Will I ever be the same again?

[BlueWeepingRose]

I abused Roxycodone and afterwards I was put on Klonopin given by my doctor and he stopped me cold turkey because I complained about the side effects. He gave them to me after I stopped abusing Roxycodone and because I have PTSD after finding my friend dead after overdosing from Meth. I feel like Roxies and Klonopin somehow messed up my brain and I'll never be the same again. There's times where I get so paranoid and think that I'll end up dying. Not to long ago I discovered I had precancer on my cervix, I smoked cigarettes: menthol. I smoked Roxies off of Tin foil and I got drunk a lot. I'm horribly depressed right now, stressed out, have lots of anxiety and just keep feeling like I'll end up dying one day. People keep thinking that I'm crazy yet I end up getting Kidney Stones in June. My health is horrible right now all because of precancer and I changed my diet around and I'm trying to take care of myself and I no longer drink alcohol and I gave up smoking cigarettes and people keep telling me that I'm boring.

All my friends are married and have children and I feel like this will never happen to me because of precancer. Once a guy hears about this, I feel he'll end up breaking up with me because he'll fear that I'll end up dying of cancer one day and will think all I am is a burden and a problem due to this. I have to go to my doctor and get checked up with her this Tuesday and I'm terrified of what she might find.

I asked her questions after the surgery in December and she told me to use condoms, not to drink a lot, give up smoking cigarettes and to only stop using condoms once I find someone who will be faithful to me and marry me. Once she left me alone to get dressed I sobbed in the hospital because I started doubting that this will ever happened for me. I starting regretting ever using drugs and starting crying about the death of my friend. I just hope that I'll end up going back to the person I was once before and that I won't be depressed like I am now.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I just hope that I'll end up going back to the person I was once before and that I won't be depressed like I am now.

1. See a doctor regarding alcohol and benzodiazepine W/D.

2. The pre-cancerous lesions on your cervix are common (most likely caused by HPV) -- and are nobody's fucking business.

3. Unless you have active HPV ( virus that causes genital warts) you don't need to disclose your medical issues to anyone.

4. Any guy that truly falls in love with a woman is happy for every day they have with her. They wont be worried about some possible future disease, or accident.

 

[Kledsky]

I feel like women in society today have to put up with so much pressure and unnecessary bullshit from this new breed of duechbag men that have come out. They've probably been here all along but all I can say as a guy is that not all guys are like this. My fiance I never would call boring. Like the above poster, I'm in complete agreement that your precancer is nobody elses business. I never would have a personal health issue that my fiance has make me feel like she is burdening me. I would worry for her, care about her, want to take care of her and feel like it's my time to give her all I possibly can to help her through something like that or help her accept something like that.. I know this makes me sound pretentious but there are honestly good guys out there, I believe I'm a good man to my fiance. We're soulmates. Before we are even soulmates though we're best friends.

Which is what you need right now, true friends. There is a high chance that there's that perfect or near perfect (as perfection is an idea not a reality) guy out there that will treat you with the worthiness and respect you deserve. I'd be done with someone if they called me boring. Sometimes it's perfectly fine to be boring. Everyone's at their different stages in life, the people that you need to try and surround yourself with the most are the ones you sense empathy from. The person that want's to know how you've been doing. The person you feel like knowing consistently will build more trust, leading to a better and better relationship. Time is the only way to truly build trust, although there have been many people that I've just "clicked" with...

I'm saying all these things about trying to find the right guy or really the right kind of friends because you're depressed and anxious. These are the times where it's best to try and keep finding those that will help you through this difficult time. Even just a support group of some kind. You're trying to overcome something that is so incredibly hard, as I've done it myself - an addiction to opiates. Look into PAWS and how there's a scientific fact for why you feel the way you do right now and it won't last forever. You've gotten this far and although PAWS is one hell of a thing to have to get through, it's doable and maybe more doable right now in your life than any other time. You have to be easy on yourself though. You have to forgive yourself. Most of all you need to avoid the thing that started all of this problem to begin with which is opiates. Keep that out of your life and you'll find things will start to get better eventually and when you do you'll be so happy you keep your head up through this battle. The best of luck to you..

 

[David Wooderson]

You may never go back to where you were but things will get better so long as you continue your fight.

I have had damn near multiple lives due to my drug use and although I wish I could go back, it's impossible, so it''s best to regroup and see what is possible once you feel better.

I was bedridden for almost 4 years and lost everything only to start exercising and now I have no issues, I was able to work past the pain and all the good things that go along exercising eased the undue stress I would put on my mind.

Are things great, no but they are better.

I remember saying multiple times in the beginning of my opiate and benzo addiction that "I'll gladly trade putting up with bullshit in the end if it will ease my suffering now", and I have ptsd and I thought I had terrible anxiety and I do to an extent, but I never felt the sheer terror that a heavy klonopin withdrawal can put you through.

It redefined anxiety and terror to me.

I suggest you try exercising because it has worked for allot of members here and it has the best side effects period.

Best of luck and love

 

[Moreaux]

I think the benzo and opiate withdrawals are really wearing on you whichbis normal - they're horrible. There is a lot of additional anxiety in benzo withdrawal. Remember that it is temporary - eventually this will pass.

Regarding your health, I think you're doing great! You've had some issues but you are getting treatment. Precancer of the cervix is fairly common, and yours was caught so you're getting treatment. This shouldn't cause you further issues, and it's something that you and you doctors are aware of moving forward. The same with the kidney stones - the worst is over. Maintain a healthy lifestyle and you'll be fine.

I think you shouldn't focus on men right now - get through benzo withdrawal first. That being said, if a guy is worthwhile he is not going to view you as a burden, and he should hold the precancer against you.

In my experience most men are very sincere and compassionate. If he loves you he will only be concerned for your health because he loves you and wants you to be comfortable and happy. If a guy acts otherwise then he is not relationship material. Most healthy men really do not hve anterior motives. Also, the precancer does not mean you will get cervical cancer. The precancerous cells are removed so it's not something you have to worry about. Continue to get your annual exam and that should be sufficient unless you have pain or other unusual symptoms, then see your doctor.

Though you may not feel this way, overall everything sounds very positive! Keep up the good work, and continue moving forward as you have been. There is a light at the end of the tunnel with benzo withdrawal - a lot of the anxiety you are feeling of just part of withdrawal and will definately get better with time. I am here if you need to talk. Take care!