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Recovery Road to Recovery

Hi VastEmpty and Notsoprettyinpink,
I won't be able to post while starting ORT as the rehab has policy for no own tablets or phones and there isn't network access in a computer that we can use for writing documents for social services etc. This is for helping us to calm down for rehab by limiting access to outside world. I plan to convince our social worker to let me access BL to upload updates I have written with the computer we can use as I see writing stuff up helps me in recovery but even in that case I won't be able to check up what others have written :(

Last time I went there this summer for trying to drop down opiate usage totally we had group therapy each day but it could be anything from music therapy to discussion or mindfulness relaxation and such. Also we had a time for nurse each day for discussing about our progress and feelings. Dr was available twice a week or more if needed. We also had program everyday such as bbq and sauna or swimming, frisbee golf, jogging and such and we could decide our own time table for the team except for sauna as those were always during fixed time twice a week. We also were able to let two patients to go to a local shop with a nurse to get tobacco and whatever we needed for all twice a week.

There wasn't much of a free time actually but during it we watched tv and played pool and such. There was soccer tournament going on when I was there so there was actually always some match going on tv.

Temperature is about to drop here and it is only 15 degrees celsius now and as I live near polar circle days have already begun to be shorter. I am actually preparing for a storm here and there have already been electric blackouts for few minutes at a time. My ex-wife works for a local power company and they expect a lot of trees falling onto grid and wind speed will be 21 to 30m/s in gusts.

This is a paradise during summers in my opinion as there are lots of green everywhere and lakes too. One of the biggest lake in Finland is just a short drive away. During winter (and winter-winter as we say here :) ) it is just polar night and lots of snow here and it takes different view on life to be able to live here. I am accustomed into it and for me it is good times too as I love astronomy and those dark winters are a great time for observations with telescope.

I'll write some more if the network is up after I have tied some covers for bbq and my firewood and such better so I don't have to wonder where they are in the morning.

Edit:
Notsoprettyinpink, I've been trying to get all that out in the public for a while and saw a good opening to do it and also was in a mood in which I could process it while writing without having panic attack or something like that. It helped a lot to get it all out.

I have had some doubts about entering ORT but now it seems the best option I have.

BL and all the wonderful people here have given me a lot of strength to go through what must be done in order for me to recover. Also I have had a lot of tips preventing me from overdosing or getting other problems and all the horror stories and information here have kept me from starting to IV drugs.

Network dropped few hours ago from LTE to 3G and now to Edge so the batteries are running out from that link and I soon won't be able to post for a while. I have power here as I have solar panels and they have batteries and also I have aggregate which runs on diesel that I share with my neighbour.
 
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MrRoot - Finland sounds like a utopian paradise with your photos and descriptions, and the way I've heard others describe it. Are most residents multilingual - everyone I have ever met from Finland has perfect English, is that a school requirement? I ask for selfish reasons - in the next few years I would like to begin traveling again and would love to venture to your country. I was fortunate to be able to tour Canada, past Labrador one summer by motorcycle and the nature was exquisite! I realized I much prefer northern climates, though I say this with very little experience with cold and snow. Eastern NC is a fairly temperate climate, seldom do we're make it to freezing, and seldom do we make it past 100 F (heat index is a different matter because of the humidity, but technically it seldom reaches triple digits).
 
Root -

Well, I'm bummed out that they don't let you have access to BL. I would love to read any updates you are able to convince them to let you post. They would be crazy not to see the benefit in BL as a recovery tool.

We will miss you when you go - but will be here eagerly awaiting your return!

- VE
 
Moreaux, it is my homecountry so I am a bit biased to say but Finland is a somewhat utopistic land when compared to some others. Scandinavian welfare countries in general are somewhat weird places because we actually believe that a country is as great as the way they treat their poorest members. It is easy to live as you know you won't end up being homeless no matter how hard You might fuck up your life. Unless one slips outside the reaches of society by totally alienating himself from it and living as a hermit of a kind. This no one is left behind policy dates back to a Winter War during which they tried not to leave even corpses of fallen soldiers behind.

What comes to the weather the summer is great as there is a lot of light and warmth around but most of the time there is also atleast showers of rains during typical summer day.

Winter gives a lot of hard time for those not accustomed into it as society works as normal in temperatures in which for example kids in the U.S. don't go to school (even -22'F is normal winter temperature here). I have only once in my life missed doing something because of cold weather and it was when they had wrong kind of diesel for sale at petrol station and the diesel didn't work as intended in the freezing temperatures and instead of flowing it clogged up into the filter.

Springtime is fun as you have benefit of increasing light and the still present snow and you can actually enjoy being outside for example skiing without worrying of freezing to death while doing it :)

During the fall there is a lot of tourists coming to se fall colors to northern parts of Finland although you could enjoy them anywhere here.

If you can choose your timing I would suggest you to come here during the early spring as it offers a way to enjoy "winter" fun. Summer doesn't actually differ from what it is in many other parts of the world too except if you wish to experience what it is when the sun doesn't set at all during midsummer.

What it comes to our language skills we are for long time been somewhat multilingual as there is influence from Sweden and Russia and as a written language Finnish is quite young. Swedish is the second official language and everyone needs to learn it in school so it has been easy to add another (and another) language. Currently we have to atleast study one A language (6 years of studying at school) and Swedish as B language (3 years of studying). Most people study english as their A language and add some other language as a A, B or C (two years of studying) too to their studies. I for example studied English as A language, compulsary Swedish and French as an extra A language. On top of that are the studies done in High School equivalent or in vocational school as well as on higher level studying places such as universities.

I am not sure when one A language became compulsary but atleast pretty much everyone younger than 50 has learned English atleast for some amount.

My generation and younger generations have learned a plenty of English through media and entertainment sources and even speeak it quite fluent. For the older ones it is harder to speak English as they don't have means to speak it everyday as there aren't so much foreigners around to speak it with.

Most of us have quite funny sounding accent when we do speak it but try to cope with it. At worst it is something like this:
 
VE, yeah not having access to BL is like taking a crutch from a crippled guy in my opinion but I guess they don't want me to see triggering material (yes the nurse I first spoke about this last time even knew what BL is). I think I'll just do the updates when I can while paying my bills through e-bank during visits to that social worker. He is quite cool guy and let me do some sports betting ast time although it is forbidden in the rules :p I would have checked in on BL but I didn't remember the password.
 
Root -

now on we know all about Finland and how great and beautiful it is...but we haven't heard how easy it is to get a visa, nor how many rooms you have available ;). I don't know about Bernie, but I'm ok with sleeping on the floor.

- VE
 
MrRoot said:
Just a little update. I have huge cravings and feel like giving up resisting them. I've even actively seeked out where to get drugs if and when I need them.

I am feeling down, powerless and antisocial and I haven't find out the reason for these except the cravings and combating them. I didn't sleep last night at all and today I found it very difficult to drag myself to get my prescribed drugs from health center. Normally I would have went to shopping after getting my drugs but I instead drove back to home and have been laying on a sofa with my iPad instead of making breakfast or even coffee.

I don't know if I am trying to figure out that some last hoorah isn't that bad when done before ORT starts but this lethargic feeling is weird. Could also be that my depressive phase is starting since I have bipolar. I am trying to get along with this until wednesday when I have an appointment for a nurse.
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1st off, you're doing fantastonomal (not a word, I know:))....but you are!!!:)

2nd of all, the cravings are SO very common. I questioned it on my own thread because I did so wonderful (basically going cold turkey as well) for a good 7-10 days. Then they came on very intensely.

I won't lie....I still get them on occasion, plus the bad dreams and sweating at night. The ladder of the 2 being what has been bothering me the most because tomorrow I'll be 30 days fully clean and I'd think that all the physical wd's would be gone by now. But as is said, everyone's different.

As for ORT, I'm thrilled you're going even though I'll miss chatting with you but you'll undoubtedly meet so many loving and caring people there also.

You're a fighter, a warrior and a Peacemaker. Once you're fully clean though, you'll be a different kind of peacemaker. Making peace though not with others but rather with yourself as much as you possibly can.

Much love and support, my dear friend,
Bernadette
 
Bernie -

My last quit attempt lasted about 42 days, and I had the same concerns you had. I thought all of the physical stuff would be done well before day 42! But the sweating and chills were still there in damn near full force. I don't know if it's "normal" to still feel that way, but I know I did, so it can't be unheard of. I know that I would sweat at the same time I was shivering so hard that I was visibly shaking.

Just stick with it...it has to go away, eventually. I didn't stick with it, so now I'm 42 days behind where I was at 42 days and it makes me sick to think about doing those 42 days again. Ugh. Anyway, you got this!!!

- VE
 
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Thanks both. I'v estarted to feel better after keeping myself busy.

Storm went quite well for me atleast. Only few covers blown out and some branches had been blown to road.

Waiting for my daughter to stay overnight and preparing food beforehands so I don't have to use time for that.

And btw I don't think U.S. citizens need visa to get here as atleast we don't need tourist visa to come there as we are in quite good terms and I guess EU membership affects this too.

Edit:
Here is a good article on Finnish immigrants to U.S.:
http://inktank.fi/china-swedes-fore...-how-finnish-immigrants-helped-build-america/

P.S. VE, I have basement which can be renovated for living purposes if you want to stay here :p
 
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Root -

Truth be told, I can joke about coming to live with you - but I'm deathly afraid of flying, so even if I was serious, I wouldn't be able to get there. At least not safely! I'll have to admire from afar.

Are you currently in the process of tapering off of the oxy before going to ORT?

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
Bernie -

My last quit attempt lasted about 42 days, and I had the same concerns you had. I thought all of the physical stuff would be done well before day 42! But the sweating and chills were still there in damn near full force. I don't know if it's "normal" to still feel that way, but I know I did, so it can't be unheard of. I know that I would sweat at the same time I was shivering so hard that I was visibly shaking.

Just stick with it...it has to go away, eventually. I didn't stick with it, so now I'm 42 days behind where I was at 42 days and it makes me sick to think about doing those 42 days again. Ugh. Anyway, you got this!!!

- VE
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Hey VastEmpty, I didn't see your response back to what I wrote until just now. Wow, 42 days, huh? Today will be 28 for me and I'm feeling (I wanna say worse....especially since my P.M doctor had my script all ready to go last week and I KNOW it would take just one measly call to get them)....the only reason I can't say worse is because my acute wd's were insanely bad (I have RSD and it irritated it more, a heart condition and a huge amount of other health problems and I'm not very old)....during the acute's (I HATE THAT WORD A...CUTE...it's almost funny to me, as there's nothing "cute" about it...a tiny "haha" to that).......my pulse went up to almost 200, my bp skyrocketed, projectile nonstop vomiting, of course diarrhea, freezing but sweating in 90 degree weather, shaking, no sleep for about a week...I could go on and on but I'll just say it was HORRIFIC). With my pulse and BP so high, I took my last 5 mg methadone (yet had more for "just in case") and sat and waited for the physicals symptoms but somehow, miraculously they didn't return besides the no sleep, drug dreams, sweating but being cold....so I thought I could "live" or rather WOULD live with the rest. I had a huge euphoric natural "high" for about a week (my days feel like they collide so anymore I can't even say exact times).....then a BOOM, CRASH of I guess PAWS. I even considered death as an option.

It helps me immensely to know (NOT that I'm happy it did for your sake) that you, too were feeling as you did still at day 42 but it also scares me.....but I THANK YOU FOR sharing so please don't take me wrong). I've actually been accused of still using since I'm still getting some physical wd's but much is all mental.

How are you doing now? Are you continuing to use? It sounds like you started over but if you didnt or else tried again but didnt succeed YET ("YET" being the key term because you WILL), TRUST ME, no judgement will EVER come from me, just loving words even though on most occassions, sadly, loving words just aren't enough:(. If you'd ever like to p.m. please feel free to do so <3. Also, I agree with you:). I've heard Finland is beautiful and yes, I'd even take a room on MrRoot's floor as well:). But, I too, am PETRIFIED of flying. Do you think we could take a ship? No, ax that idea too because I've seen the Titanic one too many times and I'm not sure what'd be worse.....dying in a plane crash or else being hijacked (if that occured, I'd just have a heart attack right there on the spot so I could just easily be tossed from the plane right then and there) or dying due to drowning with a huge ship hovering over me. Sorry (all not so funny) but trying my best to at least keep a little of my once super funny sense of humor although none of those scenarios are funny...they're just very unlikely yet I am right there with you on my fear of flights. The last I flew my dad was in the Army and I was 3. I remember SCREAMING because my "baby doll" had to go through security on the belt. I was POSITIVE she'd die...haha:)

MrRoot, I don't even have to personally know you to say how proud I am of you. I know you're going to do this. You're truly an inspiration and I have a feeling you're much younger then I. As long as I can say though that I'm still carded for cigarettes though, I'll keep my age a secret from all forever. Haha:)

Much love and thanks to you both <3
Sincerely,
Bernadette (who has no idea why she gave her real name since I've secluded myself from my friends for fear of judgement yet have given graphic details as for where I live so I, myself, may have told on "me" but I see it this way......if any of my "friends" on the outside world view anything I've written? Then they obviously have some problems too. And the "notsoprettyinpink", VastEmpty is pink pills. Pink is actually my favorite color and pink clothing takes up a large portion of my clothing.......I'm just "not so pretty" while chronically get sick after taking pink pills.....oxy 10's. Each month I became a mess and then resorted to the methadone when available plus throughout the month just so I wouldn't take as many "pinks".

Again, love, strength and courage to you both <3
 
Root -

I just saw that your ORT start date is tomorrow - I posted on another thread but wanted to come to your thread and post too! Congrats, Root! You are gonna do awesome. I've been so busy lately that I haven't had the chance to post much, but I ALWAYS read. It's kinda like my second addiction.

We will see you in 30 days?

- VE
 
Hi VE, I don't start today but I instead know the actual date for the start of ORT. It most probably is on the next week. I'll let you guys and ladies know when Imknow the actual date. I am anxious in a good way for starting it. I think the hardest part is that I cannot see my significant other, relatives and my froends while on there but atleast I can talk them by phone meant for patient use.
 
Now I finally know the date and it is 19th of this month so few weeks still to go. I hope I can stick with the amount of drugs I am supposed to take daily until ORT starts. There were some homeless guys who needed to start ORT more acutely so my date was put a bit further.

Few weeks sound like eternity at the moment but I just have to take one day at a time. I have also thought that if I relapse to doing more drugs than allowed then it would be just a part of this recovery and if that wouldn't happen why should I even start ORT then as no relapse at all would mean I could manage my drug use (which I can't actually without help and good aids such as the doser I use)?
 
ORT is more effective when you have a short period of abstinence from opioids before as opposed to going into it kicking, in my experience at least. It makes it much more effective at reducing cravings because you can appreciate its range of action much more, especially with buprenorphine.
 
I am going haywire. I have thoughts about helicopter following me even it was just monitoring traffic. I think someone listens to my phone, tracks me through a satellites and monitors my network traffic. I started to use vpn to prevent it for a bit. This scares a ashit out of me. I have an urge to tell a great prophecy for the mankind although I know it is psychotic shit. Sometimes I even hear voices telling me to start writing. It all started when I got a PTSD episode while driving and I had to pull over and reached to my gun and ducked for cover. While shaking at roadside I took 2mg clonazepam and 2mg alprazolam sublingually and it helped after few minutes while I did breathing exercises. The bad idea was to close my eyes during it as I saw some horrible things from the past and even other senses felt those sensations back there like still smoldering human flesh etc. Called Artemisia to help me to get my car home and she took a cab to get where I pulled over and she drove me to home and now we called for help from different sources. I have a Dr's appointment within two hours. I put all my guns to a gun safety cabin and tossed the key into a safe which can only be opened after a week. I am quite sure that this PTSD flashback started all this because there hasn't been any changes in my medication for weeks and I haven't taken any extra. Now I remember that I stopped using benzos some days ago so maybe it can alleviate this too!? I am scared as this hasn't been ever happened to me this way. I am trying to stay calm until the Dr's appointment.
 
Although it might not be possible right now if you're still in a bit of a manic or psychotic episode, but can you identify what triggered these thought patterns and feelings MR?

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I imagine the stress of knowing you're about to embark on ORT and all that entails has something to do with it.
 
I have permission to give an update about MrRoot's condition. He is in an acute psychic ward for evaluation and they think it might be acute manic episode with psychotic symptoms but don't know for sure as it was triggered suddenly of PTSD episode so they will have him there for 48hour surveillance perioid. He was better in the evening but a bit drugged out by the drugs they were giving to him.

he has never got psychotic symptoms while in manic phase so this is something new and I guess it is an aftermath of that PTSD episode. Or from stress as TPD said as he has had a lot of stuff to do because of the publishing of his novel and this ORT starting soon. I atleast hope he doesn't stress about us moving together too...

I hope he'll get better soon.
 
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