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Recovery Need help kicking Heroin while I have it easy

Hey thanks for the encouragement guys :) My struggle with addiction has always been more of a mental one. It's how I'm probably still breathing after 9 years on and off the horse (and upon reflection a lot of luck using in that fashion.).

I'm not much of a day counter it turns out, but, this is longest I've gone without using without physically relocating myself to another country for at least 3 years. Also 2 weeks off weed today, which is actually where most my battles are these days considering I know at least 3 dealers for that within walking distance from my house.
 
Bro, I'm fucking super proud of you? Slaying the dragon... Now saw that fuckers arms off!

I'm on day 13 with only about 1.5 hours sleep. I might have to go to the hospital if I don't sleep soon. I'm getting a little worried.

Congrats on your wife returning.
 
Hey, man... sorry, I got behind on your thread. Congrats!!! You're doing awesome.
 
kickitnow, your doing great bro trust me im on day 50 and im not looking back no fucking way!!


Sixxam i struggled bad like you first couple weeks and still struggle with fucking insomnia. I researched my ass off on it i bought all the over the counter bullshit melatonin, etc it all did nothing. I do get some sleep on xans couple hours lyrica has actually gave me more sleep. I notice the only way to get to sleep is to totally exaust myself with exercise walking whatever i use bluetooth headphones when i workout and walk. You need distractions like that it keeps you from a million thoughts going thru your head. I have fell asleep with them on my head and my wife would take them off me. I try to alternate between lyrica and xans lyrica doesnt scare me its xans i dont wanna do everyday even tho i never had a benzo problem i use to do them all the time. It will start to get better little at a time im on day 50 most nites i get 3 to 4 hours sleep now i even had 2 weird nites where i slept 8 hours.
 
Sixxam said:
Bro, I'm fucking super proud of you? Slaying the dragon... Now saw that fuckers arms off!

I'm on day 13 with only about 1.5 hours sleep. I might have to go to the hospital if I don't sleep soon. I'm getting a little worried.

Congrats on your wife returning.
Click to expand...

Hahaha fuck yeah man. Gonna mount the bastard's head on my wall and hang my coat on it's horns.

Hey man if you think you need to go to hospital do it. Just let em know what you're trying to achieve and beg them not to give you opiates. They have other ways to knock you out. I was talking about this the other day with my doctor - I'm on naltrexone and we were discussing what I should do if I get into an emergency situation given that most pain meds wont work.

Last Dose up the irons brother!! I miss one of my old using buddies who got me into Iron Maiden, but I had to cut him out of my life. The guy literally wears nothing but iron maiden t-shirts. Awesome to hear your doing so well.

Insomnia sucks. I'm still carpet bombing myself with benzos at night so I can get at least some sleep. I was really anxious about a benzo addiction but I'm told it's early days and not to worry. I gotta work so I can keep a roof over my head so what other choice is there? As long as I'm not abusing them for a high it's okay for now.. I would kill for a full nights sleep but it's too much to expect.

Sim, nothing to apoligise for. I owe you a lot for your advice on naltrexone, and the games our minds can play with it. Your experiences with it gave me a lot of insight. You know I was lucky to be prescibed it in the first place. They've stopped giving it out for opis here as too many people would stop taking it and OD thanks to lowered tolerance. It's really only an tool for people like us that are 100% committed to recovery.
 
Hell yes, name that little bastard to!

Sleep is slowly coming, thank God, even an hour here and there is good for now.

Hope you're doing well brother!
 
kickitnow said:
Hahaha fuck yeah man. Gonna mount the bastard's head on my wall and hang my coat on it's horns.

Hey man if you think you need to go to hospital do it. Just let em know what you're trying to achieve and beg them not to give you opiates. They have other ways to knock you out. I was talking about this the other day with my doctor - I'm on naltrexone and we were discussing what I should do if I get into an emergency situation given that most pain meds wont work.

Last Dose up the irons brother!! I miss one of my old using buddies who got me into Iron Maiden, but I had to cut him out of my life. The guy literally wears nothing but iron maiden t-shirts. Awesome to hear your doing so well.

Insomnia sucks. I'm still carpet bombing myself with benzos at night so I can get at least some sleep. I was really anxious about a benzo addiction but I'm told it's early days and not to worry. I gotta work so I can keep a roof over my head so what other choice is there? As long as I'm not abusing them for a high it's okay for now.. I would kill for a full nights sleep but it's too much to expect.

Sim, nothing to apoligise for. I owe you a lot for your advice on naltrexone, and the games our minds can play with it. Your experiences with it gave me a lot of insight. You know I was lucky to be prescibed it in the first place. They've stopped giving it out for opis here as too many people would stop taking it and OD thanks to lowered tolerance. It's really only an tool for people like us that are 100% committed to recovery.
Click to expand...



I feel ya bro with the insomnia shit im 52 days since wds and still struggling with sleep after 20 years on ops everyday i use to sleep 6 hours every night like clockwork never had a sleeping problem on ops. Im bombing lyrica and xans and weed for sleep. I never had a benzo problem a couple years back a work buddy of mine use to give me all the xans i wanted so i was doing them for 3 or 4 months almost everyday and i stopped with no problems but everybody is different.
 
Ahh last dose actually came here to post about this. I'm almost at 30 days and the sleep just isn't comming still. Good to know it's not abnormal at least. I'm also quitting weed, so I have no idea what the cause of my insomnia actually is. Given the resurgent GI issues and bone aches I guess it's PAWS?

I'm definitely through the honeymoon period. I miss that pink cloud. Everyday is a battle to pop my naltrexone in the morning but all it takes is 30 seconds of strength after breakfast. I've took a break from it on tuesday so I could have a bit of a boozy lunch with an old mate. Felt weird for days after.

Also smoked a bit of a joint a week ago and absolutely hated the feeling. I'm struggling to stay positive and finding it hard to deal with anger. I'm normally the nicest guy in a room but lately I'm just down or pissed off. I don't really crave heroin but I do crave an escape from these emotions --- but there's no escaping them, it's a part of life. I just need to find my big boy pants and learn to deal with them like most people.
 
Well, your chaotic mood right now is only to be expected really. After using substances to regulate how we feel for so long, it takes a lot of practice and effort, and a bit of time on top of that, to learn (and in some cases relearn) healthier ways of regulating our moods. We accomplish this in working with other human beings, by working in teams where we each find we're able to attune to well enough to one another's needs in order to dependent upon one another reliably to co-regulate our mood together (each individual seems able to attune to only certain other individuals, given distinct personality types, hence it is a practice of trial and error at first).

If people aren't available or to activating to work with, we can always begin by regulating our difficult feelings by relying on healthier activities: something like our hobbies, nature, reading, music, exercise, yoga, meditation, etc. Other (healthy, reliable) people tend to be the best way to regulate the mood, though healthy activities are also a great mood regulation tool because we each have our own lives and responsibilities, and for many of us live people are not always available to co-regulate with.

It's funny how trying to roll up one's sleeves and just push on through when it comes to difficult emotions, while it may work out fine sometimes, is ultimately far less effective a strategy managing them (it would be a strategy of avoidance, which ultimately fails because difficult emotions will always come up in one way shape or form, and we cannot simply ignore them) than turning toward the darkness of such feelings and "leaning in," so to speak, until you get a real taste how to work on beginning to substantively address with their causes and conditions so as not to have to continue going on dealing blindly with difficult emotion.
 
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kickitnow said:
Ahh last dose actually came here to post about this. I'm almost at 30 days and the sleep just isn't comming still. Good to know it's not abnormal at least. I'm also quitting weed, so I have no idea what the cause of my insomnia actually is. Given the resurgent GI issues and bone aches I guess it's PAWS?

I'm definitely through the honeymoon period. I miss that pink cloud. Everyday is a battle to pop my naltrexone in the morning but all it takes is 30 seconds of strength after breakfast. I've took a break from it on tuesday so I could have a bit of a boozy lunch with an old mate. Felt weird for days after.

Also smoked a bit of a joint a week ago and absolutely hated the feeling. I'm struggling to stay positive and finding it hard to deal with anger. I'm normally the nicest guy in a room but lately I'm just down or pissed off. I don't really crave heroin but I do crave an escape from these emotions --- but there's no escaping them, it's a part of life. I just need to find my big boy pants and learn to deal with them like most people.
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Man, some of those WD symptoms can really linger. It sucks, but they will eventually go away. And as TPD said, having volatile moods is totally normal in early recovery. Personally, I find I'm like a jack-in-the-box...all tensed up and exploding (maybe sad, maybe pissed) more or less at random intervals.

I don't know if your experience is like mine, but I'm finding that as the novelty of kicking fades--as I get a little farther into recovery--the emotional/psychological game just gets harder and harder. But we've got this. Keep up the awesome work!
 
Kickitnow, bro I'm right there with ya. I feel like I need a cheat break... But I know that's just the addiction talking.

Tpd, wise words, my friends.. As always!
 
I ended up turning back to weed to manage my stuff-for the time being. I'm cognizant or how it can lead back to old ways of thinking but I think trying to tackle weed and heroin at the same time was just too much. With the naltrexone, the schemes can only go so far before I just pop another pill to spite the thoughts. I'm going overseas again soon, so I will quit before I go so my lovely wife can see me sober. I'll hopefully be bringing her back to live with me, so I wont be going through all this alone anymore - aside from you fantastic people and a couple doctors. Love is the only drug I need from here on out. And caffeine.




simco said:
Man, some of those WD symptoms can really linger. It sucks, but they will eventually go away. And as TPD said, having volatile moods is totally normal in early recovery. Personally, I find I'm like a jack-in-the-box...all tensed up and exploding (maybe sad, maybe pissed) more or less at random intervals.


I don't know if your experience is like mine, but I'm finding that as the novelty of kicking fades--as I get a little farther into recovery--the emotional/psychological game just gets harder and harder. But we've got this. Keep up the awesome work!
Click to expand...


Yes this pretty much describes it. For me there's usually an inciting incident which just snowballs. I start making mountains out of molehills etc. I remember being at 3 months early last year and just got hit by the biggest fucking craving that lead me right back to scoring the minute I landed on home soil a month later. The benefit of relapses is we learn the warning signs at least so it's easier to call bullshit on the idealization. But yeah, miss the novelty - I was so damn motivated.




toothpastedog said:
Well, your chaotic mood right now is only to be expected really. After using substances to regulate how we feel for so long, it takes a lot of practice and effort, and a bit of time on top of that, to learn (and in some cases relearn) healthier ways of regulating our moods. We accomplish this in working with other human beings, by working in teams where we each find we're able to attune to well enough to one another's needs in order to dependent upon one another reliably to co-regulate our mood together (each individual seems able to attune to only certain other individuals, given distinct personality types, hence it is a practice of trial and error at first).


If people aren't available or to activating to work with, we can always begin by regulating our difficult feelings by relying on healthier activities: something like our hobbies, nature, reading, music, exercise, yoga, meditation, etc. Other (healthy, reliable) people tend to be the best way to regulate the mood, though healthy activities are also a great mood regulation tool because we each have our own lives and responsibilities, and for many of us live people are not always available to co-regulate with.


It's funny how trying to roll up one's sleeves and just push on through when it comes to difficult emotions, while it may work out fine sometimes, is ultimately far less effective a strategy managing them (it would be a strategy of avoidance, which ultimately fails because difficult emotions will always come up in one way shape or form, and we cannot simply ignore them) than turning toward the darkness of such feelings and "leaning in," so to speak, until you get a real taste how to work on beginning to substantively address with their causes and conditions so as not to have to continue going on dealing blindly with difficult emotion.
Click to expand...


TPD, I read this earlier but wasn't ready to read the hard truths you laid out. I just wish I could learn how to sit with the stuff that comes up. I've gone back to using weed temporarily to give some relief after work, but I don't want to forget the super important task of learning to deal with this stuff. I will have my wife living with me soon, so I will be a whole person again. She's really what keeps me going and it will be great to have someone in the real world for a bit of co-regulation amongst other things! I'm already motivated by doing right by her (finally) this will only reinforce my quest to become the best version of me.




Sixxam said:
Kickitnow, bro I'm right there with ya. I feel like I need a cheat break... But I know that's just the addiction talking.


Tpd, wise words, my friends.. As always!
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What stops me is the idea of the opiate reward pathways in my brain firing up again. I want them to wither on the vine man, and if I use again this will juice those sickly grapes up again.


Sorry for not getting back to everyone sooner. I've been a little embarassed by my use of the pot, but it's nice to be able to relax. It's something I want to quit but I want to put more space between me and heroin before I try again. Maybe I'll get another little pink cloud for a few weeks when I quit pot! Look forward to the clarity.
 
Man, I wouldn't beat yourself up over the weed. If it's helping keep you off the ops, then puff on.. I know we're all different but I compare that to like drinking a coffee to get off meth.. But to each their own.

Love!!! No shit, that is the best medicine to beat this addiction. When I met my current queen, that pushed me to cold turkey off my oxy habit. And I stayed clean over a year. Until of course pills landed in my lap. But the natural high we get while in love/lust is some next level shit!

Thinking of you lots brother.

Sixx
 
The way I see it, weed is only a real problem if the process of obtaining it brings you around heroin.
 
I totally had the same thought you described...maybe I can find myself another pink cloud! So far, no dice, but it's nice to think about.

BTW, that's awesome that your wife will be joining you. If you don't mind my asking, do you see her as part of your support network?
 
Wow.. thanks for the love everyone. Sorry I didn't read this all sooner. My house in upheaval at the moment - moved all my furniture into the centre of each room as I'm getting it painted in preparation for the wife getting here. after that's done I have to play tetris again to make room for new carpet.

So I haven't been able to get to the computer much! But things are good. I'm on day 39-40?

Sim in answer to your question, she is to a degree - She doesn't understand heroin addiction It's not something that exists in her country. So while she knows about my struggle with it, the only time she's met me in person is when I'm sober. She knows I can quit because she's seen it first hand. Sometimes I think she feels I'm being soft by not just quitting. But hey, the way things are going it's a great incentive to move forward with her only getting the 100% sober me.
 
went on a 3 week bender. kicked for 18 days.. then 2 months straight back on the horse.

just hit 72 hour mark free of the shit but fuck me i cant stay clean for the life of me.
 
You have the rest of your life to worry about the rest of your life ;) keep your head up kickitnow! It's just a matter of time till you figure things out.

Are you aware of any insights you could gain from your experiences with this?
 
kickitnow said:
went on a 3 week bender. kicked for 18 days.. then 2 months straight back on the horse.

just hit 72 hour mark free of the shit but fuck me i cant stay clean for the life of me.
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Welcome back, man! I'm so glad you found your way out of that relapse. And I second TPD's point: that lapse is in the rear view mirror now. Just keep your head down and keep moving forward.

<3
Sim
 
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