going through anything he'd be the first to reach out and make sure noone was feeling alone.

I'm still in disbelief and am scared when reality sets in and i have to face the fact that my best friend, and your friend is no longer with us. <3

rest in peace babe. you beat them all. <3

...kytnism...:|
Thank you for sharing this with us kyt
 
Oh wow, this is so sad. I remember him saying recently he'd just overdosed. Shame he got through it just to die not long after. :(
 
Great post kyt bb <3 <3

Me and him were at complete odds politically speaking but I loved talking politics with him. Very well read and had a great perspective on life IMO
 
Dude stfu he wouldn't want you stinking up his death thread with your shitty autistic generalities and platitudes.


Owlie where did you hear this? Are you sure he is dead?

i'm certain.
it came from his dad, his mother confirmed.
 
please stop speculating over the genuinity of this announcement. his family and i have had contact and had to make arrangements for his passing.

its hard as fuck, but yes, johns left us <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Damn, such sad news. So sorry Kynt and everyone who was closer to him.

He didn't even get to see the American workers raise up, abuse their power and fuck everything like they did in Russia.

RIP my comrade
 
FUCK was at work and got news of this by text; I don't think it has quite sunken in yet, the others hardly have either and my soul is troubled for our community and our lost friends and their friends online and off and families and everyone that they have touched. I am at a loss for words, truly. This one comes quite unexpected for me too although I guess maybe you can never say that for us. I wasn't privileged to know the man very well in person and I cannot pretend to the grief that those of you who had feel now, kyt especially. But his was an important and dearly treasured presence in our community; yet another … I'm still reeling from the last; and it seems like to be a part of this community is always to have these sorrows coming about my, but so too in real life; this shows the strength of the bonds that we form with one another. The pain on losing one of our number is only the inverse or that. And Bardeaux and all the rest, requiem æternam dona ei. It's a long and painful journey all to often this life that we chose or which choses us and these losses are part of the pain but also, we may hope and pray, an end to the same pains and uncertainties and dark existential nights of the departed. Et lux perpetua luceat ei. Requiescat in pace.
 
Ok sorry kyt I was hopeful/ am high on fent and Xanax. God dammit I wanted to know what he thought about today's meeting bt trump and the Mexican president. I bet he would of changed his mind a bit about trump.
 
It's ok, droppers. It's a natural reaction. When my ex died, I contacted all of his friends and bitched at them for playing a stupid joke on me. At the time, I just didn't want to believe it. It's a weird feeling but I think it's natural because one minute you are having a conversation and the next they are gone.
 
what caused bardos death?

so as others may be more careful (like the person posting this) if his death was what I think it was (OD).
 
Ok sorry kyt I was hopeful/ am high on fent and Xanax. God dammit I wanted to know what he thought about today's meeting bt trump and the Mexican president. I bet he would of changed his mind a bit about trump.

yeah I'm sorry honey. he's left us. <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Oh no. You are going to be loved and missed. Loves to kyt at this sad time xxxx
 
Be at peace, my dear friend. They better have Santana records wherever you are.

[video]https://youtube.com/watch?v=AqZceAQSJvc[/video]
 
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This one is hard to believe! I only talked with him a few times, but he seemed like a decent dude, my condolences go out to the ppl on here that were close with him..

Like most of us BL'ers, I've had so many friends OD and pass away that I can't even count.. it stopped surprising me years ago, but damn that shrine is filling up quick, and it only has the bl'ers that are confirmed dead, I can only imagine how many others die and we have no idea that it ocurred.. but isn't this the second one in as many weeks?

*Pours out a 40oz*
 
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