Flux -
im so sorry you are having a hard time.
You are in the middle of a process that is VERY difficult - there are bound to be bumps. When I was in your position, I fell across Refuge Recovery. Thank god. That helped me to sit with the feelings I was having (which was soooooooo hard after having ignored those feelings for literally years). That's how I made it through that part. For me, if I sat with the feelings, which sucked - especially the guilty feelings - then they would eventually pass - but if I ignored them, they were just there under the surface, all the time.
I know that during the acute phase, my mind and body rebelled every minute. Every other minute i would have the thought "why am I doing this to myself? I was more useful to my family on the opiates than I am now!." But then my rational self would start arguing back about "that may be true, but if I take any opiates I will right back where I started and I'm of no use to anyone in that state." I eventually had to differentiate between the drug talking and ME talking. Any voice in my head that doesn't support my decision to quit taking opiates is my monster - I started looking at "it" as Oscar the Grouch and I would literally envision myself slamming the lid down on his trash can and sitting on it to keep him in there.
Even typing this I feel stupid, but I swear to you it worked. I do know it can't work for all, but I have no advice that isn't my own. I'm sorry if it's not helpful. But, really, next time you are crawling out of your skin and can't sleep, search YouTube for Refuge Recovery and watch one or two videos. If they don't make sense, certainly move on to something that does.
Ok, one last thing, cause I'm knew to this supporting people stuff and this also really helped me. During my acute and shortly-after-acute phase, I was on another support forum. On that one there were only three of us active on the forum. There was me, who was doing cold turkey, another older lady (my moms age) who was doing a slowwwwww taper (6 months total), and one person who had been clean for about two years (thank god for her or it would have been the blind leading the blind, haha). I was struggling particularly bad one day and she asked me "would you rather have the best high you've ever had, or would you rather have peace?" that one statement stopped me in my tracks. I really had to consider what I wanted more - but just the act of considering it, and the truth and pain behind my opiate use, it wasn't even close. I wanted the peace, and it was worth fighting for. For me, anyway.
Please hang in there. I'm coming right behind you and I fully expect to see you at the finish line when I cross it. If toothpastedog, manboychef, and everyone else can do it, goddamnit so can we
- VE