That sucks to hear you have a pain flare too. I am getting through mine, it is slightly lessened.
So confused I guess the cause doesn't matter. I was beginning to become a little careless because I hadn't been bothered by back pain for a few months. I think mainly physical stress from last week not overdoing it like carrying anything or falling, being in withdrawal and not sleeping or eating for a few days. I did yin yoga in the sunshine today and feel better. Good sign, I would be comfortable hitting up a hot yoga class again at this point. It also could have been a simple twist or a fall, doesn't matter I don't need to analyze it in fact it's best really not to dwell on the pain and distract myself with things that I know help it.
It was bad I was passing out from it. I think a lot of it is depression related. I burnt myself out for a while, and now I am getting back into my old hobbies. I wasn't doing anything. I've been reading for hours and that hasn't happened in a long time. I don't want to put my book down. Now that is promising because I'm thinking about jobs too and my mind is racing when I scheme about my future like this, in a good way. I feel alive. If I am done reading I'd like to play guitar, or work on my second language. These are things that I have been unmotivated to do lately. Stuff like hot yoga even if I take a week off is becoming much easier to attend, and I do so more efficiently.
I find caffeine helps significantly. I have lots of coffee, and espresso now. I used to avoid it due to the anxiety but with depression like this... I don't know if it is normally good for that but I have a lot more energy. It helps the anhedonia, the lethargic, the inability to care so much as sadness ceases to exist. Standing on the shaky footing of what has become reality. I find that without it I can't manage my time, I can't concentrate, I don't have any initiative to do anything... I really find it hard to function. I went straight from tea to several espressos a day when I quit the dope and got through the first few weeks. I am so sensitive these days that I think part of the problem is I haven't coffee at home lately. Got a yummy french press and blond roast now. Anyways if people quitting are having trouble with energy levels coffee at least for me and particularly a few espressos really helps, makes me dehydrated so I drink more water.
Seems to help with the executive functioning of my brain which is a lot of where my problems stem from. I find myself indecisive over the littlest of things, and find it hard to really follow through with things long term. I feel directionless, overanalyze the situation, spend way too much time thinking and not enough doing. All theory and no action. If only I were to take more action, but then I get all anxious about not doing anythin when there is so much to do. This is why I am attracted to stimulants and never was before, but I think I have learned my lesson and will stick with the coffee. Stuff like coke seems like shooting myself in the foot. When I get reading my book, or anything intellectually constructive at all, or beneficial for my present and/or future, I will feel great about myself. The problem seems to be getting started. I can't seem to focus for long periods of time anymore, espresso is my favourite as it often clears this up. I napped all afternoon after getting all that sunshine and had no idea it was well past midnight, it feels like dinner time to me. I suppose this means that I will have to miss yoga tomorrow morning, kind of sucks. I could stay up for it and sleep after but I'll just take it easy and practice in the sun again to make sure my back is good then start up again with classes next week.
I am having one of those moments of clarity. I can get out of this situation relatively easily so long as I have my health. Back pain returning this bad was a bit of a scare but I'll be good. I'm doing things like reading, learning stuff, and playing guitar, not just yoga now. I feel physically fit so now it is time to get my brain working again. Not socially I am fine with that, and never was before. I mean, what I am talented at and stuff related to my career path. I've been wasting my time but I have had to, it is repayment for all that pain relief and energy the pills provided me for so long. Can't make it through a day without hash, alprazolam, and coffee. Whatever. I really don't care right now I'm working on remaining off opiates since I never ever want to or think I could detox / make it this far again. So I better keep my back in check, and cheer myself up a bit.
Yeah painful one I am taking it easy though. Hot yoga tomorrow morning would be great I like the teacher she is normally pretty chill too. Can't push myself too hard though, I can take the morning to do other productive things, stay up as late as I would like, do yoga or ride my bike tomorrow afternoon anyway, and keep reading this amazing book until sunrise or I fall asleep (Infinite Jest). I think a lot of this depression came from being around people who do coke and getting some last week for a few days but I won't be doing that anymore. Hated the stuff I'm not interested in hurting myself anymore. Then I get depressed from withdrawal or whatever, days go by I don't do anything, my back starts to hurt again. At this point so many years later I think the actual injury is okay to work with it is a matter of living a healthy lifestyle overall and knowing my limits.
