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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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Painful One said:
Thanks my friend. ❤️

It was not just that either. I need to stay away from my siblings. My sister is the meanest, most cruel person ever. I am done trying to have a relationship with her. She is such a materialistic, gossiping bitch! She has and continues to kick me when I am already down and the second she sees me getting any type of confidence back she destroys it.

The Lord was not kidding when he told us that our worst enemies would be those of our own household.
Click to expand...

Sounds a bit like my mom tbh. I'm always telling myself it is better for my health to stay away from her. Every time I see her there is a conflict that stresses me out and it always happens at the very end after we have a nice time. She is the ultimate confidence destroyer. She has worked on systematically destroying my confidence ever since I can remember. She was doing an excellent job for a while until I realized she was essentially a sociopath and goes to psychotherapy and all this (what a surprise there). When me and my past girl would go over for dinner and like, I'd talk about a new job even my gf would be like she even had me questioning whether you could do it or not. Any time she helps me out in any way, she proceeds to hurt me an equal or greater amount. She has given up on me and considers me disabled and she always points the finger at weed for every one of my problems as I believe that she does not wish to reflect on herself, or that there may in fact actually be something wrong with me. I see my younger brother being treated the same way. I see how he is slowly getting fucked up from it but he has a lot better support system than I did - just better friends and a far less stressful life at that age.

So hopefully he can pull through but he has already tried more drugs than I have (at that age), and that concerns me even if it is just experimenting. It is in our genes. I am not involved with drugs with him and never would be not even a joint. Because I know what any of that stuff leads to when you have an addictive personality.
 
My mom is great though when she's stable, I guess like me in a way.

I am quitting pot next of my 3 addictions. It will be clearly the easiest to stop so why not get it out of the way. It is not a joke. I had to lock myself up in a cabin for 6 months last time and had to have groceries couriered up because if I had been around anyone at all I would have got weed. This was after a decade of being permastoned though. It took me 6 months to stop obsessing completely over it (I spent my days reading high times magazines, growing, wondering when I could smoke again without triggering a panic attack... the answer was eventually 'fuck weed') and my obsession with cannabis is far stronger than it ever was with opiates. With weed I'm always after a hit. I want to get high and escape, and I can't function whatsoever when I get too high. I always smoke too early in the day and end up burnt out. I spend hundreds of dollars a month I don't even know how I come up with for a weed.

It's not for me. It makes me relaxed because after smoking ounces a week for years on end, 15 years minus the 3 years that I quit after camping out in the woods alone for a while. It won't be so bad this time because I have been through way worse withdrawals and my anxiety is under control but I am still going to be having panic attacks and insomnia for weeks no matter how many sedatives I take.

That is where I'm at. That shit is ruining my life I don't care how benign it is. I'm spending $$$ a week on it and smoking compulsively. Sometimes I can control it but only for a few days then it's back to heavy smoking to compensate. I am so fucking done this is not the way I want to live. I don't want to wake up and reach for a fuckin bong before my toothbrush or a glass of water.

It's the longest, most extreme psychological addiction I have ever had and has done nothing whatsoever for me but very obviously damage my physical and mental health over that many years of abuse. The first puff I took after 3 years, I was stoned ever since. I won't even be able to quit. It deludes me into thinking that this is actually constructive towards my life. This is how it affects me by the way. I know there is this whole 'weed does no harm' thing but I believe I have had what is called a moment of clarity. I don't really care if it can't overdose me or kill me in withdrawal, which it probably could from the extreme mania I get for a week or two. It's still completely disruptive to my life - even more disruptive tan the benzos because I'm trying to keep up a high that lasts a fucking hour or less now or that I don't even feel anymore and does nothing for me whatsoever.

I use it specifically for physical reasons. I cannot eat food at all without weed. I will literally puke an apple at the 2 or 3 day mark, even the 5th. I've been through it so many times and it's always the same with a different intensity. Also the insomnia is worse than opiate withdrawal insomnia for me WAY worse and the fucking nightmares. It reminds me of benzo interdose withdrawals but ones that are starting to get really hardcore and it stays that way for two weeks.

This is my decision and if I don't make it I know very well I am going to ruin my life. All I care about is how weed affects me. I've done it all in the world of weed and honestly I feel like a drug addict. I use it to eat and sleep and I get extreme social anxiety and depersonalization and derealization getting off it. If I don't do this I am going to completely fuck up my life.

It's also even fucking with the way I treat my anxiety with benzos. I don't know if I'm too fucking stoned and derealized on some other planet or in legit interdose withdrawals and beginning to dissociate. It's so hard to tell and controlling my benzo use is way more important for my health and if I quit pot the money I save can initially get me stocked on those and longer acting ones and start researching very slow tapering or maybe talk to my doctor.

Anyways, it is completely fucking up my energy levels I am so up and down. I'll be feeling suicidal like I want to die and smoke a bong rip and within 15 minutes be euphoric. It's fucking insane how strong the shit is up north and all the strains. I'm just done. I'm going to be in panic mode for weeks, skip yoga, probably lose at least 10 to 20 pounds at the very minimum from appetite suppression. This is the real reason I smoke weed. I'm chasing a hit that I haven't gotten properly for a very long time. So, fuck that shit it's for me! If I can quit opiates I got this too but it is much harder psychologically for me. It's funny how people don't even acknowledge this problem exists. I want to quit weed REALLY BAD and I can't. I can't fucking do it the cravings are so extreme I always go back. And, the cravings are drug cravings. That is what bothers me. These are cravings for nothing other than the sake of a hit to relieve the cravings. It has nothing whatsoever to do with depression and anxiety except quitting makes them worse for a few days / weeks. Then I start feeling human again and not so disconnected from society and more focussed too I have SO much trouble concentrating when I'm stoned, it honestly makes me stupid smoking anything more than like a bong rip a day which I will never, ever be able to do. It has to be 30 or more.

I've been off the opiates and I couldn't have done it without the hern but now it is time to stop this utter nonsense. I'm a man now I can't be smoking weed like a fucking high school kid anymore.
 
I'm so upset with myself. Getting off opiates for me was getting through the sickness and learning how to manage my chronic pain with hot yoga. In a nutshell. There was excruciating pain like burning on the stake I would describe it, full body, but it was so bad that I can't even ever consider going back to that. I do not get cravings. I get resent.

It's just the fact that I have a HUGE problem with weed right now and I know benzos too clearly. That is a taper drop to a medicinal dose. There is no medicinal dose for me for weed because it is way too good feeling and euphoric. I smoke it compulsively until it is gone. If I have 14 grams it will be gone in 3 days. If I have 3 grams it will be gone in 3 days if I'm lucky, or I'll be making another drug run the next day. I cannot believe I am in this situation again I quit for 3 years and one puff off a little pipe and I've never put it down. I was doing fine, that was when the dispensaries opened and there was one around the corner and here I am. Caught the fuck up in grass. I hate the shit too. I despise it and it's so easy to quit but that's what makes it hard and because the feeling, I love it. I love the feeling of a hit like that. I hate to say it but the general experience of it reminds me of how I use coke. In a greedy way.

I am so done with this shit but I'm not. Last time, identifying the problem was the first step and it took a year before I made it anything past a week without chron. It is far more about getting through the physical withdrawals, I see nothing psychologically here except increased anger and anxiety for a while, whatever. I need to be able to get through a week while accepting that I will not be sleeping or eating very much at all and it's the last thing I need right now, but otherwise there goes more $$$ and wasted time. I can be highly functional on pot but it is the fiending aspect. I cannot stop fiending it once I hit it once and I don't even get higher. It's not for me. I literally need a grow op to support that habit and I can't be doing that it's a waste of time when I benefit nothing.

I am furious at myself for this. I really hope I can get well soon, even if I feel better in 2 weeks I'd be really grateful. Last time it was 6 months but I got this. It's a miserable fuckin thing to quit. But at the end of the day it is like opiates to me. I do not need it for anything whatsoever and it has only damaged my life and a lot of people would be very surprised at how much damage has been done... long term damage too. I should be celebrating nearly 4 months clean but I can't consider myself clean while using cannabis this way, and it's the only way I know how to use it. Abuse the fuck out of it until I get stupid. I can't stop doing that so there goes another habit that does me nothing but extreme harm. How am I supposed to function when I freak out if I don't smoke the stuff for a fucking hour or two

I've quit a lot of times usually the discomfort is moderate. At times it can be what I would call extreme. Shit fucked me up more than any drug I've ever used except perhaps Mdma or Lsd. Just being real with myself here. I don't react well to drugs at all, I like who I am sober and the only one I actually need right now is a good benzo. I don't really want a pothead girlfriend either, it's just irritating when one person smokes and the other doesn't. This caused a lot of problems in my one long term relationship, she hated weed and I did too but I couldn't quit. A lot of people don't like it at all. I don't even think I like it and I smoke it all day and I still have about a gram so I'm sure there will come a time sooner than later when I will go on another drug run. I honestly fucking compare the addiction to some of the feelings I have experienced on cocaine, but I was never addicted to coke since I dislike stimulants. Certainly did enough of the stuff but it's not my thing.

I really really really need to stop this shit before it's too late. I can't function as a cannabis addict. I have tried to make it work for 15 fucking years and it just does not work. At least on opiates, if I had them, I was a responsible man. I'd take my pills and get to work. I wake up burnt out as a stoner, lay in bed for an hour or more after smoking a bong toke, can't manage my time efficiently at all and I used to be a fucking manager for work, and every time I leave to do anything I have to get stoned to the max to feel comfortable leaving the house. It's just insane and I know all this bullshit but the panic disorder goes away quick. My first panic attacks I ever had were ALL on weed after bong rips how can I justify this sheer abuse! I don't care what the general consensus is this fucking garbage I can't get away from it. I don't even have opiates on my mind at all anymore it's over.

I will feel just as accomplished if I manage to beat this one too and it is equally as important, just in a very different way. If I can't function, I can't function. I'm not going to get anywhere in life. I stopped weed for 3 years, and this was pretty recent I was already a junkie. I have been through it so much I know exactly where I'm at right now and how much better things will be. I'll get used to it, and stop noticing, but things will be so much better. My health, my back pain, my finances, my personal relationships my mental health issues and above all my career and self confidence drastically improve. I know this because I have already quit for a long time. It's not like, let's quit weed and see what happens. I've been at this for 15 years. I've probably saturated my body with THC but I am actually really curious how hard this is going to be for me. It might turn out to be easy, but it never has before. It has always been my own personal hell. You can't really talk about it to people because most hardcore stoners I know are in denial and do not acknowledge that this is a possibility. The medical community is seeing this shit more and more though.
 
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Well today has been unproductive but fine. I don't need to be productive today. The weed should not be a struggle unless I turn it into one. I need to let go of a weed. This shouldn't be too hard. I like hot yogini women way more than weed and if I could say one thing about my cannabis use is that it contributes strongly to me being off balance, both physically and emotionally due to the way I compulsively use it and not really on a schedule and how I am back and forth about my use, and even if it helps at all.

I have to quit but the appetite suppression is one of the worst withdrawal effects I have ever experienced. Just like the full body muscle aches with opiates drove me insane, the appetite suppression drives me insane as I end up skin and bones and I've been really involved with hot yoga. This is a joke in comparison but I still have to do it and I like weed way more than opiates. It's not worth losing my appetite over though, or waking up with cravings at 6am to smoke weed I don't need to at all.

Really just a matter of dealing with stress and adapting to accomplishing the things the drug helped with but without the drug. Like opiates and depression / chronic pain. Still don't have the depression part figured out but I feel like I can handle the pain. It's bad but I got this with hot yoga. It is the best studio / community I have ever seen in yoga. Really amazing atmosphere. Once I can eat food again and that withdrawal symptom goes into remission after about a week, I will be so damn happy just to be able to cook a pasta and eat it without vomiting 20 minutes later. Don't care about insomnia so much I'm used to it but I need to be able to eat food and that's like the only reason I want to smoke weed anymore. Nausea and indigestion that can be very distracting. It goes away when I quit, so why not just skip the taper and see if I can make it a few days. I have to take exercise off and relax because even if I physically exhaust myself, I still can't eat. The cannabinoid receptors all over my nervous system, not just the brain, these get downregulated from overstimulation and this is the science behind why some people who smoke insane amounts of pot get this side effect.

I'm not depressed or anxious, I'm feeling angry because I should be feeling angry. My mood is stable. I slept with a sedative other than a benzo last night, without weed or waking up 4 hours into my sleep on the reg for a bong rip and pass out (yeah... it really has gotten that bad... I don't smoke tobacco either...). Thing is I have access to MMJ finally and I don't even want it. I know there are capsules and stuff like that but this is just going to make it easier for me to be high at work when I get a job and this is unacceptable to me. To put it simply, I get creative when I smoke weed and it's great recreationally and for stuff like jamming guitar and this is definitely therapeutic. But it is addictive and comes with drug cravings specifically for the high, not just for the relief of indigestion and stuff. This is why I consider myself addicted to it. It's not even the withdrawal I'm sure I can fight through that like I did with opiates. It's the fiending. I literally cannot stop smoking weed until it is gone once I get ahold of some. I have already spent a couple hundred dollars on weed this week alone. It's insane and it cannot go on any longer and I am having constant cravings today there is no sickness on my mind. There is weed on my mind I want a fucking hit so I'm just trying to distract myself from weed weed weed. It's all I can think about a bong rip of a stupid fuckin plant that might help lots of people but definitely NOT the majority of people who have habitual tendencies and also who start young.

I've been reading studies on cannabis withdrawal pretty much all morning. There is so much information out there now that I needed several years ago. Withdrawal to the different side effects occurs at different rates because the different metabolites of cannabis have various half lives. For example, if I waited a full 24 hours to get stoned (I haven't made it this far yet) - I will get extremely high and possibly euphoric depending on my mental state. Really stoned though - even too stoned - but the medical effects are not there because there is more of a tolerance to them. So I won't get hunger even when I smoke anymore unless I smoke all day. I just get really high, experience memory loss, and sort of resent that I even smoked to begin with as I may have been reading a book incessantly and then just stop and begin thinking too much about stupid shit I don't need to be thinking about.

This is infuriating me I didn't quit opiates to become a drugged out burnout pothead. It's the same shit with less immediate risk. I still feel like a fucking junkie it's just like 1% as bad as before. The benzos are a lost cause for now I am just keeping track of them until they are the only drug I use. Wish I didn't have to quit the pot but it has completely fucked my life up in so many ways throughout my 20's that it is no longer justifiable in any way whatsoever no matter how many studies come out showing it is safe. I know that it is not safe for me because I become suicidal at times while withdrawing from it which is a very obvious rebound effect to me, having extreme panic attacks and get impulsive for a while.

I am trying to drill this into my head that i NEED to stop smoking pot because as soon as I take that one bong toke I will be scheming for change and spending my day driving to the dispensary and back and getting stoned and feeling like a fucking loser. It has to stop and if I quit today, that means I will have quit on 420 as I didn't blaze past midnight last night. Which is a pretty good date to quit I'd say. I'm also turning 30 soon I don't want to have a 15 years drug habit that I've made no progress on lately and has very clearly been fucking with me on a daily basis in many respects that are of great importance to me. In exchange for what? A weed that doesn't even do anything for my back pain and makes my mood swings uncontrollable and completely over the top?

I even agree with my mom on this one. Weed has never done me good and it's time to admit that once and for all. Smoking it, especially at a younger age has directly caused me harm. So now, it is time to stop hurting myself with it. I've been coughing up black tar as well, my throat is sore and my lungs feel like they are mildly being cooked (if I haven't smoked in at least 4 - 6 hours this happens). Last time I quit I was coughing up that tar for 6 months. I need to stop and I am well aware of my mental health issues and have smoked pot both before and after and also quit cold turkey both before and after the trigger. This is withdrawal. I'm pretty sure I can recognize withdrawal symptoms and then go and identify them, realizing that countless others are going through the exact same thing with little old fucking weed.

My first panic attacks were all after bong tokes and they were extreme. Regardless of why that is so, why the fuck would I continue smoking it? Like my doctor said her only concern is that they really have no idea what the long term effects of very high THC exposure are. Also, my panic disorder was triggered after a year of hardcore hash oil dabbing, essentially I was getting the most weed and shatter into my body as possible 24/7 for a year and then I snapped. Panic attack after panic attack every time I smoked or dabbed oil and these were no joke. Forced me into quitting and then came the sober panic attacks a little while later. The attacks have led me to ER several times, where I finally got scripted benzos.

She is more concerned about the level of my THC intake than the amount of weed I smoke. I still have it prescribed but that doesn't mean I need to be involved with it. I can just tell her it didn't work, was too addictive to me like that's the honest truth. If I could control it that would be great, but I can't and I will never be able to.

I am just hoping that I calm down soon. That I can eat some food again I absolutely hate this. I worked out hardest yet this week and these are my days off and I'm not eating.
 
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Start of day 12 off oxy. It REALLY sucks.
Physical wd symptoms seem to be gone completely. Have some anxiety and depression. The suck part is that now I can really feel nerve pain in my hips, legs, and feet. I have family obligations this weekend that I could go to if I took my pills. Instead I get to feel guilty for flaking.
If I had a gun I would probably use it. I feel like shit!
 
Yo dude think of how long you were on the oxy. Man, nobody could feel normal after 12 days. I was suicidal still after 12 days it took 3 to 4 weeks before I noticed like, anything stable at all. I am finding it harder 15 weeks off than on day 12 in many ways.

The pain came back severely for me, but temporarily. I didn't notice pain the first couple weeks, I mean my actual back pain as I was in too much other pain. I think it's because you can't take care of yourself for the 12 days man or like sleep properly, once you stop feeling so much physical stuff it stops being a distraction and the pain hits harder than ever. It's also probably an attempt of the drug to keep you enslaved to it, as there is addiction going on as well as dependency. Since I got into hot yoga I'm fit as hell and someway, somehow my chronic pain has dropped I'd seriously say like 50% in less than 4 months. I weigh 10 pounds more but my legs are like chicken legs I don't get it but yeah... the work I put into that has been really dedicated.

Take a hit man you might not even know your tolerance, it will skyrocket back to normal and your 12 days will end up being pretty useless. There is never going to be a time where you won't have responsibilities man there is never a good time to quit. Flake if you have to, some excuse anything man don't use. There is nothing worse than being addicted like that.

Day 12 man, re-evaluate where you are at after 1 month and then maybe 3 months 6 and a year then 2 years. If you think you can recover that fast then I would like to know how as it is going to take me years, I will never truly 'recover' and I accept that. I will get back to a comfortable life though I hope.

My best friend is my age and his health is really not good right now been talking to him most of the day. He has a very healthy lifestyle apart from being an equally hardcore stoner up until quitting recently. Inspired me to quit too. It's fuckin tough that guy is a true fighter strong and quick, doesn't look big but will throw people twice his size to the floor. And still had a lot of trouble quitting pot. I guess it is because we were smoking pounds of the stuff since September. Can't imagine not having that buddy in my life, will never meet anyone even remotely like that guy and we are friends for life 100% and he never complains very tough. I am really worried about this great guy, great family all he does is blaze such a funny dude and like, random health problem I'm completely distraught. Makes me realize what a special friend he is.
 
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Thanks for the advice Shroomi. I chose not to take my pills. I am flaking on my responsibilities and I feel pretty crappy about that.
 
Shouldn't feel crappy about flaking dude. Also good choice man and a challenging one. I had to flake countless times on people - my family, my brother, friends, some of my favourite bands playing live, so many workouts and meals and bills I should have been paying ignored for the pills. Just make sure to tell them it's because of pain or not feeling well they'll get it. I knew about a doctor who got hooked and he was busy shooting up while his wife was in labour. Take it easy man this should be a priority you've made it damn far.

K this is when I always start doubting myself. You are at day 12 probably been through hell, don't feel right yet. Man just wait it out for a bit you'll be pleasantly surprised at how fast things pick up if you take care of yourself as best you can at the time.

Imagine how good you would feel, if you did not have to flake on your responsibilities and also not take the pills. And found a way to treat your chronic pain or manage it. This is my dream, I am still stuck on the benzos and I didn't smoke weed for 24 hours just now and my appetite was completely shot. I have been working so hard this week and yesterday and today my days to chill, I should have been staring as usual. I have barely eaten a thing. About 3 minutes after a very tiny bong rip just now I noticed a voracious appetite. I feasted used all my fancy Italian parmesan and eggplant and a lot of noodles, just made a mountain of pasta and I'm hungry even still. I need to keep feasting this isn't helping me recover.

I definitely feel like a dumbass for getting this addicted to weed but I guess that's what happens when you smoke it pretty much all day every day for 15 years. I'm encountering a surprising number of symptoms and they are being compounded by opiate paws I gotta keep positive right now. I am being tested. Getting off her (the weed, as we say) is never easy. Never. And this year has not been easy for me in any way at all.

You always used to say one step at a time man and it makes sense to start with small steps. Well, first I took a giant leap and kicked oxy's because I was actually going to die no exaggeration. I worried the fuck out of a lot of people except for myself, and I consider myself having overdosed twice in December. I mean... I blacked out for like 12 hours nodding was found not even responsive, shallow breathing like a step away from the hospital.

So after that the opiates are done. I can't be waking up in hell not even knowing I just overdosed and died. Now, it is time to take care of a simpler issue which was helping me while I was getting clean. It is simply to smoke less weed until I am no longer dependent on it to eat or sleep. I don't have to quit but if I don't cut back I mean dude I can't even eat food if I don't smoke the stuff. And for several days. When I went cold turkey I was skinnier after a month than I was quitting opiates. It's insane 15 years ago there was absolutely no talk about weed addiction and now there are studies everywhere about tolerance effects and withdrawal. There was no information, it only recently became acknowledged as a medical issue.

All I need is my good buddy though, the dude I smoked all these pounds with. He has already quit (we really fucked ourselves up, you see... it was cannon after cannon for like 8 months). 100 packs of rolling papers were a regular expense. So he is giving me advice because I can't do this cold turkey. I had to do opiates cold turkey but honestly I can't with weed. I've done it before and seriously never the fuck again. My friend and I are taking the middle ground with herb to quit, gradually cutting back over months and he's done now. The way I taper is not even conscious really, I just sense when I should have some or it will become too much and I will smoke heavily.

Like this is obviously a huge problem I need to deal with asap. Then I will only be on benzos and smoking weed not all the time but in large amounts when I do, and be more in touch with myself. Fuck it's really been a struggle for me lately too I am not taking extra benzos or anything. The lack of appetite and insomnia are really wearing me out. It's not from opiates I should be feeling great soon. Just a hiccup in my opiate recovery. I really need to take care of this because it's making me lazy and I'm spending a lot of money on it. Not a good combination at all.

Good luck man if you are at day 12 I would hang in there. Man... just wait until 3 weeks trust. At 3 weeks, every time that is when I begin to notice improvement. 3 weeks to a month and you're already halfway there easily man. Then comes PAWS but there seems to be a period in between when you are overwhelmed with joy just from not being sick anymore. Then comes the reality of life and 'paws' for me that is hell. I am not really established in any way at all, I feel like I don't have a life to go back to and I feel directionless and lost.
 
So this isn't the time for me to be quitting pot, I am just low and broke. I found a large ash-cup from long ago, and large bowls of it burned surprisingly well. I feel a lot better and like painful one helped me realize, I am a lot more stable when I have good supplies of the two drugs I am hooked on. My mind races like crazy without weed and I never get anything done. I wanted to cut back, and I am. I'd like weed to be an end of the day thing like it has been at times in the past. Get really lit but only in the evening, just before sunset, and then get on with life in the morning. This is good stress relief for a doper like me.

I'm not gonna quit when it makes me this chill in comparison.

Squeaky bro I am really proud of you. Seriously man 12 days is huge. You got through the hardest part - the week of hell. Now you are at the starting line to begin a new life, waiting for the whistle to blow so you can get ahead. Man you need to give it time. I also had to be told this by a friend. It had been a month and my friend is an addiction specialist, he was my buddy growing up who was hooked on coke and did a lot of Mdma, and we partied a lot together. You never would have known he had a problem. Maybe seemed like he was on a cup of coffee or something, just upbeat and friendly. Then one day he disappeared went to rehab and I haven't seen him since. It was right after we took 10 strips of acid at a rave. He said to give it time when I was sort of complaining I even still was waking up with aching upper arms and restless legs some days after a month. Even still my energy levels are nowhere near where I want them to be (coffee, espresso please), but I am fit again and that makes me happy. The yoga studio I found has really done a lot for me this year. It is a little community and I have a strong presence there lol.

I don't even know who I was before I smoked that bowl of ash and now I am ruminating over how those foxy ladies will take to the more grungy layered platinum of a blondie but my haircut is sick. Yeah I've been feeling like shit and also my hair was a mess so that always cheers me up. Gotta make sure to get some more pot tomorrow so I can make it to yoga and damn it's a little earlier than usual. Gonna have to hustle tomorrow. But yeah I should really be focussed on exclusively getting through opiate paws right now as I am definitely experiencing it in full. I feel so out of it and dreamy and like dissociated all the time I dunno I'm just not myself anymore.
 
I'm tired of feeling this way and I see no real way out. Either way I hate my life and feel trapped in this fucking recurring nightmare.
 
I feel like I could throw my body into the mirror and carve my stupid dumbass fuckin name into both arms and mutilate my god damned hideous face before I watch blood drip the fuck out of my eyes and pass out never to wake up.

I need my god damned fix I have 6 hours for it. I just mean weed, it will make me stop wanting to pick a fist fight and screaming at myself late into the night. I will also be able to eat food again and sleep, for one day and then back to the hustle. Talking myself down. I am supposed to do stuff today and I can't sleep because I can't afford a gram of a fucking weed.

It's over. I've suffered the fuck enough and I'm going to snap at myself. I swear the fuck to god I could pick up a razor blade and slash down my arm and not even care. I need some fuckin heroin first though so it's time to sell some more possessions. I'm nearing the end and it sucks for it to end this way. It really does, but I guess count my blessings. There was a time in my life when I wasn't addicted to drugs and didn't have these thoughts. I'm already dead it's just a matter of a very brief period of time.
 
Shroomi dont let your THC levels get so low. Treat it just like heroin. Make sure you have enough to get through a good night sleep, plus a little to start the day. You can do your withdrawls during the day, when the sun is out and you can go walking to clear your mind.
Insomnia would drive anybody to insanity.
 
I need to smoke weed all day every day and get the money to do so. I am train wrecked without it and a hysteric. I hate being psychotic like that and it doesn't go away because I'm clinically insane. It gets worse, the less weed I smoke. I am more stable on it.

3 yoga workouts really intense ones in 24 hours so I'm still recovering from that. I have started networking a bit and I made a new friend today. She asked me for my name after our chat and I probably actually easily could have got her number. I'm just a dumbass maybe I'll see her again though. I can't keep track of their names anymore yet I'm still just a fucking deadbeat junkie loner. It's just a tease really.

Nothing is working but I think as I get more and more fit then I will be able to cope better. I am in really good shape right now but I am only going to keep improving since I am dedicated now. I need a job for petty soft drug money have a couple leads through networking with people I've met. I'm still suicidal though and might be gone tomorrow.
 
Squeaky said:
Mystyrious- I dont know what ten cents means, but would it be possible to wean yourself slowly to zero? Perhaps a basic trick - add a little extra water to your mixture, but only inject the same amount as normal and discard the rest. Stabilize at that level and start adding a little more water. Inject the normal amount and discard the rest.
Keep doing that until you are mixing in a gallon of water. Shake well. Take only what you need to fill one syringe and flush the rest. At some point you will have undone some of the damage, you will be taking next to nothing, and you will have more success at jumping off.
Look up ?The Ashton Method?. It was designed for benzos, but a modified version could be your solution.
Click to expand...

Oh thank.you so much Sweety, but I've tried that. I'm already doing such a low amount, not even 1/4" on a syringe. I can handle the physical withdrawals. Its the damaged dopamine and serotonin receptors that are the bitch! That takes months-years to repair! I don't have that long haha ive got goals! For the first time in my life after only having abusive relationships I DONT NEED A MAN!! WOOT WOOT! (wasn't yelling just excitedly proud of myself) Pat myself on the back! And I'm not even lonely! This is a HUGE accomplishment for me because it took 48 years to get to that point! Now just one more crutch to remove! Was hoping someone had a simple solution like Velvet Bean or something natural that kept the dopamine and serotonin up!
 
Okay. I am more calm. I'm alright. Sorry for freaking guys. I guess that is what this place is here for huh? To get stuff out and try to help one another through this horrible shit! I'm so sorry we are all suffering so badly!

Yeah I have some good lawyers this time Squeaky. They better get the job done for me. I simply cannot work. I do amazing to even appear as a normal person and to take care of the house, cooking, general chores. I am out of savings though and I need some money. I feel like a prisoner. I at least need to have some money so I can live a bit.

I didn't choose this shit, it chose me. I was having a great life until WHAM hit from behind on the freeway. That is one thing that makes it so hard not to be angry but I don't like the feeling of anger at all so I'm not choosing that! It is just so hard to keep it together sometimes.

Good work Squeaky! I hope you can manage to do without and your pain does not drive you back. You are giving it a great try and I'm rooting for you!

ShroomySatori, hang in there. Keep the weed and benzo's stable. I'm glad you remembered me saying that to you. We are going for stability here. Managing the health problems we have but not going totally overboard on the medications used to manage things with. That is quite the weed habit you have going there so just slowly, slowly, cut it. I don't see anything else you can safely do as you become harmful to yourself if you don't have the amount needed of both the weed and the benzo's. It is alright and not really your fault, you go through so much with your mental health issues and massive anxiety. I think you are doing the best you can and that is really all we can do.

Strive to lower medication/ drug levels slowly and give your dopamine/serotonin levels time to adjust. That takes a lot of time so just remember this is a marathon not a race and go slowly at reducing amounts and letting the brain heal.
 
I just logged in to say I am depressed out of my fuckin mind and then saw your message. That weed isn't anywhere near enough, I used to smoke a half ounce a day at least. From September until I started mentioning weed here this year as I was addicted and it wasn't harvest season anymore. So I've already cut back a lot it's a money thing though, wish I could smoke way more the more the better really.

Just bored. I liked the girl I randomly met today I'll see her again sometime. I can't see myself getting out of this. It's gonna take a damn miracle. I didn't have weed all weekend and it ruined my weekend. I got a little more and my tolerance dropped so I had awn okay lazy day today. Im just fucking depressed I want a girl to chill with some friends to smoke dope with so I can pitch on blunts I'm sick of lonely bong rips I'm even a lonely doper. Woulda loved having a fellow opiate companion back in the day but my use was such a damn secret. Not even my girl knew. I figured she knew, it's like the dope hid itself by nature. When. Why is this hippie burnout fuck going to change.
 
Mistyrious- no chance you could get prescribed something to help bridge the gap? Im not suggesting you tell your Dr about your habit. Maybe research what pills might work(like Prozac) and then go tell your Dr something else is wrong with you to get the pills.
Even if you spend the rest of your life on an anti-depressant, anything legal would be better than living with an IV drug dependency.
 
I got stuck in traffic today. The long car ride was more than my bones could take. When I got home I was starving but I couldnt sit up in a chair to eat. All I could was lie in bed in tears. I could have lived through it, but I made a concious decision to take an oxy.
I broke my streak. Im really not happy about it, but I was in a lot of pain for more than an hour. And I couldn?t get relief in any position, even laying down.
I?m a little nauseous right now (3 hours later) probably because my tolerance is low. I am still committed to quitting. But I feel happy to have had the option for pain relief. My experience today hopefully has taught me a little more about a healthier way to use my medications. But Im not ready to pat myself on the back just yet. I know I still have a long way to go.
 
Something is changing within. I haven't been happy in a long time. Ever since the winter holidays it hasn't been good. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I see no point in suffering a long life. I guess that's why I can't moderate well. Escaping the reality of the present moment as it gives me extreme anxiety for good reason, It's also Itthe same damned feeling I felt in my early 20's chronic fucking loneliness. It is a more subtle physical discomfort than chronic pain but it is always present. To the point that I wake up at 2am and within a few minutes I am lonely. Why can't I ever wake up to a cute girl sleeping in some odd contorted position I am stuck in. That was all last summer and I was in severe H withdrawals, but I was happy because she cared a hell of a lot about me. I burned the love letters which kind of sucks I mean they were genuine and the only ones I ever got in her script like that. It would be nice to read right now even tho I'll never see her again.
I'm so depressed I can't keep my damn eyes open half the time. I'm starting to block the world out again instead of being more receptive to it. I stopped doing stuff I enjoy like reading. I guess the process is so slow that I seem to get stuck in these depressed states but this one has been going on for a while. Or I've already recovered which is very possible considering the other drug problems confusing me, and also I was this way for many years when I was first starting out with drugs. I was not this way for several years when I started using benzos and opiates. Now I feel the same with the addition of addiction. It's so bad I am nervous for myself. I can't stand it anymore. I ruminate over this every damn day. I don't really have drug cravings I'd like to have more of a real relationship with the other sex and the self harm with drugs because what the fuck is the point I can't even get a kiss. I have been dwelling on this for so long now that I'm not even getting my benzos this week. I want it to be over soon. I will leave a nice dead body, I am starting to look bigger and all these things that don't matter because I don't have the money for my fix and I wish I wad dead.
Wish I could be human.I honestly just wish one of these girls would like me that way. It is ony my mind all the time, dreaming of a chill girl getting caught up with her and having a fun summer vs. this shit.
I haven't been like this in so long I thought I was over it but there comes a point when the feeling overwhelms every minute of every day with an awful kind of misery to experience and it affects absolutely everything I do in a negative way. I can't really go a year without at least making out with a girl when I'm 30. That makes me feels at this very moment like picking up a pair of scissors and slashing myself at how fucking stupid I have been. So I just experienced extreme anger and I am going to go rip a bong toke. The toke has to be heavy enough for me to nearly choke so that I am depriving myself of oxygen more but occasionally I will cough and it hurts my spine a lot. I won't vaporize though because I'm a bong ripper if I'm gonna get a hit I may as well hurt myself more I enjoy it. Although dabbing oil is great I can't afford it.
I wonder what's next seriously! It's the mystery of life, probably the greatest mystery of all apart from how it originates. How consciousness is extinguished and what happens next. I've already been through it since beginningless time so I'm sure something like this has happened before. I am curious if there is judgement because I feel like I have already punished myself more than enough for the error of my ways.

When I got clean off Heroin I was showing up to chill with that girl every night she wanted me over which was right after work really or I'd already be there. The withdrawals were hell before I met her but I was getting through them. She was cute, shy, a library girl such an intellectuals bookshelf. Very creative I liked her so much. Of course I noticed the withdrawals and she occasionally would too but we with said our years had been shit until we met and summer was really fun I recall fondly going hiking with her, chillin out in peaceful obscure cemeteries, she liked occult stuff, little morbid I guess but I liked it. and her lovely room and getting high by the candlelight. I like being alone too it's great that is always a lot of responsibility and some drama and never seems to end very well but it's so worth every moment. But I feel that I should not be going years without dating at this age or anything at all. Really, it's fucking insane and I am so angry I just want to destroy myself. I get so angry now my breathing changes I pace back and forth I want to scream it is all about this in my mind, When I can't take it anymore I end up putting my fist through a cupboard here or some stupid shit and taking myself out for a few days.

Then after 3 months she moved home. At least it happened. Just wish I had the letter still it used to cheer me up. Was an impulse to burn it but way she goes. I am too sad to sleep after a long time this really starts to torment me. Like what the fuck is wrong with me compared to all these stupid fucks I get angry I want to fight. I want to pick fights and be a fucking prick to men until I stomp them to the fucking curb. I want to beat the shit out of anyone walking to the sidewalk holding hands with a girl. I want to scream every damn day and I do. I beat the shit out of random stuff my fists are fucked it's not helping the yoga. I can't take it anymore and of course of Im not good enough for love all this bullshit how about constant rejection is fucking hard to deal with and a total lack of confidence. If I was smart and I truly mean this I would go tie up a noose, Take every damn benzo I have with some wine and fucking end it. If I was smart. I'm not.

As if I can't sleep at night again.
 
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