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Recovery Journal

14YearsOfFlux

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2016
Messages
126
Flux vs. WD, Round 1... FIGHT!

What's up, Bluelight? I've been reading for years and this is my first post.

If this is in the wrong spot, please move it.

It's time we talked.

Background: I've been an addict for 14 years. Longer without knowing it. As a teenager, I used to steal moms 5mg Hydros. No biggie. I could jump on and off without issue. Then, at the age of 19, my first child and my addiction were born in tandem. One an angel, the other a devil. I injured my wrists in a work accident (ah yes... A tale as old as time!) and was prescribed Hydrocodone. You guys know the rest. The first few years ticked by in ignorant bliss. This was back in the early 2000's when getting a bottle of 120 Vicodin was as easy as filling out an online form, taking a phone call, and then thanking your friendly neighborhood FedEx guy.

Ah, the warmth! I was a machine! 19 years old, head of my department and making $65,000 a year, father of the year, etc. Let me condense that for you: I was a 19 year old addict who owned his home and had disposable income to spare. Needless to say, eclipsing 200mg a day was normal. 3 times that on my days off.

Well kids... this is when it gets ugly.

I met (nameless). He had done the unthinkable.... Crawled into the ceiling tiles of a local pharmacy, waited until they closed, dropped down into the pharmacy and went on a shopping spree. Again, this was prior to timed safes and the like. The net result? 4 huge duffel bags filled with every narcotic from A to Z. Oxys ranging from 5mg to 80mg, morphine, fentanyl suckers and patches, liquid and tablet dilaudid... The list goes on.

I was in junky heaven.

Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to believe the ride would never end, it did. Oh, you're out of oxy? Ok I'll take some fentanyl. No more dilaudid? Shit, I guess give me morphine. No more morph? Um... Tramadol then? You see how it ends.

2 years into my addiction and I got my first taste of opiate withdrawl. I quickly educated myself with a crash course in addiction neuroscience and learned at a quick clip what I was in for. After 3 days of hell, I stumbled into my local methadone clinic.

Here I stayed for 3 years. It was 2007 when I was discharged for non-payment.

The usage began to take its toll on my mental and physical state. I lost my first (of many) jobs. My girl and I parted ways, amicably though it may have been, it was thanks to the drugs. Things started unwraveling when I finally chose recovery! How ironic right? Yeah... I wasn't recovering. I was only buying time until my next dealer angel descended upon me.

Fast forward to 2014: Failed job after failed job. My job performance was always stellar. My attendance, however, was atrocious. I had sold all of my music gear, my RC cars... Anything of value.

My habit was raging. Destroyed relationships, foreclosure, lies, deceit, usage of people, theft, justification. You know the dance.

This is the trend that has continued until about a year ago when I found suboxone. I was using about 450mg of Oxy per day, via intranasal consumption of 30mg IRs (our favorite, amiright?). Then I found subs. I got in with a doctor and it was looking good. Then I was kicked from the program for (surprise) missing an appointment and failing a drug screen.

Back to the streets I go. Last year consisted of 3 days to a week on subs, then back to whatever I could find... Oxy mostly. Then, back to subs. Repeat ad nauseum.

I'm ready guys. I'm ready.

3 days ago, I jumped off Subs after a week long taper down to 0.5mg twice a day. Not as low as I'd have liked, but low enough to feel surprisingly the least withdrawl I've ever felt. 2 days ago, I went on a little minor oxy binge. 90mg over two days.

Now here we are. 24 hours with no opiates. It begins. I've taken an adderal this morning (20mg IR) and (yes I've read both sides of the proverbial pamphlet) it has eliminated nearly all of my withdrawl symptoms, save for the lingering jagged physical anxiety and yawns. Off to the store to purchase some Loperamide, of which I will be using in 4mg increments every 24 hours.

14 years.... 14 years.

My mind is strong, my body is weak. I am confident in myself as long as I can mitigate my PAWS. This is my first real attempt at killing the devil.

Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading and I'll keep you guys posted every few hours.
 
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Good luck!

I've never kicked subs but have had my struggles with everything else you mentioned. Fucking Roxie 30s eh? Those were my downfall, more so than heroin. Anyway, seems like you've got the right attitude. Keep us posted!
 
Thanks for the reply! I've read your posts, both your own and replies to others and am very inspired and I just want to say that, though he may not know it, your son thabks you for your strength.

When in early PAWS, I find myself fixating on things. Like right now, I can't put my phone down. I've been glued to the web for 4 hours. How can I help break up some of this obsessive deep-dive behavior?

Fucking mind of an addict, right.
 
Thanks. He is my reason:)

I'm glued to bluelight when kicking as well. I suppose it's because I have to hide it from everyone, it's nice to communicate with people who are in the same boat or who have figured this shit out. I'm not sure if it's good or bad.
 
It's so crazy to me to read essentially the same story over and over again (mine included)... I.e. "When I was 20 something I fell and got a Vike script... Fast forward to now and I'm shooting 36 bags of heroin into my dick every five minutes"...

It's like... We're all the same creature. CEOs and bums, engineers and yoga teachers. Doesn't matter.
 
Try and tale it easy on yourself Flux, you're not going to solve your problems overnight, you have the rest of your life to work on righting them. It is great that you've already planted the seeds of recovery within your mind though, that is often the hardest part of the battle for some. Just keep doing what you can, and you'll get where you need to be eventually. Good luck!

Why not continue on methadone or buprenoprhine maintenance btw? Sounds like you'd benefit from the stability.
 
Tooth, thank you. I have a habit of getting ahead of myself in all things. Not to mention, I've seen so many of these journals take a nasty turn after day 3-4, etc. It's tough to toe the line between optimism and realism with regard to addiction indeed.

Buprenorphine maintenance may be an option in the future for me, but feeling as motivated as I am, I want to attempt a life without dependency. I've already collaborated with my beautiful wife a contingency plan. This may be a bad idea given that it creates a safety net, but if it gets to gnarly.... I'll be jumping back on low dose bupe if needed. We have a 6th month old son and I'm up for a new job on the 23rd.

So it's definitely an option.
 
I got some 2mg Lope tabs. What is a safe and fairly non-impactful dosage that will help alleviate some of the physical symptoms?
 
Take 2mg just to see what happens, but likely you'll need 10-30mg before you really kill the runs if you have had a nasty dependency.
 
When in early PAWS, I find myself fixating on things. Like right now, I can't put my phone down. I've been glued to the web for 4 hours. How can I help break up some of this obsessive deep-dive behavior?

Fucking mind of an addict, right.
It's the Adderall, hyper focus

If I take an Addie and start browsing the web, I will be doing that shit all day. If I take an Addie and go exercise, I will keep going for hours lol
 
Congratulations on your lifestyle change Flux! Kudos for wanting a healthier and happier life! You've received some excellent advice so I won't reiterate. I wanted to say that recovery is a process, you'll have good days and bad days. Keep in mind when you feel bad or low that those feelings are temporary, it gets better. The best way to kick the addiction cycle is to address the underlying issues that are driving you to use. I had a 17 year habit and was a chronic relapser...I tried for 7 years to get sober and couldn't get past a year clean, I was avoiding my issues like the plague. I finally through in the towel and started working on them, made some good progress, and went back to rehab. I got the Vivitrol shot my last day there and stayed on it for 8 months. I now have over two years clean. During my journey I realized that my addiction was a symptom of an underlying mental health issue, and once I got a handle on that I got was able to maintain sobriety. Keep up the good work!
 
Flux -

You come across so confident in your post! I believe you are ready! Now is the time, it's always the best time. For us, disaster is always just around the corner.

How are you feeling now? Last time you checked in, you seemed to be doing fairly well - I hope that is still the case. I think it is positively brilliant that you have a contingency plan! Way to go.

As Moreaux said, you got lots of good advice. I'm just popping in for the support.

- VE
 
Thank you guys so much for the support! I seriously had NO IDEA how impactful reading these replies could be.

I'm at hour 41 and feeling a little worse for wear. Still minor by all accounts though and nothing as severe as the WD I've experienced in the past. Essentially an increase in symptoms say from a measly 15% up to now a bothersome 30% of what I would consider "kill me now fuck you body and brain" withdrawal!

That said, I have a question:

Can Zofran/Ondansetron exacerbate WD symptoms?! Reason I ask is this:

...or so it seems.

My recovery journal is about 5 threads down and will give you my background, however the short version is this:

What Ive taken today: Beginning this morning around 10AM, I've taken about 20mg of Loperamide (4mg every 4 hours), 60mg of IR Adderal (20mg every 5 hours) all orally and maybe 1000mg of Tylenol every 6-8 hours (does nothing).

I've had a few anxiety-riddled hours but nothing to write home about. Overall, feeling awesome with the exception of some very minor ups and downs.

At 9 PM MST (about 2.5 hours ago), I took 8mg of Zofran (4mg sublingual x2) and after about 20 minutes, began to feel pretty extreme physical withdrawl symptoms more in line with what I'm used to and with what I expected when I tally jumping off.

Is it possible that the Zofran caused some sort of precipitated WD or somehow knocked any remain opiates off my receptors? I did a cursory search of Bluelight and Google and found nothing indicating anyone has had this issue. In fact, most people seem to say Zofran should help WD.

What's going on? Coincidence?

Help and thanks!
 
Flu -

Congrats on 41 hours! You are sailing right along, albeit roughly, but you are getting there none the less.

Keep it up and keep coming back. Sorry I can't answer your question. Not familiar with the meds you are asking about.

- VE
 
Vast, thank you!

Well, the adderal has me wide the fuck awake at 3:46 AM... So here I am. I just want to add that, despite fostering 14 years of addictive brain chemistry, Adderal is not something I worry about. Never been one for stims of any kind. Like all addicts, I have my DOC (or, my "day one girl" as I like to say) and then there are the drugs that I can pretty much hold in my hand and say "meh... Take it or leave it" (I.e. those "side bitches"!). Adderal is a side bitch, along with Xanax, Valium, Soma... Damn near anything ending in the "-zam" suffix.

As such, I went ahead and flushed the rest of my addys.

I'll tell you why.

Only a damaged fucking addict brain would justify to itself that using an unprescribed and fairly addictive substance in its own right to treat a DIFFERENT addiction was a smart move. It damn sure helped and I'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it's about changing those behaviors right?!

I won't lie... Addy made today awesome. I felt almost like my psyche was multi-tiered. That is to say, withdrawl was coursing just beneath the surface of my psyche, but happiness and love for my family, respect for my wife and an unbreakable resolve stayed in control. All day long I kept having those withdrawl panic moments where I wanted to jump on my phone and get the wheels turning on an Oxy 30 delivery all the while squirming and fidgeting and being sore... Only to have rationale kick in and tell me that it would be nothing but a needless setback. My own mind reminding me of my true priorities!

Guys... This is UN-FUCKING-PRECEDENTED! Every time, and I mean EVERY time that I have withdrawn from opiates, I have ALWAYS found a way to lie to myself, get more, relieve the symptoms, nod out and justify it all over again. Prior to 45 hours ago, my resolve has been nonexistent.

Not today. I'm in charge now, you punk motherfucker. You're small. I'm huge. You're weak. I'm strong. You have no patience. I'm fuckin' ghandi. You want me to kick and scream and curse my existence? Well guess what? Fuck off... Id rather read to my son.

:)

45.5 hours in and I'm just getting warmed up. Bring me my demon and let me whoop that ass once and for all. He's only scary from far away.
 
I'm strong but scared. In 14 years I've been sober maybe a cumulative total of... 3 weeks? And any of that time where I said I was quitting, I was lying to myself. This feels inherently different. I feel strong but also scared for the first time. I'm scared to feel pain and see colors brighter and have emotions that aren't blunted. I'm scared of losing myself to my REAL self. This is the me that I know. Doped me. But not the one I want.

Fear of the unknown and what have you.

Anyway...

The sun is up. 49 hours down.

Round one goes to Flux with an overwhelming offensive push and a flurry of conviction and poise!

Go me!
 
I'm glad you got rid of the amphetamine, that stuff generally does not work out so hot during acute withdrawal. Feel better!
 
Guys... This is UN-FUCKING-PRECEDENTED!
Not today. I'm in charge now, you punk motherfucker. You're small. I'm huge. You're weak. I'm strong. You have no patience. I'm fuckin' ghandi. You want me to kick and scream and curse my existence? Well guess what? Fuck off... Id rather read to my son.

:)

45.5 hours in and I'm just getting warmed up. Bring me my demon and let me whoop that ass once and for all. He's only scary from far away.

You go, Flux! Sometimes a good dose of rage can keep you moving forward like nothing else.:)

It's normal to fear the unknown but you can learn to tack on an extra car in the usual train of anxious thoughts. After you let the usual thought train run (What if I fail, what if I'm never happy, what if I__?) make sure the last thought in that run is this: "What did I just learn about the nature of my fears?" Knowledge, especially self-knowledge is a process that can continue for the rest of your life. It is something that only you can build. We often talk of defeating our fears or overcoming them--and that is ultimately important--but taking a minute to observe them and hold them up to the light can be a very powerful way to do just that, but on a deeper level.
 
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Man, thank you. I couldn't agree more. I tend to favor busying my mind when I'm under duress. So in this context, that means not necessarily conquering my fears, but seeking to understand the mechanisms that have created them.

To skim the surface, right now that means understanding why I'm subconsciously using my fear of the unknown as an intentional roadblock to my recovery. I've recognized it, so I will see it coming. But I don't doubt that in the next day or two, my addict brain will make a concerted effort to latch onto a fear and ride it backwards on the track. All I can do is be ready!
 
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