Can you believe this....

[DaysNDaze]

Sorry mods, move if I'm in the wrong place, 'm a seasoned opiate addict and my boyfriend is a chronic weed smoker, doesn't do any other drugs, just smokes. I'm the opposite. Love my oxys n percs but don't like weed. Usually I have enough money to support both our habits plus buy all the food we need and whatever else we need to get us through till at least 1 or 2 days before my pay day. In those last couple days when he doesn't have anymore weed, he doesn't even talk to me. Like I said I'm no stranger to being dope sick so I know what it's like to just want to die and still attempt to carry out every day responsibilities, but damn, when he has no weed, he acts like he's really dope sick.

Am I missing something?

I know there's a serious psychological dependence that goes with chronic weed smoking but I guess I just don't see how I'm able to be legit physically sick from opiates yet still get out of bed to make him supper, or run to the store to get smokes or whatever, yet when he's out of weed it's like we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're like room mates. He doesn't talk to me even if I'm nice as pie and try to comfort him. This will go on for a couple days at a time or until I find a way to get him weed.

It's Monday and I get paid Wednesday at midnight and he just smoked his last little bit the silent treatment has already begun.

Maybe I'm not being understanding enough?

 

[DaysNDaze]

It's really hard for me too because I'm in a slight withdrawal state right now (this time I was smart, I tapered myself before I ran out of money, don't know how I had the willpower to do it but I did it) so my sickness is minimal but to have to deal with him like that too, makes me more depressed than I already am and most of all I don't know how to help him because I don't understand why his psychological dependence seems so much worse than mine.

 

[Moreaux]

Does he contribute anything financially, because honestly he sounds like dead weight. He is not dope sick, he is choosing to treat you poorly. He may have a psychological addiction, but he is in control of his emotions. He also knows how he feels when he runs out, and could have exercised some self control and not gone through his stash. Honestly, he sounds very childish. If I were you I would seriously consider why you are with this individual, as it doesn't sound like he respects you. I am truly sorry you have to battle your own addiction and take care of his infantile moodiness. I am not trying to be mean, and I know that I don't have all the info, but there really isn't an excuse for his behavior.

When I used to actively smoke weed I loved it and generally smoked it all day everyday- it's all or nothing with me. When I run out I am bummed, think about it for a while, but accept the fact I'm out. I don't not treat people poorly because I didn't plan my weed consumption accordingly.

I think you can do better Good luck!

 

[Man in the Dark]

^^^^ This. Sounds like he is just along for the ride. The fact that you would get up dope sick and make him supper while he won't eVen talk to you is telling. You sound like a great girlfriend and he is taking you for granted.

 

[DaysNDaze]

Oh I've heard this before I just thought maybe I was missing something with the whole weed thing because he's smoked every day since he was young, I thought maybe it was me minimizing it, deep down I know I'm minimizing the way he treats me.

No he doesn't contribute. He won't even go on social assistance to help me with the bills, got offended when I suggested it. He has severe social anxiety and doesn't leave the house. It's exhausting.

I'm not a bad looking woman either, I don't know why I do this to.myself. I've always been the provider in all my relationships. Never the other way around. I'm tired.

 

[DaysNDaze]

Bluelight is my only contact with the outside world right now. I'm too depressed for real socialization. Not to diss the site or imply that it's a fake way to socialize, but I hide pretty much all the pain in my life from basically everyone because I hate to burden people, so bluelight is definitely an easier way for me to channel my thoughts...

 

[MrRoot]

It is weird how long we can go on when trying to keep relationship going on no matter how deeply both or just the other part of it are being hurt. I am not sure if it is because we are scared of being alone as we have some kind of built in mechanism to be a part of a family?

My ex-wife endured quite a bit for me being an addict but I also endured a lot due other things she did and still a part of me even thinks I become an addict because of how our relationship was. I still find it hard to say that things would be better if we would have broke off earlier because now I have a wonderful daughter who is my light in the darkness and the reason for me to get sober.

I guess you could check if you are in a situation in which you are with that guy just out of habit especially as he seems to take you for granted. Don't let that situation consume you until you find out that you've lost years of your life living a life you haven't actually even liked.

BL is a good start for getting socially active again as you'll find a lot of wonderful persons here especially in The Dark Side and Sober Living.

 

[JessFR]

I understand, I really do. I'm in a fairly similar position. My boyfriend also has social anxiety and agoraphobia and can't leave the house. I understand how that effects your social life. I have done so much for him and sometimes I feel he doesn't appreciate it. I do all the cooking, getting food, organizing appointments, just generally most of the chores. I know what it's like to be as depressed as he is, so I try not to go too hard on him, but I wish things were different.

I still maintain an active social life however without him. I wish I could include him but he's not ready for it.

However, unlike your situation, I cause a lot of my own problems too and am far from innocent in our relationship. That's a big part of why we're able to stay together. While we both have different ideas about exactly what we're doing wrong, we both understand that we've both made serious mistakes and need to try and do better.

It sounds like your guy however refuses to contribute whatsoever. Mine contributes in other ways. And if he's such a drain, he has a lot of nerve treating you poorly. Mine at least still listens when I feel he should treat me better and tries to do better and make amends. At the very least he should be trying, and listening to the issues he's having.

It's up to you, but I wouldn't blame you in the least if you decided to dump him. But I also understand that there may be things about him you fell in love with that you're not mentioning right now, I know love has a way of making us numb to the bad stuff. And I wouldn't blame you if you stayed either. But he needs to know how much this is effecting you.

Wish you luck hun.

 

[Snake_Eyes]

Bluelight is my only contact with the outside world right now. I'm too depressed for real socialization. Not to diss the site or imply that it's a fake way to socialize, but I hide pretty much all the pain in my life from basically everyone because I hate to burden people, so bluelight is definitely an easier way for me to channel my thoughts...

Other than work I'm in a similar place. I don't do facebook, twitter or any other social media and while I bounce around and read different forums bluelight is the only one I post on. I don't know if my issues are from being depressed or just the fact that I hate being around people lol. Either way as long as I have my tv, computer and a fast internet connection I'm generally good.

After years of daily use if I'm not on weed I'm extremely irritable partly because I will not have slept more than an hour or two. My anxiety will be through the roof, far worse than when I came off benzos, Lyrica and take kratom breaks. I will have no appetite and eating anything solid will make me want to throw up. The eating and stomach issues go away after a couple days but the insomnia and anxiety stick around for who knows how long. That's weed withdrawal for me.

 

[InfamousPsychonaut]

Unfortunately it is codependence at its finest. My ex-wife and I battled that for a long time, but then she finally realized she needed to take control of her own life.
No matter how much she loved me, she had to set boundaries and stop manipulating. Its a damaged relationship that we have to work on daily but i do have hope. Just like I have hope for you. BEST OF LUCK!

 

[My3sons]

I'd be done with him. Not even half a man. What a freeloader. Don't be so insecure. Don't you think you deserve better? He should be meeting you halfway with all the bills. Why should he live for free. He isn't your child.

 

[DaysNDaze]

After years of daily use if I'm not on weed I'm extremely irritable partly because I will not have slept more than an hour or two. My anxiety will be through the roof, far worse than when I came off benzos, Lyrica and take kratom breaks. I will have no appetite and eating anything solid will make me want to throw up. The eating and stomach issues go away after a couple days but the insomnia and anxiety stick around for who knows how long. That's weed withdrawal for me.

See that's what I mean by am I missing something, I know he does sleep and eat when he doesn't have it, but as you say in your post, I guess everyone experiences it differently.

 

[DaysNDaze]

I understand, I really do. I'm in a fairly similar position. My boyfriend also has social anxiety and agoraphobia and can't leave the house. I understand how that effects your social life. I have done so much for him and sometimes I feel he doesn't appreciate it. I do all the cooking, getting food, organizing appointments, just generally most of the chores. I know what it's like to be as depressed as he is, so I try not to go too hard on him, but I wish things were different.

I still maintain an active social life however without him. I wish I could include him but he's not ready for it.

However, unlike your situation, I cause a lot of my own problems too and am far from innocent in our relationship. That's a big part of why we're able to stay together. While we both have different ideas about exactly what we're doing wrong, we both understand that we've both made serious mistakes and need to try and do better.

It sounds like your guy however refuses to contribute whatsoever. Mine contributes in other ways. And if he's such a drain, he has a lot of nerve treating you poorly. Mine at least still listens when I feel he should treat me better and tries to do better and make amends. At the very least he should be trying, and listening to the issues he's having.

It's up to you, but I wouldn't blame you in the least if you decided to dump him. But I also understand that there may be things about him you fell in love with that you're not mentioning right now, I know love has a way of making us numb to the bad stuff. And I wouldn't blame you if you stayed either. But he needs to know how much this is effecting you.

Wish you luck hun.

Thanks for your reply its great to know I'm not alone on that one. Our situation is pretty much the same I'm not perfect either and I hate to talk bad about him on a site he's not a bad guy, but regardless when you're in a predicament like ours it's only a matter of time before the resentment starts to build. I guess it all depends on how you express the resentment. This is less harmful than going out and cheating or something.

When he's able to smoke things are great. I guess I just feel invalidated because everything I do actually revolves around him in some way. I'm so tired and he doesn't see it and even somehow manipulated me into hiding it because it turns into an argument of me being in a bad mood.

I guess I'm just really not healthy enough to deal with someone like this because I did try to quit pills while we were together I think I did about 10 or 15 days give or take. But life was just so boring! I started up again just to have the energy and patience to deal with this situation and to try and control my moods at least most of the time

And people say just leave but I almost feel trapped. No one wants to call the cops on someone or kick them out and/or in my case, force a metally ill individual to go be somewhere that would be detrimental to their well being.

I'm lost.

 

[Jabberwocky]

All you can do is to try to take better care of yourself. I really hope you can put the emphasis more on your own well being and less on his. I'm sure he is an amazing dude, but that doesn't mean you are responsible for taking care of him. He needs to learn to take care of himself and his own needs, which he won't be able to do if you continue giving him what, please forgive me if I am wrong in how I word this, "a free pass."

I mean, the best thing you can do for him is to set an example of how someone takes care of their own needs. You can continue to try and teach him how to take care of his own needs, but this is far more difficult, because it sounds like you are yourself struggling to take care of your own needs. It is impossible to truly take care of someone else when one cannot truly take care of one's self.

I wish you nothing but the best DaysNDaze, I'm so sorry you have to struggle through this. It sounds exhausting!

 

[Jabberwocky]

So you support him and he gives you a hard time over no weed?!!
Why don't he get a job? He has no respect for you by the sounds of it and I smoke weed every day. If I miss a day I might not eat as well but I don't treat my bf like shit over it
Instead of comforting you in your sickness he's just selfish
When I detoxed I had a guy I never even met trying to get me to ask my friends to sponser them into Canada for me to support lol. Never did meet the selfish person but trust me you don't want or need that bs right now

 

[Nixiam]

It's true, your boyfriend seems pretty shit.

But you I think we all know why we stick with things. It may be subconcious, like you hadn't thought "Why?".

You fall for someone, find out they aren't what you need, but they're still what you want. You spend a while wishing the situation better, and when it doesn't happen, you start to contemplate.

You reach a couple of decisions on your own, feeling a little more confident in them, ask a friend or a bunch of people to confirm the decisions you made by getting their take on the matter.

The answers you get stem from two types of people.

"Cut the BS" and "Reform so I can love you" people.

Reform could work if your boyfriend has any incentive to remain in your relationship. If he is faced with you dumping him like waste in a can, he may either lash out verbally with accusations that you (frankly) need not listen to, or apologize and change how he treats you.

He may even do both. If he really cares then he'll change.

You are in control, keep that in mind. If he has any self respect then he definitely feels small compared to you, most definitely disappointed with himself.

That is the only reason he seems to have the gall to not talk to you. He just wants to protect his pride, because under all his bullshit he knows you're a better person than he is.

If he refuses to try, I would leave him.

Leaving him is protecting your highest moral obligation (happiness), and is not immoral if the situation is how you presented it.



I hope after reading this you are not left feeling incomplete, as this may be an unpopular or unfavorable answer. You probably already guessed how the opinions would be divides and related when you asked the question.

I hope you find what you'll do. Have courage, have self respect, and preserve happiness.

You sound like a beautiful person, inside and out.



Please take what I have posted with a grain of salt. I am hardly in a position to give relationship advice, I wish you the best.

 

[bomber]

Potheads are the only drug users I know that are so psycologicly dependent from their drug. Opioid addicts, alcoholics, benzo users e.t.c. get way more physicly dependent to their drugs, but they can have a conversation not metioning them. But potheads...those people think of the weed all time. It makes sence if nothing else feels interesting to him when he doesn't have his weed.
Also some potheads friends I have tell me that everything around them is way more intresting when they are high... so I would make sence if the opposite happens when he is not high.

 

[DaysNDaze]

Thank-you for all the replies, I've read each of your replies more than once, I'm not sure what it is, I know I need to give that ultimatum, but I just can't find it in me to do it.

 

[DaysNDaze]

That's my own fault though. Like I said I really don't know what's holding me back.

 

[P0kemama]

DaysnDaze: Please try not to be so tough on yourself! First of all, kudos to you for taking the first big step out of denial by posting here on BL. Even though we are online, it is also my main place for socializing, gaining and giving support, and working on my addiction. I feel pretty vulnerable when I share something personal.... so GOOD FOR YOU!

Secondly.... that first step was the biggest one... I believe once we come out of denial on a difficult situation, it is hard to ignore it ever again. Our awareness is with us, 24/7.
So... many people I have seen in this situation do not make big changes all at once. If you can, that's great. However, you are busy processing all this, and gaining this new perspective on your relationship. Plus... you are integrating all the great feedback, support and encouragement you are getting here on BL.

I would suggest, if you have a secure place, to start a private journal. And read back over it every few days. Journalling, even posting honestly here on BL, helps me gain clarity on what my next step is best FOR ME. Just remember to take care of yourself FIRST.... your self esteem will rise, and you will believe you deserve better, and you will create a positive upward spiral in your life.

Good luck!!