Squeaky and Shroomi: Please ignore the post by Agirl77...hopefully it will be removed before you read it. She is just a troll, and it has been copied and pasted on several different threads. I found it disturbing and harsh, and reported the post to the mods.
Thank you so much. I am sensitive to stuff like that, which is mainly why I stick to this thread only these days.
I have never been worse, I was just reviewing this thread. It was interesting to see how I was in September through December last year. I remember a lot of hellish withdrawal and I just haven't been able to handle it lately. The withdrawal is way worse now.
I will continue to post here more often even if I go back to heroin as, after all, it's another opiate that you can sort of taper with too. Anyways, reviewing the posts made me sad. It showed just how much effort I was putting into it.
There were a few mistakes I made and I know the whole 'forgive yourself' argument but life is short and you can't be fucking around back and forth in withdrawal for years on end
-I took an oral dose of hydromorphone after I went through acute withdrawal. It set me back to square one emotionally, but left my body fine. This destroyed me... I felt like I fried my brain, and it was the best high I ever had but I didn't even intend to get high. I looked up equivalency tables since I was low on oxy and had them and it was still oral use (don't trust equivalency tables during tapering)
-It's really hard to taper if you are like me and end up taking several times the amount you are prescribed, and don't have much money
-it's hard to taper if you don't have good health to go back to
I could go on and on, but I sort of see what happened last year. I kept getting worse and worse. It started with sniffing the odd dilaudid here and there, but it was really that oral dose which surprisingly awakened the beast. It made me realize how high this shit could get me again, and that tempted me I think.
-For me, acute withdrawal lasts 10 days. That is the duration it took for the crushing depression to subside after that dilaudid mistake.
-After a couple months, I started getting really, really bad. I think this was partly due to not being able to take care of myself. I didn't leave my place the whole time pretty much. I wasn't really capable of taking care of myself (bathing frequently, cooking healthy meals...), and I couldn't afford to pay for extra street pills to use for tapering when they are so expensive and I wasn't getting any sort of high or real relief.
I see why I didn't stick with it. And, I am getting old. I don't know if I can do it again at this time of my life. I fell off the radar at the first line of heroin on November 30th or Dec 1st. Then I just recently started posting again. During that time, life was great, but now that I don't have it I am downright suicidal. I think it's my best option right now, I guess that's how deluded I've become, or how much suffering my life is.
-It seems that I only ever get anywhere when I use heroin. Maybe this is a delusion but after injuring my back I got a university degree. I worked an interesting job. I travelled. I only ever did anything constructive when I had heroin. Otherwise, i was nothing, like I am now.
If I don't kill myself (and I'm serious... I'm planning it out, I have everything, I think about it all the time, and death) I will continue to post. If I start using heroin again which is inevitable I will continue to post just not glorifying it in any way as obviously I do not want to be a heroin user. There is no fun in it and a lot of fucking hell. Like any prescription addiction, I use it because I'm broke and my doctor gives me the weakest pills on the market.
It is good to have everything recorded. From the physical agony to the emotional problems that led me back to where I am. I'm picking up some heroin soon. Just can't take it anymore.
How I left the group for at least 2 months without posting once, while on heroin 24/7 says a lot. I had given up after really trying hard. I'm too old to get where I want to be in my career if I fuck around with quitting anymore. Excuses, excuses. I just can't handle the process of quitting. I could barely even quit weed and I have reasons to use opiates (extreme, excruciating chronic pain that makes life impossible for me in almost all respects).
I've been doing cocaine and meth this year too. On a semi-regular basis. Like I need any more fucking problems, although I'd take both of those addictions to get away from this monster. Heroin is my real love. It's fucking sick in the head but whenever I get it for the first time in a while, it's like a love affair. Oh, how I've missed you so... etc... it's insanity at its finest and really not fun. It is Hell.
And I have no excuse. I was reading blue light when I was taking those half-percocets. Back when 2.5mg oxycodone got me high. Tolerance didn't hit for a really long time... I got high consistently, all day every day, for around 18 months before all hell broke loose. All of a sudden I was a hardcore addict and tolerance seemed to hit me all at once. It just keeps getting worse. All I want is a normal life. I don't see it happening, several years ago when these problems started (chronic pain, panic attacks) I looked for all the help I could find. Nothing helped, so heroin was the first opiate I tried. It has always been my favourite but i was at least a year before I was really into it. I was popping percs before then.
I didn't make the right decisions and I feel that it is too late. By the time I recovered, there is no way in hell I could have any sort of career that I want. I seriously just want to drop a gram of C and H each into a strange and IV for the first time. I know it's going to happen. I just know it, and it sucks.
I lost my friend who I was talking to every day about this stuff and she was a huge help. It was my fault as I was freaking out emotionally in December. I miss her though. I have nobody anymore. I sit in a basement, day after day, until I have completely lost touch with reality. I feel like taking more and more psychedelics until I am not even human any more. I'm not right in the head but I'll try to keep posting when I get the heroin. It won't be glorifying or triggering. I don't want the fucking garbage. Every cell in my body depends on it.
I feel like yelling at my do. Why not raise me from a starter dose. Would it not be better for me to be on oxy 40's or 80's every 12 hours with a couple 20mg IR breakthrough pain meds? Then go through this utter nonsense? That's all I need and I'd easily be working in a technical field. I can get a job in a fucking week or two but I don't because I don't I can't handle it with the pain, and I just don't have the money for the drugs right now. I am miserable and it seems like we are all struggling to quit. I am considering the needle, very strongly at this point.
Just writing all this down so I can look back if I'm still alive. Like I looked back at my posts last year and I could tell I was messed up. Sort of wired up, never calm, always suffering and complaining. I'm so fucking sick of it but I don't want to quit. I want more, and my tolerance isn't even that high. I don't get it.. oh right the "opioid crisis." The real issue here is I have untreatable, debilitating, devastating chronic pain and I'm getting the weakest pills that they manufacture for it. I never know what to say to the doctor I feel like I'm on jury or whatever. And with two minute appointments it's pretty much a drug hustle. They don't prescribe me more to cover their ass... they just invite many, many more patients. Nice business model but I need 40's or 80's and 20 IR's. Otherwise, it's not hard to see why I would resort to heroin as miserable as it is. But to be honest I'm happy when I have heroin. I asked my girlfriend about this and she says yeah, you were happy all winter. It's hard to remember, but it's not all bad. I was happy for once.