deadendgame
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 23, 2014
- Messages
- 356
From my posts, you can see how my life sucks ass. I need not repeat myself. I can't say that my life has always been like this. In fact, I've lived a privileged life, like the life of a prince. I played the best games, watched the best movies, ate the best foods, and jacked off on adderall. It was good times and I admit the only reason I was able to live like this is not due to my own merit, but because I was dickriding off my parents. Left to my own devices, I realize that I really suck at this game called life. My parents left me with a car and still give me a roof over my head. This gives me a chance to go out and work. Although I have some protection, I am very scared. This is a low paying dead end job, meaning that if I get fired, it is impossible to find another job equivalent to this. I may have to go back to school but the reason I'm not is because I don't have the credit score to take out another student loan. Heck, I don't have the money to take the fucking exam! So as you can see, money is tight and the immediate objective is to get some money in the bank, not worry about no future. I am the type of person that will not deprive myself of certain luxuries. Like I refuse to eat any meat below chicken.
So, then the problem is, I am effing exhausted. School took alot out of me. Now work is going to drain me dead. Another thing is, I hate society. I really do. I feel like people are really judgmental in their opinion and that if you don't meet their expectation, they talk about you. It gives me a little bit of relief that they are going to die just the same cause I don't give a fuck about these people who feel the same. People expect you to be this morally upstanding skilled rich person when they don't fit the criteria themselves and I think that is the ultimate hypocisy. So, this brings me to the problem of death and suicide. It appears that accidents or dying of old age is the only socially acceptable way to die. I really can't believe I'm only 25. I'm really not concerned about dying young. In fact, I want to. I'm more worried about becoming old and never dying because it already feels like an eternity and I honestly already did the things I wanted to do. I don't want to get married, have children, etc. I don't understand why my parents are pushing me to start a family when I really don't want one. I looked up all the ways to die and every single way of dying hurts like hell, except dying in your sleep, but that chance is really small and you will more likely die from something else. If there is one thing I want most is to die in my sleep and not from something else. I don't know, I'm not like other people. I can't live pretending I'll never die because in those final moments, I know I will be in some pain. The thing about the drugs is, people made it seem like drugs was ruining my life when in fact, my life been sucking this whole time. Maybe resentment is a symptom of my withdrawal, I don't know. It is hard to have empathy for others when your own situation is rock bottom.
So, then the problem is, I am effing exhausted. School took alot out of me. Now work is going to drain me dead. Another thing is, I hate society. I really do. I feel like people are really judgmental in their opinion and that if you don't meet their expectation, they talk about you. It gives me a little bit of relief that they are going to die just the same cause I don't give a fuck about these people who feel the same. People expect you to be this morally upstanding skilled rich person when they don't fit the criteria themselves and I think that is the ultimate hypocisy. So, this brings me to the problem of death and suicide. It appears that accidents or dying of old age is the only socially acceptable way to die. I really can't believe I'm only 25. I'm really not concerned about dying young. In fact, I want to. I'm more worried about becoming old and never dying because it already feels like an eternity and I honestly already did the things I wanted to do. I don't want to get married, have children, etc. I don't understand why my parents are pushing me to start a family when I really don't want one. I looked up all the ways to die and every single way of dying hurts like hell, except dying in your sleep, but that chance is really small and you will more likely die from something else. If there is one thing I want most is to die in my sleep and not from something else. I don't know, I'm not like other people. I can't live pretending I'll never die because in those final moments, I know I will be in some pain. The thing about the drugs is, people made it seem like drugs was ruining my life when in fact, my life been sucking this whole time. Maybe resentment is a symptom of my withdrawal, I don't know. It is hard to have empathy for others when your own situation is rock bottom.
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I'm trying. 
