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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Hi,
Just thought I would check in... I am in the middle of a horrible taper off of oxymorphone, AGAIN... the physical withdrawals are so bad that I cannot get one day clean, although I did reduce my daily amount from 20mg a day to 5 mg a day, it took 9 days of physical withdrawal that are excruciating. I have to get at least one day clean so that I get some hope back in my life. Squeaky and Shroomy: Nice to read your posts, although I wish we could kick these dependencies.

I'm sorry youre having trouble. I wll pray for you. I'm trying to taper myself off a 150 mg/day - 30 mg roxy. My goal is to come down 7.5 mg per week. I need to do this badly. It is so hard. Again, i will pray for you. Wish me luck please.
 
^ Thank you so much for stopping by and your good wishes. Last night, around 4am, I finally got some relief from the physical pain of the stomach cramping. You are wise to go down 7.5mg a week, although at the end of your taper, you may have more discomfort. Recommended tapering is to decrease 10-25% of the current dose every 5 to 7 days. So you should be pretty comfortable the first 2 or 3 weeks. Also, my experience is that every withdrawal gets more physically painful and drawn out. Is this your first time getting off the pills? if so, you should be better off. Please do what you need to stay off of them! Good luck!
 
^Thank you so much, Herbavore, for stopping by with your kind thoughts. Too bad I didn't follow through on my first taper I started when I first joined BL. I would have saved myself so much physical pain..just would have the mental symptoms to work through. However, I am in acceptance around where I am at.

Good news to share! After dosing at 8am yesterday morning, some personal developments gave me so much hope that I was able to stop the oxymorphone and now it is just about 28 hours without it! I did take 10 mg of oxycodone at two different times when the physical symptoms, i.e. vomiting, stomach cramping, chills and hot flushes, etc. were the worst. Better yet, I took it orally, whole. I am still sick, but the symptoms are milder.
By transitioning off the oxymorphone, especially since I sniffed it, I feel like I will be able to continue to taper more successfully. My doses are more stable, and it will be much easier to titrate down. Also, I just want to decrease the physical symptoms, I do not want to get high.
 
Squeaky and Shroomi: Please ignore the post by Agirl77...hopefully it will be removed before you read it. She is just a troll, and it has been copied and pasted on several different threads. I found it disturbing and harsh, and reported the post to the mods.
 
Thank-you for responding P0kemama. This isn't my first time coming off the meds but it has been quite some time ago and that was not a taper. I came off the meds cold turkey. That was hard and I was 10 or 12 years younger. You are so right with your statement about the pain and being drawn-out. Do you think I am not reducing my meds enough every 7/days? I really want to be free of this and have the minimal of withdrawals. My thoughts were as I go down more to try CBD a few times a day. I have heard this does help with pain, anxiety and overall well being. Again, thank-you for responding and to better days ahead. God Bless -
 
I saw my pain mgmt doc yesterday. He says it's unlikely that I am in withdrawl 4 hours after taking a 15 mg oxy pill, but that's what it feels like. I'm going to try and push through another taper and get to 45 mg/day. I'm back around 100 mg/ day now.
 
With the short acting opiate medication such as a 15 mg oxy-ir it is 100% possible to enter into a withdraw state after 4 hours. Not sure why your doctor would want to argue with you. Best of luck to you with your taper.
 
Squeaky and Shroomi: Please ignore the post by Agirl77...hopefully it will be removed before you read it. She is just a troll, and it has been copied and pasted on several different threads. I found it disturbing and harsh, and reported the post to the mods.

Thank you so much. I am sensitive to stuff like that, which is mainly why I stick to this thread only these days.

I have never been worse, I was just reviewing this thread. It was interesting to see how I was in September through December last year. I remember a lot of hellish withdrawal and I just haven't been able to handle it lately. The withdrawal is way worse now.

I will continue to post here more often even if I go back to heroin as, after all, it's another opiate that you can sort of taper with too. Anyways, reviewing the posts made me sad. It showed just how much effort I was putting into it.

There were a few mistakes I made and I know the whole 'forgive yourself' argument but life is short and you can't be fucking around back and forth in withdrawal for years on end

-I took an oral dose of hydromorphone after I went through acute withdrawal. It set me back to square one emotionally, but left my body fine. This destroyed me... I felt like I fried my brain, and it was the best high I ever had but I didn't even intend to get high. I looked up equivalency tables since I was low on oxy and had them and it was still oral use (don't trust equivalency tables during tapering)

-It's really hard to taper if you are like me and end up taking several times the amount you are prescribed, and don't have much money

-it's hard to taper if you don't have good health to go back to

I could go on and on, but I sort of see what happened last year. I kept getting worse and worse. It started with sniffing the odd dilaudid here and there, but it was really that oral dose which surprisingly awakened the beast. It made me realize how high this shit could get me again, and that tempted me I think.

-For me, acute withdrawal lasts 10 days. That is the duration it took for the crushing depression to subside after that dilaudid mistake.

-After a couple months, I started getting really, really bad. I think this was partly due to not being able to take care of myself. I didn't leave my place the whole time pretty much. I wasn't really capable of taking care of myself (bathing frequently, cooking healthy meals...), and I couldn't afford to pay for extra street pills to use for tapering when they are so expensive and I wasn't getting any sort of high or real relief.

I see why I didn't stick with it. And, I am getting old. I don't know if I can do it again at this time of my life. I fell off the radar at the first line of heroin on November 30th or Dec 1st. Then I just recently started posting again. During that time, life was great, but now that I don't have it I am downright suicidal. I think it's my best option right now, I guess that's how deluded I've become, or how much suffering my life is.

-It seems that I only ever get anywhere when I use heroin. Maybe this is a delusion but after injuring my back I got a university degree. I worked an interesting job. I travelled. I only ever did anything constructive when I had heroin. Otherwise, i was nothing, like I am now.

If I don't kill myself (and I'm serious... I'm planning it out, I have everything, I think about it all the time, and death) I will continue to post. If I start using heroin again which is inevitable I will continue to post just not glorifying it in any way as obviously I do not want to be a heroin user. There is no fun in it and a lot of fucking hell. Like any prescription addiction, I use it because I'm broke and my doctor gives me the weakest pills on the market.

It is good to have everything recorded. From the physical agony to the emotional problems that led me back to where I am. I'm picking up some heroin soon. Just can't take it anymore.

How I left the group for at least 2 months without posting once, while on heroin 24/7 says a lot. I had given up after really trying hard. I'm too old to get where I want to be in my career if I fuck around with quitting anymore. Excuses, excuses. I just can't handle the process of quitting. I could barely even quit weed and I have reasons to use opiates (extreme, excruciating chronic pain that makes life impossible for me in almost all respects).

I've been doing cocaine and meth this year too. On a semi-regular basis. Like I need any more fucking problems, although I'd take both of those addictions to get away from this monster. Heroin is my real love. It's fucking sick in the head but whenever I get it for the first time in a while, it's like a love affair. Oh, how I've missed you so... etc... it's insanity at its finest and really not fun. It is Hell.

And I have no excuse. I was reading blue light when I was taking those half-percocets. Back when 2.5mg oxycodone got me high. Tolerance didn't hit for a really long time... I got high consistently, all day every day, for around 18 months before all hell broke loose. All of a sudden I was a hardcore addict and tolerance seemed to hit me all at once. It just keeps getting worse. All I want is a normal life. I don't see it happening, several years ago when these problems started (chronic pain, panic attacks) I looked for all the help I could find. Nothing helped, so heroin was the first opiate I tried. It has always been my favourite but i was at least a year before I was really into it. I was popping percs before then.

I didn't make the right decisions and I feel that it is too late. By the time I recovered, there is no way in hell I could have any sort of career that I want. I seriously just want to drop a gram of C and H each into a strange and IV for the first time. I know it's going to happen. I just know it, and it sucks.

I lost my friend who I was talking to every day about this stuff and she was a huge help. It was my fault as I was freaking out emotionally in December. I miss her though. I have nobody anymore. I sit in a basement, day after day, until I have completely lost touch with reality. I feel like taking more and more psychedelics until I am not even human any more. I'm not right in the head but I'll try to keep posting when I get the heroin. It won't be glorifying or triggering. I don't want the fucking garbage. Every cell in my body depends on it.

I feel like yelling at my do. Why not raise me from a starter dose. Would it not be better for me to be on oxy 40's or 80's every 12 hours with a couple 20mg IR breakthrough pain meds? Then go through this utter nonsense? That's all I need and I'd easily be working in a technical field. I can get a job in a fucking week or two but I don't because I don't I can't handle it with the pain, and I just don't have the money for the drugs right now. I am miserable and it seems like we are all struggling to quit. I am considering the needle, very strongly at this point.

Just writing all this down so I can look back if I'm still alive. Like I looked back at my posts last year and I could tell I was messed up. Sort of wired up, never calm, always suffering and complaining. I'm so fucking sick of it but I don't want to quit. I want more, and my tolerance isn't even that high. I don't get it.. oh right the "opioid crisis." The real issue here is I have untreatable, debilitating, devastating chronic pain and I'm getting the weakest pills that they manufacture for it. I never know what to say to the doctor I feel like I'm on jury or whatever. And with two minute appointments it's pretty much a drug hustle. They don't prescribe me more to cover their ass... they just invite many, many more patients. Nice business model but I need 40's or 80's and 20 IR's. Otherwise, it's not hard to see why I would resort to heroin as miserable as it is. But to be honest I'm happy when I have heroin. I asked my girlfriend about this and she says yeah, you were happy all winter. It's hard to remember, but it's not all bad. I was happy for once.
 
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Well I didn't realize those 100mg morphines were essentially heroin addict maintenance doses. Addicts are given anywhere from 300 to 600mg and I was taking anywhere from 1 to 3 of them on average. Some countries use them instead of subs or methadone. They never got me high but were great for pain and also would keep me out of withdrawals for like 24 hours. Fuck they're good medicine... good luck getting that from the doctor, although like squeaky says you take oxy and 4 hours later you're sick. Morphine, in my experience, is just not like that. A lot of the effects linger and it makes it easier to handle. The effect is very different.

I'm having a real tough time without them. I need some H real bad, hopefully tomorrow. I fucking pray tomorrow because otherwise I'm gonna start trashing this place. Now that I know how screwed I am vacation is out of the question. I am going through a real rough time and I sense death is near. I need H and it's just unbearable. I don't want to take more than 10 percocets today but like, just for one day... just to hold me over until I can start shooting up as this is ridiculous now. Does anyone else find every withdrawal is worse than the last. I think it's because the wd's wear the body out, there comes a point you just can't take it anymore.

I needed help so long ago, several years ago. Maybe a decade. I didn't do anything but drugs and I feel like I'm on my deathbed now. One sniff, and 15 minutes later I will be cleaning up this horrible mess. Awful awful mess. I can't take care of myself and I am getting skinny again. I'm still trying to get my tolerance down but for fucks sake I can't just stop all of a sudden like this. It's gonna give me a heart attack especially with all the coke I've been sniffing for reasons unknown. Just for something to hit. I'm retarded, I'm going to revisit this thread after I get a hit in me. It's fuckin sad what my life has become. Maybe after I get a hit I will see things differently but right now that's all I can think about, escaping this, jumping out of my skin. I am all out of ER oxy so I can't even use those. It's 5mg fucking percs and I'm not taking more than 10 of those in a day that's just stupid when a small line has a much stronger effect with no liver toxin.

Anyways, I am not right in mind at the moment. I feel that I ruined my life. I'll be lucky to be alive by the time I get my next fix. I am hoping tomorrow. But I cannot take this anymore. I don't have any time to waste like this and I never get better. Guess I'm just a loser in life. At least I hold in my power the ability to end it all. Give reincarnation a try.

Every time I've tried the cold water extraction thing I've fucked it up. But I totally need a 50mg dose of oxy right now. I might look into it. Fuck. I'm to sick to even focus, only write. I think cold water extraction, if it actually works, could totally save my ass right now.

I have to skip family dinners, family vacations, because I need a hit. A fuckin damn hit. Eventually, I will have a good job in a technical field and I won't care anymore. I'll just buy ounces of dope and have a normal life and probably die young but whatever. I'll take 5 years of happiness, at least sometimes, than a long life of pain and burnout. I'm really in a self destructive mood and wtf am I doing coke for. At least it got me out of bed for a glass of water but... I'm not even 30. How can my body be so weak like this? It's fucking weird, especially when I consider that a 15mg sniff would make me finally completely normal, like not even recognize this suffering occurred. Just get on with life... makes it hard to stop when I am so functional with it and even after all those months of semi-abstinent I was fucking psychotic.

It's not a good time for me. I'll revisit one I get a hit. I plan on reading through the whole thread. I know the heroin fucked my head up. When I relapsed I should have just went on morphine or dilaudid pills but yeah... find a cure for pain and I'll throw the drugs away.
 
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I have noticed the same thing Shroomi- every withdrawl is a little more painful than the last. I have come to the decision that it is because I am expecting it to hurt, and I am more certain of the cause(and the cure). It makes time pass more slowly each time and therefore causes my suffering to be more drawn out.
For example: When I can't sleep I think about getting up and watching TV to help relax and sleep. Or I try to have some tea, or food, to make me sleepy. I might not sleep all night but it passes kind of fast. If I know it's withdrawl causing me insomnia I am staring at the clock. I am not thinking of TV or food. I am beating myself up over my dependance and how much I used that day. The hours become minutes, then the minutes are seconds that move like molasses and the night becomes a death sentence.
 
Exactly man. Time is meaningless in withdrawal. We become more familiar with what we are up against and it becomes downright frightening or easier to copout. I don't really think the addiction progresses as much as they say it does, physically. Apart from tolerance level.
Man I had one of the worst days of my life. I couldn't get out of bed so I did some coke. Then I had a glass of lemon water and a very light breakfast. I'm presently in agony. I played guitar for half an hour today. You're supposed to be able to do anything in your 20's.
I need to get some heroin again just to get a grip. Stop the suicidal thoughts. Then I can figure out how to proceed. I think I'm just a junkie who ruined my life and I have to accept that. I personally don't think I'll see the year through. It will be my choice though. This is fuckin unbearable.

Alright. Coke away. Saved for a better day. Anyways, I'm trying something unconventional but what I've been using for mild withdrawals. It is the meth cure. Controversial, and not for everyone, I know. But hear me out and I DO NOT recommend this by the way, I'm just documenting my escapades in case I turn out alright.

So I was in mild withdrawal (lack of energy, depression, general malaise) when I was taking the 100mg morphine pills on top of my percs. So, I would take a quarter of a really good speed pill every morning and all the symptoms magically disappeared. All the mental and physical ones. And when I crashed.. I would actually sleep. Also, I believe that it speeds up the withdrawal process... it is speed, after all. But seriously - if I take quarter pills every morning and afternoon, my withdrawal will probably be shorter. And I'm not a stimulant guy really, so after a week or two it just stops being necessary.

I know that sounds crazy but it worked in mild withdrawal. Instead of doing nothing, I kept my place clean, played guitar, read a long book that was totally awesome (diary of a dope fiend by crowley)... I was busy. So long as I dosed not past lunch time I could sleep at night, but tonight I expect no sleep so I took a quarter pill. I hope I am physically okay because I was doing coke all day. Fuck. I don't recommend this whatsoever but I'm running out of options here. And I swear to it. Meth takes away all withdrawal symptoms - physically and mentally, at least in mild wd. Never tried it this sick... it could end up really nasty and the dose has to be low and also oral.

Fucking stupid idea but what can you do. Maybe I will look back later at the idiocy of this reasoning after I have a fucking heart attack. Or perhaps I'll be clean much faster as I found I could go 12 hours without heroin if I took a quarter pill, when I otherwise fiended it after 2 to 3 hours (when it got bad again). Anyways, I will see. Hope this isn't against the rules I am not condoning this, if anything I am expressing how stupid and reckless I am at this point. How I am a poly drug abuser after my opiate tolerance grew to be too much to afford.
 
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Shroomy: I now am starting day 4 off of oxymorphone (my version of heroin) and I have 40 hours off of all opiates. It has been a brutal almost 3 weeks now, but I have to be done, and I am so done Do not lose hope. I would encourage you to set up a taper plan again, whether with H or pills... whatever. I know you have pain... but what is your life worth? Is it worth a gamble to try to manage the pain w/o addictive substances or not? Can you go to detox/rehab?
I have not been this happy in years, although my body is so beat up. I am remembering things I used to do... they all went on the back burner as I chased that high. Your support and Squeaky's and the people dropping by have given me the strength to pick myself up time after time when I failed on a taper. I can now say being clean feels amazing!!
 
Congrats pokemama, that is awesome. Being somewhat clean, at least after a few months, didn't seem the same. Not sure why. I'm severely mentally ill.

I have been lowering my tolerance in the past month (not by choice, I just lost my H connect). It is definitely lower but still, I can take 10 percocet in a day, obviously not smart liver-wise, and not feel a damn thing. So the doctor is out. Heroin is my drug.

But I am still tapering nevertheless. I am taking 15mg oxy every 6 hours, so 60mg a day. I didn't sleep last night because I am taking amphetamines to help me get through the symptoms. I'm not the type to get hooked on meth... I have enough issues haha. But, using it to get through acute withdrawal is something I see no problem with, especially in a low dose oral administration (the dose they prescribe it as Desoxyn for adhd and stuff, or lower... not to get high, that shit just gives me a massive panic attack).

And I am not pussying out! I am going on vacation in a bit. I have some time to get clean beforehand. Can't pass up the cute college girls on spring break, and I just love the beach so much. Honestly it is perfect, to go through acute wd and then spend a few weeks on the beach just tanning and recovering. Get away from the place I've been using throughout my 20's. It's a really good plan and I'd be stupid to mess this up. Even if I fuck up and I'm still in acute withdrawal... I mean it's beach paradise. It just goes to show how much these drugs have fucked with me, that I was too nervous about going there because I wouldn't have my fix.

When I pick up H again (I need to, I'm really low on pills) I will probably take 10mg every 6 hours and continue in a similar manor. It's just not worth the misery anymore. Yes, I am going to immediately get very high probably with a needle, pass out, get high again, do a huge yoga session, play some guitar and see what comes of it, have a massive feast... but I am slowly tapering. I hate the weak body feeling eh? Like my upper arms have shrivelled up to nothing. The worst withdrawal symptom for me is that my upper arms feel like they are burning on fire, apart from the severe depression. The upper arms thing is just fucked.

I want to be looking good for the springtime you know? I tend to look strung out going through this. That's always when I seem to meet women around here. Although, as I've mentioned abusing these drugs annihilates my sex drive which is one of the few somethings I was not aware of when I started using. It really, really sucks as it renders a man pretty much asexual while he is using heavily. If i get down to 60mg oxy a day, that won't be a problem. I'm talking heavy heroin doses. I don't know what I was thinking after all that progress but it's been about 24 hours at this dose for me and I am committed, out of liver health more than anything.

I can taper with heroin using the same methods. The question is if I want to. I don't have enough money at all right now to go overboard with it. I usually do something like a line in the morning, then a quarter pill of speed to get me through the day, and a line at night. When I run out I go completely crazy, so crazy it is scary and dangerous. The recovery for me was a rollercoaster and it kept getting worse into the months and I finally gave up. I don't regret it, I like how heroin eliminates all forms of pain and helps me to reach my potential. I'm pissed off that I can't have it all the time and live normally when people can drink, smoke, do weed etc...

I am very confused and I'm not doing well career-wise. I get a lot of questions in interviews about what I have been doing and I don't really have answers. I don't have time to take two years and potentially recover right now.

Just my present thoughts. Congrats again. I'm too financially poor right now to go overboard with the H. Whatever I have will be pretty much taper/maintenance doses every 6 hours.

Wish I never did heroin. I can't otherwise so much as walk though, or concentrate on reading a book. I have my reasons. The speed chilled me out btw, withdrawal symptoms are 50% of what they were or so.

Congrats again that is awesome. I become a monster without the stuff. And like.... do I wait until my 30's to (potentially) recover and then start my technical career? Or start shooting good dope tomorrow, get a job within a week or two considering my excellent education (wd is the only thing holding me back), and then later in life, maybe take some time off work to do a fast taper once I am an established man. I have nothing now; it's really easy to see why I would be so depressed to use heroin and have unexplained extreme chronic pain in my spine.

I'm gonna read through my journey last year, and watch the videos I made. I'm not giving up it's just like what have I done in 6 months? Apart from the two months I was on Heroin, nothing whatsoever for myself. Life is short and there is A LOT I want to accomplish, not just kicking this shit. And in the future they will probably have better treatments for pain because this obviously doesn't work long term. It terms nearly everyone into a junkie and sadly, if your pain is as excruciating as mine, it's in many ways a preferable existence. I still really want to quit, I'm just saying, I can't fucking walk without the shit. I talk to a doctor for 2 minutes every 3 months about this for what is essentially a drug hustle. There's more to the story than just me... but I can get out of this, I know I can... and if I don't, I will join the masses of individuals in their 20's with immense potential who are dying of heroin OD's. It's fuckin sad and they seriously don't give a fuck. Nobody is doing a damn thing to stop it. Are there any alternative treatments I have ever been offered when inquired? No. Has acupuncture, physio, chiro ever worked? No. We are as a species scientific geniuses. This shouldn't be hard. In my opinion, they already have less addictive treatments for chronic pain, but it's like the oil companies and cars running on water. They don't want to give up the insane profits. I've spend like 100 grand on this garbage not eevn including my prescription. I'm getting addicted to stimulants merely because I'm trying to catch up from all the lost time.

I literally regret my whole entire life. I went to a school with so many beautiful women and had one girlfriend for 2 weeks the whole time before losing interest in favour of drugs. I wasn't exactly unattractive, there was no reason for it. I still struggle with that because my girl she's the only one I've ever been with. Makes me feel weird, and sad, like I missed out. I was a quintessential intellectual pothead in university, stoned 24/7 but that's how I developed a proclivity for habitual drug use, it did me NO good. I'm glad I'm not smoking that anymore. I had two really tight groups of friends. One were the hippy type / cute hippie chicks and stoner dudes, we'd eat mushrooms on the island in the field and just attain Satori. It was awesome. I was always so calm tripping back then, before the panic and chronic pain hit later in life. Tripping is different now although 2c-b blew my mind recently. My other group of friends I was closer with as we did a lot of booze and recreatinal drugs together and were all in similar technical programs. I've lost touch with them and one of my goals is to regain contact with my old friends.

I just fucked up in so many ways. My entire life is a fuckup so far. Doesn't mean I can change but if you look at my patterns of behaviour over the years I am only getting worse and worse. It doesn't have as much to do with drugs as you would think... symptom not a cause. I might have a serious sort of physical illness... not sure what it would be. The speed definitely helped my withdrawals so if you have adderall or something like that... I mean I'm not recommending it... that's not harm reduction. I am just stating the fact that they significantly help withdrawal symptoms in some people, especially the depression but also even physical symptoms since it distracts and energizes you. And, typically, people who love opiates don't like stimulants so much to get hooked. Again, not recommending although I can't see any addiction at all being worse than this one. Even benzos I can slowly taper off as I have self control with those, when the time comes.

I am very lost. I think it might be common at my age, despite all these problems. It's kinda like a mid or quarter life crisis I've been going through. I have no sense of direction, no identity, no idea what to do with myself. So I just get high and at least I'm happen. I can still function but it doesn't solve the aforementioned problems.

Pokemama, Squeaky... what did we ever do to deserve this fate? It's a deep philosophical question. Did I somehow wrong someone really bad or something? Maybe in a past life? Yeah, we got high on our meds, but who can blame us on that one. And with a constant supply... it's just crazy. Tolerance goes up, if you mention tolerance you are labelled a junkie, it shouldn't be that way. I should be able to say, "Doctor, I have been abusing my meds since day 1, this is how much I take now, and I want to taper off very slowly." If I said that, I'd be kicked out and maybe prescribed suboxone or methadone, neither of which would help me. There is just so much stigma, I feel dirty. I feel undeserving. I know that I'm sick, but when you're sick you go to the doctor. This is happening to everyone without discrimination, but it's like you're viewed as some weak-minded person. It's bullshit. Anyone who fucked up their spine royally, lost their job and house, and got a perc script after 2 years of constant unbearable suffering would end up this way... at least 90%+ of people. When you finally see that something exists which provides relief, you are blinded by the power of these pain-free feelings. Yeah I did heroin and shit but people make mistakes. Maybe I have to suffer, it is a part of my journey and it will lead to progress? I find that hard to believe when people are dropping dead from the exact same thing that I do on a daily basis. I am SO, SO, SO lucky to be alive at this point. I can honestly think of countless times off the top of my head where I lightly OD'd... came very close to the edge. But why me and not others? Why am I still here? Is it just a matter of time? I don't actually use needles so I think that's what saved me to be honest... needles are fucked. And luck. A hell of a lot of luck. I should be grateful I am here suffering, to still have my life. I so easily could be dead right now - years ago, it's been fucking years of this - and it would devastate so many really cool people.

The only thing I have never done is steal for my habit or commit a crime. I'm just not like that. I think the needle would be a mistake. I have 30 of them laying around, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just wasting my heroin. But it's the same shit. Tolerance goes up, you get used to it, and I think that is when you truly lose your dignity. Just my thoughts on the matter. There is still hope for me but sniffing heroin for so long, on and off, and such high purity, is very addictive. I'm going to have a hell of a time staying "clean" (I despise that term used in this context, it just adds to the stigma) so I am starting to write in this thread again. I know I dropped out for a couple months... but I was high as fuck. Pretty much forgot about this BL stuff and support. I was having a ball with my girl, travelling and stuff. Heroin always seems to take me on a journey. The furthest I made it on the stuff was in my car all the way to Vancouver. That was with china white and I am nostalgic for my life. That's the one time in my life I've had 90%+ heroin and it resulted in an adventure through the mountains into Vancouver over a summer. The day I arrived home, I ran out of H and spent the next 6 months bedridden depressed. I wasn't sick yet, but I was starting to get really depressed, even still using 15mg oxy's.

It has to stop but it's a scary thought when the sickness ends and the cravings start. The sickness is the easy part, not to downplay it, but what I experiences from 1 to 2 months was horrific in comparison.
 
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Congrats again pokemama.

btw... messages of meth. Fuck. Pure evil. Not triggering I hope, I don't really know the rules like there were in sober living. Anyways, I in no way condone using meth to get off opiates because it's really damaging to your brain but it's working for me. I was ready to die, I counted out 100 2mg kpins last night (didn't take em) and I feel like I'm rolling now. Rockin out to music, I'm heading into day 2, maybe closer to day 3 at 60mg oxy.

My motivation is the beach vacation and the hot spring break chicks... haha. Seriously though, after the initial torture chilling out tanning on a beach... can you think of anything better to nurse me back to health? So long as I avoid sunburns and reach for painkillers. Anyways, I am feeling way better about this and it's not the drugs. It's that I decided I'm not pussying out of my vacation. I'm gonna read through my old posts to see what went wrong.
 
Shroomy, What can I say? You are doing what you think you have to do to survive. I am doing what I think I have to do to survive. There is no end to the suffering, is there?

I send you nothing but positive thoughts.
 
Thanks. I don't have it all figured out, but I got my flight. I am heading to the tropics! This means that I have one week to kick cold turkey, or I won't be able to go. It has been hell. Absolute hell. But it's perfect... I get through acute withdrawal, and during the really hard part (when PAWS is starting) I'm just chilling out on the beach (or at least having panic attacks in the sunshine and ocean breeze). I just felt that it was fate, I saw the opportunity to have this sweet vacation as a reward for kicking the shit. My other option was to pass up the vacation, stay home cooped up doing heroin (who knows what could happen on this trip? Friends to meet? Always an adventure... I'd really regret it if I didn't go).

I didn't sleep last night, and I passed out this afternoon and woke up in the evening. My doctors appointment is soon, which totally sucks. I don't really want to talk to my doctor when I'm in withdrawal like this. I feel like there is too much to do with packing and I have never been so sick. I'm not really cold turkey but taking a really low dose of oxy each day, that does fuck all, I've been kicking like all Hell.

Anyone else find they are overly emotional in withdrawal. I think it might be my mental health a bit, but I have been crying my eyes out every day. Sometimes, I don't really know why. All I know is that, I am kicking this time once and for all. No heroin grab. Nothing. I get the pills I get from my doctor and I damn hope I continue to get them because otherwise I'll be pretty fucked.

Sending you positive thoughts as well. I hope I have a nice vacation, I'll be so busy having fun / relaxing / doing nothing in a beautiful place that post-acute withdrawals will be well on their way by the time I get home.

I just needed a motivation to quit. I like to travel, and I don't bring drugs with me unless they are prescribed. I'm not an idiot, so I got the ticket and then I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was like signing up for a really fast kick. I don't have a single chance to mess up. I have to pretty much go cold turkey this next week because I've already blown through my script more than I should have.

Then when I get home I'm moving to a new city with some friends who work there and I will find a job in my field. I'm def staying on my prescription it's the extras that cause all the problems.

I should probably stop taking speed but again, I'll be in the tropics for a while so that should clear me out of that shit. And it destroys the withdrawal depression, which I can deal with once I'm physically better as I'm still sick as FUCK, just distracted by a rapid-fire mind.

I am glad this thread is becoming more active again. It's not like I will come home and be cured. I'll probably crave heroin the whole time I'm gone and come back and want to score. Stupid stupid stupid. You'd think I'd be smarter than to use heroin let alone fucking daily, but when you're in pain...
 
^Good for you to go cold turkey! I sure hope the worst of the w.d. are over by the time you travel. A tropical vacation sounds like good motivation to get clean. I wish you good luck with this process. I am starting day 4 being clean off of all opiates.... truly a miracle. I am still sick, and it is about 2 1/2 weeks... but having some hours where the symptoms are minimal.
 
Tapering isn't working for me so I am going to try not taking any at all. Hopefully with a few days my tolerance will at least drop and my regular meds will work better for my trip. If I could be comfortable on my prescribed dose, I could try tapering. My dose is way too high to afford it. So, I have a few days to look forward to with no opiates at all while I try and get a bag together to travel. Presently I can't get out of bed and I am yawning a lot in the middle of the day. I tough a crazy amount of benzos so I don't really feel the muscle aches.

I am trying to eat healthy, practice guitar, read, keep hydrated, practice yin yoga, and just tough it out. I think my dose is still low enough that I can safely cold turkey... it takes around 150mg oxy for me to have a completely functional day. That isn't that much. I think I could cold turkey that shit but I sure as hell won't be on vacation. I think after 3 days of nothing I'll be happy to have anything.

I might even cold turkey on my vacation. Probably the best place for it but I worry how I got crazy with the benzos and I won't have them.
 
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Shroomy,
It sounds like you have your activities to keep your mind off the withdrawals. I think kickin' on vacation does not sound so bad.

By the way, I have 8 days clean! I feel like I can see daylight peeking out the other side!
 
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