FallenGirl:Bi-polar and self medicating: In need of support.

[Fallengirl2013]

I am an addict and nobody in my life knows it. Its to the point now that i cant function without being on something, anything. I am bipolar and have been self medicating for 3 years now after being on very strong antiphsychotic drugs since 2008. Im no longer functioning. I cant find hapiness anymore. I dont know what to do to get off of everything and am so ashamed of myself that asking for help isnt something i can do. I dont know what to do but i feel my life slipping away. I dont know if anyone will ever see this or if im posting correctly as this is my first time posting. I guess im just putting it out in the universe that i am scared, dead inside, and losing comtrol of everything in my life.

 

[VastEmpty]

Fallen -

I will say that so many people here know exactly how you feel. Either they have been there, are there, or will be there again. You will get a lot of good advice and support, so keep coming back.

- VE

 

[Moreaux]

Welcome to Bluelight Fallengirl2013 - you have come to the right place. I am so sorry you are going through this - bipolar is a tough condition to live with. I am sorry I didn't respond sooner, I just saw this thread. I have a few questions if you don't mind answering - it will help me better understand your situation.

Do you currently have a doctor that you are working with to help you get your meds sorted out? You mentioned antipsychotic medication - what were you taking and are you still taking it or have you been off it, and for how long? Are you taking any medications or substances right now?

I understand how you feel, a few years ago I was overloaded with psych meds and self medicating because nothing seemed to be working. I kept falling further down the rabbit hole and had lost the will to live - I was hopeless. Please know that your situation can and will get better, it just may take some time. It is not easy to just start and stop psych meds, and many take time to either begin to work or recover from, it's unfortunate and easy to lose one's self when trying to find an effective medication combination. I self medicated as well, and it just made everything worse. I empathize with your situation. Please don't lose hope as this is temporary and with help and patience something you can overcome. You are not alone in this - we are here. Hugs!

 

[jammin83]

we sound like we a few things in common. im bipolar as well. been self medicating for more than a decade. was on APs for five years or so and have what seems to be permanent problems from them now. ive been off for about two years. at one point i was on over a half dozen medications. down to just gabapentin now and working on being sober more consistently.

quitting APs was the hardest thing ive ever had to do. harder than jail, harder than quitting benzos and opiates, really fucking hard and still is. did a lot of damage to my brain from all the drugs. i even developed tourettes like verbal tics from them after quitting from extreme anxiety i think and had a lot of other problems. i felt similar to you and the drugs were messing me up. worked at first...yada yada.

generally when quitting drugs, you do 'breaks' last or things that slow you down. so benzos, gabapentin, things like that would usually go last. APs are kind of an exception, because the longer you are on them, the more damage they cause. stimulants i usually do first and other easier things to quit. it would help if we knew what you were taking.

anyway, i have a lot of experience with tapering and quitting drugs, so id be happy to help. when you have been on APs long term, you should be really cautious. I wasn't able to work for months at a time and did a lot of damage from going too fast i think. i tapered for over a year and still messed up, but i was on zyprexa which is pretty strong. either way be careful. you have to take it easy. it was absolute torture for a long time and i have some nerve damage now from it all. so it can be dangerous.

all in all, i am doing much better now off of most the meds and drugs. it was rough for a while, but i feel like myself much more than i was when i was so drugged. it takes time, it took me about 18 months to really start feeling better. its been almost two years now but i still have lingering issues. it takes time and patience and staying away from the shrinks and doctors. I prob would have been institutionalized had i told anyone what was going on. I would gladly have accepted help, but nobody understands protracted withdrawal. it would have made me worse to have received any pharmacological intervention. you have to be stubborn and determined to get off bc it is challenging.

Getting off of all the drugs and untangling the web is the first step. it takes time. then you can reassess and go from there. you also have to work on the addiction. lately i just pot anymore. im trying to quit alcohol and limiting my use of other substances to a rare occasion. it makes a difference for all of my issues. theres a lot of ways to get help with that. SMART recovery is a good option. either way you will need support. letting a family member or close friend know isn't a bad idea. The sober living crew is a pretty lively and supportive bunch and they have helped me when ive needed it.

tell us some more of what is going on and what you are taking, etc.

cheers, welcome to BL

 

[Jabberwocky]

^Nice post

 

[Fallengirl2013]

Oh wow, i never imagined that i would get such supportive responses or any response at all for that matter! Im sitting here in tears because it means so much that someone took the time to read something so personal that nobody in my life knows about. To answer some questions, no i am not currently working with a doctor. I met a wonderful man two years ago, and for ten whole years prior to that i was in a dangerously abusive relationship (thats another story but has A LOT to do with how i started numbing my life with drugs). So i meet this guy and i start to feel normal for the first time in my life, so i thought i would go off my meds in hopes of lessening the risk of infertility should i someday down the road ever want to be super "normal" and have a baby. I didnt want to be bipoar anymore. I didnt want my now fiance or his family to even know that girl. I stopped my meds and drugs too for a while, but as everyone knows once the APs are all out of your system, its like your brain fights back and old ghosts creep back. I did not comtact my doctor like a responsible afult would do, instead i turned to anything i could get my hands on. Anything to change the way i was feeling. I know that if i can survive years of mental and physical abuse, two random years of pretty serious cutting, a dozen psychiatric facility stays, and numerous suicde attempts, i can get through this. I just dont know where to start. Want an idea of how desperate ive become? Ive started shooting benadryl (pharmaceutical liquid, not crushed pills). Absolutely insane, right? I know. But it changes the way i feel, good or bad, thsts all that matters. Shooting it is one of the worst pains ive ever felt in my life, but i almost like thst too bc it takes the focus off of how loud it is inside my screaming mind where nothing is rational and everything is dark. Right now the only thing keeping me going is Kratom, which ive found is almost as good as opiates, but its expensive as hell and its noy really helping me be sober, right? Its just a crutch-a legal one-but still something im abusing. Even thinking of living one day without something, anything, scares the hell out of me. Im so embarassed to even type this among strangers. If u saw me, youd never think in a million years i am an addict and thats why nobody knows. I dont get high and act high. I get high and actually become so productive that my boss had a meeting with me about my potential for advancement in the company i work for yesterday. I was sitting there the whole time with horrible bruises on each arm that he had no idea were there and he has no idea who i really am. That alone was a mind fuck. I live two lives. I am a master chamellion. Im so good at it that its simultaneously heartbreaking and impressive. I wasnt supossed to be this person but im still here so i still have hope.

 

[Mysterie]

i think find someone you can talk to about anything and who doesn't judge you.

it seems like dialectic behavioral therapy has positive results, im not sure theres much crossover with BPD and BP

group therapy where you meet regularly

maybe a suitable anti-depressant for your specific neurochemistry too soften the moodswings which you can reduce and cut down on once you can notice when a trigger is starting, and to practice responding in a to calm your nervous system perhaps. with the supervision of a medical professional.

sometimes its just as simple as when you are anxious (our shoulders hunch up and we breathe from our chest), breathe with your natural flow of your breath into your lower belly and notice if your breath slow down, it switches from fight or flight response to the relaxation, safe response.

but really, please for your own sake get in touch with a doctor/psychiatrist/therapist who you feel you can trust and has your best interests at heart, to me it sounds like self-medicating has the potential for greater disaster than maintenance on a mood stabilizer or whatever the person who is trained and has experience thinks.

you are worthy of love, stay safe pls

 

[VastEmpty]

Fallen -

Could you possibly make your own thread? I want to respond, but don't want to hijack this thread. So, please make your own thread. There should be a button on the main forum page titled "new thread" that should get you to a new thread for you to post. But I will say that so many people here know exactly how you feel. Either they have been there, are there, or will be there again. You will get a lot of good advice and support, so keep coming back.

- VE

Wow - I apologize for my previous post. What an idiotic thing for me to have said! I will go back and edit out my original post.

Now on to your current struggle - hang in there! I know, easier said than done - but as they say, the only way out of hell is through it.

I know very little about bi-polar, so I don't have much helpful advice on dealing with the issues it brings. But I do agree with the above poster(s) that you need to find a doctor that you can talk to. I think that will be imperative in the coming months. Just remember that you are the patient - you have the right to be actively involved in your healthcare decisions, etc. if you need to, bring an advocate with you, someone you can trust, so that you are getting the help that you need.

I also don't know much about IV drug use, but my guess is that Kratom has to be better for you than IVing Benadryl. It might be more expensive, but it might be worth it to pay extra in the long run.

I wish you luck and will certainly be here cheering you on! Sorry again about my epic fuck-up.

- VE