Starting life low

[Psychedalienation]

I am 17 years old. If you've seen my other posts or check them out now, I was recently addicted to alcohol a few months ago and went through wd's and made it out.

I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, and insomnia. I have 1 friend that's not really a friend. More like an aquaintence and he helps run a drug operation so that's not helpful for me. I lost most of the love from my family and am being officially kicked out on my 18th birthday (Jan 15). I have 6 months to get a job but I don't want to. It's hard enough waking up and feeling like I want to breathe that day.

I am sad to say that I went back to alcohol. I have no money for weed and alcohol is way too easy to steal. I am making this post for a few reasons.

First off, my kidneys hurt. I can feel pins and needles in them again. I drink almost a full water bottle of cheap, shitty Sobieski vodka every single day. I absolutely hate my life and occasionally comtemplate suicide. I'm always depressed, and now I even get depressed while I am drunk which is scary because that's never happened to me before.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post. It's pretty obvious that I need to simply just get a job and stop drinking but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't attend high school anymore but I recently took the CHSPE which is sort of a GED alternative and am awaiting results of the test. I flunked out of school and got kicked out of continuation school and arrested on site for attending whilst drunk and on 8mg of repro Xanax.

My daily routine is to wake up, drink, go to Starbucks for wifi, go home and wait til 5pm when my wifi turns on at home, get super wasted and play this video game until 12am when it shuts off, sleep, then repeat. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. I'm the only one who can fix it but I refuse to. I hate living.

I stopped going to rehab (obviously) and ceased all therapy after numerous fights with my parents. My dad is an unemotional, left brained robot so he doesn't get it at all and claims I'm hiding behing my depression and my mom understands but simply is fed up and doesn't know what to do. Half the time we aren't even talking. At this rate, I'm hoping to die from drugs or alcohol peacefully before I am kicked out and homeless unless I can somehow fix this. I don't know how you can help me but I figured there's alot of intelligent people on here who know of resources or just have good advice so anything is appreciated I am desperate.

Thanks I love you all feel free to ask questions.

 

[Stickman Roxy]

Sorry your going through some bullshit right now but you obviously know what you need to do. Look at it this way, you get a job and break the shit cycle your in. Maybe meet a girl. Maybe love the job. Maybe motivates you to go to college or whatever. I'm 32 and I'm detoxing from Herion. Lost almost everything in my life. 17 is a strange age. You'll make it out fine if you put in the work to get out of this funk. Just lay off the opiates If you can.

 

[Moreaux]

I think the biggest thing you can do is to try to pinpoint the root cause of your issues that are driving you to use. When was the last time you saw somebody over your depression?

Anxiety is horrible to live with but there are some tools you can use to overcome it that work much better than medication. I have an anxiety disorder and find that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worked wondering in how I cope and manage anxiety. You can work with a therapist to learn techniques or you can teach yourself from resources available online.

You need to quit self medicating - that is the most harmful thing you can do. I was in your situation as a 17 year old and it does not get better while you continue to self medicate. I was an alcoholic at your age, and spent years struggling to quit. I made a lot of stupid decisions in life because of booze, and am now 39, unemployed, with a destroyed career because I got a worthless degree because it was easy so I could continue to drink and smoke weed. You do not want to be in my situation.

You need to change your attitude (I mean this respectfully, not trying to be harsh or place blame) and try to work with your parents to find traestment. These problems won't go away on their own, and only get worse with substance abuse.

Alcohol is very insidiously progressive, and so hard to qui. I spent seven years in my thirties trying to stop, and now that I am finally clean I see how it has robbed me of my youth, health, and life.

I want to add that the problems you have are not your fault, nor do they make you a failure or a bad person. You have an illness that is very difficult to treat because mental health is not nearly as black and white as regular medicine. Unfortunately, it takes time and trial and error to find treatment that works in many mental health situations. Try to remain positive and open to different treatments. Try to be open with your parents and make them understand to get sober you need to get your mental health issues under control.

We are here if you need us. Good luck!

 

[morphine-dreams]

First of all, worry about seeing a doctor before getting a job. I say that with empathy, because you need to worry about and take care of yourself for a while. I know what it's like to not think you're even worth it, but you are. The fact your primary goal is still to go do something useful shows what a valuable person you are. I'm not going to say too much, but I'll say this-when I was 17, I had depression and anxiety as a result of undiagnosed complex PTSD and severe ADHD that made me non-functional. Now I'm 20, and I have mostly resolved the complex PTSD and the ADHD is currently very well managed. The anxiety and depression are no longer a chronic problem, nor does my psychiatrist want to diagnose me with anything other than ADHD and PTSD. When I was a teenager, one psychiatrist wanted me to be immediately sent to a hospital because of how bad I seemed (she triggered a PTSD flashback). I also recently overcame several drug addictions. The point of this is not to brag or anything but rather that IT DOES GET BETTER. It's cliche and all but if anyone is living proof, it's me. I was so emotionally shut down at one point that I probably could've been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy, basically). I could've died on more than one occasion, but I didn't. I wasn't just a lost cause in my own eyes but in most other people's eyes too, so I gave up. And I don't remember exactly why, probably thanks to a therapy session honestly, I started fighting back to fix my life, and it actually worked. If psychiatrists thought that I was too complicated for them (and all I had was PTSD! No other mental illness) and things got better for me, they can for you too. I had to hit bottom first but it sounds like you might already be there, fight back. Seriously. Look at whatever you're dealing with as the enemy and don't let it win. Fight for yourself. I genuinely don't mean this in an insulting way but your brain isn't finished developing yet, neither is mine, but the older I get the more things just make sense, the easier it is to find solutions to problems and healthier ways to cope with them. If you were 45 and saying this, I wouldn't have any good advice to offer, but you have so much more time than you realize. Society tells kids now that you need to make every decision that will ever affect your life before you even graduate high school, but that's simply not true. Kick the booze, smoke the weed if you must. I don't know a single 17 year old hasn't gone through something at that age, or if not then, then later. Not that I'm trying to invalidate your experiences. As someone who grew up with abusive parents, that's the last thing I want to do. But you're a LOT more than whatever you're going through, I believe in you OP, those who get knocked back the hardest and come out of it while are the strongest, remember that. You don't have to be whole right now but you can be one day, it's not always going to be easy but do it for one person and one person only: yourself. And no one can truly help you but yourself, the rest of us can only support you along the way. That's one thing that my psych said to me that left a very strong impression. She told me that I've been the one making an effort, making changes, to help myself. When you're depressed and have little sense of self worth, it's hard to believe that, but think about the things you've done for yourself, if only for survival. Or even the things you didn't do. I suggest seeing a psych at least once, I could only afford a few sessions and they didn't seem profound at all at the time, but they've helped me make lasting changes. If your parents suck (sounds like they do, but I definitely get that) don't waste any emotion on them. I wasn't kicked out but I ran away at 17, I was broke for a while but it was worth being out of that dysfunctional house. I had to cut my abusive mother out of my life completely but it's been the best thing for me, you do what you gotta do. Sorry this is so long, pm me if you have any questions or want to talk or anything. I don't go on BL that regularly anymore but I will respond eventually. You sound like you've been through more than a 17 year old should and you don't deserve that but that doesn't mean it has to be your fate, you know?

Btw I think I get why you made this thread, it helps to get it off your chest regardless of what advice people can offer. That was the most important first step for me so you're already doing the right things, AND you recognize which of your own actions are making you unhappy, that's huge. The next step is to see that what you're feeling isn't your fault and I think that you soon will. You take responsibility for your actions, something I didn't do much of at 17, but you don't have to take responsibility of all of your emotions. Your job is only to try to control what affects them and how to cope with them. Before doing anything else, I think positive thinking is imperative. Then you can worry about getting your life back together otherwise, finding a job and better friends, living healthier, etc. All within time, don't expect instant results and don't get discouraged when you have a bad day, it doesn't mean you've regressed. I say this with complete and total honesty, but I rarely see 17 year olds who are already so self aware. Hell, I see a lot of 30somethings who aren't. It's a great trait to have, it's what'll allow you to fix your life. My parents are all in their 50s now and only my stepdad (who's an addict) is even remotely self aware and even that's only because his parents forced him into rehab where he had to see a therapist. My life was a mess and I didn't even begin to know how to fix it, it took an intensely bad mushroom trip for me to even begin to get that, so you already know how to fix yourself. You just have to really think about it and then put your ideas into action, and commit. You said yourself that you can fix your life, you can. Now just start executing what you already realize. Look back every month and see what progress you made, especially if you're having a bad day. Remind yourself of the effort you've already made for yourself and keep at it. I might take some time to get better and you can do all of this while still using substances, even though you're trying (rightfully) to get clean, but it WILL get easier eventually, I promise you that. I really don't know a single person in their mid 20s and up, even early 20s, who isn't doing better mentally than they were at 17 unless they've done nothing to improve their situation. I do know people who hit their breaking point only to bounce back though. I know people who had addiction issues when they were young but overcame them. Now I'm legitimately done rambling so kudos if you actually were able to read through this block of text, I hope things get better for you very soon and I know you can help make that happen, stay strong.

 

[morphine-dreams]

One more thing: don't beat yourself up, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has vices. I once read that when you're tempted to say something hurtful to/about yourself, picture yourself as a little kid. Would you say that to an innocent kid? You *are* still a kid, maybe not in some ways, but in many ways. But instead of feeling guilty when you think negatively towards yourself, turn it into self love. Turn "I hate living" into "I hate my current situation, what specifically can I do to make it better for myself?" If that's too broad, make it, "what can I do right now that both makes me feel better and is healthy for me?" Btw I totally missed the part where you said you know you're the only one who can fix this, sorry about that. I truly hope that none of this comes off as condescending or cheesy or too cliche, I'm only writing this much because I can relate and I was at a critical point and it DID get better, I don't know you but I want the same for you.

 

[paranoid android]

I was not much different then you when i was your age. I was a full blown Alcoholic from id say 16 years old probably up until i was 22 when i pretty much quit heavy drinking except for a few relapses later into my 20's. I dropped out of high school because i fucking hated it and the stupid teachers who all had a Napoleon complex going, i was not working (unless you count drug dealing as work), drank literally any chance i got and spent all my cash on booze and also did every drug that came my way though Alcohol was the only one i was addicted to thus it took priority over everything else. I had absolutely no expectation or really any want to even see my 30th birthday. I figured id either die from something Alcohol related, a drug OD or get killed in a fight.

Looking back i was basically just self medicating my problems and Alcohol seemed to numb out my brain better then anything else. I have suffered from a mood disorder (i was not diagnosed Bipolar until i was 24 and finally sought help) all my life and i remember feeling Depressed and suicidal on and off all my childhood and teen years. I can literally remember being maybe 10 years old and looking up ways to kill myself so i think it's fair to say there was alot of self medication going on. I also suffered from crippling anxiety which i again treated with Alcohol and any other drug i could get my hands on. I was however too "macho" 8) to get help as in my fucked up mind back then that was admitting weakness. But Alcoholism is a huge problem here and me being a drunk fit in with most other people my age granted unlike most other people i was never satisfied until i had drank every bit of booze i had or was blackout drunk.

It was not until i was 21 that i actually tried to quit drinking much less admit i might have a problem. I tried quitting on my own countless times and it never worked. At that point i was probably drinking a 26oz bottle of Whiskey or Rum a day or a 18 pack of beer whichever suited my fancy. This was on weekdays on weekends i would drink a 40ozer of Whiskey or whatever at home and hit the bars. I would wake up Monday morning shaking like a leaf and all fucked up and straighten myself up enough to go to work by having a few drinks or taking a Valium or 2 if i had it along with some Coke/Crack to wake me up. So i was heavily addicted to Alcohol and it's a wonder i never killed myself trying to quit on my own. I would get full on DT's complete with hallucinations which i have to say is one of the most terrifying things i have ever gone through. I must have tried to quit a dozen times that year alone but the withdrawals would always make me relapse as they where unbearable.

I finally got serious about quitting after i got a mild case of jaundice after a really bad week on the booze. I will never forget waking up and looking in the mirror and seeing my eyes having that yellowish tinge to them. That scared me enough to go see a doctor and with some medical help i quit drinking. I won't lie even with Valium and Temazepam quitting drinking was one of the hardest things i have done and makes Opiate WD look like a wet fucking dream by comparison. The PAWS are also bad and they lingered on for almost a year for me. But i was finally able to deal with my actual problems causing my Alcoholism when i quit which is the most important thing as otherwise you are just going to relapse. It's impossible to get to the root cause of your problems while in the grips of Alcoholism as the stuff messes up your brain so much it's very hard to tell what's Alcohol related and what's not. Be open to different treatment options because everybody quits in their own way. I knew rehab and the 12 step aproach would never work for me but getting sick of being sick and tired and finally doing something about it did.

Today i am 34 (hard to fucking believe that much time has passed 8( ) and i am so fucking glad i gave up the heavy drinking when i did. I do now drink very occasionally (no more then a few times a year really) but i drink moderately when i do and don't get plastered because i don't even like the effects that much anymore and hangovers absolutely kill me these days. So when i do drink i generally don't drink more then a pint of Gin, Whiskey, Rum, etc which may seem like alot to some people but over the course of a evening/night is not much to me. I can't say i get cravings anymore either really except if i am totally miserable. I think the last bad bender i went on was after a really bad breakup and that was i guess 5 years ago now maybe. I see lot's of people i grew up with and was drinking buddies with and even though they are only my age or around my age some of them look a good 10-15 years older then me and are in terrible health due to the damage the years and years of heavy drinking has done to them. I can't even count how many people my age that i grew up with who have either completely fucked their bodies or brains or both because of booze. Although i have my health problems (chronic pain, IBS, anxiety that is largely in remission and Bipolar that is now largely in remission) atleast i am not 100lbs overweight, all fat, have cirrhosis of the liver and thus look sorta yellow, have heart disease (my blood pressure is actually perfect even though i am a smoker) or have clear signs of neurological problems because of Alcohol.


Sorry for the essay fuck i got carried away there . I just really hope you make it and quit for good. Whatever you do don't beat up on yourself if you don't succeed right away as i know from first hand experience that that is perhaps the worst thing you can do. It can take quite awile to figure out what works best and this was certainly true for me. You just have to find what works best for you.

 

[Moreaux]

I was not much different then you when i was your age. I was a full blown Alcoholic from id say 16 years old probably up until i was 22 when i pretty much quit heavy drinking except for a few relapses later into my 20's. I dropped out of high school because i fucking hated it and the stupid teachers who all had a Napoleon complex going, i was not working (unless you count drug dealing as work), drank literally any chance i got and spent all my cash on booze and also did every drug that came my way though Alcohol was the only one i was addicted to thus it took priority over everything else. I had absolutely no expectation or really any want to even see my 30th birthday. I figured id either die from something Alcohol related, a drug OD or get killed in a fight.

Looking back i was basically just self medicating my problems and Alcohol seemed to numb out my brain better then anything else. I have suffered from a mood disorder (i was not diagnosed Bipolar until i was 24 and finally sought help) all my life and i remember feeling Depressed and suicidal on and off all my childhood and teen years. I can literally remember being maybe 10 years old and looking up ways to kill myself so i think it's fair to say there was alot of self medication going on. I also suffered from crippling anxiety which i again treated with Alcohol and any other drug i could get my hands on. I was however too "macho" 8) to get help as in my fucked up mind back then that was admitting weakness. But Alcoholism is a huge problem here and me being a drunk fit in with most other people my age granted unlike most other people i was never satisfied until i had drank every bit of booze i had or was blackout drunk.

It was not until i was 21 that i actually tried to quit drinking much less admit i might have a problem. I tried quitting on my own countless times and it never worked. At that point i was probably drinking a 26oz bottle of Whiskey or Rum a day or a 18 pack of beer whichever suited my fancy. This was on weekdays on weekends i would drink a 40ozer of Whiskey or whatever at home and hit the bars. I would wake up Monday morning shaking like a leaf and all fucked up and straighten myself up enough to go to work by having a few drinks or taking a Valium or 2 if i had it along with some Coke/Crack to wake me up. So i was heavily addicted to Alcohol and it's a wonder i never killed myself trying to quit on my own. I would get full on DT's complete with hallucinations which i have to say is one of the most terrifying things i have ever gone through. I must have tried to quit a dozen times that year alone but the withdrawals would always make me relapse as they where unbearable.

I finally got serious about quitting after i got a mild case of jaundice after a really bad week on the booze. I will never forget waking up and looking in the mirror and seeing my eyes having that yellowish tinge to them. That scared me enough to go see a doctor and with some medical help i quit drinking. I won't lie even with Valium and Temazepam quitting drinking was one of the hardest things i have done and makes Opiate WD look like a wet fucking dream by comparison. The PAWS are also bad and they lingered on for almost a year for me. But i was finally able to deal with my actual problems causing my Alcoholism when i quit which is the most important thing as otherwise you are just going to relapse. It's impossible to get to the root cause of your problems while in the grips of Alcoholism as the stuff messes up your brain so much it's very hard to tell what's Alcohol related and what's not. Be open to different treatment options because everybody quits in their own way. I knew rehab and the 12 step aproach would never work for me but getting sick of being sick and tired and finally doing something about it did.

Today i am 34 (hard to fucking believe that much time has passed 8( ) and i am so fucking glad i gave up the heavy drinking when i did. I do now drink very occasionally (no more then a few times a year really) but i drink moderately when i do and don't get plastered because i don't even like the effects that much anymore and hangovers absolutely kill me these days. So when i do drink i generally don't drink more then a pint of Gin, Whiskey, Rum, etc which may seem like alot to some people but over the course of a evening/night is not much to me. I can't say i get cravings anymore either really except if i am totally miserable. I think the last bad bender i went on was after a really bad breakup and that was i guess 5 years ago now maybe. I see lot's of people i grew up with and was drinking buddies with and even though they are only my age or around my age some of them look a good 10-15 years older then me and are in terrible health due to the damage the years and years of heavy drinking has done to them. I can't even count how many people my age that i grew up with who have either completely fucked their bodies or brains or both because of booze. Although i have my health problems (chronic pain, IBS, anxiety that is largely in remission and Bipolar that is now largely in remission) atleast i am not 100lbs overweight, all fat, have cirrhosis of the liver and thus look sorta yellow, have heart disease (my blood pressure is actually perfect even though i am a smoker) or have clear signs of neurological problems because of Alcohol.


Sorry for the essay fuck i got carried away there . I just really hope you make it and quit for good. Whatever you do don't beat up on yourself if you don't succeed right away as i know from first hand experience that that is perhaps the worst thing you can do. It can take quite awile to figure out what works best and this was certainly true for me. You just have to find what works best for you.

^ On point!

Relapse is part of recovery - it is a small step back after many steps forward - you are still ahead of the game so don't view it as a failure. It took me 7 years to get sober from alcohol. That's a long time to fight but it was so worth it.

It's kind of a chicken/egg situation. You need to be sober to resolve the underlying issues motivating you to drink, but you need those issues resolved to stay sober. Take a week to get as dry as possible and then focus on the underlying issues. Inpatient rehab is a great way to accomplish this.

The Vivitrol shot is a huge insurance plan to ensure your sobriety while you are working on those issues. Get a few days dry and get the shot - it removes cravings and lowers anxiety. I got it for 8 months after rehab and have not had cravings, it's like my brain was reset to pre alcoholic days. I've been sober for two years now.

 

[chief ten beers]

Well my friend you say you are 17 years old. Wait till you get to be 47, if you live that long, to realize what a demolisher of lives alcohol really is. I didn't become an active alcoholic until about 21 but I did drink alcoholically at your age. I wish I was still your age, if I was permitted as my older self to give advise to my younger self, I would have have said stop being a self destructive asshole. There are many floors you can find yourself in during your drinking career, pray you don't find yourself at the lowest floor when you actually seek help. I have depression too, which probably led me to self medicate, but drinking will eventually bring you to lows you don't want to go to.

 

[14YearsOfFlux]

Pardon, as I know this is an ancient relic of a thread... But I felt compelled to chime in.

Like the rest of the replies, I was in the same boat at your age, feeling the same way. The only difference was that I was 15 and for me, it was opiates.

A couple quick observations, but first please note that I am not an expert in this (or any other, for that matter! Ha!) field... But I've been around the sun a few times and if what I picked up on sheds some light, so be it.

With regard to your daily routine that you described... You continue to do it even though you hate it. I used to do the exact same shit. Wanna know why? Because when I would retreat into my little routine, the world became small and safe. I didn't have to think about the future or whether or not my decisions would negatively impact myself or others. I just had to do the next little thing on the list. For me, it was a very twisted version of what some might call a coping mechanism. Switch it up! You'd be surprised and how much of a boost you can get just from a few simple course corrections! Take a new route, wake up a different time, whatever. Doesn't matter, just switch it up a bit.

Lastly, please PLEASE try to remember that you have your whole adult life in front of you! I'm sure every jackass camp counselor and therapist has told you the same shit, and as cheesy as it is... It's true. It's not too late. The fact that you can step back and acknowledge your problems, or at least begin to try and chip away at the exterior, speaks volumes about your intelligence. Don't underestimate yourself!

It's not really about the actions, it's about the behaviors that drive the actions. Find the why and find freedom. Seek to deeply understand your mechanisms and go from there.

My thoughts are with you and my PM box is always open!

 

[herbavore]

... You continue to do it even though you hate it. I used to do the exact same shit. Wanna know why? Because when I would retreat into my little routine, the world became small and safe. I didn't have to think about the future or whether or not my decisions would negatively impact myself or others. I just had to do the next little thing on the list. For me, it was a very twisted version of what some might call a coping mechanism. Switch it up! You'd be surprised and how much of a boost you can get just from a few simple course corrections! Take a new route, wake up a different time, whatever. Doesn't matter, just switch it up a bit.

So much wisdom in this. It is overwhelming to even conceive of changing your habits and your life when you perceive it as one huge mess. But amazingly, those little small changes can shift things radically inside.

The lack of support from your family concerns me. I understand their frustration, hurt and desperation and no doubt people are telling them not to "enable" you but adding to your shame and sense of failure is not going to help either you or them. Hopefully, they will seek out real information about addiction. This is not something you are choosing nor is this simply a matter of willpower (though you'll need a lot of that, too). Addiction has so many facets and levels and each level requires understanding and a plan for change. To be only seventeen and as trapped by it as you already feel has got to be terrifying for you. Ask your family for help with the fear. If they don't offer it, seek out mental health services from your county and see what they have to offer. It's really, really difficult to just walk away from self-medicating when it is all you have got. You have to get something in place to walk towards. That 'something' is faith that your life can be different.

I hope you can continue to use BLuelight (this thread) for support, but I also hope that you can find other sources as well.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Good point, diversification is a necessity in the game of recovery - always a good thing. Of course it isn't just the quantity of support one has, but also the quality. I'd take a really good small support group over a really bad big one ANY day